A little confused

[sportsloving]

While she p!ssed me off for cancelling on me at the last frigging minute,

 

But she cancelled the night before, so it wasn't last minute. She text messaged you (still think a call was more appropriate but what do I know) and then followed up with another. Perhaps she was wanting you to call her and find out what was going on ... or to suggest another time.

 

But you didn't, you played it cool and indifferent; then posted and ranted about how she was playing you, was a liar, and some other not so nice things. So if you feel that way about her, what difference does it make if she ever talks to you again?

 

If she had been a little more explicit and suggested an alternative plan at a later time, I wouldn't have reached this conclusion.

 

Didn't really give her any chance to do either now did ya?

 

You were pretty peeved off on the forums for her cancellation, did you show that reaction at work? I personally think you read way to much into the whole thing and didn't take any time at all to find out what was really going on with her. But that is just my opinion.

[amerikajin]

Didn't really give her any chance to do either now did ya?

 

I've done nothing to prevent her from giving me an explanation. As you said, she could have picked up the phone and called, or she could have approached me at work. When I saw her I wasn't exactly jumping at the bit to talk to her, but I don't think I have been rude or otherwise unapproachable. The bottom line is she just sent me a very brief message saying she couldn't make it because she had some problem with her apartment. Very vague.

 

Why do I have to be the one to call her and ask her for an explanation? I took the risk in asking her out. All she had to do was accept or decline. She accepted, and I expected her to be there. If she couldn't make it, she owed me an explanation, and I think she owed me the courtesy of at least scheduling me another date or telling me that she changed her mind and isn't interested in meeting for lunch.

 

Jesus, is a little courtesy too much to ask? All I wanted was a casual get together to get to know her better, but instead I get dissed.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by amerikajin

She sent me a text message at 11:30 to tell me she couldn't make it to lunch tomorrow because of a "problem with (her) apartment".

 

What a f_cked up lying cunt. She's so f_cking full of s*** her eyes are brown.

 

I don't want to hear anymore s*** from any b!tches on this forum about my dating two or three women at a time. That's exactly why. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, ya know?

 

Message to all you guys out there. Play the field. Screw a woman's feelings.

 

F_ck yes, I'm p!ssed. I have every right to be. If there's one thing I don't like, it's being played for a sucker.

 

Although your above temper tantrum was a few days ago, I feel like commenting.

 

If this is the way you react when things don't go your way, I feel sorry for you. Based on the foul words you wrote about her, and the accusations you made about her (totally unfounded I might add, about her being a liar, etc), it would seem you have some really deep-seated issues about women, a huge chip on your shoulder. You might want to speak to a counsellor or therapist about this, hey?

 

Your reaction here is pretty disproportionate to what actually took place, I think. You admitted you weren't looking for anything serious at this time, so what's the big deal? You mean to tell me you have NEVER cancelled out on a woman the day before? Of course you have. Everyone's done it for one reason or another.

 

And we don't even know for sure if she did that. You just chose to jump to really nasty conclusions, without much fact.

 

Maybe her toilet backed up and she was going to have to get a plumber in the next day, on her lunch hour. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable texting you, "Hi ____. My toilet backed up and there's sh*t all over the floor, I've got to deal with this tomorrow on my lunch break, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cancel our lunch plans."

 

???

 

Maybe she assumed you'd text or call her back asking more about what the problem was...maybe even ask if there was anything you could do to help.

 

Or maybe she's one of those people who doesn't feel comfortable dating people from the workplace. Tons of people feel that way, for THIS very reason...because when things don't work out, it's usually tense and awkward and can make for an uncomforable work environment. Maybe she just didn't know how to tell you this.

 

She didn't cancel out on you at the last minute......maybe the "problem" with her apartment only happened that late at night, 11:30pm)...and she felt it too late to phone you (most people wouldn't call someone up that late at night).

 

Maybe she didn't suggest a "make up date" because she felt so bad for having to cancel on you and she felt stupid and awkward.

