My breakup story

[Berlington Bob]

I've been trying to think of a way to type this without the wall of text but I don't know which details to leave out so here's the WOT version.

 

My ex and I had been together for 5 1/2 years. I'm 28, she's 25. We had both been in serious relationships before and we had both been cheated on before. For the past 4 years or so she has been trying to get me to marry her and last March I finally popped the question. We are both in school and we lived together up until the breakup. She has been VERY busy with school and work and I know she has been more stressed than she ever has before. She also has a minor case of OCD which makes her obsess over small things and gives her anxiety when she doesn't take her pills.

 

2 weeks ago (saturday) she went out to a bar with a friend and didn't come home. She said it was because she was too drunk to drive and then she spent the next day sleeping. The rest of the week she was even more busy with work and that Wed. she only got 2 hours of sleep. She also took one of my ADD stimulants that morning (I take a pretty high dosage). When she got home from work she said she wanted to talk about our relationship. I figured she was just going to say she was worried or that she was stressed out. As a joke I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said "no".

 

She told me that she felt like she was so busy and that she didn't like coming home to a mess (I had recently lost my job and had been pretty depressed for about a month). She then said she wanted a break because she didn't feel attracted to me anymore and said she hasn't for a while. I asked her if she met someone else and at first she said "no" but then admitted to meeting a guy at the bar and making out with him. I asked her if she was going to stop seeing him and she said she didn't know. I spent the next 2 days (with no sleep) trying to convince her I could change and that throwing away a 5 1/2 year relationship for a guy she had known for 2 hours was a mistake. She said she knew it was a mistake (seemed sincere) but that she "liked him too much" and that she had an overwhelming attraction to him. She also said that she felt if she was with someone and had feelings for someone else that she should end things.

 

She admitted that she had been telling herself and her friends that she was unhappy in our relationship so they would give her permission to do this and so she could feel less guilty about it. On that Sat. she was getting ready to go out with a friend and I proposed that we go out the next day and I would take her on a day long date and show her that the feelings were still there. She agreed and promised not to see or talk to the guy until she had made up her mind. Then she left and I got to work cleaning the house.

 

The moment my heart broke into a thousand painful pieces was when I started to clean the bathroom and saw that she had taken her toothbrush with her... I realized then that she was, in fact, going to spend the night at the guy's house. That night I got about 20 minutes of sleep... I guess it is tough to sleep when you know that some guy is...

 

The next day she came home and said she was ready to go out on our date. I told her I knew where she was and what she did and that it hurt me beyond words. She admitted to it and even felt it necessary to let me know she used a condom. I asked her if this meant that she had made up her mind as to who she picked and she said she still hadn't. She told me she wished she could have both choices. Then I said "there is nothing more to say other than goodbye." And I left.

 

For the past week I have been moving my stuff out while she is at work and trying to figure out how to get along without her. 2 days ago I went to get the last load of my stuff and saw a note on her dresser. I thought "oh she left me a note saying how sorry she was"... nope... It was a note from the guy thanking her for the great evening and that she is "Amazing"... Haven't even moved my stuff out and there is some guy sleeping with her in my bed.

 

When I was done loading up my truck I left my house keys and garage door opener on the note so she would know I saw it.

 

Now she has been texting me about how much she misses the dog (came with me) and that she wants to say goodbye to her one last time. She also seems to be sending me texts about 2-3 times a day about very random things. I know she must be missing me because I sure as hell miss her. I am trying to resist the urge to text back any more than I need to but it's really tough.

 

Turns out the guy she hooked up with just got out of College and Is quite the player. He claims to have had 22 partners in the last 6 years and his longest relationship was just 6 months. I know that things won't last between them and I know her and that she will come crawling back to me when they don't... But that is for another thread.

 

Anyone still reading this... Thank you... I know its a long wall and any advise, encouragement, or similar stories would be very welcome. I'm just trying to get through each day hoping that someday it wont hurt as much but so far it hurts worse and worse each day.

[fredrickhsalas]

You know what you better move on..Just think that is not your lost...it's her lost..look for someone that is really deserve for your love....I'm sure that there someone that is meant for you along the way.

