Insecurity & Jealousy ; will it be my demise?

[berry01]

Hello all ... To make a very long story short I have been dating a man for 3 years. Much of that time has been rocky due to distance and argument. Lately, we have been fighting like never before and I could not understand why. I was never one to disrespect my significant others need for privacy and so never logged into his email, facebook, phone accounts despite having the password to them. However, the past few months I logged into his online phone records and have been seeing a pattern of 1. him speaking to other women when things get rocky with us 2. him texting with his ex-girlfriend from time to time. I am very honest and have confronted him about this to which he has replied 1. he is entighteled to have female friends and 2. since the ex-gf and him did not end their relationship on bad terms he feels it's okay for them to speak sometimes.

 

Now some background ... the ex-girlfriend told him, our mutual friends, and my boyfriends parents that she will buy them a home if he got back together with her, that she will do anything for them to be together again. It is a know fact that she is in love with him and will go to any extent to speak to him. They have been broken up over 3 years and yet despite his knowing that it kills me that he speaks to her, he continues to do it.

 

 

He says my jealousy will lead us to break up. That my jealousy is ridiculous and that he loves me and only me and will never be with another woman. I don't think it's fair that he speaks to other women ESPECIALLY his ex-girlfriend when he knows it tears my hear apart to know he speaks to her. I don't feel like she is competition to me, but I do feel as though maybe he is keeping her and his "friend" women around as back ups.

 

Please help ... I want to teach him a lesson, show him this behavior is not oaky. I do not speak to my ex-boyfriends, and if I did he probably would be very very upset with me. When I tell him to put himself in my shoes and think about how it would make him feel if I was doing this, he doesn't reply to the question at hand and dismisses me. Please help me, I love this man, but this jealousy and insecurity is slowly killing me and my relationship.

[ErgoStep]

Now some background ... the ex-girlfriend told him, our mutual friends, and my boyfriends parents that she will buy them a home if he got back together with her, that she will do anything for them to be together again. It is a know fact that she is in love with him and will go to any extent to speak to him. They have been broken up over 3 years and yet despite his knowing that it kills me that he speaks to her, he continues to do it.

 

If he knows her level of interest in him and continues to speak with her, assume that he is interested in her.

 

Please help ... I want to teach him a lesson, show him this behavior is not oaky. I do not speak to my ex-boyfriends, and if I did he probably would be very very upset with me.

 

I doubt it. If you want to try, chat up an ex sometime, and casually let him know. Guys are usually more laid back about this sort of thing.

 

The ultimatum, making him choose, makes you into the bad guy. Just calm down and time will sort things out.

 

If you still feel strongly about this, break up with him. Tell him you are leaving him for a month. And you will return on the condition that he no longer speaks with his ex.

[berry01]

I have tried to casually bring up speaking to an ex and my boyfriend totally goes nuts when he hears it, then he continuously brought it up for weeks after. It's almost like he believes it's okay for him to speak with other women and exs but it's not okay for me to do it.

 

So you would just give it time? It's driving me crazy seeing that he is speaking to other women especially his ex and not being able to do anything about it! I don't want to break up and say that I'll return on that condition because he doesn't deal well with ultimatums and I may lose him that way. I really want him to understand that his behavior is unacceptable and that it's gotta change, I'm not going to live a doublestandard!

[RiverRunning]

The first 1 1/2 years of my relationship was rocky because of somewhat similar behavior from my boyfriend. He talked endlessly about his ex-girlfriend, whom he supposedly wasn't in contact with. Around our one-year anniversary, he drops the bomb that he still has her phone number and they're friends on Facebook, where she's going under a different name. Theirs was a one-year, long-distance relationship that ended about 2 years before we starting dating. And almost four years later he was still chatting to this woman! She would semi-regularly leave him comments or ask him questions, and they had one encounter where he was encouraging her to PRIVATE MESSAGE him so he could send her a link to something. That was the final straw for me.

 

I got a lot of the same garbage that you ended up dealing with. "You're irrationally jealous." "You're the only woman for me." For some reason, men seem to think they can act however they would like and that they need only say "You're jealous, I love only you" and that makes it all better. There are times when people can be irrationally jealous - say, when he looks at another woman and you blow up - but there are times like these when it's an ongoing devaluing of your relationship that it's not irrational at all.

