Reconsidering marriage after 27 years together

[tallskinnygirl]

I've been together with my husband for 27 years, married for 23. We have 2 sons, 21 and 18 (older is moved out of state attends university, younger wants to leave soon but still lives at home and attends college now).

 

We've made a good life for ourselves. House is paid for. Cars are paid for. No debt. Similar likes/dislikes. Husband has a full time job that he has worked at for 26 years. Decent income. I am not employed and have stayed home to take care of things ever since the kids were born (before that I did work). I homeschooled my boys, they never attended school. That was a big part of my life while they were growing up.

 

Last 2 years I have kept busy taking care of my grandmothers affairs as she was an incapacitated adult. She has since passed away (in March) and I am wrapping up those duties soon, maybe by the end of this year.

 

All of that aside, I am now having constant feelings of wanting to be alone. Put simply, I feel better when my husband is not with me than when he is with me. I feel like I don't love him anymore. I feel irritated and anxious when he is around me.

 

During this past summer, my husband went through a period of depression, which may have been brought on by what he perceived as me receiving extra attention from men on facebook. I play a game on FB in which I have many friends (both male and female) and he observed what he believed to be inappropriate behavior (commenting) on my part and other men's part. In reality, I feel he overreacted and there was nothing for him to be really concerned about, especially regarding those particular interactions.

 

Outside of FB interactions with men, he also has been in the past and is currently extremely jealous of most any interactions with men that he observes in real life, and has on several occasions even thought that men (even older men) were looking at me and me at them when in fact this was not happening at all. He then gets extremely upset about it, after the fact when he tells me about it later, and accuses me of not having "proper boundaries" with men.

 

All that aside, at this time in my life I find myself thinking about and facing a new phase of life, with the kids gone and just me and him spending a lot of time together alone. Before this, most of our time together was spent as a family and kids were there to act as a buffer in whatever was going on (or wasn't going on) in our marriage.

 

I have lost my attraction to my husband. In fact, it hasn't been there for at least 10 or 15 years. Sex is usually once a week and I always initiate it (because he somewhat knows that I don't really need sex and doesn't want to pressure me) but for me, I have sex with my husband out of duty more than anything else, and it has been that way for a long time. His need for sex is almost daily and he has told me that he must take care of his needs for relief almost daily or every other day.

 

I have never been unfaithful in our marriage but now he says he doesn't trust me because of some friends I have on FB that I interact with daily. That satisfies my need for social interaction because I don't really have friends I see on a regular basis, outside of my husband and my family (my sisters are my closest friends).

 

So lately I'm constantly thinking about what it would be like to leave my husband and live alone. I know I would need to get a job. I know it would be a radical change in my life. I keep considering the pros and cons in that scenario. I feel unsatisfied in our marriage. When I am without him, I feel a profound sense of freedom that I want more and more of.

 

He says he loves me and wants to stay together forever. He is trying to do anything and everything to "get me back" as he says. He is slightly co-dependent on me and holds on to me too tightly (figuratively). I have felt very suffocated by him esp lately.

 

I keep wondering what is wrong with me that I would reject his love this way and want to live my life alone. I WISH I could feel like I want to be with him. I WISH I could miss him when we aren't together. I never get lonely when we are apart, even if it is for several weeks (this happened a couple years ago, he went on a vacation without me with his father and the kids too).

 

Anybody have any thoughts on my situation? I'd be glad to read them.

I'm currently feeling great (because my husband is at work right now) but when he gets home I'll be feeling low again. What is going on with me?? Mid-life crisis has been considered....heh

[LadyGrey]

Why not talk to a pastor and/or a therapist? Could you be experiencing empty nest syndrome?

 

Also what do your sisters advise?

[tallskinnygirl]

Why not talk to a pastor and/or a therapist? Could you be experiencing empty nest syndrome?

 

Also what do your sisters advise?

