Feel like my life is consuuumed by him

[sunflower11]

I don't know how to stop contacting him even though he keeps ignoring me. That should be enough to make me understand I am not wanted and yet it's like an addiction to keep texting and calling him. Friday I broke down pretty bad after 11 days of NC and textd him twice. no response. today i woke up feeling the worst anxiety I've felt ever. i emailed him. I don't think he will reply.

 

Everytime I contact him I regret it like 2 hours later wishing I never did..wishing I didn't go back to being "on my knees" begging for an answer and some closure.

 

Please don't judge. I feel like I need some help because my life is consumed by him and I obsess with my thoughts about the could have, should have, and why???!

 

If anyone can give me some good advice I would appreciate it.

 

I want my life back, I want him out of my head..I just don't know how to stop...

[YaOldBuckaroo]

Hey Sunflower11

 

You need to start seeing other guys. Stop obsessing over someone that doesn't care or want you anymore. The guy doesn't even have the decency to justify his reasons, so don't bother putting in anymore effort.

 

Also, found this article for you:

 

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/what-is-relationship-closure-healing-without-saying-goodbye/

 

Has some helpful advice. Check it out..

 

Max

[sunflower11]

It's been less than 2 months since the break up..I am nowhere near ready to see other guys nor is something I want in my life right now. I want to learn to love myself and be happy with myself first. I just don't know how to get from point A to point B and stop humilliating myself any further. Every time I text him or call or email I am further proving his point right..that I depend too much on him and can't be happy without him. I wish he had had the balls to just end things with me properly cause he never said it was over and my heart is too stupid to get it

 

Thank you for the article I will read it And I do have an appointment to meet with a psychologist next week.

[Thieves]

Sunflower, I think you don't have as much faith in yourself like you should. You say you don't know how to stop, but actually, don't you? You went 11 days without contacting him. 11 days! That right there proves to me that you do know how to stop and that you are capable. But, one, you're just not disciplining yourself enough so that you can keep NC longer. And two, you don't want to stop contacting him.

 

Sunflower, if you feel you have the time and don't mind stepping outside of yourself for just a few minutes, try and do something for me, okay? Get a piece of paper and a pen, or you can even do it on your computer, and think about something. What do you really want him to say to you to give you closure? And then next, write everything you've been waiting for your ex to say. Write it as if you are your ex sending an email to you. Once you're done, put away the piece of paper or whatever you wrote on and don't look at it for one or two days.

 

After these days have passed, take it out again. Read it, and see how you feel. Ask yourself if your ex will ever say these things to you (be honest), and ask if what you're desiring from him is really realistic. My point is, I just want you to know that you can't force someone to give you all the answers you want. We all wish we could, but we just can't.

[AlexisMacabre]

i am going through the same thing with my husband and the father of my son, he ignores me, he has someone else already and i just keep texting and contacting him when he never contacts me, for anything. i feel so horrible, i miss him, i love him and i dont know what to do.

[Buttercup84]

I agree with thieves ! Listen to her she's very wise

 

I was the queen of breaking nc . And I was so upset when I broke nc . It's been over a month since I broke nc and 6 months since we broke up . You're still in the early stages don't rush yourself . Come here instead of writing to him . I have no urge to contact him anymore , you can do it ! Xx

[sunflower11]

Thank you all. I really appreciate your time to read. It is very hard and I do beat myself over about it because I really do hate myself when I break NC. But I feel that every time it makes me a bit stronger. One of my friends told me

 

"I think sometimes you just need that final time to make you understand. Start fresh. Dont beat yourself up over your past behavior. It is uphill from here"

 

Thieves, I will write it out. Earlier I wrote a letter to myself, saying all the good things about me and how its ok to let go and be scared. I guess I wanted to feel stronger and I do wish I had walked away sooner but it is never too late. Thank you for your words Buttercup, I had read some of your posts previously but it's good to know that you no longer have "the urge" Thank you all!

[lymtal1]

hey sunflower,

 

don't you worry about those that may judge. i think you will find that most out here are very understanding as we have been exactly where you are and do understand. have done the same things. i was there where you are right now.

 

the good news is this will not last forever. i do know that this does not make you feel better now but you have to know that it does and will get better. yes there is some work that you will have to do but it will make you stronger.

