Compatibility Concerns

[TigerCub]

Hi again

 

Here's the thing - my bf (yeah, the one I wrote about in the 'How do you do it' marriage thread) and I are very different.

 

BF:

- likes museums, art galleries

- Introverted

- Hiking

- Camping

- Kayaking

 

TigerCub:

- Likes parties, dancing, clubs, hanging out with lots of people

- Extroverted

- Likes the museums and galleries, but not as much as him, I get bored easier.

- Not much or a camper, BUT I do those things for him and its not like I don't enjoy them, I just don't enjoy them to the extent that he does.

 

I don't think we get excited about the same things:

 

Example:

- Sometime last year, my sister and her H suggested that we all go to Las Vegas for a little trip. I get so super excited, I call up the bf and tell him this new plan, and he kinda pours cold water on my mood by replying more with concern than excitement. He just tells me that its a "maybe" and that he'd have to "find things other than what Vegas is famous for, he needs to find stuff like a hiking trail or something cultural, etc..."

 

To me, I've been to Vegas once for a few days, and the time just flew by, I think - what more do you need? Gambling, drinking, partying, tanning by the pool, walking around and seeing the sights, catching a show - like to me, that's an awesome vacation idea - but to him that's not very appealing, he needs the other things.

 

Also, because he is an introvert, he doesn't like the parties too much. For example, when we do go to parties, it drains him, but I get all my energy from interacting with others.

 

Sometimes I feel like we are too different.

I know that there is always room for compromise, but when is it too much?

 

I can't possibly imagine that our life will just be camping and hiking (which I do, mostly with a smile on my face), but "dragging" him to activities I enjoy.

 

We have talked about it recently, and we both see that compatibility is very important, but the thing is, he recognizes that I put in more effort to do his things than he does for me.

 

He promised to do better.

 

Its weird because on a day to day basis, we get along so well, we have a bunch of stuff in common, but on "special" activities, we really don't match up.

 

Also, I KNOW that life isn't all about partying. Its just that when my bf and i talk about our ideal vacations, we are so off.

I'd be happy (it wouldn't be my dream vacation), but I would be happy at a resort, lounging, tanning, drinking, partying, shopping, meeting people, etc.

but to him, that's a terrible vacation, his idea of a vacation is way different so I think, well maybe we are too different, is life just gonna be a big string of compromises on things like that - its not the act of compromising that I am against, its just that if you're constantly compromising on something, you're constantly missing out on part of what you want. Does that work in the long run?

 

Any couples here with the same kind of issue?

Did it work out to just compromise, or do somethings apart or did it become a bigger problem?

 

I do understand that we can do things apart, but those are the "fun" extra things, and it would be nice to do most of them together. no?

 

Thanks for any experiences/advice on this.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Do all of these differences cause conflict between you? Are you feeling dissatisfied with him because you make more of an effort to participate in the things he values than vice versa?

 

I'm not taking sides here - I swear! But I think it is easier (though not necessarily more fun) for citified extrovert to subject themselves to hiking than it would be for a quiet and maybe shy person to function painlessly at a high energy drinking and dancing party.

[denise_xo]

Any couples here with the same kind of issue?

Did it work out to just compromise, or do somethings apart or did it become a bigger problem?

 

Yes, we have some of the same issues, though not quite the same constellation (none of us are party animals [anymore..] )

 

I'd say it's been a problem for me at times, when I've wished that we had more common activities to develop around. I think that's been exacerbated for me because my H isn't very good at doing stuff on his own or initiating 'his own' activities when I go off to do things that he's not interested in (e.g. long hiking trips, going to the gym) - so it makes me feel that I'm 'leaving him alone' and in the past he used to get quite bored and irritable. At the same time, we've also grown closer over the years, in the sense that he's learned to appreciate some of the things I do more, and vice versa.

 

Personally I'm very independent and have to desire to be joined to the hip of a partner, but I do think it's important to share a minimum amount of things through which you can grow together, and grow closer. Do you feel that the two of you have that?

[ErgoStep]

Its weird because on a day to day basis, we get along so well, we have a bunch of stuff in common, but on "special" activities, we really don't match up.

 

I'd call this a good sign. You're going to spend most of your time with day-to-day activities.

 

We have talked about it recently, and we both see that compatibility is very important, but the thing is, he recognizes that I put in more effort to do his things than he does for me.

 

It's possible that he doesn't mind having you along, but it is less important to him than you think. If he is an introvert it will be a lot of work for him to keep up with you. While for you it is simply slowing down for a bit to go hiking.

 

Do what you enjoy. Let him do what he enjoys.

 

And don't worry about doing things apart.

[Hanther]

My fiance and I are like you and your bf. His ideal vacation when we met was a cruise - lounging around for a week hitting the hotspots at several different locations (seeing the most in the shortest time), drinking, and some poolside partying. My ideal vacation would be to spend a week hiking in the Alps with nothing but two hammocks a fishing pole. Or backbacking down the Italian coastline.

 

We have compromised - we take two vacations each year.