 

 

We don't go to church and I don't want to talk to any pastor. I actually have seen a therapist once separately and once together with my husband. She has suggested that he has a mild case of bi-polar disorder for his skewed perceptions on men towards me and he has actually taken some meds for this recently. That situation seems to have cleared up a bit for now. But still, if our marriage is to have a future, it would seem to me there needs to be a desire on my part, at least, to do so. For now, it seems there is no desire, because I desire to be without him.

 

My sisters, as well as my parents, are sad to see our relationship heading in this direction, because he has been with me for so long and is considered to be a part of our family. However, my sisters have said that they will support me in whatever decision I make and will always be there for me. And they can also understand how I am feeling, to a point.

[tallskinnygirl]

As far as empty nest syndrome, I believe that deals with a parent who feels lonely when the child leaves home. I really do not feel lonely. I want to be MORE alone. I want to pursue interests on my own, without my husband. He feels the need to do just the opposite. He wants to spend more time together. I feel I can't give him the love that he needs or deserves.

[GorillaTheater]

Boy, does this sound familiar. My wife and I will be celebrating our 28th anniversary next month, and I could well be your husband but for the fact that we have a few more kids.

 

I showed up here nearly three years ago, struggling for answers as I felt my wife slipping away. I went through the stage your husband's in now: insecure,clingy and jealous. He feels that way because he knows that you're a walk-away-wife waiting to happen, he just doesn't know why, and it's killing him. Bipolar? Maybe, but I sincerely doubt it. He's going through a normal stage for someone who's marriage is imploding and he's trying desperately to keep it together without having the slightest idea what's going on, probably because you don't share your heart with him, just as my wife refuses to share hers with me.

 

Me? I've mourned my marriage and am at the acceptance stage. I know I'll be okay, with or without her. There are thousands of women out there, and just one of me, and I like those odds just fine. Funny thing, me getting my mojo back: she doesn't seem as eager to "find herself" now. God loves irony.

 

I hope your husband, for his sake, soon gets to this point as well.

[Lost_Spirit]

May I ask when you started playing the game on FB and do you still play and how much? As well, you said "All of that aside, I am now having constant feelings of wanting to be alone. Put simply, I feel better when my husband is not with me than when he is with me. I feel like I don't love him anymore. I feel irritated and anxious when he is around me."

 

Do you feel irritated and anxious when he is around because he is interupting any game time you could be doing? I know my H would and couldn't wait for me to leave so he could play again. I am familiar with gaming addiction and have gone to a support group online because my H was involved heavily. He too played a game on FB and it consumed his time tremendously.

 

I can give you loads of information on this if you would like. With my experience with this though, gamers doesn't usually admit they have a problem. It's like any addiction.

 

Realizing from your post that this is only part of the problem in your marriage but it still adds to it. I wasn't the jealous type but believe me, seeing my H interact with women on that game was heart breaking. I have seen some of the conversations they have on it and as my H tried to tell me once, "We only discuss the game" These conversations were going outside the boundaries of a marriage. It's not just the game itself that the players get hooked on, it's the attention they are getting that they are not getting at home.

 

Aside from that, it could possibly be hormonal. You haven't mentioned your ages but I know my life was turned up side down going through early menopause between 45 - 49. I pushed my H away as I didn't want nor desire sex. There were times I hated him, thought he was ugly etc. I wasn't myself but while going through this I still alway loved him and not really knowing what I did at the time, I pushed him away.

 

So now I am 51, separated and it's rough! My exH, well he is back into gaming again, more messed up than I am.......

 

Blessing to you and I feel for you going through such a rough time.

[findingnemo]

I've been together with my husband for 27 years, married for 23. We have 2 sons, 21 and 18 (older is moved out of state attends university, younger wants to leave soon but still lives at home and attends college now).

 

We've made a good life for ourselves. House is paid for. Cars are paid for. No debt. Similar likes/dislikes. Husband has a full time job that he has worked at for 26 years. Decent income. I am not employed and have stayed home to take care of things ever since the kids were born (before that I did work). I homeschooled my boys, they never attended school. That was a big part of my life while they were growing up.

 

Last 2 years I have kept busy taking care of my grandmothers affairs as she was an incapacitated adult. She has since passed away (in March) and I am wrapping up those duties soon, maybe by the end of this year.