 

So I wanted to tell you - you are not irrational at all. I don't even think it would be irrational if she weren't so open with her feelings. In my case, the only 'confirmation' I had that there might be more to his ex's feelings was the fact that she started getting into contact with him way more often when our relationship was 'Facebook official' ^_~. To this day I think she was jealous that he moved on first.

 

So what changed my boyfriend's heart and the million other things he did to inspire my jealousy unrelated to her?

 

An older man who happened to be my friend after we met at a summer job was very, very interested in me. He regularly invited me out to lunch. He'd often tell me that I was pretty and beautiful. And, for the last few months of our friendship, he texted me regularly asking if I was single yet, if I had 'smartened up,' etc. I entertained these behaviors because I lacked so much confidence in myself that I really did think he was JUST joking and he wasn't interested in me. The last straw was when we met, he gave me an unexpected gift and more or less told me I needed to dump my boyfriend and be with him.

 

My boyfriend had met him the summer previously when I was having my college graduation party. The co-worker didn't know anyone else, so I spent most of the night talking to him. My boyfriend was very jealous afterward. I didn't find the co-worker attractive, but the first time we had time alone, my boyfriend snapped: "He's attractive! You told me he was ugly!"

 

I think that experiencing jealousy HIMSELF was an eye-opener into the nastiness and immaturity of his behavior. He stopped doing all of that nonsense. It also helped that, very fed up, I bagged up everything he had ever given me or let me borrow. I arrived at his apartment and set it all on the floor.

 

I made my terms clear: she was gone or I was gone. I had every intention of walking out of that apartment a single woman. Instead, he started crying and apologizing. He told me he was sorry for the deplorable way he had been treating me. It was like he cleaned his act up overnight and he never acted that way again.

 

So the lesson here is - stop tolerating it. You COULD go out of your way to try and make him jealous, but this runs the risk of looking too obvious (in my case, I didn't have to try - I met the guy and he was head-over-heels). I think your best bet really is to bag up everything you've ever gotten, take it over there and break up with him.

 

While my situation has turned out for the better, it has left its scars. I will always remember the way he treated me. Sometimes he does things that make me nervous that he will go BACK to that way of treating me. Honestly, I can say from experience that it's probably better just to leave when they start doing this, especially because it seems like the ex in this case is going to continue to interfere. If she weren't the type to openly express her love and interest in him, it would be one thing. But a woman who's that desperate is likely to go ahead and cheat with a guy who's already in a relationship. They may already have something going.

 

Life is too short to play second fiddle.

[freestyle]

Hello all ... To make a very long story short I have been dating a man for 3 years. Much of that time has been rocky due to distance and argument. Lately, we have been fighting like never before and I could not understand why. I was never one to disrespect my significant others need for privacy and so never logged into his email, facebook, phone accounts despite having the password to them. However, the past few months I logged into his online phone records and have been seeing a pattern of 1. him speaking to other women when things get rocky with us 2. him texting with his ex-girlfriend from time to time. I am very honest and have confronted him about this to which he has replied 1. he is entighteled to have female friends and 2. since the ex-gf and him did not end their relationship on bad terms he feels it's okay for them to speak sometimes.

 

Now some background ... the ex-girlfriend told him, our mutual friends, and my boyfriends parents that she will buy them a home if he got back together with her, that she will do anything for them to be together again. It is a know fact that she is in love with him and will go to any extent to speak to him. They have been broken up over 3 years and yet despite his knowing that it kills me that he speaks to her, he continues to do it.

 

 

He says my jealousy will lead us to break up. That my jealousy is ridiculous and that he loves me and only me and will never be with another woman. I don't think it's fair that he speaks to other women ESPECIALLY his ex-girlfriend when he knows it tears my hear apart to know he speaks to her. I don't feel like she is competition to me, but I do feel as though maybe he is keeping her and his "friend" women around as back ups.

 

Please help ... I want to teach him a lesson, show him this behavior is not oaky. I do not speak to my ex-boyfriends, and if I did he probably would be very very upset with me. When I tell him to put himself in my shoes and think about how it would make him feel if I was doing this, he doesn't reply to the question at hand and dismisses me. Please help me, I love this man, but this jealousy and insecurity is slowly killing me and my relationship.

