After nearly five months, he texts me. My hands are literally shaking.

[HollyHoliday]

I woke up this morning to a text from a phone number I don't have in my phone book. It says, "Hi. I know you said you don't want to ever talk again, but I've just been wondering how you are a lot lately. I understand if you don't reply".

 

I don't even know what to do. Initially I wrote back, "who is this?" because I didn't understand the text, but now I do.

 

We broke up about five months ago, and it completely shattered me. For two months I would cry for hours on end. After that, I kind of saw the light and began to improve. Now, months later, I am doing worlds better and I hadn't been thinking of it as much.

 

Now I get this text. After I realized who it was, my stomach did flips and my hands started shaking. It is like it all came back to me again.

 

This is so unfair. He hasn't responded, so I don't know what to do. Once he does and tells me who it is, I don't know what to do. And I see the pattern starting all over again: dissecting his text to see what he may have implied, looking at the time he sent it to see if it means anything...this is horrible. This is just so unfair

[broken-and-lost]

really sorry to hear that it's not nice when your trying to heal to get something like that it's a selfish act on him part if he dumped you to then contact you like this.

 

He may have not responded because he thought you were being funny saying who is this.

 

Sorry can't really give you any advice on his thinking apart from small part misses you which is natural

[Thieves]

Holly, I know you're freaking out right now and it's hard to think straight, but first, do yourself a big favor and just take a few deep breaths, okay? Most of the time when we freak out like this is because it's out of fear, more specifically, the fear of losing control again. But you must learn to relax now and know that you do have some type of control over what happens from here. Also, because you were and still are improving and doing worlds better than before, you know now that you can pull yourself back up no matter how bad things may seem. You're beginning to realize that the pain does not last forever.

 

Try not to make this out to be bigger than it might be. One text is too little too soon to really see why he actually contacted you. It could be just what he says, which is that he wanted to see how you are. No more and no less, some people simply get curious (as hard as it is to believe). Personally, I've found that for something like this, it's better to take things at face value first. When you start getting deep into looking for 'signs' or hidden 'reasons' for why he said things, it just puts more of the burden on you and causes you unnecessary confusion.

 

You have the choice to reply to the text, or to not reply. If you think you are not ready to be on speaking terms with him or if you don't want to break no contact, then don't. I recommend this the most because you're doing so well now, and would it really be worth it to possibly mess it up? If you reply, you'll have to accept the fact that it could set you back and that you'll have to take the time to pull yourself back up again.

Edited November 14, 2011 by Thieves

[norajane]

Can you block that number so he can't contact you again?

 

Or do you want him to?

[betterdeal]

Last time I was shaking was in Nepal. I was in a 4x4 being driven along mountain roads with no barriers, sheer cliff drops with plenty of burnt out vehicles at the bottom and the driver was constantly texting. I bellowed at him to stop doing that, and when he did and stopped the car, that's when I started shaking uncontrollably.

 

You've been waiting for this text for a while now (that's why you kept your number) and now you have it you are shaking. Says something, doesn't it? This is your instinct telling you this is extremely bad for you.

 

Change your phone number. Call your provider and ask them to change it. It takes a couple of hours and is free for preventing nuisance calls. It was the best, most satisfying thing I did in February this year.

[HollyHoliday]

I moved 1,000 miles away since we broke up, and he doesn't know that. There isn't really room for any type of reconciliation. And I don't want to be his friend. There just isn't any point.

 

He finally responded with his name. I took a lot of deep breaths and threw my phone across the room. I wanted to give myself the time to make sure whatever I said was the right decision. A lot went through my mind, and to be honest I am surprised at my train of thought right now.

 

We aren't right for each other. I know that. He is just completely wrong for me, and the reality of he is as a person is something that will NEVER change, and I will never accept. I will take this text for face value. I am going to reply, "A lot has changed. I'm doing fine, and I hope you are too". Because you know what? I do hope he is doing fine. I hope that he is able to move past his demons and be a better person. But that is all I want. I don't want to know what is going on in his life, or anything like that. I don't want him as a friend. He doesn't deserve that.