 

There's a lot of "maybes" here. But you chose to react with rage and hatred and contempt. I wonder why.

[amerikajin]

Maybe you missed the subsequent posts in which I admitted to being a little overheated in the heat of the moment. Using your example, haven't you ever been really p.o.'d after someone cancelled on you? Maybe I just had a bad day, and maybe that was not the news I wanted to hear at the moment. Capeesh?

 

Look, I didn't actually say those words to her; I was venting. The only thing I did or said was to sent her a text back to her saying "Got it (her message). No worries. C U on Friday." That's it. Nothing else. I've met her a few times since and from what I can tell, it's a tad awkward but basically it's all good. She still smiles and waives at me whenever she sees me (just being friendly, I know).

 

Let's face it. The chicks reading this are getting defensive because you know I'm cutting right through the bulls*** and I'm calling it exactly what it is. It's a cancellation. I got shafted. Period. End of discussion. I have no problem getting rejected, but don't friggin jerk me around and expect to be let off the hook. It's not like I've gotten nasty with her either. I know guys who have absolutely no compunction about laying down the law with women who do this and cursing them out about it. I don't do that, because I feel that doing so isn't very classy. My attitude is to simply take the high road, which is what I've done.

 

Deep in your heart.....you know I'm right.

[befuddled11]

Deep in my heart I think you're right? Sorry, incorrect. Deep in my heart I think you have huge issues with self esteem and exaggerated perceptions of being rejected, even when it's not proven that you've BEEN rejected.

 

It matters little that you didn't wig out on her and call her the foul names you wrote here:

 

"What a f_cked up lying cunt. She's so f_cking full of s*** her eyes are brown."

 

What matters is that you obviously felt such immediate rage and ugliness that you resorted to writing down that you felt she was an f'd up lying c*nt. To call a woman a c*nt is about as low as a guy can go, whether he says it, writes it, or thinks it. To me, it's a sure sign of a guy who's got little respect for women, when push comes to shove.

 

You seem to have this sense of entitlement, that this woman owed you something. She owed you nothing. You didn't save her from a burning building, you didn't donate to her your left kidney, you didn't push her out of the way of a fast moving car.

 

So big deal, you casually asked her out for lunch, she accepted but then told you she couldn't go. Did she stand you up? No. Did she leave you sitting like a dork at some restaurant while you repeatedly checked your watch and wondered where she was? No. For whatever reason, she had to cancel. That is her preorgative, that is anyone's prerogative. Somtimes life gets in the way of plans we've made. Sometimes people change their mind. Sometimes people feel put on the spot when asked out and they agree because they don't know how to say "no." Sometimes people actually have urgent things that come up (like with problems in her apartment) that make them unfortunately unavailable. You labelled this poor woman as a lying sack of sh*t and you've had not one shred of proof to substantiate this.

 

Let's face it. The chicks reading this are getting defensive because you know I'm cutting right through the bulls*** and I'm calling it exactly what it is. It's a cancellation. I got shafted. Period. End of discussion. I have no problem getting rejected, but don't friggin jerk me around and expect to be let off the hook.

 

Oh My God...yes, it *is* a cardinal sin if someone has to (shudder) cancel their plans. Yes, you should take that incredibly personally (shaking head). Come on, dude?! This attitude is really insane and somewhat scary. Do you somehow think you're "all that" and *above* having someone cancel on you? Is that what this is about? If so, I've got news for you.

 

How did she jerk you around, for crying out loud? Something (very likely very legitimate) came up and she had to cancel. If you choose to take it so personally and like some kind of evil-hearted attack against you as a man, then that's your choice and your problem. It's not hers.

 

Let me ask you this........when you read posts here by women who post, all upset because the guy they met at the club who said he'd call but didn't, do you chime in with such contempt for these men who tell bold faced lies?