 

 

Your jealousy is a NORMAL reaction to very inappropriate and disrespectful behavior on your bf's part.

 

HE was the one chatting up other women,including his ex,BEHIND YOUR BACK.

 

Of course you're not going to feel secure in a relationship when that's going on. I don't think anybody would.

 

Instead of being accountable for HIS behavior---your bf is criticizing you, and judging you for reacting to his behavior. (Notice how that allows him to neatly side-step accountability---by shifting the focus onto YOU---when he's the one who belongs in the hot seat right now.)

 

Here's the tough question you need to ask yourself---

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who dismisses your feelings?

[berry01]

Freestyle, I could not have said it better myself. "Notice how that allows him to neatly side-step accountability---by shifting the focus onto YOU---when he's the one who belongs in the hot seat right now.)" In the course of our entire relationship he has ALWAYS shifted the focus on me and made it seem as though I was the bad guy. I know he has his own insecurity issues regarding his weight, career, finances, etc. His defense mechanism is always to shift the blame onto others as opposed to admitting to his wrongdoings and moving on. It's something I've struggled with for years and has gotten better over time but in this situation you are completely right and I didn't exactly see it like that. He doesn't dismiss my feelings per-say. He does address them and previously he has stopped this behavior and promised me he'd stop speaking to her, he stops for a month, 2 or 3 and then somehow begins again. I asked him today what he spoke to her about and I quote

 

he says - "I am tired of proving myself over and over to you. I have been proving my honesty and faithfulness to you for over a year and I'm tired of having to do it every single time. I was not speaking to her about you or about anything romantic in anyway, something happened with a mutual friend of ours and I wanted to get her side of the story. I have nothing romantic going on with any women except for you, I've never cheated on you, would never cheat on you and have proved this to you time and time again. Every single time I prove myself to you, you see that I am genuine and I am in love with you and would never hurt you, yet you continue to accuse me of cheating and lying"

 

The reason I continue to accuse him is because he promises me he won't speak to these women and then he begins the behavior again. It's like a never-ending cycle which I have no idea how to stop!

 

Riverrunning, it's great that you found the courage to give your man an ultimatum but I know that tactic would never work with mine. He is horrible under pressure and I know would never be able to deal with an ultimatum. I can easily bring another man into the picture but I really don't want to hurt him ... perhaps that is naive of me to say but I don't want to do to him what he is sort of doing to me. I have hopes that he will stop speaking to these women as he promises to do and never begin speaking to them again but nothing will ever guarantee this for me. It's awful having to live with this heavy feeling in my heart and having to feel like I need to spy on his phone records etc. I hate feeling like I am invading his privacy and investigating every aspect of his life.

 

I just don't know how to feel secure in this relationship after his flirtatious chats with these women, but I also don't want to leave him, so confused

[RiverRunning]

If he can't take a conversation that's summed up as, "Look, I'm done dealing with this, so you need to make a decision. I'm not tolerating this. It's me or her," you have your answer, is my feeling. He's not going to put you first. He's always going to want to string you along or, at worst, pick her over you.

 

If you feel this is something you can't forgive him for - it's best just to move on. He has some MAJOR work to do to rebuild your trust in him after this, and I just doubt it's going to happen, especially when she's a meddler.

 

In my case, I would issue my ultimatum again today if it came down to it. Well, if I felt I had to do it AGAIN, I would just leave. He knows his boundaries. I told him that if he ever spoke to her again, our relationship would be over. Period. I am not here to joke and play around, and for a long time he didn't take me seriously because all he had to do was tell me I was being insecure/irrationally jealous, and I would just back down and let him get away with it.

 

I have a feeling your situation will go the same way. I told mine a hundred times I wasn't happy about it, it needed to stop, etc. He'd give me a half-hearted "OK" after plenty of fighting and then never do anything about it.

 

You know what he told me? He told me that he would've done the same thing in my shoes. That he wasn't upset that I had issued the ultimatum - because once he got a taste of his own medicine (detailed in the next paragraph), he realized what was at stake. He realized that getting rid of her was nothing compared to keeping me. He realized he was being foolish. Not all men come to that realization. If he's begrudging when you set your boundaries, then you have your answer. Right now, he's acting begrudgingly.