 

first listen to thieves. she is right on. your strength comes from within. once you got past that first day, you did what you probably thought you could not do. then you made it eleven days. each day is a milestone. i had my best friend talk to me about each hour, then day that i was successful. make victories be small at first.

 

do you have a support structure for this? a good friend, a family member? you need to have one person that you can go to that no matter what happens and how much support you need they will be there. think about it and establish that. then figure out who else you can talk to. this will last a while so tell them up front you love them and will be there in the future when they need you. this is when you have that need to contact him. if that doesn't exist use this board to vent and keep writing your thoughts no matter how they may sound.

 

you are correct about the addiction. what you are going through is just like withdrawing from a drug. the only way you feel better is when you are in some kind of contact with him. this is true even if he does not respond. you are feeding your craving and it is way normal. what you have to do is realize that this is going to take some work for you to get through this. this now becomes about you and not him.

 

you have to redirect your life as it is not about the two of you but about you. what that means is all your focus to get you through this is to be on you. you are going to have to start staying busy. i know you can't think of that and you would rather ball up on the couch and wait for his reply. lets look at it like this. what if he never does? will you be ok letting him control you as he is doing? this is when you have to force yourself to do things.

 

force youself to get up in the morning and take a shower. go exercise, it can be so good for you. it releases the right chemicals that will help you in doses. i started to read anything and everything that i could get my hands on to stay busy. it was mostly things that i thought would help me understand what was going on. i am not suggesting anything in particular, go do some research and find something that you think would keep your attention. i found some books that had me write as thieves suggests. it helped me get my thoughts down so i could read them and understand why what i was in was so very bad for me. also it takes up time so you are not completely focusing your thoughts on him.

 

you may never truly understand why this has happened. or you may. but the most important thing that you need to recognize is you may never get closure. you do not need it to move on. whatever is said by him to you will not help and may only hurt you. you have to look at reality. the reality is he does not want to be with you any longer. that is enough to move on. let it be enough. closure comes from within you. you close this chapter on him, that is you taking control.

 

you have to be strong and you have to give yourself a break about breaking no contact. just get back to doing what you did those eleven days and recognize that being in contact with him is more pain then not being in contact with him. yes it is that simple and i am sorry you are going through this. it is going to get better trust that. let us know how you are doing and if we can help.

[MJEW]

Sunflower..........you sound like me, and I do know what it feels like to be consumed with it all. I have had a *****ty year with being consumed by it and wanting what I can never have. I eat dream and sleep it and it's driving me mad. Don't know how to move forward, even though I have a guy who loves me very much and would give me the world on a platter, I cannot get rid of the what if's, maybe's and doubts.

 

Dating won't do anything for you, if your not ready, then don't do it. Getting out and socializing would do wonders though. You need a support system someone you can vent to and have no judgement in turn.

 

When I start to feel sorry for myself and the thoughts of my ex husband get heavy, I talk with a good friend of 25 years and my gay uncles who seem to bring me back to reality.

 

We will never be again....he will now only talk with me because of our son and I am nothing to him.....nothing.........

 

I do understand what it feels like to go through this daily...and how we try to stop it.

 

I would love to be able to shut it off and move on with my life, I think I have a way to half exist, not fair to the people who want all of me, but this is all I can give.

 

Keep your chin up...

[sunflower11]

lymtal, thank you. I am beginning to accept and understand that I may never get closure from him. If I didn't get him to break up with me over the phone instead of a text, if I didn't get him to have that much respect for me 2 months ago..I am not going to get it now. You are right about keeping busy...the day after he broke up with me I got a temporary job which kept me busy, I met people (since I just moved back home I have 0 friends here) and it just kept my mind occupied. After I got done with the job at the end of October my mind just went crazy wth so much thinking. I will never understand why he did what he did. Only he knows.

 

MJEW, I def do not want to date. I am not ready though it would be nice to have friends and hang out with people sometimes. And I know you understand..sometimes I catch myself not thinking about him and just by simply doing it f@!!XD I go back to thinking about him. Usually I try reading or drawing something...it keeps my mind completely occupied.

 

I have a couple of good friends in the US who I skype with and talk to them on facebook but sometimes I feel like they get tired of saying the same thing to me. I want to be happy and feel alive again..this has taken too much of my life already and he's not worth it. I NEED TO close this chapter and move on. Starting NC and sticking to it this time Wish me luck! I'm on my way to a better me!