GUYS WON'T GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!

[sweet_intelligent_lonely_gal]

All my life I've had trouble meeting that special someone. I'm a 23 y/o gal, attractive (a little overweight, but with a pretty face), intelligent, honor student, motivated, artistic, outgoing, bold, well-dressed, a little unusual but down to earth, nice as can be, give it all up for you type and I've had only 3 boyfriends.

 

It's been 3 years since I have had a boyfriend (My ex dumped me in the fall of '97). Since then, I've had NO luck!!! I've tried singles ads, school events (I've since graduated), bars, volunteering, meeting guys through friends, church, the casino, stores, coffeehouses, singles groups, even people's weddings, but every guy I meet that I am interested in is either:

 

1. Married (Tons of hitched 24 y/o's; more than you would think)

 

2. Engaged

 

3. Involved in a relationship

 

4. Gay

 

or

 

5. Not interested

 

I am a magnet for 50 y/o beer guzzlers, guys without a clue, men in India, and hardcore partiers. (I am none of the above). I place personal ads on several sites (love @ aol, american singles, I even run my own dating service!), but nothing works. In fact, half the time I get responses from guys that are the total opposite of what I say I'm looking for! Some even go as far as to send nasty insults about my weight!

 

I just state in the ad that I want a 20's / early 30's guy that is the following:

 

Clean-cut professional type. Neat hair, clean-shaven, businessman look. No tatoos or piercings (Earrings OK). Sweet, sensitive, and extremely ambitious! Hard-worker like myself. One more thing, only men living in the US or men who are planning to live in the US please reply. (Copied from the actual ad).

 

I also talk about interests and what I have to offer that men often seem to say they want:

 

I am spontaneous, silly, not dependent on men or others, and I can fend for myself. I enjoy boating and the beach. I love to swim. I don't mind you spending time w/the guys. I will laugh at your jokes and go along with your plans. I can and will paint or draw you; you will always be on my mind and in my work. I write poetry and short stories about important people in my life. Want to be my muse? Step my way...

 

Of course, the other vitals are in there, as well. My age, height (5'), a photo, etc. Interests: Music, architecture, business, drawing/singing/the arts, etc.

 

Responding to THEIR ads is another story! MOST don't even reply back (including those who say "will reply to all ads") The ones that do seem to disappear after one or two emails. I do occasionally get good replies to my ad and meet up with them. (I don't believe I've met up with more than 1 or 2 guys whose ads I REPLIED TO). I've met some guys lately and here are the stories:

 

* In May, I met a guy off the 'net. We talked for almost a month and then met up. On the phone he seemed nice. Very intelligent and articulate. Had 2 college degrees and a decent job. Loved philosophy and intelligent debate. Aspired to become a lawyer. Went out of his way for me in some ways (like making most of the phone calls, getting a 2 photos done just to mail to me cuz he didn't have a scanner, getting an AOL Instant Messanger account after the second email contact just to talk to me, etc.)

 

Before meeting him, I wasn't all that attracted to him. I saw his pics and all, but his personality was nice. When we finally met up (He lived 2.5 hours away from me) I felt uncomforatable at first with cuddling w/him in the movies, let alone kissing him. I figured "hello! This is out first date! it's too soon to tell" and then we proceeded to my house and then the casino. We cuddled, played the slotless slots, went for 2 walks, held under the stars, went to dinner and had lots of fun. He said I was easy to hold and he felt very comfortable w/me. He left that night and I didn't hear from him for awhile.

 

I knew his grandpa was sick, but when I finally got ahold of him, he said gramps was alright. I called the next day, and the next, and the next. No reply. Left voicemail and email. That was in June and have't heard back since.

 

An important detail is this: We talked about my abstinence policy and he was OK with that. I don't tell guys upfront like that any more due to advice from several people, but if you have a reason to differ, I'd love to hear it. I know that waiting is a problem for most guys and you'll probably cite that as the problem. I'd like to hear advice on more than just that, though. =)

 

-----

 

* Jump ahead to Labor Day. I have known this guy that I met online for 2 years. We talked on and off for 2 years, then we got chatting regularly for about a month in August. We had a lot in common, this one was ALSO intelligent, I WAS attracted to him and he took the train all the way up from NYC (I'm in Upstate NY), stayed in a hotel and rented a car.