 

I hope, and fully expect him to just reply with a "thank you" or something. I don't want a conversation. I just want to continue moving on and working on myself as an individual.

 

I have come to realize that there is a very, very big reason that I was able to have the "epiphany" that I had three months ago. I still think about the whole situation a lot because a lot of very hurtful things happened, but I need to remind myself that those are all signs of why it would of NEVER worked. I put up with a lot because I thought I had to give him a chance. We aren't together anymore, and we aren't even friends. There is no reason why I should give him a chance now.

 

Now I am second guessing myself a bit. I don't think I will say that I wish he is doing well too. It just isn't really my place to say that anymore. I don't want him to think that everything he did was okay.

[Thieves]

You wishing him well, in my opinion, isn't really condoning everything he did or saying that it's okay. Because of what happened with you two, that you broke up, and the fact that you haven't spoken in a long time should be enough evidence that he obviously made some mistakes while he was with you.

 

If you don't want a conversation, maybe you should add that onto the text. You wish him well, but at the same time feel it's best for you two not to talk anymore? Otherwise he might think you're alright with him contacting you..

[HollyHoliday]

Last time I was shaking was in Nepal. I was in a 4x4 being driven along mountain roads with no barriers, sheer cliff drops with plenty of burnt out vehicles at the bottom and the driver was constantly texting. I bellowed at him to stop doing that, and when he did and stopped the car, that's when I started shaking uncontrollably.

 

You've been waiting for this text for a while now (that's why you kept your number) and now you have it you are shaking. Says something, doesn't it? This is your instinct telling you this is extremely bad for you.

 

Change your phone number. Call your provider and ask them to change it. It takes a couple of hours and is free for preventing nuisance calls. It was the best, most satisfying thing I did in February this year.

 

 

Thanks, Betterdeal. I was actually planning on changing my number when I move to San Diego next year so I could have a local area code, but I wasn't really waiting for this text. Was I for the first two months? Yes. But when we broke up I specifically said that I knew it was right for us to never talk again, and I preferred if we stuck to no contact. I never contacted him after that. Not once.

 

I freaked out for about three minutes, and that is when reality sunk in. He isn't a noble person. I don't even know if I could say he is a good person. He is likely lonely, or looking for an ego boost. But I am not going to give him that. I am going to be boring, and just reply with "I'm doing fine.". There isn't anything else to say.

[HollyHoliday]

I haven't texted back yet. And I know why. This is what I SHOULD say.

 

"I'm doing fine, thanks. And I hope you are too. I'm sorry, but I meant what I said. I am just not interested in keeping contact with you".

 

But I am not because I am still holding on to that sliver of hope. That hope that someone who rejected me still wants me. But what could realistically happen? Nothing. Nothing.

 

It is just that I had so many regrets over everything that happened, and I am scared to make another mistake. This hurts, and I just don't know if sending that text is the right decision.

[HollyHoliday]

Ugh. Okay. This is what I said.

 

"Hi. I'd doing fine. And I hope you are too. I'm sorry, but I meant what I said. I am just not interested in being in contact with you. There isn't a point".

 

That is that. I fully expect, "Okay, I won't bother you again" or "I'm sorry you feel that way". Something where he doesn't take responsibility for anything. Because he never did. He will rationalize it that I am the one with the problem, not him. That he is better than me. That there is no reason that I should act that way.

 

But there are a million reasons. I just had to let all of the painful things in my mind resurface in order to remind myself that I have every right to act that way.

 

It is done. I hope he just doesn't reply at all.

 

Wow...I can't believe I did that! I've come so far. No one has the right to treat me that way and expect my acknowledgment!!!!

[stunned8165]

The Saboteurs: These low self-esteem sufferers feel they have the ability and skills to be successful in their jobs and devote the majority of their time and energy into making that happen. Success brings them a modicum of satisfaction and feelings of adequacy as long as they remain in the job or position from which they get praise and/or respect and reward from co-workers and supervisors. Tending to gravitate where they feel best about themselves, work becomes a form of SELF-sabotage in their marriage or relationship , as they place work before family or social arenas in which they feel less adequate. Saboteurs often don't know how to make time for their personal life then ignore and neglect those who are in their lives and family who love and need them.

