He says he's leaving

[Hinder]

Brief history......our affair started almost 5years ago & has been on & off during that time. Work & families meant we took breaks between seeing each other, but we were always on each others minds. We were both married when it started but I ended my marriage about 12 months ago. He is and (so I thought) going to stay married. I asked him to leave her & be with me, he declined & told him that being the other woman wasn't enough for me any longer & I wish him all the best and walked away....zero contact. I honestly don't think he thought I would ever do that....I moved on with my life, went back to Uni & have been dating, life is good!

 

So he contacted me out of the blue last week. Told me he is completely miserable & wants to be with me. He told me he knows he led me on for too long and understands why it got too hard for me. He said he wants a life with me and asked if I would wait a couple of months for him to sort out somethings out financially and we would finally be together....

 

I really don't know where to go from here. I love him completely & never stopped. The thought of making a life with him is intoxicating & what I thought I always wanted but now it's here, I'm scared....

 

He's given me a date that he will end it with his wife, but we haven't spoken about what 'Our' life together will be like, where we will live, how we will juggle our kids.... None of the practical things & that scares me because I'm a planner, a practical person....

 

I really don't know where to go from here... Can I get excited? Do I cut contact all over again & say see you when you've left her? Do I stick around and help him through this? Help.....

[Radagast]

I really don't know where to go from here... Can I get excited? Do I cut contact all over again & say see you when you've left her? Do I stick around and help him through this? Help.....

 

If you've had no contact since you left him, there is no need for him to rely on your support through his separation. He will have other support systems to fall back on. You are under no obligation to him whatsoever. When he presents you with an offer that appeals to you, you can consider that. Until then, he is simply one of your many options.

[hockeyfan09]

If you've had no contact since you left him, there is no need for him to rely on your support through his separation. He will have other support systems to fall back on. You are under no obligation to him whatsoever. When he presents you with an offer that appeals to you, you can consider that. Until then, he is simply one of your many options.

 

This... its so easy to get sucked back in, and then nothing changes. Go with your gut feeling.. if what he says its too good to be true, it probably is. If he gave you a timeline, could you tell him that you will be there to support him as a friend after he leaves his wife? You likely don't want to rush into a relationship and have him have a change of heart and run back to the wife and kids. It sounds like you are doing really great right now, do you want to risk having to start all over again?

[Lemon Drop]

Hinder,

 

My situation is exactly like yours. We are only having LC, but it's driving me crazy and making me anxious. The crumbs from before seem like a feast now. The trouble is your date is so far out... why do they need so much time? If he had left when you did, you would be a whole year down the road together. Now he has an extra year with her and that much more crap added on. I understand having hope too, because ultimately that's what you want.

 

I don't think there's much of a chance of you not waiting, so I won't go there, but you are going to have some boundaries about contact or it will drive you crazy not hearing from him. The only thing worse than having a married boyfriend is having a married boyfriend you don't hear from, and your situation is different now that you are single. So either you will need no contact while he goes through the process or LC with guidelines so you know he is indeed moving forward.

 

Your hands are tied because you can't become interested in someone else, plus you wouldn't want to hurt anyone who becomes interested in you. Any time you spend with him delays his process because he's getting the good stuff from you so he maintains his status quo.

 

It's just a matter of waiting a year and then starting over if he doesn't leave (stuff happens, delaying?) or conciously moving forward and telling him you are moving forward and when he is ready, you will see how you feel then. (That's almost impossible because our brains are on high alert for the slot machine like high of being with them).

 

Keep me posted, I need the same advice.

[MissBee]

Brief history......our affair started almost 5years ago & has been on & off during that time. Work & families meant we took breaks between seeing each other, but we were always on each others minds. We were both married when it started but I ended my marriage about 12 months ago. He is and (so I thought) going to stay married. I asked him to leave her & be with me, he declined & told him that being the other woman wasn't enough for me any longer & I wish him all the best and walked away....zero contact. I honestly don't think he thought I would ever do that....I moved on with my life, went back to Uni & have been dating, life is good!

 

So he contacted me out of the blue last week. Told me he is completely miserable & wants to be with me. He told me he knows he led me on for too long and understands why it got too hard for me. He said he wants a life with me and asked if I would wait a couple of months for him to sort out somethings out financially and we would finally be together....

 

I really don't know where to go from here. I love him completely & never stopped. The thought of making a life with him is intoxicating & what I thought I always wanted but now it's here, I'm scared....

 

He's given me a date that he will end it with his wife, but we haven't spoken about what 'Our' life together will be like, where we will live, how we will juggle our kids.... None of the practical things & that scares me because I'm a planner, a practical person....

