– girl has been giving me mixed signals

[so_cal_dude]

Title: Confused – girl has been giving me mixed signals

 

 

Hey forum readers – hope you’re doing well. A little about me before I go into my story – I’m 23 and reside in Palo Alto working at an investment bank. Being a bit detailed oriented comes from work and personal habits, so please bear with me as I go on with my story – thanks in advance!

 

I was introduced to a girl (20 years old) by a mutual friend in late August through lunch. After hanging out for a few hours, I seemed interested in her (maybe it was her London accent at first) and she agreed to exchange numbers that day. I gave her a call two days later to ask if she wanted to go clubbing with my friends, but she said she couldn’t make it, but wanted to hang out when she moved in her new place in SF in mid-September. We never really hung out, but texted on-and-off from late August to late September. During this time, she had told me she was currently living with her ex (they had broken up in beginning of summer after being together for 4-5 years and she had felt trapped living there) in Berkeley for a month since she couldn’t find a suitable apartment in SF yet.

 

Fast forward to October 1 – I was in SF at night with a few friends so I texted her if she wanted to come out. She said she was in her apartment having a horrible time moving in. She told me her ex had agreed to help her move-in but he ended up going there and sat there doing nothing. What’s interesting is that she replied saying, “Hey babe I’m not coming out tonight. Are u staying in the city? Let’s go for lunch tomorrow.” The next day, we got lunch together, had some fun and bonding time moving-in and assembling all her furniture and got dinner afterwards. During dinner, I asked her what was up with her ex since they were still arguing and whatnot and she just said that she wants to get over it and move on. I didn’t want to keep on the topic too long, so we only talked for it about 3 minutes. Afterwards, we sat in Chinatown SF for an hour or so and just flirted / talked about life, eventually holding hands as we were running down the steep hills of SF. After I left, she had sent me a text saying, "Thank you SO much for everything today.”

 

During October, we started to text each other more (her messages got way longer and she sends about 3 texts for every 1 text I send). October 7 was the first time I stayed over at her place. Her bed being a twin bed eventually led us to cuddling, but nothing more than that. On October 15, I asked if she wanted to hang out at night and she had told me that she just got in another argument with her ex, was moody and she didn’t feel like going out and she was in her PJs. I was in the city anyways and told her I needed to give her something. As a surprise, they were these cupcakes she really wanted for a long time. When I was going to drop the gift off, I told her, “I know you’re not feeling too well, but I hope this makes your night a little sweeter. I’ll talk to you later okay?” and gave her hug. It turns out that when she came down to pick up my gift, she was fully dressed in a black dress and said, “I thought you wanted to go out.” We eventually drove around the city at around 12am and ended up buying a hookah set and smoked until 5 am. That was the first time we kissed each other on the lips. I stayed over that night again and we only cuddled. On the morning of October 16, we were about to have sex, but she said, “Babe don’t do this to me.” I asked what's wrong and she said it's that time of the month. She had lunch plans on Sunday morning, so I went home. She texted me in the afternoon saying, “Thanks for the cupcakes..so sweet of you.” I asked her when was the next time I was going to see her, but later that night, she texted me saying, “I need to talk to you.” I knew something was up (either I was acting clingy or I had been friend-zoned, but what happens after is even more interesting…

 

On October 18, at her request, I met up with her around 11pm in SF. When I first saw her, she gave me a hug. The place we were going to go to was closed so we ended up walking around the city. While walking to our destination, she said she had to talk to me. She started off by saying that I’m the sweetest guy she’s met, but she isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now. She just got out of a serious relationship in the beginning of summer and didn’t want to jump back into another one immediately after. When she stayed over at her ex’s place during September since she was looking for an apartment, she realized that she was back at where she didn’t want to be and didn’t want to jump back into something since they kept arguing. She said she loves hanging out with me, but she wants to do her own thing or figure out what she wants (I asked her about this and she said she wasn’t sure, but I think she referred it to as meeting more people and learning what she wants. She also said she didn’t want to give me the wrong impression about staying over. She didn’t want me to drive back to my place late at night or when I was drunk. She said it’s her fault in letting this happen. I played it cool and acted like I didn’t care. After she told me this, we got a really late dinner. It was a good dinner and we joked and flirted a bit...then went back to my car. She said she was going to walk back home, but it was 6 blocks away late at night so I gave her a ride home and she said it was pretty sweet. While I was driving, I gave her a small present – they were some cupcake key covers (she always had trouble figuring out which key was her apartments) that she really liked (she sent like 10 texts and said that I and my gift had totally made her day and that she was giggling the whole time she was walking up to her apartment)…she told me to call her when I get home but I didn’t.