[Berlington Bob]

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know that it would probably happen again if we got back together but it is really tough. Its just so weird going from being each other's best friend one day to not talking the next... I think I'm having such a tough time coping with this because SHE's the one I would talk to when I was having problems and now SHE is the problem... Also the almost casualness of it all. I know it hurt her to hurt me so much but obviously it didn't hurt her enough to make her stop and think things through before acting on impulse.

[lymtal1]

bb,

 

i am sorry you are having to go through this. it is not an easy thing to have to deal with. i have been there and know how hard it is.

 

first and i am sure this is what is going through your head is how can i get her back. if not it may be in your thoughts. so suggest you stop that thought process now if you have not. this is the time to show her strength and not anything else no matter what happens in the future. do not beg her back for any means.

 

know it may be tough to hear but she may have been feeling this for some time. and possibly doing things as well. also don't analyze anything she said as most of it was to try and help her guilt. i don't want you to go down the road where you are picking apart each word that will give you hope. right now the fact is she went out with someone else, and slept with them. this is all you need to know. it is now all about you at this point.

 

so given that, my thought is to stop having any contact with her right now. be aware that she may get in contact with you and try to keep you there incase something happens with the other guy. this happens often. she may want to keep you as a back-up plan. ask yourself if this is what you want. if not cut her off now. it will be less painful trust me. you don't want to know what is happening in her life, who she is with and how happy she may be. all that is nothing more than pain that you don't need right now.

 

so what you have to do is begin the moving on process. this is hard but as i said you have to completely focus on you while moving on from her. it's about gaining control of your life which has just been turned upside down. remember at this point you may want some answers to all your questions. you may never get them. you don't need them now. you don't need them ever to move on.

 

it will get better i promise. but it will take time and effort on your part. know that it is over. know that you deserve much better than her. again sorry mate you are going through this. keep posting and let us know what is going on. also look out here on this site and see how others are getting through this and emulate them. it does help. good luck bb.

[Berlington Bob]

Thanks both for the replies and for reading my Wall of Text.

 

Quantum, I am starting to realize this... One of the reasons I waited so long to propose and why we had such a long engagement is because I didnt know if I could trust her... She has cheated on me with a girl before that ended up leading to a 3-some so at the time I was thinking "how mad can I be?" But I still knew that she was capable of this. As I have been analyzing things the past week (perhaps too much) I noticed some FB pics she had been tagged in and saw her at a bar with her friends with some guy's arm around her and she was wearing his hat... Those pics were taken 2 years ago... I am damn glad this didnt happen after we had kids as that would be sooo much tougher and I see now that it still wouldnt have kept her from doing this.

 

Lymtal, Its just nice to know that someone gets what I am going through. I have friends that have gotten dumped before but none that were engaged and none that had it happen so their ex could hook up with the dude. I know I need to move on but it seems like the past 2 days its been getting worse. I think its cause she broke NC by texting me. I dont want to talk to her but I still really want to know that this guy isnt everything she thought he was and that she realizes she made a mistake even if it could never work out in the end... But you are right, I shouldn't want to know what she is doing or how happy she is.

 

One thing I am doing to kind of force myself to not take her back is moving to CO to live with my cousin. I feel like I have spent so much time with her that I have not been keeping in touch with my friends here in MN.

 

From reading the posts on here I find it is tough to get an idea of when it takes most people to feel better (as in time). I know each situation is different but anyone have a timeframe of when they started felling better? At least to the point where they could function?

[Berlington Bob]

I decided to go through with NC even though I think at some point I will have to text her back telling her I dont want to hear from her anymore... I dont plan on being cold about it but thats the jist of what I'll say.

 

I took her and all her friends off my facebook list and I gotta say, today was a 200% improvement over yesterday. There's really something to this NC thing. I also went out and ran for about an hour, went tanning, and got tested for STD's cause I'm not sure if she was cheating on me before this...

 

Feels like a better day but it still hurts a lot. At this rate I think I should be over her in a month or two... or at least enough where I can function normally again.