 

Something about seeing all of his crap in garbage bags on the floor struck terror in his heart. Also the fact that he thought the co-worker was good-looking, funny and a genuine threat. I am not here to play games. You shouldn't play games with this guy either, berry. You need to train him how to treat you. You get from people what you tell people you deserve. I think you deserve better, don't you? Would you EVER do this to a boyfriend you had? I doubt it.

 

You have the power in you to tell this guy where to shove it. You have the power to survive on your own and to meet someone who is going to treat you right if he isn't going to shape up. This isn't the end of the road, where you have to hope and pray he'll 'maybe' stop talking to this meddler.

 

You don't have to issue the classic 'me or her' ultimatum. But a simple, "I wanted to let you know that I am not going to tolerate this anymore. I would like you to stop speaking with her entirely and get her out of your life, or I am not going to be able to continue this relationship," sounds much better. There is NOTHING wrong with establishing your boundaries. That doesn't make you "controlling" or "mean" or any other number of things that people typically assign to a woman who knows what she wants. It makes you human, and hopefully a happy one at that.

 

He is free to change his behavior or not. In the meantime, you are FREE to move on with your life. No man is worth this kind of suffering and insecurity. I think the vast majority of women would feel the same as you do in regards to jealousy and insecurity with a man acting like this.

 

You're not standing up for yourself, berry. Imagine you do issue an ultimatum and he dumps you. Would you want to stick around with a guy who's perpetually looking back at his ex anyway? He would be doing you a favor! You need to learn that in a partnership, you are as equal and important as he is. It is NOT all about what he wants. Right now he's acting like a child who wants to get everything he desires. When you choose to be in a relationship, you make sacrifices. You cannot continue acting like a single man who does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Some things are totally unacceptable. My feeling is that talking to an ex with whom you don't share minor children at all is inappropriate, but especially so when you know it is hurting your partner and you just don't care. An ex is an ex, not "just a friend," despite that common saying. This is someone with whom you share a romantic history and clearly enough history to be on a friend level. Clearly there was some physical attraction there.

 

You have power in this relationship. Exercise it. Don't sit back while he continues hurting you. If you do, you're only getting what you deserve.

Edited November 15, 2011 by RiverRunning

[RiverRunning]

Wanted to add - he turns all of the issues on you? Definitely a sign of immaturity. I'm going to guess you're both young. In any case, I dealt with this in my ex. He was the type to ALWAYS flip problems back onto me. We would start a conversation about how he needed to show me respect and he needed to pull more weight in the relationship, and it would transform into a lengthy discussion about how I wasn't 'spontaneous' enough for him. It's a manipulative tactic that people employ so they can protect their egos. He either needs to learn to start accepting accountability or MOVE ON.

 

He does this over and over and judging by what he told you, he is still going to flip all of this on you. When deciding if someone is faithful or not, you look to their actions, not their words. He started talking to this woman behind your back. He does it over and over again. Does that sound like a faithful and honest person to you? He doesn't sound like one to me.

[berry01]

RiverRunning, It's so funny you say we are both young because that's exactly how I feel, as if I am in a relationship with a kid who I constantly have to monitor by looking at phone records and such, as if it were my child. Ironically enough, we are both trained BEHAVIORAL therapists! We study peoples behaviors, train them, but can't get it down ourselves.

 

I appreciate your insight tremendously, and while I wholeheartedly agree with you in regards to setting boundaries which I have done regarding other issues I just can't seem to do it regarding this one. I don't think there's anything going on with the ex, just sends him a text and he replies, I think that is the extent of it, for now at least. Do I really want to lose him over some text messages? So much has happened to us in the past year, from my end, from his end that has ruffled our feathers and has many times almost caused us to go out separate ways ... I don't want to present this as an ultimatum to him.

 

From a pure behavioral standpoint 99% of people react to things like this with "You don't like it, okay, well I won't stop" and while that seems completely insensitive that's pure human nature. I of course don't want to spend my life with someone who has that type of reaction to me but he has promised he would stop speaking to her and now I am starting to think that this is a trust issue within me ... is 1 message really that bad? Or am I turning this blame on myself as to avoid a potentially unpleasant experience ...