 

I really don't know where to go from here... Can I get excited? Do I cut contact all over again & say see you when you've left her? Do I stick around and help him through this? Help.....

 

 

I think you're right to be scared and your rational brain is right in thniking about legit plans and not just feelings of intoxication and excitement. I think most of us are adults and should know by now that it's never enough to go on feelings, especially in a case like this. All your concerns are huuuuuuuge ones. Indeed, what will your lives look like?

 

You've been back at Uni dating and so on and life has been good....I don't see why your life needs to change because he's now miserable and ready. What is he asking you to wait a couple months for? If it's meant to be and he leaves her, then you guys can start dating like a normal couple would and take it slow and see if it can translate into something real and sustainable. Sometimes affairs don't last as full time relationships, just like when dating a single person, sometimes it doesn't pan out for the long haul...hence dating them is to discover whether or not you can indeed make a life with them.

 

He seems to want to jump from the safety of his marriage into your arms with little time in between....no...it doesn't work like that. He shouldn't leave for you...just like you made the wise decision to leave your marriage because you wanted to, even if he didn't, and were living your life....he too needs to leave his wife because he wants to, live his life and then find you after all is said and done. He didn't "help you" through your divorce did he? I don't think you need to "help him" although maybe that is what he is hoping for....comfort and security and hand holding after he allowed you to walk away because he wasn't ready to give you what you need...now he is miserable and wants you to be there for him...oh please. Continue living your life hon, just like he found you now, he can find you again once it is all over and you guys can start on a new leaf. I think if one fears losing someone by standing up for what is right...then that person isn't theirs. He claims to understand why you walked away, if he is sincere, he should also understand why you're going to stay away until his life is sorted out. You got burned once...he should be sensitive to that and realize you're not going to just sit around again doing more waiting.

[Hazyhead]

Hi Hinder. I agree with the others. At this point in time he is still a married man - nothing has changed. But for you, aside from the feelings, everything has changed. He knows this and is scared that if (big 'if') he does leave his marriage, he will be all on his own, and he needs you as his safety net. You cannot provide that for him because he has to depend on himself, otherwise he will never grow into the man you need him to be.

 

At the moment his promises are just words. My advice: keep your distance and continue with your life until he has proven his word. You deserve better than to be pulled back in. He has to be strong enough to do it for himself.

[MissBee]

If you've had no contact since you left him, there is no need for him to rely on your support through his separation. He will have other support systems to fall back on. You are under no obligation to him whatsoever. When he presents you with an offer that appeals to you, you can consider that. Until then, he is simply one of your many options.

 

Ditto....

 

It's rather self-centered. They were in no contact and she had her divorce and he did not "help" her. He is a grown man and just like he found a way to survive without her then, he can and should do it again. Reminds me of my ex, who would always act so pitiful and request my "help" after breaking up with his many rebounds. I was dumb enough at the time to consider it...then realized it made no sense! Lol...what he meant was, he didn't want to be alone to process his pain (although he left me alone and I had to do it on my own)...so I should be his safety blanket. Once I wised up....I pulled that blanket away and slammed the door in his face, realizing how selfish and self-centered he was and how much I could never ever deal with a man like that again. The thing is...when you care for someone though, you allow yourself to not see the inherent flaws in their requests and you start to get excited about the possibilities and maybe if you "help" them, then your great future life will start sooner....not the case. Your smarter self is yelling to you Hinder....I think you should heed it.

[MissBee]

Hinder,

 

My situation is exactly like yours. We are only having LC, but it's driving me crazy and making me anxious. The crumbs from before seem like a feast now. The trouble is your date is so far out... why do they need so much time? If he had left when you did, you would be a whole year down the road together. Now he has an extra year with her and that much more crap added on. I understand having hope too, because ultimately that's what you want.

I don't think there's much of a chance of you not waiting, so I won't go there, but you are going to have some boundaries about contact or it will drive you crazy not hearing from him. The only thing worse than having a married boyfriend is having a married boyfriend you don't hear from, and your situation is different now that you are single. So either you will need no contact while he goes through the process or LC with guidelines so you know he is indeed moving forward.

Your hands are tied because you can't become interested in someone else, plus you wouldn't want to hurt anyone who becomes interested in you. Any time you spend with him delays his process because he's getting the good stuff from you so he maintains his status quo.

 

It's just a matter of waiting a year and then starting over if he doesn't leave (stuff happens, delaying?) or conciously moving forward and telling him you are moving forward and when he is ready, you will see how you feel then. (That's almost impossible because our brains are on high alert for the slot machine like high of being with them).