 

We hit it off, had a great time, but I was foolish enough to tell him about my abstinence policy. He got very upset, CRIED, (He says it's a "rare experience" to hear him cry), and we talked about it. We agreed that it would be OK to just have oral sex, cuz he said he can't live without sex (yeah right), and I felt it was hopeless and unrealisitc to find a guy that would wait.

 

That was Friday. We went on to have a great weekend, some heavy makeout sessions, and an all out good time. No sex, just fun. When he was about the board the train for home, I asked him what he thought of me and he said "of course I like you. Why do you think I came up here?" I told him I just wanted it to be clear and that I hoped he would become my boyfriend pne day. He froze, silenced, and then we talked about something else. I called him the next day and left a message. No reply...I emailed him on Wed. and got a one line reply on Friday that stated: "My home computer crashed and I lost your number." Yeah right again, I sent off a one line reply w/my # and haven't heard back since.

 

-----

 

My best friend, counselor and I concluded that this dude came all this way and spent all this money just for sex. It's now funny to sit back and imagine the look on his face when he gets his credit card bill. =)

 

* Flash forward to last Sunday. I was at a church function volunteering, where I had met a gentleman the Thurs. before at the staffer meeting. He seemed very nice and interested in talking to me, and never shied away. My Mom knows this guy and his family, and said that he was super-nice and that she always kinda wanted to see me one day end up with him.

 

Come Sunday. At the end of the day, I go over to him and talk to him and then proceed to ask for his phone number, trying to be nondescript. He immediately, without thinking says "I'm too old." (I'm 23). I said "no you're not" and he and says "I'm 9 years older than you". I say "you're too young! It's better than 9 years younger than me!". We chit chat for a second and I hand him a piece of sticky note paper and a pen. He writes down his number and hands it back to me. I thank him and tell him once again "you're not too old". He disagrees, walks away and bids goodbye and says "be good."

 

This guy's a nice guy, is very religious (which means he probably can "wait"), and STiLL REJECTS ME!!!! WiTHOUT GiViNG iT A SECOND THOUGHT!!! ^%@@#!*&*&!!!!

 

Mom mentioned that he wanted to be a priest, but that was over 10 years ago. She knows he's not married or engaged, and is probably not involved. WHY THE HELL DiD HE TURN ME AWAY!!!! WiTHOUT EVEN THiNKING ABOUT iT???

 

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG??? I've been told time and time again "it's not you" "it's not you, it's them". I've also been told about how guys have trouble "waiting" (catch my drift?). But the first of the 3 said he didn't mind and this one probably could too! And THIS GUY IS ONE OF THE NICE ONES! My Mom knows him and knows his family well.

 

I'm so jaded that I couldn't give my heart to anyone, no matter how much I like them or they like me. I've tried not trying, trying harder, going to different places and events, volunteering, the internet personals, you saw the list above, but NOTHING WORKS!!!! I can't see what I'm doing wrong!!!

 

Someone please help me! I can't see why someone with so much to offer still keps getting rejected. All possible theories have failed. It just goes beyond prinicple...

[Tony T]

1. Lose the weight you need to lose to get to normal weight. Join a gym and shape up.

 

2. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

3. Stop being so nice and too available when a guy does show some interest. Guys want what they can't have.

 

4. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

5. Always use a good mouthwash morning, afternoon and evening.

 

6. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

7. Change colognes or perfume.

 

8. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

9. Quit analyzing every situation. If a guy doesn't want your number, doesn't want to see you, forget him. He's not worth the time.

 

10. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

11. When you meet a guy you really like and have been seeing him for a while and he wants to be intimate, give it some consideration and go for it if you can get comfortable with it.

 

12. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

13. Make your posts in the love forum much shorter and you will get ten marriage proposals within two weeks!!!

 

14. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

 

15. If you would have posted in four paragraphs or less, I would have married you sight unseen.

 

Best of luck to you, and remember, guys want a challenge. They don't want a girl who is NOT up their butt. Give them a run for their money. Don't be too nice or too sweetsie sweetsie!!! And, did I mention, stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not??? When you cease looking, you'll have more guys than you know what to do with.

[Tony T]

NOT SERIOUSLY LOOKING---Not eager to find a guy I don't really care whether I meet or not. Must be outgoing, intelligent, decent looking, considerate, fun-loving, with temperament to deal with my indifference. Need a guy who can handle me doing my own thing. Need a guy who can really get excited about meeting a gal who doesn't really care if she meets him or not. Whenever you get around to it, reply to box....Will answer all replies that I care too, if I am not too busy. I have a great life and will only make room for the right person, if I can find the time.