[freestyle]

If he can't take a conversation that's summed up as, "Look, I'm done dealing with this, so you need to make a decision. I'm not tolerating this. It's me or her," you have your answer, is my feeling. He's not going to put you first. He's always going to want to string you along or, at worst, pick her over you.

 

If you feel this is something you can't forgive him for - it's best just to move on. He has some MAJOR work to do to rebuild your trust in him after this, and I just doubt it's going to happen, especially when she's a meddler.

 

In my case, I would issue my ultimatum again today if it came down to it. Well, if I felt I had to do it AGAIN, I would just leave. He knows his boundaries. I told him that if he ever spoke to her again, our relationship would be over. Period. I am not here to joke and play around, and for a long time he didn't take me seriously because all he had to do was tell me I was being insecure/irrationally jealous, and I would just back down and let him get away with it.

 

I have a feeling your situation will go the same way. I told mine a hundred times I wasn't happy about it, it needed to stop, etc. He'd give me a half-hearted "OK" after plenty of fighting and then never do anything about it.

 

You know what he told me? He told me that he would've done the same thing in my shoes. That he wasn't upset that I had issued the ultimatum - because once he got a taste of his own medicine (detailed in the next paragraph), he realized what was at stake. He realized that getting rid of her was nothing compared to keeping me. He realized he was being foolish. Not all men come to that realization. If he's begrudging when you set your boundaries, then you have your answer. Right now, he's acting begrudgingly.

 

Something about seeing all of his crap in garbage bags on the floor struck terror in his heart. Also the fact that he thought the co-worker was good-looking, funny and a genuine threat. I am not here to play games. You shouldn't play games with this guy either, berry. You need to train him how to treat you. You get from people what you tell people you deserve. I think you deserve better, don't you? Would you EVER do this to a boyfriend you had? I doubt it.

 

You have the power in you to tell this guy where to shove it. You have the power to survive on your own and to meet someone who is going to treat you right if he isn't going to shape up. This isn't the end of the road, where you have to hope and pray he'll 'maybe' stop talking to this meddler.

 

You don't have to issue the classic 'me or her' ultimatum. But a simple, "I wanted to let you know that I am not going to tolerate this anymore. I would like you to stop speaking with her entirely and get her out of your life, or I am not going to be able to continue this relationship," sounds much better. There is NOTHING wrong with establishing your boundaries. That doesn't make you "controlling" or "mean" or any other number of things that people typically assign to a woman who knows what she wants. It makes you human, and hopefully a happy one at that.

 

He is free to change his behavior or not. In the meantime, you are FREE to move on with your life. No man is worth this kind of suffering and insecurity. I think the vast majority of women would feel the same as you do in regards to jealousy and insecurity with a man acting like this.

 

You're not standing up for yourself, berry. Imagine you do issue an ultimatum and he dumps you. Would you want to stick around with a guy who's perpetually looking back at his ex anyway? He would be doing you a favor! You need to learn that in a partnership, you are as equal and important as he is. It is NOT all about what he wants. Right now he's acting like a child who wants to get everything he desires. When you choose to be in a relationship, you make sacrifices. You cannot continue acting like a single man who does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Some things are totally unacceptable. My feeling is that talking to an ex with whom you don't share minor children at all is inappropriate, but especially so when you know it is hurting your partner and you just don't care. An ex is an ex, not "just a friend," despite that common saying. This is someone with whom you share a romantic history and clearly enough history to be on a friend level. Clearly there was some physical attraction there.

 

You have power in this relationship. Exercise it. Don't sit back while he continues hurting you. If you do, you're only getting what you deserve.

 

 

Excellent post, RiverRunning!! I took the liberty of bolding some of the parts, for the sake of emphasis...........

 

You said a lot of the same things I wanted to say.......

[RiverRunning]

The light texting with the ex still doesn't make up for running to other women whenever you're having problems. My honest feeling is that this guy has gaslighted you to the moon. You're questioning yourself and your own motivations rather than his behavior. Several people here are validating you and your opinions on this issue. Clearly, he is having emotional affairs outside of your relationship. Is he detailing the problems in his relationship and flirting with these women or what?