 

Keep me posted, I need the same advice.

 

I don't think her hands are tied Lemon....I'm sorry...but no one has to wait for anyone. She was busy dating and living her life not waiting for him all this time, she would be foolish to put herself on lock down now for his sake.

 

She should continue exactly as she has been: not waiting, doing her and dating other people. She may find someone she truly falls in love with, who can fall in love with her right now too and give her what she wants while that MM is still if and butting. If that happens, that would be great! Placing all one's eggs in a MM's basket...not smart.

 

One should trust one's self and the Universe that one doesn't need to be unhappy so that one can be...happy? Makes no sense. Someone who really knows what love is and loves you, will not demand that sort of pain and waiting from you....but someone who loves them self more will. No one is your last chance and if you and a MM are meant to be then you should be able to go on with your life...and he find you when all is said and done. But being the martyr patiently waiting...I don't know what that's about.

 

You should probably take the same advice....

[TigerCub]

Hinder,

 

You have everything he wished he had. You had the courage to get out of YOUR unhappy marriage.

You had the drive to go back to school and do better for yourself.

You had the high enough sense of self to walk away and not settle for crumbs.

 

Please, Please don't let him take all that away from you.

 

As you moved on with your life and moved on to better things, he's still in an unhappy M that he finds so unsatisfying he needs to whore around.

 

My advice to you - tell him to contact you when the divorce is final. After that go NC - not LC (Lc allows for little comments, and sweet nothings, and words to build on your fantasy) - basically it allows him a way to weasel back into your life.

 

I still think you shouldn't get too excited (I'm sorry), but that's the deal with MMs they lie and they say whatever it is they think will get them what they want. So don't get too excited, and don't wait for him.

 

Still date other people, still focus on being good to yourself and your kids, still focus on your school and just put a pin on the whole xMM thing. If he gets a divorce - then get excited and see how it goes.

 

Until then, its just a desperate xMM's lie - until he proves it otherwise.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you find your happiness.

I'm really really routing that you don't slip and let him weasel his way back without any changes.

 

stay strong sweets

[Lucky_One]

I'm confused. MM1 or MM2?

 

MM1 = 5 year affair, while you were married “My first MM, I'm completely in love with. We have been seeing each other for almost 4 years. We talk everyday. I want a life with him but he won't leave his wife.”

MM2 = less than 1 year, after you separated “Second MM - is only a relatively new affair and I'm no where near being in love with him, but we're having fun together.”

 

In July, you said that you had "separated" from your H, and that you were thinking of getting back with H, but that you loved your MM and couldn't forget about him but he wouldn't leave his wife, but that you had never had an affair with him because you met him post-separation. So that must have been MM2. “I'm in love with someone else, someone who is emotionally unavailable. Someone who won't leave his wife, even though he says he loves me….I fell in love with this other man after I was separated from my husband. There was no affair from my side. My ex knew about him when we first started seeing each other.”

 

And now you are talking about MM1 again.

 

So which one of these guys is the one that you love so much?

[His4Always]

Why would you want to abandon the man you love at the very time that he needs you the most?

[SBC]

Hinder,

 

My situation is exactly like yours. We are only having LC, but it's driving me crazy and making me anxious. The crumbs from before seem like a feast now. .

 

YOU should not be feeling this, HE should be feeling this.

 

I am not really familiar with your sitch, but if you are single, and he is married --he should be the one feeling like this is driving him nuts, because all he gets more of the same of what he found so unappealing that he felt it was necessary to get away from it by having an affair. You on the other hand have something way better --your freedom.

 

Freedom is what MMs long for --youth, no responsibility to anyone but themselves. The freedom to do what they want when they want.

 

In other words, everything YOU have right now.

 

Philip K. Dick once commented on how difficult life is after you've seen God's face.

 

I would not ever want to be a MM. It has to be hell.

Edited November 14, 2011 by SBC

[SBC]

Why would you want to abandon the man you love at the very time that he needs you the most?

 

There are things in this life that a person just has to do on their own.

[Lucky_One]

Why would you want to abandon the man you love at the very time that he needs you the most?

 

He sure as sh*t abandoned her when she needed him most, didn't he?

 

So with your thinking, that doesn't say much for how much he loves her, now does it?

 

(Althought, granted, she didn't actually leave. She was in the house with her estranged H, and called him her best friend and said they got along great. So I don't think it was nearly as stressful as a "real" separation would be. But that does beg the question - how would OP feel if her MM "separated" but lived at home with his wife and called BS his best friend?)