[ChelseaLS]

Yuck. I hate stories like this... they break my heart. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling Berlington Bob.

When people do these kinds of things, I just can't wrap my head around it. It's such a lack of respect and it's just gross to me. lymtal1 has some great advice, I would definitely follow it. You need to be with someone you can trust.

 

I wish you the best. Each day is a little better.

[beachbum0311]

This girl is pretty much heartless. I know what you think you knew, but she is no longer it... She is not thinking about you and how detrimental her actions are to you. If she was she would cheat on you and never talk to you again. Too much pain in you knowing the details... I mean... I used a condom, Really?

 

That is indeed a terrible person, and trust me this type of immaturity does not pan out in an actual relationship. She will get hers and a nice guy like you will meet someone when they least expect it. You cannot repair the trust she violated, as much as you want to... She needs to go away. Be by yourself and meet someone when it happens.

[Berlington Bob]

It's tough to accept that someone I felt I knew so well would be capable of this but as I read through LS posts and as I get a week+ to think about things it seems that either she has a REALLY sudden onset of G.I.G.S. or she is just a really selfish person and couldnt see that I was in a rut after losing my job and try to help me through it.

 

I feel like the fact that I am going to have to have one more conversation with her before the NC is holding me back from moving on. I thought about just starting NC now but as I put in the G.I.G.S. thread, she would be very spiteful and angry that I'm not letting her see my dog again. Was looking for advice on this in the G.I.G.S. thread but any here would be nice too.

 

I do feel that one thing helping me through this is that I felt the G.I.G.S. feeling for about 3 years but was doing a lot better accepting that we were going to get married and that I would have to be a REALLY aweful person to call it off at this point. Now I can move to CO like I always wanted, go out with my cousin who is in a pretty sucsessful band (meeting lots of girls too) and just have the fun that I wanted to have to get G.I.G.S. out of my system.

 

Thanks for the advice <--- (just learned how to correctly spell that word) and the words of encouragement.

 

As a footnote, the job I lost was with the local police department... so the guy is going to be getting a lot of unwanted attention from my buddies in blue (yes thats how cops roll ).

[Caconfused]

It is tough losing the trust. I would suggest that you give each other room to grow and see if there is enough there to move forward together. The question lies in would you have peace of mind next time she goes out? Can you really forgive? and most of all.... is she real sorry for all the pain she has caused you?

I am too going thru a relationship break up of almost 2 years, what holds me together is that somewhere out there.... is someone who DOES deserve me.

Stay strong... pray... seek out support. Best of luck to you.

[nu464]

Tell me your breakup story?Me and my boyfriend just broke up in the funniest way.... He was a loser but I was thinking what are some sad, funny, wierd breakup stories please share yours with me answer my ?? And leave yours for me to answer and I'll deffinitly answer it!!! (: any breakup story works please

[Berlington Bob]

Update: It's now been 3 1/2 weeks since the breakup, 4 weeks since she met the guy. I'm feeling a lot better and am starting to think about my future and be able to not see her in it. I still get moody, sad and now a little more angry but the panicky feeling is totally gone. I called her once since the B/U (as I knew I would have to) about 2 weeks ago to tell her that I couldn't let her see my dog as long as she was dating the other dude. I made it clear that I'm not trying to tell her to break up with him but that its a slap in the face for me to emotionally support her in any way while she is dating him.

 

I met a girl at a friend's band thing and we hit it off... and then her dad died 2 days later and I haven't spoken to her since... bad timing I guess. But that made it easier for me to forget about my ex at least for those 2 days. Also a big ego boost that I went out and had a girl come up to ME and tell me I was cute.

 

But the ex keeps texting me about twice a week usually at the beginning of the week (I'm guessing she only sees the new guy on the weekends so she gets lonely). She keeps saying that she misses my dog and that she feels depressed and "overwhelmed" by it. I made the mistake of saying something like "now you know how I felt" a few weeks ago but other than that I don't answer her.

 

I deleted all the photos of her and changed her name in my cell to "No Contact!!!" to remind me. I thought about just saving them in a folder and putting them somewhere on my HD that I wouldn't look but after this month (rounding up) of pain and healing I know that I just want to move on and I can't wait to stop feeling down about it.