 

I do think the best gauge of whether or not he's a hypocrite would be to start talking about what an ex is currently doing. This is underhanded, but if he reacts negatively, you can then ask why he feels it's OK for him to talk to an ex but not okay for you to talk to yours. Often, people who are fine with talking to their exes but prohibit their partners from doing the same are guilty of what they think their partners might do - i.e., they still have feelings for their exes, but are too worried that their partner might feel the same way about his/her exes.

 

As it is, you've gently laid out your stance every time and apparently he just continues to ignore you after promising he'll change, only to continue the same behavior. You have spoken to him and he's made it clear that your feelings don't count and they don't matter. It's all how he think that things should progress. Someone who won't even compromise like that is dangerous. What happens if other situations arise in your relationship? Because that stubborn independent streak is unlikely to be reserved solely for what's happening in your relationship now. It wasn't in mine.

 

Is it worth throwing a relationship away 'over 1 text message'? Yes, if it's causing this much distress to you, if he's not going to at least compromise in any way in regards to these women he talks to. Your happiness is worth more than a relationship. I still don't know if you are grasping that concept - I can guarantee you that there are men out there who will at least compromise if you're unhappy with how they're handling friendships with women. There are some men who have nothing to do with their exes and who won't let another woman interfere in their relationships. You can have that...if you stop tolerating what your boyfriend is doing to you now.

 

My honest feeling is that you're backtracking and trying to make it appear as if he's 'not as bad' so you can justify your inaction to yourself. You say that you don't want to bring up anything to him and apparently you want to work on yourself now - you can delude yourself to the moon, but I really don't think that this jealousy is an internal problem. Have you been jealous, historically, in past relationships? Have you been insecure in past relationships like this?

 

There is nothing wrong with having your boundaries. Some women would be -fine- with a boyfriend doing what yours is doing. Many more would not. I don't think you can convince yourself to be 'ok' or 'happy' with this arrangement. Because I don't think your boyfriend is going to do anything but turn the blame around on you. You're both therapists. Oh boy. You both know how to play the game, then.

 

I would dump my boyfriend in a heartbeat if he reverted to his previous behavior again. He knows this. If he's not happy with it, he's free to leave and go his own way. I have no problem with that - we all lead our own lives and if he's not happy with the direction I need the relationship to go for my own sanity, he can find someone else who will accept it. But I would never again tolerate that degree of unhappiness. I don't care if I did squander 3 or 4 years with him. Better to give up on a relationship that makes you unhappy at ANY length of time rather than continuing to invest years in something that makes you feel like you're better off dead. You cut your losses and go.

 

But no one can ultimately decide what to do here but you, berry. Is this really something you can live with? How much time are you willing to invest in being unhappy and trying to fix yourself before you bail? Would you just stay indefinitely being so unhappy?

[berry01]

I sat down with him and set it straight, either he continues a healthy relationship with me or he can be in a relationship with his ex. He said he loved me and his conversation with her was meaningless and he would stop any contact with her. Because my trust has been broken so many times it's difficult to trust but I guess I will give this one last go. I've had this heavy feeling on my chest all day, sort of like I am just waiting for him to mess it up again and there I go back to square one.

 

I've never really had trust issues like this before and when I did it was always towards the very end of the relationship when I let the man get too comfortable and he felt like he could get away with murder and I would still be there twiddling my thumbs. It seems I am in this same situation again, but because this is a whole different ball game in terms of love and commitment I really don't want to repeat any of the same mistakes in letting the man get too comfortable.

 

My boyfriend is already too comfortable and I've followed everyones input in terms of standing my own ground and communicating MY needs to him. This lingering feeling of doom is just horrific ... hoping it's just the first day and it'll get better as he proves himself to me but for now it's keeping me from productivity and sanity! Ugh, love ...

[freestyle]

I sat down with him and set it straight, either he continues a healthy relationship with me or he can be in a relationship with his ex. He said he loved me and his conversation with her was meaningless and he would stop any contact with her. Because my trust has been broken so many times it's difficult to trust but I guess I will give this one last go. I've had this heavy feeling on my chest all day, sort of like I am just waiting for him to mess it up again and there I go back to square one.