 

All of that aside, I am now having constant feelings of wanting to be alone. Put simply, I feel better when my husband is not with me than when he is with me. I feel like I don't love him anymore. I feel irritated and anxious when he is around me.

 

During this past summer, my husband went through a period of depression, which may have been brought on by what he perceived as me receiving extra attention from men on facebook. I play a game on FB in which I have many friends (both male and female) and he observed what he believed to be inappropriate behavior (commenting) on my part and other men's part. In reality, I feel he overreacted and there was nothing for him to be really concerned about, especially regarding those particular interactions.

 

Outside of FB interactions with men, he also has been in the past and is currently extremely jealous of most any interactions with men that he observes in real life, and has on several occasions even thought that men (even older men) were looking at me and me at them when in fact this was not happening at all. He then gets extremely upset about it, after the fact when he tells me about it later, and accuses me of not having "proper boundaries" with men.

 

All that aside, at this time in my life I find myself thinking about and facing a new phase of life, with the kids gone and just me and him spending a lot of time together alone. Before this, most of our time together was spent as a family and kids were there to act as a buffer in whatever was going on (or wasn't going on) in our marriage.

 

I have lost my attraction to my husband. In fact, it hasn't been there for at least 10 or 15 years. Sex is usually once a week and I always initiate it (because he somewhat knows that I don't really need sex and doesn't want to pressure me) but for me, I have sex with my husband out of duty more than anything else, and it has been that way for a long time. His need for sex is almost daily and he has told me that he must take care of his needs for relief almost daily or every other day.

 

I have never been unfaithful in our marriage but now he says he doesn't trust me because of some friends I have on FB that I interact with daily. That satisfies my need for social interaction because I don't really have friends I see on a regular basis, outside of my husband and my family (my sisters are my closest friends).

 

So lately I'm constantly thinking about what it would be like to leave my husband and live alone. I know I would need to get a job. I know it would be a radical change in my life. I keep considering the pros and cons in that scenario. I feel unsatisfied in our marriage. When I am without him, I feel a profound sense of freedom that I want more and more of.

 

He says he loves me and wants to stay together forever. He is trying to do anything and everything to "get me back" as he says. He is slightly co-dependent on me and holds on to me too tightly (figuratively). I have felt very suffocated by him esp lately.

 

I keep wondering what is wrong with me that I would reject his love this way and want to live my life alone. I WISH I could feel like I want to be with him. I WISH I could miss him when we aren't together. I never get lonely when we are apart, even if it is for several weeks (this happened a couple years ago, he went on a vacation without me with his father and the kids too).

 

Anybody have any thoughts on my situation? I'd be glad to read them.

I'm currently feeling great (because my husband is at work right now) but when he gets home I'll be feeling low again. What is going on with me?? Mid-life crisis has been considered....heh

 

This is a complicated situation. On the one hand you don't want to be with your husband, and on the other you are not comfortable throwing away a 27 year M. Why does wanting to be alone more translate into leaving your M?

 

I think you are bored. Now that you're kids are grown, you have more time on your hands than you know what to do with. Playing Internet games is one of the worst things you could do with that time. What kind of game is this anyway that you can't stop if it makes your H insecure? It's just a game, right? It's also not the cleverest use of your time on earth.

 

You need to change your life in several ways without ending your M. How about getting a job to start with? Or you could go back to school to study something you always wanted to learn and slowly get re-introduced to the work force. University is much more fun when you're older. Get a new career and you'll get more time alone, other interests outside your home. You are unsettled and it may have nothing to do with your M per se. If you find that what you want is a divorce after changing your life, then go ahead. But reading what you've written makes me think you need to go in a new direction career- wise.

[tallskinnygirl]

Boy, does this sound familiar. My wife and I will be celebrating our 28th anniversary next month, and I could well be your husband but for the fact that we have a few more kids.