[spice4life]

If life is good, why would you want to give that up? He needs to do this for him and not yu..it has to be what HE wants. You need to keep living your life as you have been because you have done the hard work all by yourself and now you are being rewarded. Don't give that up...let him prove he is serious before considering such a back slide.

[sp2007]

Hinder,

 

I went back and read your posts from July. Are you are still living in the same house as your husband? I'm thinking that based on what you said then and what you said now that you are still in transition -- trying to separate from your husband and move on with your life, but haven't decided to divorce yet. Is that the case? It also sounds like you have stepped aside from MM during this time. My advice is to continue on as you are. Give yourself the gift of space to sort out your life. Don't let MM's confusion become yours. I wish I could take my own advice. I know it's not easy when you love someone to let go.

[sillychick]

Your best power position, IMO, is to remain exactly where you are. Let HIM feel the need to make this thing happen for fear that he will lose you for good. The more he has of you, the less he will feel the need to push this thing through in a timely fashion, if at all.

 

As a side note, two months just to break the news is only the beginning. Then there's the "she wants us to go to MC to make sure we've given it our all and I HAVE to do that", or "she wants us to postpone this for x amount of time for whatever reason", or "she's threatened to take the kids away and I just can't risk that". Telling her is just the first step. It's far from being over at that point.

 

You're living a good life right now. You don't need to take on his burdens. Let him handle this and when he's gotten far enough in the process for you to feel comfortable, then re-evaluate your position.

 

Do you get excited? Not by a long shot. It will be a difficult road for you if you're involved in this.

 

This!!

 

What he says he wants right now is you. If you get back in the relationship with him, in any capacity, then he has you and there goes the motivation for him to get out of his marriage.

 

He will be cake eating again. Why bother leaving his marriage when he has you? Then he doesn't have to go through all of the hard work, he can remain married and still have you.

 

Even if he's not intentionally lying that's probably what will happen. It's human nature in some ways. People will keep themselves in a situation until it's so painful they must get out. If his marriage is that bad and he wants to be with you that badly, then he will make it happen. By getting back together with him now, just based on promises, you are removing some of that pain and then he will slide back into the same pattern as before.

 

You sound like you have made a lot of progress so why go back on what you have accomplished? On a promise. And like sadintexas has said, 2 months is just the beginning. Who knows what will happen after he breaks the news. Raw emotion is tough to deal with.

 

And if you've read either of my threads you'll see how long and hard it can be (and I'm just getting started) for them to really get out. The guy I was dating was separated, living in his own place when I met him. He just recently has started the divorce process and his life is a complete mess. I have stepped back to protect myself.

 

Don't ride the rollercoaster with him. Let him do what he needs to do.

[MissBee]

Why would you want to abandon the man you love at the very time that he needs you the most?

 

Huh?!

 

Did you miss the part where he has abandoned her? She survived....so will he.

 

Loving someone at the expense of yourself is foolish....especially when they've shown you that they definitely don't love you at the expense of themselves, as he has. You don't win any prizes for suffering for "love".

 

As SBC rightfully pointed out....some things in life we need to do alone. This is one of them. Again, she did it without him and he went on his merry way and told her he wasn't leaving his wife....so why should she be so desperate as to jump the minute he decides he supposedly is ready now?

[Emme]

I don't understand what this issue is with men wanting us women to hold their hands. I mean really. Men claim to be the strongest yet they've never pushed out anything close to 6lbs. I mean seriously.

 

Live your life. Hinder you ran your race. You are at the end, have a seat, put your feet up and enjoy your ice tea. I say don't worry about making plans until he has crossed the finish line. Don't aim to make plans for something that isn't a reality. When it is then begin your process. You wasted enough time catering to his needs. Now you cater to yours and if he chooses to come along for the ride I am sure you will find a seat for him.

[Hinder]

Thanks Everyone for your replies... Nothing like a visit to the LoveShack forums to bring everything back into perspective LOL

 

ok, just to clarify some points.The MM I am referring to in this post is MM1, he has really been the only one. The other MM was a very quick fling & it ended just as quick.

I am no longer living with my Ex. I moved out, have my own wonderful apartment but we still remain friends, yes he is still my best friend & I love him dearly but our marriage is 100% over. We did live together post break-up for almost 12 months, it worked well and was great for helping the kids adjust. He is dating also and seems very happy, and our most important job is raising our kids together. We share custody 50/50.

 

During my break up from husband, MM was there for me. yes it was hard but it was very very amicable. And MM1 did help me A LOT through that break up.