 

I've never really had trust issues like this before and when I did it was always towards the very end of the relationship when I let the man get too comfortable and he felt like he could get away with murder and I would still be there twiddling my thumbs. It seems I am in this same situation again, but because this is a whole different ball game in terms of love and commitment I really don't want to repeat any of the same mistakes in letting the man get too comfortable.

 

My boyfriend is already too comfortable and I've followed everyones input in terms of standing my own ground and communicating MY needs to him. This lingering feeling of doom is just horrific ... hoping it's just the first day and it'll get better as he proves himself to me but for now it's keeping me from productivity and sanity! Ugh, love ...

 

Good for you---stand firm.

 

A relationship shouldn't rob you of your peace of mind---it should enhance it.

 

I was concerned by the fact that you seemed too quick to blame yourself--

(labeling yourself as jealous and insecure) when you began this thread.

I'm very glad to see you standing taller. I've been through a similar experience myself, where I had legitimate concerns about my SO's friendship with another woman. Same as you--he turned the tables on me, and implied that it was "just insecurity" on my part.I went through a long period of second-guessing myself, wondering if I was overreacting, etc.

(that's a type of hell I will NEVER allow myself to experience again--)

 

Much like River Running---I finally put my foot down---and let him know that he was hanging by the thinnest of threads with me. This "friend" of his had deliberately tried to stir up drama between my SO & myself---so, for him to continue a friendship with her was like a slap in the face to me.

 

(turns out she'd done this in the past with other gfs of his--some friend..)

 

It took me threatening to leave to wake him up. But I regained a lot of self-esteem that was temporarily misplaced when I was second-guessing myself.

[berry01]

The only reason I sometimes think maybe I shut put the blame on myself is because the previous mistakes (completely unrelated to the current situation) I've made in the relationship. Obviously, I cannot go back in time and mend the things I wish I'd done differently but like any human I often wonder perhaps this could have all been avoided if I hadn't made those mistakes. I just hope he sticks to his word and doesn't go back into contact with her. She hasn't attempted to contact him as of yet but I know it's coming and the real question is what his response or hopefully LACK of response will be. I just hope I am able to deal with the worst situation but I am looking forward to embrace him keeping his promise and moving forward with our life together.

[berry01]

After I sat my boyfriend down to express my concerns to him and lay out the turns in a clear manner, he expressed to me that he feels I've become controlling and "psychotic" as he put it because of my trust issues with him. So the deal was he promised to speak to her and I wouldn't be controlling.

 

My controlling behavior obviously stems from him speaking to his ex and when she's out of the picture I let my controlling guard down and trust him. I'm sad to say this only lasted about 36 hours. He just called me saying he was stopping by a friends house, we spoke while he was driving then all of the sudden I head this odd background music (not radio) and he said to me abruptly that he had to go, so I replied asking "oh you got to your friends now your got to go?" and he said yep, just got hear, and hung up the phone. I knew it wasn't his friends house with background music so I called him back several times and sent several text's asking where he was and why he lied to me.

 

He calls me back in 10 minutes yelling his head off about how I broke my promise, how he feels I can't be normal for more than 24 hours and that he was at the pharmacy. Perhaps he WAS at the pharmacy trust is not the issue here, I do believe he went to his friends house but what I can't understand is why he couldn't just tell me hey i'm at the pharmacy i'll call you back in a few. It just makes absolutely no sense to me, is this a quality ingrained in all men? To just be difficult? He texted me saying "please don't call me, you can't keep your promise for more than 24 hours, your crazy, i'm done with this".

 

He's making me feel like I was the one who did something wrong. However, my reaction was just in response to his action so what am I supposed to do with this guy whose gone all crazy on me but I still love him??

 

I've realized that my reactions are usually totally proportional to his actions. Like I've said before, he tends to turn the blame on me no matter who is at fault and I find myself apologizing alot of the time when I truly don't find it necessary, I guess I do it to appease the situation.

 

I sort of feel like breaking up isn't an option for me but I'm not sure how to salvage the whole thing. Maybe just backing off and exuding the I don't care about anything you do and nothing bothers me attitude, as long as he is faithful, not speaking to the ex. I have no idea which tactic would work with him. Actually, sadly enough, I have no idea how these problems came afloat in the first place.