 

Do you chime in with support to the many women here who post about having met a guy, she slept with him and he said he'd call her the next day only she's never heard from him again? Or does this "being suckered" only apply to men who perceive they've been dissed by women?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by amerikajin

I have a friend who's dating five women right now - and they all believe they're his girlfriend.

 

Right now, he's my idol.

 

In a few posts here, you're adamant in expressing just how angered you are about being played and "suckered"..yet above, you're glorifying a friend who's playing and suckering 5 different women into believing that each of them is his girlfriend, and obviously the only woman he's with.

 

Can we say hypocrite? Contradictory? Ironic? Yeah, I knew you could.

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Maybe you missed the subsequent posts in which I admitted to being a little overheated in the heat of the moment. Using your example, haven't you ever been really p.o.'d after someone cancelled on you? Maybe I just had a bad day, and maybe that was not the news I wanted to hear at the moment. Capeesh?

 

Look, I didn't actually say those words to her; I was venting. The only thing I did or said was to sent her a text back to her saying "Got it (her message). No worries. C U on Friday." That's it. Nothing else. I've met her a few times since and from what I can tell, it's a tad awkward but basically it's all good. She still smiles and waives at me whenever she sees me (just being friendly, I know).

 

Let's face it. The chicks reading this are getting defensive because you know I'm cutting right through the bulls*** and I'm calling it exactly what it is. It's a cancellation. I got shafted. Period. End of discussion. I have no problem getting rejected, but don't friggin jerk me around and expect to be let off the hook. It's not like I've gotten nasty with her either. I know guys who have absolutely no compunction about laying down the law with women who do this and cursing them out about it. I don't do that, because I feel that doing so isn't very classy. My attitude is to simply take the high road, which is what I've done.

 

Deep in your heart.....you know I'm right.

 

You aren't cutting through any BS. You are falling victim to the thing that causes people to become bitter, angry, disrespectful and to miss out having some really good people in their lives. You automatically took the defensive because she cancelled a date you weren't even into. You suspected the worse instead of even communicating with her. You reacted with negativity instead of being positive. Hey, who's to say she was about some BS by canceling the date? Just last week I discovered that my ceiling was leaking at 11:30pm. If I had plans with someone the next day, I would have cancelled and in doing so I would HOPE that they wouldn't assume that I'm some b_tch because I did it. If she was in the midst of a situation with her apartment, whose to say that she'd even know when she'd be able to get together for sure. The plumber doesn't exactly email you his calendar for the next millinium ya know. So if I texted the guy to say I couldn't make it (due to the late hour) I would think it nice of him to call me to see if everything was ok - thereby creating an opportunity for more discussion. But because you immediately jumped to the negative it never got that far. You sent her a text message basically saying "whatever" like it didn't matter so why should she discuss it further with you?

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you automatically assume the worst, you get the worst results. You won't ever get positive results because taint the situation. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Had you done that - and had your reaction to her shown that -- even if she canceled because you guys work together she would have thought you approachable enough at that point to discuss it with you and you would be searching for a way to smooth it over now. See what I mean? Just a thought. Good luck though.

[amerikajin]

So if I texted the guy to say I couldn't make it (due to the late hour) I would think it nice of him to call me to see if everything was ok - thereby creating an opportunity for more discussion. But because you immediately jumped to the negative it never got that far. You sent her a text message basically saying "whatever" like it didn't matter so why should she discuss it further with you?

 

And if someone texted me cancelling a date just before I went to sleep on the eve of that date I would think that was a bit rude. She's not a shy girl at all. If she were interested, she would have proposed another time, or at least that possibility. She didn't. She just said "Like, sorry, can't make it. Out."

 

The guys reading this know exactly what I'm talking about here. You do too, except my guess is since you've done it before yourself, you don't like the fact that I'm calling it exactly what it is. This is how some people feel when they get burnt. And may I remind you, that was a reaction in the heat of the moment. I was bent. That, too, happens. I look forward to meeting someone and they just pull out at the last minute, yeah, I'm going to vent a little frustration. Something wrong with that?