 

At the beginning of our affair neither of us thought about leaving our marriages. We only saw each other every couple of months, and rarely had sex, we fast became very good friends. But I guess over time it became something more. I embraced it, he denied it for a long long time. He acknowledged that he loved me, but I guess being the typical male....it was too hard.

 

I honestly don't know what he has now decided he wants a life with me. It could most definitely be as many of you have described. He see me, out of my unhappy marriage, single, happy, changing my career, dating, enjoying life.

 

Since he dropped this bombshell last week phone calls & text messages have been coming in thick & fast. Some I answer, some I don't.

 

I haven't given him an answer as yet but was thinking along the lines of something like this:

 

MM, I'm really happy that you are decided to make some tough decisions. Nothing about this is going to be easy & I am happy to be here to support you through it as a friend. If we have any chance to be a normal couple you need to take this time to sort out your separation & your life and work out what you want. I've been doing that since we went NC and I'm finally getting myself into a position that I want to be in.

 

Anything else I should be saying?

 

**Thanks again for your replies!

[spice4life]

Thanks Everyone for your replies... Nothing like a visit to the LoveShack forums to bring everything back into perspective LOL

 

ok, just to clarify some points.The MM I am referring to in this post is MM1, he has really been the only one. The other MM was a very quick fling & it ended just as quick.

I am no longer living with my Ex. I moved out, have my own wonderful apartment but we still remain friends, yes he is still my best friend & I love him dearly but our marriage is 100% over. We did live together post break-up for almost 12 months, it worked well and was great for helping the kids adjust. He is dating also and seems very happy, and our most important job is raising our kids together. We share custody 50/50.

 

During my break up from husband, MM was there for me. yes it was hard but it was very very amicable. And MM1 did help me A LOT through that break up.

 

At the beginning of our affair neither of us thought about leaving our marriages. We only saw each other every couple of months, and rarely had sex, we fast became very good friends. But I guess over time it became something more. I embraced it, he denied it for a long long time. He acknowledged that he loved me, but I guess being the typical male....it was too hard.

 

I honestly don't know what he has now decided he wants a life with me. It could most definitely be as many of you have described. He see me, out of my unhappy marriage, single, happy, changing my career, dating, enjoying life.

 

Since he dropped this bombshell last week phone calls & text messages have been coming in thick & fast. Some I answer, some I don't.

 

I haven't given him an answer as yet but was thinking along the lines of something like this:

 

MM, I'm really happy that you are decided to make some tough decisions. Nothing about this is going to be easy & I am happy to be here to support you through it as a friend. If we have any chance to be a normal couple you need to take this time to sort out your separation & your life and work out what you want. I've been doing that since we went NC and I'm finally getting myself into a position that I want to be in.

 

Anything else I should be saying?

 

**Thanks again for your replies!

 

I'm not in your position, but if I were that is what I would say. It sounds perfect. Just remember to keep your boundaries firm and don't let him pull you into the abyss! Continue to live your life as you have been and don't give up your sensibility.

 

I'm very much where you are at emotionally except I haven't started dating yet because I am wrapping up a few loose ends of my own. It's right around the corner though...dating that is. It's a great place to be emotionally and I wish you the best of luck. You deserve it! You handled your transition exceptionally well. Big KUDOS to you hinder!

[spice4life]

Thanks Emme for my laugh today.

 

Ditto!

[Barrsitter]

Do you stick around and help him? Help him do what, exactly? Hold his hand while he stays with his wife?

 

You ask if you should tell him anything else besides what you posted. IMO you've said too much. Guys don't listen to ****. They couldn't care what we say to them. They don't understand anything. All they want is to get laid and not take responsibility for their lives. They have never heard the word "accountability". They are cretins, basically. Just a bunch of turds that should be buried in the backyard.

 

Yeah, so, here's what you say this idiot - Bye Bye, now.

Edited November 15, 2011 by Barrsitter

[Barrsitter]

PS...it isn't their hand they want us to hold....

 

Wake up Hinder, smell the coffee.

[Lemon Drop]

Not having heard from my xMM for daaaaayss, who told me he was lining up the ducks to leave (no kids though, that should go quicker), I'm happy to hear what Barrsitter is saying.

 

I'm not doing this anymore, he could have left a year ago, and now that I'm a year ahead and gotten over the worst, he throws me very few crumbs and I'm supposed to sit around for that? I get better attention at the grocery store from strangers.

 

Don't do it, everyone is right. I'm glad you wrote this though, because it has really helped me too. I'm kicking my own ass right now. Oh, and the holidays are coming up so be prepared to take a double back seat and less crumbs.