Does he mean it when he says he loves me

[red83]

My life is one big mess right now. I fell in love with a friend and left my husband. At the time I didn't leave hoping for a future with this guy. I just knew that having such strong feelings for someone else meant I really wasn't in love with my husband anymore and had to leave.

 

My friend we'll call B. When I left I told B I wasn't leaving for him and I had no expectations. He was really great and supportive helped me move out, and even let me live with him for a few days when I became homeless. He was sweet caring and everything I could want.

 

He kept pushing for a relationship with me and I refused. But he kept pushing and pushing and told me he loved me, that we were best friends and he has never met anyone like me before. I agreed to open myself up and give the relationship a go.

 

I set down one ground rule that he must always respect me and treat me respectfully. He agreed and said he would never want to hurt me.

 

Anyway since then we have had a few fights over him not calling when he said he would. I don't expect him to be in contact all the time but I believe when someone says they will call you and don't its disrespectful. It all came to a head at the weekend when I had a very important event to attend. He was at a funeral during the day and I told him 3 times I didn't expect him to come but if he wasn't could he just let me know. 3 times he insisted that he would be there. Anyway the event came and he didn't show up, I couldn't get through to him on his phone and when I went to the pub I knew he'd be at later he was there and just said oh i'm sorry I missed it.

 

I blew up at him as I was so angry. I understand he was at a funeral and it would be a hard day but I had given him an out 3 times. If he couldn't come all I wanted was a quick text to say sorry I can't make it i'll see you later.

 

We talked and sorted it out but later on after we'd been drinking I again lost it. Yes I admit this is my fault. I pushed him to find out what was going on in his head and he said that may be we did rush in to things. This left me absolutely crushed. He said he wanted to take a step back, so I asked him to not tell me he loves me anymore until he knows if he really does or not.

 

The next day I put my thoughts down on paper and asked what he thought was a relationship and did he think we had a future. He said he does want us to have a future together and he thought a relationship was about respecting each other, and having alife with your best friend. We had a lovely day. But when I left this morning I've just have this horrible feeling that it will be over.

 

We've made a deal to try and go 2 weeks without a fight, but I just don't think I can trust he wont let me down again.

 

On self reflection I do feel i'm putting all my eggs in one basket with this relationship because i'm scared to be alone, and i'm scared i'll look a fool for leaving my husband. If we break up I don't think I can handle it emotionally right now. Leaving my husband, living alone and having issues at work i'm feeling very vulnerable.

 

I've decided to give him some space. He hasn't asked for it but I want him chase me again. Plus I think he needs time to think. I'm not calling or texting and i'm letting him come to me first. This is absolutly killing me but I needs to be done.

 

I used to be a very strong, independant woman, now I feel pathetic and a bit crazy.

 

Does anyone have any wise words of wisom?

Thanks

[wilsonx]

Honestly,

 

Just going to be blunt, you are insecure and with that comes the tendency to be selfish.

 

Classic grass is greener on the other side.

 

There are 2 issues I see

 

1) you are afraid of how others perceive you

2) you are afraid of abandonment.

 

You stated that you use to be a strong and independent woman. Did you know that independent is also a sign of selfishness. I love when someone tells me they are independent. I can see the flames coming on this one.

 

In relations with anything theres a huge difference between independent and interdependent. Independent people think of only themselves first and when the times get rough, what do they do, go back to being independent (Reread your story right now and for everyone else reading this and attempting to flame, think outside of the box on this and read how shes worried how others will perceive her, not that she toasted a marriage...classic victim rationale that I've posted here many times before). Interdependent people know how to work with other people to solve things even if it means ending relationships.

 

Look at where you are now, you assumed you didn't love your husband anymore because you fell in love with a friend so you jumped the fence. Now that the grass isnt as green as you thought it was on the other side, you are worried that everyone you know including your ex husband will think now that your current relationship is in jeopardy. Right now you are panicking because you realize you made a mistake, even being controlling with your current boyfriend and failed to give him space. He said your relationship went to fast. If I was a betting man, I'd say start looking for another fence to jump soon. Or you could do the right thing and get counseling.