 

I showed up here nearly three years ago, struggling for answers as I felt my wife slipping away. I went through the stage your husband's in now: insecure,clingy and jealous. He feels that way because he knows that you're a walk-away-wife waiting to happen, he just doesn't know why, and it's killing him. Bipolar? Maybe, but I sincerely doubt it. He's going through a normal stage for someone who's marriage is imploding and he's trying desperately to keep it together without having the slightest idea what's going on, probably because you don't share your heart with him, just as my wife refuses to share hers with me.

 

Me? I've mourned my marriage and am at the acceptance stage. I know I'll be okay, with or without her. There are thousands of women out there, and just one of me, and I like those odds just fine. Funny thing, me getting my mojo back: she doesn't seem as eager to "find herself" now. God loves irony.

 

I hope your husband, for his sake, soon gets to this point as well.

 

Thanks for your reply. I HAVE shared my feelings with my husband. He knows pretty much everything I wrote here except maybe the extent of how I am not really attracted to him anymore (haven't wanted to hurt his feelings in that regard).

 

Can I ask what you would suggest I do in my situation? I haven't left yet, I'm still here, living life day by day, trying to make sense of these feelings I'm having and how to move forward in life, and what direction to go. I'm trying to find happiness, that's all.

[tallskinnygirl]

So, you are both in your late 40's/early 50's?

 

By all means, if the fire has been out for 10 - 15 years, give your husband his freedom by seeking out your own.

 

You may find things appear differently when you are on that other patch of grass, you know, the one where you actually have to get a job, and are a middle-aged woman looking for a relationship.

 

It's probably not too late for your husband to start over again and who knows, he may be able to bang some women who actually enjoy sex more than once a week, grudgingly.

 

I would love to see the look on your face if you split up and then six months down the road run across your husband driving his mid life crisis sports car with a 25 year old big chested blonde in the passenger seat next to him. Oh well coffee break over, back to work at Wal Mart.

 

But hey if that's the life you'd prefer....by all means, go for it.

 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, other side of 45 now. You are right, I probably WOULD find things appear differently on the other side. Sometimes I think I may need to feel regret in order to just WAKE UP and feel anything for my husband beyond some of these negative feelings I have right now.

 

You do sound a little hostile about how I have seemingly deprived my husband of sex all these years...well sorry, I'm not sure what to do about that. Again, I do feel inadequate and guilty about that, about not being able to fulfill his needs properly, but hey thats just how I am, and how he is. How do you change your needs for sex, and after all this time, not feeling attracted?

[2sunny]

Start working. It will distract you from the gaming, get you out and interacting with the public and give you a needed sense of accomplishment.

 

I don't agree with putting these feelings YOU have on your H - they are yours... He's still the same man - your perspective is what's changed.

 

I think you seem like a lot of wives here - ready to have an affair. I'd bet money you are interested in someone you plays the FB game with.be honest...

 

Your H deserves your honesty.

[tallskinnygirl]

May I ask when you started playing the game on FB and do you still play and how much? As well, you said "All of that aside, I am now having constant feelings of wanting to be alone. Put simply, I feel better when my husband is not with me than when he is with me. I feel like I don't love him anymore. I feel irritated and anxious when he is around me."

 

Do you feel irritated and anxious when he is around because he is interupting any game time you could be doing? I know my H would and couldn't wait for me to leave so he could play again. I am familiar with gaming addiction and have gone to a support group online because my H was involved heavily. He too played a game on FB and it consumed his time tremendously.

 

I can give you loads of information on this if you would like. With my experience with this though, gamers doesn't usually admit they have a problem. It's like any addiction.

 

Realizing from your post that this is only part of the problem in your marriage but it still adds to it. I wasn't the jealous type but believe me, seeing my H interact with women on that game was heart breaking. I have seen some of the conversations they have on it and as my H tried to tell me once, "We only discuss the game" These conversations were going outside the boundaries of a marriage. It's not just the game itself that the players get hooked on, it's the attention they are getting that they are not getting at home.

 

Aside from that, it could possibly be hormonal. You haven't mentioned your ages but I know my life was turned up side down going through early menopause between 45 - 49. I pushed my H away as I didn't want nor desire sex. There were times I hated him, thought he was ugly etc. I wasn't myself but while going through this I still alway loved him and not really knowing what I did at the time, I pushed him away.