[amerikajin]

Give people the benefit of the doubt. Had you done that - and had your reaction to her shown that -- even if she canceled because you guys work together she would have thought you approachable enough at that point to discuss it with you and you would be searching for a way to smooth it over now. See what I mean? Just a thought. Good luck though.

 

No, I don't just give people the benefit of the doubt when my emotions are involved. Doing that only gets me burned. I don't judge people by what they say; I judge by what they do. Anyone can come up with a lame ass excuse as to why they can't go out on a date. In my experience, it's really quite simple: the people who've always wanted to go out on a date with me have found ways to make that pretty clear to me. If they like me, they accept a date; if they're busy one night, they ask me about my availability or propose another; if they cancel, they come up with an explanation (and try to talk to me in person or over the phone) and they propose another time. I judge people by their actions, not their words. Me call her so we can discuss it and smooth it over??? LOL! Honey, talk is cheap.

 

I know I'm being a hard ass, but I think a person has to be to be in the dating game. Whether a man or a woman, you can't ever let someone jerk you around. You can't ever tolerate disregard for your feelings. Just look at all of the stories in the breakup, adultery or abuse sections about how many people have gone through heartache because they never stood up for themselves and laid down the law with someone at the start of a relationship. How many girls are with their abusive or adulterous husbands because he somehow sweet talked his way back into her good graces? Yeah, they said all the right things, but their actions didn't match their words. That's what I'm saying here. I can't tolerate disrespect, and I judge people by what they do, not what they say. I had the courage to ask this woman out on a date. Her actions basically told me "I really don't give a flying f>ck what other plans you could have had today, I'm just gonna bail out on you dude. Like, sorry or something." If that's the kind of crap you put up with, that's your prerogative. But f_ck that. I have too much pride and self-respect.

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Give people the benefit of the doubt. Had you done that - and had your reaction to her shown that -- even if she canceled because you guys work together she would have thought you approachable enough at that point to discuss it with you and you would be searching for a way to smooth it over now. See what I mean? Just a thought. Good luck though.

 

No, I don't just give people the benefit of the doubt when my emotions are involved. Doing that only gets me burned. I don't judge people by what they say; I judge by what they do. Anyone can come up with a lame ass excuse as to why they can't go out on a date. In my experience, it's really quite simple: the people who've always wanted to go out on a date with me have found ways to make that pretty clear to me. If they like me, they accept a date; if they're busy one night, they ask me about my availability or propose another; if they cancel, they come up with an explanation (and try to talk to me in person or over the phone) and they propose another time. I judge people by their actions, not their words. Me call her so we can discuss it and smooth it over??? LOL! Honey, talk is cheap.

 

I know I'm being a hard ass, but I think a person has to be to be in the dating game. Whether a man or a woman, you can't ever let someone jerk you around. You can't ever tolerate disregard for your feelings. Just look at all of the stories in the breakup, adultery or abuse sections about how many people have gone through heartache because they never stood up for themselves and laid down the law with someone at the start of a relationship. How many girls are with their abusive or adulterous husbands because he somehow sweet talked his way back into her good graces? Yeah, they said all the right things, but their actions didn't match their words. That's what I'm saying here. I can't tolerate disrespect, and I judge people by what they do, not what they say. I had the courage to ask this woman out on a date. Her actions basically told me "I really don't give a flying f>ck what other plans you could have had today, I'm just gonna bail out on you dude. Like, sorry or something." If that's the kind of crap you put up with, that's your prerogative. But f_ck that. I have too much pride and self-respect.

 

all I'm saying is that you don't know everything. I think it's a mistake to cinsistantly think the worst of people, pre-classify their actions, responses and the like without even having a discussin with them. communication is so important. Everything is not black and white, people react in their own way for their own reasons so it's unfair to attempt to floke them up and put their actions in one nice little box.