 

For him, its the same thing as you did to your ex husband, classic "I love you but not in love with you"

[red83]

Thanks Wilsonx. I do appreciate your honesty, and you have given me food for thought.

 

When I talk to my friends they pussy foot around me and I feel aren't honest.

 

I did need that. Thank you.

[voels]

Did you ever thought of what your husband feel, and what he has got to go through?

[Thieves]

First of all, when you are an adult at your age and married to someone else whom you are thinking about leaving, ALWAYS make sure you have a safety net before you leave. And no, I don't mean a safety net as in someone else whom you think you are "in love" with -- that comes second to you. I mean an actual safety net as in making sure you are secure and able to do well by yourself until you are sure your other plans are solid (such as going into a relationship with your friend). So always make sure you're secure and have that "net" (whether it be money, housing, etc.) before going back out on your own so that your well-being doesn't depend very much on another man or woman (such as when you lived in your friend's house for a few days when you became homeless; asking family for some help is alright and is another case.)

 

In other words, make sure you have your crap together before just up and leaving, because that's kind of what seems to have happened here. Metaphorically, you wouldn't jump without looking into a pool empty of water, so do the same when it comes to certain issues in your life.

 

Secondly, I do believe you should have taken some time -- at least a little -- to yourself before continuing things with your 'friend' B. After all, you had just left your husband, and no matter how "in love" you were with your friend and thought you weren't that affected by the situation with your husband, some things are still able to slip underneath the surface and take a toll on you -- whether it be now, or later. This is clear because later on in your post, you go on to reveal that you feel very vulnerable, and that you're scared to be alone. I can guarantee that if you'd given yourself some space from both your husband and your friend, that it wouldn't have felt like you were putting all your eggs in one basket. Why? Because: it would've allowed you to take a breather and re-adjust to being by yourself, it would've given you time to actually regain your independence (and not just an illusion of it simply because you left), and get more perspective to make a better decision about being with your friend.

 

It's good that you've decided to give him space now, but it probably would've been best to do that before all of what happened between you two, just to make sure that what you two were doing wasn't mostly in the heat of the moment. The reason I believe it was more in the heat of the moment is because he kept pushing you to be with him without really considering the fact that you had just left your husband and you might need some time to clear your head.

 

Whether he actually loves you or not is something that is pretty clear to me by his actions when reading your post. Although I know that some people are more inclined to be insecure in their relationships, I think there's always a small part of them that knows their partner does love them (whether they think they're worthy of it or not). And to be honest, if you feel he doesn't love you or doesn't mean it, he probably doesn't. At least not with how he's acting. Listen to your instincts, because most of the time, they're pretty spot on.

 

One thing that struck me was that I don't really think you should have to make a deal with each other in order to "not fight" for two weeks, nor do I think he would have such a hard time communicating with you consistently, nor do I think he would've kept "pushing" you for a relationship if he genuinely loves you. A lot of this just seems like hasty decisions were made and now you both are left with the uncertain outcome. I don't think you should "want him to chase you" again, either. You two are adults, there's no need for mind games like that. Give him space and focus on getting back on your own two feet again -- without him.

[fistandantulus]

I am sorry buy all I see is Karma biting your ass! You deserved this by leaving your husband, who most probably loved you sincerely and would have given anything to make your marriage work. You broke a heart selfishly, jumped into another relationship without even thinking about what you left behind, and now you are paying its toll. Fair enough!

[red83]

I am sorry buy all I see is Karma biting your ass! You deserved this by leaving your husband, who most probably loved you sincerely and would have given anything to make your marriage work. You broke a heart selfishly, jumped into another relationship without even thinking about what you left behind, and now you are paying its toll. Fair enough!

 

Actually you are wrong. My husband barely spoke to me, we didn't sleep together and when I left he didn't try and make me stay.

 

It was often like living with a child constantly telling him to pick his clothes up, wash the dishes etc etc. So don't make assumptions as to my marriage thank you.

 

I acknowledge that I was miserable and got swept up in a romance that possibly has no future. I should have laid out a solid plan first, i know that now.

 

But the reality of it is I didn't and now i'm suffering the consequences.