 

So now I am 51, separated and it's rough! My exH, well he is back into gaming again, more messed up than I am.......

 

Blessing to you and I feel for you going through such a rough time.

 

Thank You for your reply. I have been playing this game for over 2 years. I admit that I can play a lot at times. I may feel irritated sometimes that he interrupts my game time, but I really do try to balance my time at home between real life activities and playing on the computer, even moreso lately. If you say you have info on game addiction, please do share it with me. I have enjoyed playing games all my life, and can remember starting when the first atari system came out in the early 80's, went to video arcades, etc...It has never been a real problem in my life that I can tell, but yes, my husband HAS suggested that I have an addiction with it. It probably does heighten the experience, I have to admit, to interact with people while playing, although I do NOT talk about inappropriate things with other people. However, I do enjoy the interaction.

 

Gaming aside, I have always felt more at peace being alone, way before the internet even came along. When I am alone, I can do what I want without having to consider anyone's else's feelings, likes or dislikes. I can eat what I want when I want. I can listen to my own music. I like to paint and do art, and find I must be alone to be able to do that. My husband wants me to go to bed at the same time he does, even if I want to stay up later. Sometimes I feel like he is my parent and I am the child, telling me what to do. Even mundane tasks like cleaning the house are done easier when I am alone. Its like I can think more clearly.

 

I am within the age range 45-49 and may be pre-menopausal, I don't know. I don't have any other symptoms yet to suggest that. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about my husband any more. Sometimes I wish my feelings were more clear to me. I do care for him. But the love I once felt for him has faded away to something very dim now. I'm still confused about my feelings that have been gnawing at me now for the past month or two. Why do I have them and what should I do about them? I can't ignore them.

[tallskinnygirl]

Start working. It will distract you from the gaming, get you out and interacting with the public and give you a needed sense of accomplishment.

 

I don't agree with putting these feelings YOU have on your H - they are yours... He's still the same man - your perspective is what's changed.

 

I think you seem like a lot of wives here - ready to have an affair. I'd bet money you are interested in someone you plays the FB game with.be honest...

 

Your H deserves your honesty.

 

Thanks for your reply. I will consider your suggestion to start working, although I really do have a problem with working for other people. Even before I had kids, I worked outside the home for a few years and was miserable. I don't take direction from bosses very well. I established a home-based business and was very happy doing that until I was pregnant with baby #2. After that I quit working for money, all these years, but still have been doing plenty of work in the home, raising kids, pets, etc...

 

Yes, my perspective has changed, you are right. Trying to figure out what to do about it....

[2sunny]

Doesn't matter if you don't like taking direction - you need to find out how to get past being uncomfortable but still doing the right thing. Sitting home gaming and flirting with others isn't helping your M, so get busy earning money... You'll need it when you get divorced.

 

You aren't thinking lovingly about your H - that's a big sign of heading to a split - and if you're unwilling to change - it only looks more grim.

[robf1971]

Thanks for your reply. I HAVE shared my feelings with my husband. He knows pretty much everything I wrote here except maybe the extent of how I am not really attracted to him anymore (haven't wanted to hurt his feelings in that regard).

 

Can I ask what you would suggest I do in my situation? I haven't left yet, I'm still here, living life day by day, trying to make sense of these feelings I'm having and how to move forward in life, and what direction to go. I'm trying to find happiness, that's all.

 

Yep,

 

If you really want to save it, acknowledge to yourselves that this is 50/50. You make an appointment for marriage counselling to start talking about this with hubby. You go to the doctor to get checked up about hormonal imbalances etc.

 

You want to start feeling better about yourself and your marriage, start investing in yourselves rather than just sitting at home in front of a gaming computer waiting for things to implode.