 

That oughta get 'em!!!

[sweet_intelligent_lonely_gal]

Hello Tony! Thank you for your response.

 

In regards to:

1. Lose the weight you need to lose to get to normal weight. Join a gym and shape up.

I've been working on that and it's going pretty well. I am, in fact, desigining my own weight loss program, which, upon completion, I will try to market.

2. Stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not.

Like I said in my post, I've tried "not trying" and I've tried "trying harder." It doesn't work. I've tried for years to not look at guys, not try and pick them up, or not be myself in any other way, but it keeps coming back! I'm just someone who would really like a nice man in my life! I don't feel I need a man to survive, just would like some mutual interest, love and affection. The whole theory of "ignore them and they will come to you" doesn't seems to work. I don't know how many guys I've met, who were available, and that I liked, who didn't make any effort at all to try to "make the first move." They just don't "come to me" even if I don't try to meet them or try get to know them at all!

3. Stop being so nice and too available when a guy does show some interest. Guys want what they can't have.

Yeah, maybe you're right. After I meet someone, I should try an' play the whole "hard to get" thing...I'm willing to try anything at this point...But I first have to meet a guy who's interested!

5. Always use a good mouthwash morning, afternoon and evening.

I do. Never had a complaint.

7. Change colognes or perfume.

Tired it, no response.

9. Quit analyzing every situation. If a guy doesn't want your number, doesn't want to see you, forget him. He's not worth the time.

Thanks for the support! I hear that a lot...I guess from being hurt so many times, I just sit back and wonder why it keeps happening...even from the quote-on-quote "nice guys" that my mother likes! =(

11. When you meet a guy you really like and have been seeing him for a while and he wants to be intimate, give it some consideration and go for it if you can get comfortable with it.

Even when I considered the very thought of "oral sex" with that last moron, I felt VERY uncomfortable, and that I wasn't being myself. The other consideration is the reality that I could become preggers, which is not completely avoidable no matter how much precaution I take! And no chance is a chance I want to take!!! And, yes, I have met guys who will wait! (Including my 3 exes, the guys in my post (2 of 3) and others...

13. Make your posts in the love forum much shorter and you will get ten marriage proposals within two weeks!!!

Be sure to check out the Condensed Version of "GUYS WON'T GIVE ME A CHANCE!" Only in Lover's Digest.

15. If you would have posted in four paragraphs or less, I would have married you sight unseen.

Thank you! You're so sweet...=)

Best of luck to you, and remember, guys want a challenge. They don't want a girl who is NOT up their butt. Give them a run for their money. Don't be too nice or too sweetsie sweetsie!!! And, did I mention, stop caring so much whether you find a guy or not??? When you cease looking, you'll have more guys than you know what to do with.

Thank you so much! Thank you for your advice! I like people who "tell it like it is". I'm the last "sweetsie sweetsie" person you'll meet (Gosh, those girls drive me nutz!), but I do admit that I've been WAY too nice. The idea that keeps running thru my head is "How do you know if you don't try", so I keep on trying. They don't seems to wanna come to me, so what do I do?

 

I will take your suggestions and run with them. I'll try not to be so nice, and I'll play "hard-to-get" if the possibility comes along. I'll try not to analyze the sitch so much either. =) Although it's an awfully hard unknown to deal with, especially when you really like someone, are really nice, and can't figure out why you recieve so much unrequited love/attention/affection/interest. At this point, it's not past the interest stage.

 

Thank you again! Please read my responses and tell me what you think!!!

[s_i_l_g]

Hello,

 

That's cute! Geez, maybe I should run that...LOL...just why would a guy want to meet a girl doesn't really care if she meets him or not??? Why reply to an ad if you know the person doesn't care to meet??? LOL

 

Thanks!

NOT SERIOUSLY LOOKING---Not eager to find a guy I don't really care whether I meet or not. Must be outgoing, intelligent, decent looking, considerate, fun-loving, with temperament to deal with my indifference. Need a guy who can handle me doing my own thing. Need a guy who can really get excited about meeting a gal who doesn't really care if she meets him or not. Whenever you get around to it, reply to box....Will answer all replies that I care too, if I am not too busy. I have a great life and will only make room for the right person, if I can find the time. That oughta get 'em!!!