 

 

I'm not talking about being walked on or taken for granted. I'm talking about opening up your heart to people. You said you jedge people by their actions not their words when you don't even know her well enough to know what her actions mean??? Plus she only made one action. Should the sum of who you are be based upon one action? If so, what if that action was the rant you posted before. Is that how you'd want to be judged? No because several days later you clarified and we understand that you are more than that.

 

This situation was not about adulterous husbands sweet talking their wifes...it's about a girl you wanted to take out, letting you know that she couldn't go. She texted you because it was late more than likely. I wouldn't call a person that time of night. And it's not about calling her to smooth it over. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey got your text message. Sorry about your trouble. I hope everything is ok. " and from there you would be able to hear if there was any BS going on. communicating doesn't mean you are being taken advantage of, but at least you have some context upon which to make a decision.

 

You said that this girl is really nice. You don't believe her to be an a-hole, so why are you so quick to assume the worst about her? Plus you keep saying she texted you the day of, but it was really the day before right? If I were her I'd think that you really weren't that interested in going out with her anyway.

 

Dating will be a horribly negative experience if you just get mad and shut down when people don't act or react exactly the way you think they should in every situation. Things happen, life is not perfect...and no, I'm not saying that because I've done anything inconsiderate as you alluded to in your previous posts. There you go classifying people again. ;-) I would hope that one day you realize that we don't know EVERYTHING. I'm one day I'm sure you will. Good luck.

[Fritz]

Bah, move on. I understand the feeling but its not worth wasting much time on it or her especially since she works with you. In this day and age many people are lazy and take the easy impersonal way out using email or txt messages instead of even the phone.

 

As for chivalry its dead and should be for the most part, at least when it comes to who buys on dates. I'm all for the gal paying or dutch, especially if its a first date. Now if she insists on paying that might say she isn't interested but one can usually tell from other actions besides that. Generally, I go by whoever asked for the date should pay for it.

[amerikajin]

Befuddled,

 

I hate to admit this, but I think you may have been right. I think I overreacted because of some sort of nagging issue with my own self-esteem. I've been going over and over in my mind why I reacted so viscerally that night.

 

What's funny is that I don't consciously have self-esteem problems. I'm not mopey, asking myself "Why am I some kind of loser?" I don't think that way about myself at all.

 

But like most people, there are times when I wonder if I'm ever going to get it right when it comes to relationships. I'm guessing most of us here have had those moments when we wonder if we're ever going to find that special person or that special relationship. I think that normally dormant frustration erupted the other night, in the form of that outburst you see displayed on your screen.

 

What's even funnier, I normally wouldn't give a girl much thought after her cancelling me like that. But for some reason I don't want to forget about her. She's a nice person, regardless of whatever else comes out of our relationship (whether it's just casual acquaintances or something more than that). I don't obsess about her (honestly, I don't -- I've already got a couple of other girls I'm interested in). But she's so nice. She has an adorable smile and personality. I guess that might have been part of the sting. I didn't expect that tactic from her.

 

Oh well...whatever. I think I'm over it. Thanks to all for trying to help straighten me out.

[FreeMe]

amerikajin,

 

I think it's really great that you put the thought into what people said here and really analyzed yourself and realized there might be something more to your reaction. And it's very cool of you to write here and admit that. I think that makes up for your use of the "C" word.

 

To be honest, having read other posts of yours, I was very surprised at some of the things you had written. To me, they didn't sound like you at all!

 

I'm glad you're feeling better about it. You're right, us single folks often have those fears about how we never seem to "get it right". We not only start to build up anger and hurt and learn to distrust people, we also beat ourselves up for it and think we just can't seem to make a relationship work - it must be us. I'm going through it now with my boyfriend who I thought was finally the one that was going to work. Talk about bad reactions - I'm not dealing with his moving out well at all - he probably thinks I'm a nut.

 

It happens to the best of us.

[amerikajin]

I feel bad for my outburst here. I never said a peep to her about it, but I feel guilty anyway. She's a nice girl... she didn't deserve that from me.