[Lost_Spirit]

Thank You for your reply. I have been playing this game for over 2 years. I admit that I can play a lot at times. I may feel irritated sometimes that he interrupts my game time, but I really do try to balance my time at home between real life activities and playing on the computer, even moreso lately. If you say you have info on game addiction, please do share it with me. I have enjoyed playing games all my life, and can remember starting when the first atari system came out in the early 80's, went to video arcades, etc...It has never been a real problem in my life that I can tell, but yes, my husband HAS suggested that I have an addiction with it. It probably does heighten the experience, I have to admit, to interact with people while playing, although I do NOT talk about inappropriate things with other people. However, I do enjoy the interaction.

 

Gaming aside, I have always felt more at peace being alone, way before the internet even came along. When I am alone, I can do what I want without having to consider anyone's else's feelings, likes or dislikes. I can eat what I want when I want. I can listen to my own music. I like to paint and do art, and find I must be alone to be able to do that. My husband wants me to go to bed at the same time he does, even if I want to stay up later. Sometimes I feel like he is my parent and I am the child, telling me what to do. Even mundane tasks like cleaning the house are done easier when I am alone. Its like I can think more clearly.

 

I am within the age range 45-49 and may be pre-menopausal, I don't know. I don't have any other symptoms yet to suggest that. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about my husband any more. Sometimes I wish my feelings were more clear to me. I do care for him. But the love I once felt for him has faded away to something very dim now. I'm still confused about my feelings that have been gnawing at me now for the past month or two. Why do I have them and what should I do about them? I can't ignore them.

 

For starters, please go to

 

http://www.olganon.org/?q=self_tests_on_gaming_addiction and answer the questions to yourself honesty. I would then recommend you go read under the Family heading and read some of the horrid stories of how gaming can affect your spouse, family, etc. and most importantly yourself. You can read under Gamers to see what they themselves are going through and how much they have lost because of this addiction. Some of the stories may shock you. This is where I went for months for support and the people there are absolutely wonderful and very supportive.

 

No you can't ignore how you are feeling, I'm happy you feel that way. Don't sweep them under the rug. Please discuss how you are feeling with your H, I wish mine had, we may still be together today. Instead his stress, confusion, etc were pushed aside and he escaped so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

 

Blessing.

[Lis007]

I think you will regret it... over such trivial silly things... after 27 years!

 

Do you think that maybe it would be a good idea to spend less time online and on face book and more time doing something together given the situation?

 

You have had a heavy last few years and a lot of stress can you work to fix things instead of break them?

 

Please bear in mind - if you separate how do you expect you might live if you don't like working for other people. When separation occurs after such a long period of not working one of the things you might not think about is supporting yourself. You can't just quit because you dont like taking direction.. this is reality you have to pay your bills on your own. No time for games...

Edited November 16, 2011 by Lis007

[PinkInTheLimo]

You are not addicted to gaming.

 

I think your H is not the right partner for you. Let me guess, you married young and you had hardly any experience with other boys.

 

I am in the same age bracket as you and I feel that with age I know more and more who I am. I am less willing to make uncomfortable compromises. Your H comes across as controlling to me. Of course, for a more "obedient" wife all this would maybe be the most normal thing in the world. But I think that your H's behaviour suffocates you because you are the kind of person who likes to be free in her mind.

 

Don't check out info on game addiction. Check out what personality type you are in the Myers Briggs classification. Very enlightening. Maybe it will show you how you can better deal with your H's flaws or help you decide to leave the marriage. Sometimes the love has simply had its time. In midlife, you don't necessarily have a crisis but you can feel that you finally want to live the life you were supposed to live. And you realise that life is short.

[reboot]

Take a sledge hammer to your computer, then go out and live some.

[whichwayisup]

27 years is alot of history and a life together to throw away without really trying to fix things and do counselling together.

 

This isn't now just about space and wanting to do what you want, and be alone. Is this a MLC? Upcoming changes around the corner and you're freaking out? Or are you/did you truly grow apart from your husband.. All stuff you need to talk to a therapist about because this decision, splitting up affects EVERYBODY not just you and him. Your kids, your family, your inlaws, extended family, friends.. Not saying that what they think or feel should or shouldn't change your mind but it's still a package deal. Hope this makes sense.