 

And to close the update, I have ran for at least 30 minutes every day and lifted weights every other day for the last 3 weeks. Excluding of course Thanksgiving. Turkey is the arch nemesis of running apparently. I feel a lot better and I look a lot better. I think another month of running and I will be in the best shape of my life.

 

For those just starting down the road of healing after a B/U it really DOES get better and you are able to think so much more clearly a month down the road if you stick to the NC thing as much as you can.

 

 

P.S. Any thoughts on how I can handle her weekly texts? I guess I am just ignoring them for now but every time she texts me the rest of my day is spent thinking about her again. And no, I can't block her number... apparently they can make a phone that can watch streaming netflix movies at speeds faster than broadband but they can't make one that can completely block a number...

[harvej]

Damn, I just read the thread. I wont even go into detail as you asked if any of us had ever gone thru something like this. Suffice to say, my eGF cheated on me when i needed her most. If not for the support of fellow posters like chelsea,downtown, and others I came very very close to self deliverance on Nov 16th. I have an aggressive stage 2 cancer and..well.. she did the worst thing she could do, but combined with all this, i was a wreck for a brief period. Since then, I have had relaspses but have stayed with NC, and I am 100% better. Doc even thinks my body is reacting better now!!

 

I would stay on NC and download Mr Phone. This app will allow you to block her calls and make them go straight to VM, and block her text messages and you can even have standard message reply that can tell her she is being blocked. That will sting for sure!

 

 

She is a sociopath! She lacks empathy!

[Berlington Bob]

I just read your post and spent the last hour or so looking up BPD and the link you had about girls(people) with no empathy. I think the Bi-Polar is dead on. I even had my Dr. tell me he thinks she has it from the 5 minute conversation I had with him about it. That helps me to get through it by letting me understand that it wouldn't work out with someone like that who is unwilling to get help or stay on meds for it. I know she has empathy but I'm starting to think that maybe she just has it when she is on her meds as I think she purposely went off them to help her ignore her concience durring this whole thing.

 

I remember seeing the Mr. Phone app on the app market and I will have to get that. I guess a part of me still wants to know when she hits phase 3 or 4 but that part is going away more and more each day.But like Wilson (I think) said in another post, if she really wants to contact me she will find a way.

 

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. The people on LS are good people and I know that their thoughts and prayers go out to you to get better. As do mine. Hope you get well soon and thanks for the response.

[Berlington Bob]

***Update***

 

4 1/2 weeks post B/U

 

So yesterday I backslid. It feels like I backslid alot but i guess time will tell. She has been sending me 1 to 2 texts a week saying how she misses my dog. I made the mistake of sending her a picture of my dog yesterday. I'm not sure why I did this. I think at the time I thought it would make her sad and I was angry so I thought it would make me feel better. Well it did make her sad but then we started texting back and forth about missing each other's pets and she said she wanted to see my dog for her 1 year b-day on friday. After sleeping on it I decided that these texts are making it MUCH tougher to move on, even though I'm moving about 900 miles away next month. Here's what I wrote:

 

"Sorry N, I can't do the text message thing anymore. I'll answer if you call but I feel like I'm taking a big step backwards every time you text me and it's getting in the way of my healing. I think you made a rash decision and will regret it someday if you don't already but you lost the person and dog that loved you more than anyone else. You did the worst thing you can do to someone who loves you. I know you have OCD/BiPolar issues that caused you to feel like you had no control and because of that I can forgive you but at this point continued contact will just hurt us both. Learn from this and get help or you won't be able to be happy in love. I sincerely hope you get better and have a happy life."

 

Think it took up like 4 texts but it feels good to get it off my chest and also I'm hoping that I won't hear from her until she is at phase 4 of GIGS. I won't take her back as I couldn't trust her very much before she did this and I most certainly cant trust her now. It would still be nice to hear her say that she made a mistake and it wasn't anything I did that caused this.

 

Now I'm ready to really move on...

 

Unless she keeps texting me, then I will just have to block her.