[stunned8165]

I dated a girl for three years who has two young children who just turned 4 and 5 in August. They have no dad in their lives. I am the only Dad they know. I raised them for three years like they were my own, my family adopted them in as if she was my wife and those were my children, I paid the bills when we decided to live together in my home, great area, grade a schools, did 90% of the laundry, took care of the cars, yard, helped cleaned the house and even taught the 5 year old girl how to write her name before kindergarten. The children were from two different fathers. She's 35 years old and I was good to her. But what does she do?.. She cheats on me with her boss. Leaves me for him. A real creep to because he does this to all the girls that work for him.. Nice huh? Is the grass always greener on the other side?... Well, you and I both know how that will turn out... I do believe the self esteem played a major roll because all she cared about was that job in a sandwich shop. Read my original post including the one where " I told her off".. It all makes sense

 

 

 

 

 

The Saboteurs: These low self-esteem sufferers feel they have the ability and skills to be successful in their jobs and devote the majority of their time and energy into making that happen. Success brings them a modicum of satisfaction and feelings of adequacy as long as they remain in the job or position from which they get praise and/or respect and reward from co-workers and supervisors. Tending to gravitate where they feel best about themselves, work becomes a form of SELF-sabotage in their marriage or relationship , as they place work before family or social arenas in which they feel less adequate. Saboteurs often don't know how to make time for their personal life then ignore and neglect those who are in their lives and family who love and need them.

[stunned8165]

sorry.. Having technical difficulties here. didn't mean for all that to post on here Holly..

[HollyHoliday]

His response:

 

I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I understand. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to contact me if that ever changes. Goodbye.

 

I deleted the text so that it won't show up in my phone. You can't just do things like he did to a person and expect them to want anything to do with you ever again. I won't have to hesitate, because there is never going to be a time when I feel he deserves my company. At first I felt like "the ball is now in my court", but you know what? It isn't. Because I just took that ball and threw it out of bounds. It is DONE!

[sunflower11]

Sorry Holly, I tried going back to some of your previous posts to understand some more of your story..but all I got was that you had a pretty bad break up. Is it anger that you still have against him? I'm not sure what it is he did to you..but I hope that when and if my ex ever texts me I'll be able to do what you did proud of you

[norajane]

Good for you, Holly. You've obviously come a long way in your healing process. I'm glad that you feel strong and were able to do what you needed to do for your own well-being.

[betterdeal]

His response:

 

I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I understand. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to contact me if that ever changes. Goodbye.

 

I deleted the text so that it won't show up in my phone. You can't just do things like he did to a person and expect them to want anything to do with you ever again. I won't have to hesitate, because there is never going to be a time when I feel he deserves my company. At first I felt like "the ball is now in my court", but you know what? It isn't. Because I just took that ball and threw it out of bounds. It is DONE!

 

That's the spirit! Change your number, get that local area code, and put this chapter behind you. Thank your guts for showing you the way. Taking decisive action, being assertive and sure of yourself is what is going to take you forward.

 

You're going to be fine

[ShannonMI]

I woke up this morning to a text from a phone number I don't have in my phone book. It says, "Hi. I know you said you don't want to ever talk again, but I've just been wondering how you are a lot lately. I understand if you don't reply".

 

I don't even know what to do. Initially I wrote back, "who is this?" because I didn't understand the text, but now I do.

 

We broke up about five months ago, and it completely shattered me. For two months I would cry for hours on end. After that, I kind of saw the light and began to improve. Now, months later, I am doing worlds better and I hadn't been thinking of it as much.

 

Now I get this text. After I realized who it was, my stomach did flips and my hands started shaking. It is like it all came back to me again.

 

This is so unfair. He hasn't responded, so I don't know what to do. Once he does and tells me who it is, I don't know what to do. And I see the pattern starting all over again: dissecting his text to see what he may have implied, looking at the time he sent it to see if it means anything...this is horrible. This is just so unfair

Sounds EXACTLY like what my ex text me. Almost word for word. Even down to the "you don't have to reply, but just know you can if you want to." Ugh I was so annoyed when I got that text. I did not reply and did not reply to any of his other texts through out the months.

