Update............

[UofLCards]

Hey guys.

 

Thought I would come back and share my story since it's been awhile since I have been here last. For those that remember (probably don't) I was in a bad situation with my SO. We have 3 kids together and she was hooked on drugs and alcohol very badly. She had gotten 2 DUI's and was cheating on me with another man. She was bringing this man into our house while I was at work and sometimes he was still there with her when I got home from work. Things were really bad.

 

After not being able to deal with her and her situation anymore I left and got custody of my 3 children. I have had custody for close to a year now. Just recently we started meeting my kids mother (my ex SO) on the weekends to let her spend time with the kids since I have full custody without her having any unsupervised visits. This was just a agreement we worked out between me and her for her to see the kids. Since I have been meeting with her and letting her see the kids she has expressed over and over that she still is in love with me and wants to work on us. She says she will do anything if I give her a second chance and she will not doing anything to mess up our relationship if I did give her that second chance.

 

Me personally I am starting to (or have always had) feelings for her again. I hate it that it is happening, thinking back, because of all the things she put me through in the past and all the lies, cheating and pain she caused me.

 

I don't know what to do in my situation. Don't know if I should give her another chance at trying to work on us, our family or just realize that she will never change and is not the one for me. I have told her over and over that if I ever did actually give her that second chance that it would have to be a long time from now and she would have to show me that she is changed and I won't be hurt again nor our children.

 

What do I do in my situation?

[jstobo]

Have you seen any significant changes so far? How long has she been truly alone? If she recently ended a relationship, I would not give her a second chance at this time. If she has truly been alone for a while, that would be different.

[GorillaTheater]

I have told her over and over that if I ever did actually give her that second chance that it would have to be a long time from now and she would have to show me that she is changed and I won't be hurt again nor our children.

 

What do I do in my situation?

 

I don't think I'd consider reconciliation if it was me, but it's not. If you're considering it, I'd go with what you've written above. Take all the time in the world. Assure yourself that she has truly cleaned up her act, and has a full understanding of why she did the things that she did and is genuinely remorseful of the pain she caused you and the kids.

 

If she really wants to reconcile, and is not just looking for a quick fix to whatever crappy situation she finds herself in due to her crappy choices, she'll wait while you figure it out.

[confused kitty]

Is she still hooked on drugs and alcohol??? If she is then she will always put these above both you and your children.

 

Make sure shes clean, and has been for 6months minimum if not a year, before even thinking of giving this woman a second chance

[speedster]

is she actively participating in counseling? AA/NA is fine for support but addicts need 1:1 psychotherapy as well. i would not even consider reconnecting unless she has been sober for a year or so and under the active care of a psych. actually, even then i'd probably just stick with the supervised visits.

[UofLCards]

She has mentioned us dating and taking it slow to show me that she has changed. She said she is willing to wait as long as possible until I'm ready to give her another chance. My question is if we did start dating and trying to be a family again could it have any negative effects on my custody in the future if say things didn't work out between us?

[findingnemo]

She has mentioned us dating and taking it slow to show me that she has changed. She said she is willing to wait as long as possible until I'm ready to give her another chance. My question is if we did start dating and trying to be a family again could it have any negative effects on my custody in the future if say things didn't work out between us?

 

Will dating your ex affect standing custody orders? I doubt it.however, it will affect your kids who will be ecstatic that Mum and Dad are back together only to be disappointed AGAIN should things go wrong.

 

How long has she been sober? Apart from being willing to date, how else has she changed? Why did she go on drugs anyway? As advised before, she needs to see a shrink for some time on her own.

 

Personally, there are some things that are standard no-nos for parenting. Doing drugs to the point of losing control is one of those. This is a coping mechanism that can show up time and time again in the future. Cut your losses now.

[UofLCards]

Her attitude just towards life has really changed. She seems like a better person all-around and is not as moody as she was when she just dependent on drugs/alcohol. Don't know if it is just that she is putting on a show to get me back or what but I can tell a big difference in that dept.

 

Like I said, if I ever did give her a second chance at "us" it would have to be along time. I want to be able to see over a long period of time that she is truly changed not just days or weeks but months. Maybe years. Like said said, if she really wants to get back with me and be a family she will be willing to wait until I'm ready. I'm just skeptical and don't want this to backfire on me and my custody of my children in the long run.

[Eye of Hourus]

UOL,

 

It would best for all concerned that you have at least confirmed :

 

1) Your DDAWW (Drunk, Drug Addicted Wondering Wife) is sober and for how long.

2) She is free from any STDs.

3) She is participating in a 12 step program.

4) She is getting 1 on 1 psychotherapy treatment.

 

For Gods sake do not have sex with this woman before you have all of her test results you could end up with something fatal, then where would your kids be?

 

However, as said by others her future behaviour she be viewed through the lens of her past actions.....she has bad coping mechanisms and I do not think this will end well for any of you.

 

The Eye

[Surfer203]

UofL: I think you are handling this properly. Observe her for a LONG time before doing anything. I would honestly be very careful, her history is terrifying - imagine that coming back and the damage it would due to her, you and your family... potentially not worth the risk. Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Tiberius]

You run a big risk. She might just be wanting to get her kids and put you on child support.

[Eye of Hourus]

Surfer,

 

I have been watching and have been saddened by your current situation.

 

All I have to say is let go of the rope......

 

The Eye

 

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

[UofLCards]

You run a big risk. She might just be wanting to get her kids and put you on child support.

 

 

Could you elaborate on this comment?

 

I am curious as to how she could get the kids from me if we just started slow by just dating again and me observing her actions over a long period of time.

 

I don't think that I run a risk of losing custody of my children by trying to get my, "our", family back correct?