 

Imagine 2 years from now, one of you gets sick. Not flu sick, but a serious illness. Lets say it's you. Are you prepared and okay being alone? Not having someone to rely on, look after you? Again, not a reason to stay, but in the bigger picture of things, again it comes to 27 years of marriage, and your history with your husband..

 

I do have to ask, the attention from other guys online and your gaming, has this affected how you truly feel towards your husband? A small portion , maybe?

 

Anyway, I think it's just a sad shame to throw away such a long marriage without giving it your real best, last shot to try to make your marriage better. You're not even giving your husband a chance to change, or work with you.

 

But, with that said, if you truly feel it's over and there's nothing him or anybody else can say to convince you to stay, then divorce now. Do it soon, wasting 2 or 3 more years because your youngest is still living at home while in college isn't good enough reason to hang on and stay. It's wasting your life and also your husband's life as well. He deserves a chance at love and rebuilding with someone else.. Maybe it is time to let him go so he can heal and find someone who will be a better match and love him.

[PinkInTheLimo]

27 years is alot of history and a life together to throw away without really trying to fix things and do counselling together.

 

This isn't now just about space and wanting to do what you want, and be alone. Is this a MLC?

 

It's not because it lasts long that it is worth saving... It's the quality that counts not the quantity.

Continuing a marriage just because it has already lasted that long is not a good reason.

 

A MLC is a concept which has been invented by people who try to get their partner back to his/her old ways. It's not a real thing. We evolve and change and sometimes the life we have lead for a long time no longer fits who we are. And that is most of the time because the people around the one with the so-called MLC have not evolved in the same direction.

All you can do is check if that is eventually possible but otherwise each one has to follow his/her own course.

[tallskinnygirl]

Wow, thank you for this rejply. It speaks clearly and resonates with me. It helps to know that someone else feels the same way. And yes, I did meet my husband when I was quite young (19, he was 20). And yes, I haven't had hardly any other experience with boys.

 

An update, we are still trying to work through our issues, I haven't completely given up on our marriage yet, we are seeing a therapist together this week, I have had more heart to heart talks with my husband, telling him my real feelings, which has not been pleasant at all. Because mostly I have kept my real feelings about him hidden for a long time. But at least now it is all coming out into the open and we can face them and ultimately decide what to do. I'm still not sure if we will be together and he is desperately holding on to me, but I am trying and hope to eventually get the answers about what is the best direction to move in.

 

Thank you again for your continued replies and suggestions. I appreciate reading them.

 

You are not addicted to gaming.

 

I think your H is not the right partner for you. Let me guess, you married young and you had hardly any experience with other boys.

 

I am in the same age bracket as you and I feel that with age I know more and more who I am. I am less willing to make uncomfortable compromises. Your H comes across as controlling to me. Of course, for a more "obedient" wife all this would maybe be the most normal thing in the world. But I think that your H's behaviour suffocates you because you are the kind of person who likes to be free in her mind.

 

Don't check out info on game addiction. Check out what personality type you are in the Myers Briggs classification. Very enlightening. Maybe it will show you how you can better deal with your H's flaws or help you decide to leave the marriage. Sometimes the love has simply had its time. In midlife, you don't necessarily have a crisis but you can feel that you finally want to live the life you were supposed to live. And you realise that life is short.

[tallskinnygirl]

I like this comment also, thank you.

 

 

 

It's not because it lasts long that it is worth saving... It's the quality that counts not the quantity.

Continuing a marriage just because it has already lasted that long is not a good reason.

 

A MLC is a concept which has been invented by people who try to get their partner back to his/her old ways. It's not a real thing. We evolve and change and sometimes the life we have lead for a long time no longer fits who we are. And that is most of the time because the people around the one with the so-called MLC have not evolved in the same direction.

All you can do is check if that is eventually possible but otherwise each one has to follow his/her own course.

[robf1971]

A MLC is a concept which has been invented by people who try to get their partner back to his/her old ways. It's not a real thing.

 

An MLC is a catch all excuse for adult bad behaviour, it's pathetic!!