 

This was when I started to talk to her less and played hard to get by being less available. The next morning on October 19, she texts and calls but I don’t respond or pick up. The next day, she texts and calls again yesterday afternoon and I don’t reply. I tell her I’m going to be in San Jose for the whole day in the afternoon. She calls again at 9pm and texts me again saying at 12am, "Are you still in san jose? :(" "maybe you got kidnapped by a slut while you were there.” I could tell by then she was craving the attention that I previously gave her before she gave me the ‘talk’. On October 21, I finally respond to her calls/texts and ask what she’s up to and if she’s free on Saturday night (October 22) since I was going to be in the city with a few friends. She said she’s free during the night. We meet up and end up going to a really nice restaurant and flirting quite a bit. I stayed over at her place again, but we only cuddle. The next morning (October 23), we grab some lunch and I told her I need to go back to Palo Alto to do some work. I asked if she wanted to come along and to my surprise, she said yes (she doesn’t have a car). We ended up getting dinner and watching a movie at my place. When it was 3am and I was about to go sleep, she said she needed to go to the bathroom. 10 minutes later, she comes in my room with a sexy white dress and she jumps on top of me and we have sex. We do it again next Tuesday at her place.

 

Things then start to turn weird a few days before Halloween. She started to push back dates to hang out and say she was busy with homework on the weekends. During these weekends, she wouldn’t reply at all or call and would get back to me 1-2 days later saying her phone was dead (I don’t know if this is true, but her phone is quite crappy and has had battery problems). On October 31, since I had been thought she was busy with homework, I left some flowers and just some snacks outside her door to make her life a little easier. She arrived later that night and said she really loved my gift and it was really sweet. She also mentioned she had been going on the pill again to me. I asked her what she was doing on Tuesday and she said she was busy and said maybe we can meet on Thursday (November 3) instead. She said she was sick so I decided to drive to her place at Friday 2am and drop some food and medicine for her. I stayed over once again. Sensing that I was giving her too much attention again, I decided to talk to her less.

 

After not speaking to her since last last Sunday afternoon (November 6), she had sent me three texts last Tuesday saying her phone was dead over the weekend. I replied on Thursday. She’s been wondering what I’ve been up to since I’ve been MIA from her for a while so she calls me as she said she would in her text at 7:03pm. After I tell her I was busy and won’t be home until 11 through the phone (call lasted 20 seconds), she sends another text at 7:05pm saying “I’m so bored. Hurry n go back home n call me.” She just said to call her when I’m done around 11. So at 11:30, I call her and ask her what she’s doing (also telling her that my friend wanted me to go drinking with her, but I said I would prefer to hang out with her instead). She says she’s at home so I told her I was going to stop by – she agreed. It took me around 30 minutes to get there and at 12:14am, she texts “Biatch are u still coming? If not, it doesn’t matter.” She sounded kind of pissed, but I arrived at her place one minute after. I called her and she came down and we hugged. I joked with her regarding the text message and she said she was just tired.

 

Once at her apartment, she immediately says that she needs to tell me something. She says that her ex and her are talking again. It happened since after Halloween (I kind of predicted this since she wasn’t as responsive as before during the previous weekends and may have been why she kept pushing back dates). She says I’m one of the nicest guys she ever met and that I’m always there for her and she still wants to hang out, but thought it was important that she let me know. I played it off as cool. After she was done telling me, I told her, “Hey I know you’re going through a hard time and I sympathize with you because I’ve been there before and know how it feels. I think what you need right now is some time to figure things out on your own. I’ll talk to you later.” She then asks when would “later” be and I told her, “Whenever you think the time is right, so I can’t answer that.” She kept saying “Her ex wants to get things straight...he wants that, etc.” but I told her that it’s not about him and that he doesn’t matter, but it’s ultimately about what she wants. I told her that you won’t have an answer by tonight and I’m not asking for anything, but you need to figure this out by yourself.

 

I was going to leave immediately after and I told her I’ll just walk down to my car by myself, but she offered to walk me down. I said no, but she kept insisting so I just said okay. While walking downstairs, she said “I hope you aren’t pissed and I’m really sorry for telling you this. I’ve never know what I’ve always wanted.” I was just like, “That’s why you need more time to figure things out on your own. You can’t go through life thinking this way – eventually you have to figure things out.” Once at my car, she gave me a hug and I sped off. 10 minutes later, she sends three texts saying, “Hey”. “I feel like a big butthead” (with some crying emoticon). “Let me know when u get home xx”. I didn’t reply for obvious reasons. On Friday, she calls me at 5:50pm and sends me a text at 7:40pm asking “are u still at work?” I didn’t reply. On Saturday noon, I call her once just to tell her I've been busy, but she doesn’t pick up. She sends three texts three hours later saying "Heya, sorry I just saw ur msg/call." My phone was on silent =\". "Hope everythings alright, was thinkin about u all of yday waiting to call u after work lol. Facepalm." She called again yesterday at 7:30pm, but I didn’t pick up.