 

Wait till you run into your ex for the first time. That was me this weekend. It threw me right back into emotional turmoil. Thank God it only lasted 24 hours. I'm OK now. I've come a long way and I'm so glad I bounced back.

 

Don't send him anymore texts. It's not worth it. Make them suffer with silence.

[ShannonMI]

That's the spirit! Change your number, get that local area code, and put this chapter behind you. Thank your guts for showing you the way. Taking decisive action, being assertive and sure of yourself is what is going to take you forward.

 

You're going to be fine

Change your number. Good advice. That's what I did. I'm sure I'd still be getting random messages from the prick a year and half later if I hadn't. Gotta take care of yourself. F*ck the exes.

[HollyHoliday]

Thanks guys I think it is hard because I am still dealing with the whole, "Will I ever find someone else again that I can be attracted to? That will love me?". So that is why it is a little hard, but I know tomorrow when I wake up and realize that it is for the best that I will feel better.

 

I just don't understand why he still had my number, since I said I was deleting his. Or why he would message me now, and try to keep the situation open by saying I could contact him whenever I wanted. Why not just close the situation and move on? As usual with him, I am left with a lot of unanswered questions. But it is for the best.

[ShannonMI]

Thanks guys I think it is hard because I am still dealing with the whole, "Will I ever find someone else again that I can be attracted to? That will love me?". So that is why it is a little hard, but I know tomorrow when I wake up and realize that it is for the best that I will feel better.

 

I just don't understand why he still had my number, since I said I was deleting his. Or why he would message me now, and try to keep the situation open by saying I could contact him whenever I wanted. Why not just close the situation and move on? As usual with him, I am left with a lot of unanswered questions. But it is for the best.

You will find someone else. And you will find them attractive. Possibly even more attractive then your ex. I thought I'd never find someone else and I did. I'm not with anyone now, but I've dated and had some good experiences.

 

He still has your number because he wants to contact you whenever he feels the need. My ex was the same way. He won't leave the situation alone because he is guilt ridden. I don't know how things ended with you and your ex, but his contacting you could be because of his guilt. He wants to make sure you are OK. Not for you, but for HIM. HIS own peace of mind. When my ex contacted me, I would never reply. Let him wonder how I am. I'm not easing his guilt.

[HollyHoliday]

Thanks Shannon, the guilt and everything had a lot to do with it. At the time, I was incredibly stressed out already because I had to make a lot of important decisions in a short period of time, and when I needed him the most he just wasn't there. Most of those decisions were life changing, so he likely wanted to know how they turned out.

 

But let him wonder. Because he won't ever find out, and it just isn't his business anymore.

[ShannonMI]

Thanks Shannon, the guilt and everything had a lot to do with it. At the time, I was incredibly stressed out already because I had to make a lot of important decisions in a short period of time, and when I needed him the most he just wasn't there. Most of those decisions were life changing, so he likely wanted to know how they turned out.

 

But let him wonder. Because he won't ever find out, and it just isn't his business anymore.

Very true. That's what I said about my ex. My well being and state of mind is not a concern of his anymore. He's got a new girlfriend to worry about. Leave me be. The guilt must eat at them. I know it would me. Allowing them to stew in their guilt is the best thing to do. I feel very "in control" over the situation now. While he's desperately trying to make contact and feeling guilt ridden, I'm sitting back ignoring him thinking he's a pathetic @sshole. It feels good to be honest.

 

Changing your number may be the best way to go. And your email as well. That way he can't contact you in any way.

[HollyHoliday]

I still feel pretty sad today. I'm surprised by it, but I am doing what I can to pull myself out of my funk. It just really set me back a lot.

 

So many bad things happened between us in the end, and it just amazes me how he thinks he has the right to contact me. Its incredibly unfair. I am going out of town next week so hopefully it takes my mind off of it. I've been really lonely lately and in a transitional phase (just moved back in with my parents and just graduated), so it is hard enough. I haven't cried though. Thankfully.

[betterdeal]

You're going to be fine. You were upset by this contact, and that's all you need to know. Contact with him upsets you.