[UofLCards]

She keeps telling me that she is going to do it right this time around. We are going to be a happy family. No cheating, lies and definetly no drugs/alcohol. She said she knows what will happen if she screws up our relationship again if I give her a second chance and she doesn't want to see that happen again or be in that situation again without me.

 

I want to believe her but it's hard. She put me through alot of pain. I don't want to go through that again. I haven't told her yet but if I did give her a second chance and she hurt me again I would hate her. FOREVER. No way around that. Hate to say it but I would.

 

I just don't want this backfiring on me with the custody of my children. I don't see though how trying to get your family back together could affecty my custody later on. Don't know that legal stuff though. Maybe I should call my lawyer and ask him about that?

[Owl]

How do you KNOW she's no longer using?

 

What PROOF has she offered/demonstrated? Has she flat out told you she's already stopped...and if so, for how long?

 

Don't foolishly jump back in with her based on your own hopes for her. INSIST that she be involved in some program that will help her to stay clean, and make it clear that you need PROOF of her ongoing changes before you'll even consider letting her back into your life again.

[UofLCards]

She has told me that she is not using and has been clean for almost 6 months.

 

Like I mentioned before, this whole "dating" thing would have to be done VERY slowly over time before I would even consider letting her FULLY back into life. I'm not talking weeks, I am talking months. Possibly years. She has alot of proving to me. If she can't prove it then I will cut everything off between us. But in the end, we will not be living together and a family again until she can FULLY prove herself over a LONG period of time.

[Surfer203]

UofL - Yes please consult your lawyer first!!!!! I hope things work out the second time around, I really do. I am all for reconciliations but your situation worries me due to the drug/alcohol abuse by your wife. I hope she has cleaned up her act for her own sake. Maybe things will work out, I think you have the right idea though if you try to pursue it. Slow, slow, slow. Good luck.

[marqueemoon4]

Its good that the ball is completely in your court... much better than pining for her. Hopefully she will get her act together but obviously you need to know all the legal ramifications and take things incredibly slow. Your focus should still be yourself and your kids. Best of luck man, I know you've been through hell. We're here for you.

[UofLCards]

Going to pick up my SO tommorow for some time with the kids. I have decided (I think) to give her the chance at dating and taking it slow and see how things go. I have told her over and over that this will take LOTS of time for me to be completely sure of this and we need to take it very slow. She is ok with it. She says she just wants to prove that she is a changed person, wife and mother. Me, I skeptical. Part of me thinks she just hates the life she is living right now and wants me back "just" because she knows she is set with me and will be taken care of. I know she loves me but does she really want to "be" with me or is she more thinking of her own self?

 

Only time will tell.

[UofLCards]

Well, me and my ex SO spent all weekend together and I have to say I think I am falling back in love with her. I know it's early and I should be taking this slower than I am but I love her and want this to work. In the days that we spent together I can tell that her attitude has changed dramatically. I keep telling her that she has a long way to go to prove to me that she is a changed person inside and out and that if things go right then we can talk about getting back together as a family.

 

I hate to admit it but it has crossed my mind about getting a place together sooner than expected. Am I jumping the gun on this? Has my feelings taken me over? Maybe I should slow down a bit?

[Chi townD]

Tread lightly my friend. Just because you love someone doesn't erase the past. George Santayana said it best, "If we do not learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it."

 

Do not believe her when she says that she's clean, verify! Don't believe her when she says she doesn't drink...verify! How do you do that? Stop by her place unannounced. If there's booze there, you have your answer.

 

Do not have unprotected sex with her. She cheated on you and is a know drug user. No point on risking your health. Better yet. She needs to go to the doctor and get a clean bill of health in my opinion.

 

Just be careful with this.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Chi townD

[UofLCards]

I actually believe her that she is a changed person. I know it's hard to believe after everything she did, not only to me but herself and our kids, but I am willing to give her a second chance. I do still ahve some doubt though and am skeptical about things. Is she just wanting me back because she knows I can support her? Is she just wanting me back because she knows she will have a stable roof over her head? Is she just wanting me back because she is lonely? OR, does she want me back because she REALLY loves and me and misses me dearly like she says?

 

I want to take it slow but this woman is my soulmate..........if she is clean and stays clean that is. My clean and attitude less SO is the one I fell in love with and right now that woman is showing through. Will it stay that way? That is the question.

 

All I know is I am on the edge of looking at getting a place together and us becoming a family again. Then the next minute I'm very skeptical about it all.

[debtman]

UofLCards,

 

Sounds like a tricky situation. Kudos to you for doing the right thing when everything first fell apart, but you need to REMEMBER what that did to you and your kids. If you take her right back and she's NOT really changed and just putting on a temporary "show" until she gets back in the door, you're setting yourself and your kids up for another emotional fall.

 

There's no rush. Take it slow, wait a few months, AT LEAST! If she really has changed and really wants to get the family back together, she'll be patient and wait until you're ready. If you really want what's best for you and your kids, you'll do what's right and be patient until you're SURE she's sticking to it.

 

Always great to hear about something working out, but, don't forget where you started...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[UofLCards]

I thinking after X-mas around mid-to late January. That would be right at 3 months that she had to prove herself. If she is still on the up and up then I think she would have proven to me that she is ready for this. But I keep telling her to remember that one foul up and it's back to square one and it will be a MAJOR setback. She is walking a very fine line. With that said if she can be on the best behavior and prove she has changed until January then I will feel much better that she is ready to get her family back. I haven't told her this, just keeping it to myself.

[Chi townD]

Well, if getting back together as a family DOES come up in conversation. I would put it all out there. That you do want the family back together; however, you have serious doubts. If she getting her life back together, she should understand where you're coming from. I would also suggest going to conseling prior to having her move back in. A counselor will help with the transition back into a family. Strongly recommend this course of action.