[Hanther]

I do think it's important to share a minimum amount of things through which you can grow together, and grow closer. Do you feel that the two of you have that?

 

This is important, too. For instance my fiance picked up scuba diving when he met me. So now we take scuba vacations. He gets the relaxed Caribbean atmosphere (like a cruise) and we both get the fun outdoor activity - diving. So there's always a way to compromise that doesn't lead to one of you giving up anything you feel is important.

[TigerCub]

Do all of these differences cause conflict between you? Are you feeling dissatisfied with him because you make more of an effort to participate in the things he values than vice versa?

There are times that I get angry (on the inside) because I feel like "I do your things for you - can't you do mine without looking like you're annoyed and not having any fun??"

 

One example was when we went to NY. I did some museums and stuff with him - sure by the end I got all bored and tired, and so we did our own thing for part of the vacation (also a very good thing)

but when it was time to go to a lounge, he was already agitated and annoyed before we even went in - he totally ruined it for me and we left.

 

So yeah, in that case, I totally felt ripped off that he doesn't give back to me as much as I do for him.

 

I'm not taking sides here - I swear! But I think it is easier (though not necessarily more fun) for citified extrovert to subject themselves to hiking than it would be for a quiet and maybe shy person to function painlessly at a high energy drinking and dancing party.

 

That's actually a very good point.

I never really thought of it that way. I think I just thought of it in terms of "I do it for you, why can't you do it for me without making it obvious that you're not that comfortable"

 

but thinking of it the way you put it, I think actually would help me not feel "ripped off" at the times he isn't into things.

 

He's honestly not like that all the time, sometimes he'll go and it'll be fine and I don't get the sense that he doesn't want to be there.

 

Thanks Mme. Chaucer that really helped

[TigerCub]

Yes, we have some of the same issues, though not quite the same constellation (none of us are party animals [anymore..] )

 

I'd say it's been a problem for me at times, when I've wished that we had more common activities to develop around. I think that's been exacerbated for me because my H isn't very good at doing stuff on his own or initiating 'his own' activities when I go off to do things that he's not interested in (e.g. long hiking trips, going to the gym) - so it makes me feel that I'm 'leaving him alone' and in the past he used to get quite bored and irritable. At the same time, we've also grown closer over the years, in the sense that he's learned to appreciate some of the things I do more, and vice versa.

Personally I'm very independent and have to desire to be joined to the hip of a partner, but I do think it's important to share a minimum amount of things through which you can grow together, and grow closer. Do you feel that the two of you have that?

 

Thanks Denise

 

I'm glad that my bf and I are both independent people that actually aren't always together. We do have our separate activities, but it is important to "share a minimum amount of things" like you said, and its in that that we don't really connect.

 

The good news is that since we discussed this on the weekend, we have decided to take a class of some sort together. We're gonna either do an art class or a cooking class, or maybe a swimming class.

 

I looked up places for some of those already and I'm excited for us to have an activity that we both would enjoy together.

 

For the record, I'm not good at art or cooking, but I wouldn't mind learning, and swimming - always fun

 

But I think that's a good step forward because we both felt that we don't have too much to connect on and do together, and the thing is since we both are very comfortable doing things on our own and with our own friends - that's why it became a concern, cuz before we know it, we could have drifted apart just doing our own thing all the time.

 

Thank you so much for you perspective and sharing your experiences

[TigerCub]

I'd call this a good sign. You're going to spend most of your time with day-to-day activities.

That's very true and it was an encouraging fact when I considered if we really would work out well together.

 

 

It's possible that he doesn't mind having you along, but it is less important to him than you think. If he is an introvert it will be a lot of work for him to keep up with you. While for you it is simply slowing down for a bit to go hiking.

 

Do what you enjoy. Let him do what he enjoys.

 

And don't worry about doing things apart.

 

I actually thought about that too - I know that he does camping and hiking all on his own, and I'm sure due to his introverted nature, he loves and gets his energy from being out there all by himself with the elements.

 

Its just when he invites me along and he looks so hopeful that I'd say yes, that it makes me feel like I should say yes.

I'm a very girly girl and he knows that things like camping are taking me totally out of my element - but I just think that if it makes him happy, I"m game. We still do it on my terms to make sure I'm comfortable, but we still do it.

 

But yeah, you are totally right that for the most part he probably would prefer to be on his own doing those things. But I guess sometimes he just wants me there to share the experience.

 

Thanks so much Ergo, I really appreciate your insight

[TigerCub]

My fiance and I are like you and your bf. His ideal vacation when we met was a cruise - lounging around for a week hitting the hotspots at several different locations (seeing the most in the shortest time), drinking, and some poolside partying. My ideal vacation would be to spend a week hiking in the Alps with nothing but two hammocks a fishing pole. Or backbacking down the Italian coastline.

We have compromised - we take two vacations each year.

 

Hanther, you are a clever one

 

When you do his kind of vacation, do you get bored, or do you eventually get into it and enjoy it?

 

Thanks for sharing your experience and helpful tips