 

I’ve been thinking to cut communications with her for a week or two since I want to give her some time to think. At the same time, it’s obvious that she still has feelings for her ex, but she still likes me a lot and I want to let her know that I’m not completely ignoring her since I know it’s easier for her to get back with her ex than to continue talking to me.

 

From this story, I have a few questions:

 

1. I like her a lot. What do you think I should do?

2. She mentioned she was on the pill right after Halloween, which was about when she said her and her ex started talking. God knows what they did. Should I ask her the real reason why she is on the pill?

Edited November 14, 2011 by so_cal_dude

[SingleinSouth]

It's no contact time! I don't know what happened to your resolve after you told her you understood what she was going through and had sympathy but....

 

You should have gone on to tell her that you are not angry with her, but that in order for the two of you to have contact again, she must be sure her relationship is over with on again/off again guy. Otherwise, it sounds like you could be wondering who her baby daddy is at some point in the future. She's just a girl and a confused girl at that. She's not the only available girl in the world and this drama is going to continue if you don't make it clear to her that your intention is not friends or back up guy. The best chance you have with her is to establish clear boundaries and stick to them.

[so_cal_dude]

It's no contact time! I don't know what happened to your resolve after you told her you understood what she was going through and had sympathy but....

 

You should have gone on to tell her that you are not angry with her, but that in order for the two of you to have contact again, she must be sure her relationship is over with on again/off again guy. Otherwise, it sounds like you could be wondering who her baby daddy is at some point in the future. She's just a girl and a confused girl at that. She's not the only available girl in the world and this drama is going to continue if you don't make it clear to her that your intention is not friends or back up guy. The best chance you have with her is to establish clear boundaries and stick to them.

 

Thanks for your input buddy. That was what I've been thinking too. She did say back in early October that she was not ready for a serious relationship, but now I am starting to doubt those words because she said during dinner after helping her move-in that she wanted to move on from her ex. That doesn’t seem to be the case now so I don’t know what to think.

 

What do girls mean when they say they're "talking" to their ex? I think something was a little fishy because she started being unresponsive since after Halloween and also when she went on the pill. My worst sense is making me think that she is sleeping with him again (that doesn’t matter to me though). I think that is something I should have clarified with her last Thursday.

 

I want to do what you just told me, but at the same time, I don't want to pressure her or force her for a decision. That's just going to push her away further and I know that’s not a good thing knowing that it’s easier for her to get back with her ex.

 

When would be the next time I should see her in-person and tell her what you just told me?

[ErgoStep]

The alternative is accept the idea that she's dating around.

 

What do you want from a relationship. Love, afirmation, witty company, and sex.

 

If you're not getting this from her, look around you for more women that can fulfill these needs in your life.

 

I'm not a fan of awkward conversations. In other words, I wouldn't dump her, I'd just stop talking to her. If things change you can just pick up where you left off.

 

It sounds like eventually you want a committed relationship. The usual reasons are kids/family, and a stable social life.

 

It takes work to find women. It's a life skill that a man needs.

[curlygirl40]

Oh my goodness. I feel like I just read a novel that I don't have the ending to.

 

I'm in my 40's so I'm not going to pretend that I know what you hip kids are doing aside from eating dinner long after I've gone to bed. lol

 

What I think is that she needs some space to know what she wants. As long as you don't give her that space she will be confused as to what she is going to do.

 

This is the problem with starting something before you've finished something. She clearly hadn't finished the situation with the X before you came in the picture. There are probably unresolved emotions on both sides and they need to figure out what they are going to do before she can move on.

 

Maybe make it clear to her that you would like to keep seeing her but tell her to let you know when she is really available and no longer tied to the X.

 

She certainly could be sleeping with the X, it's easy to fall back into those patterns I think, which is why you want to be sure it's over between them before you start something with her.

 

I think only time, distance and space will help her to know who she wants to be with.

 

Best of luck!

[so_cal_dude]

The alternative is accept the idea that she's dating around.

 

What do you want from a relationship. Love, afirmation, witty company, and sex.

 

If you're not getting this from her, look around you for more women that can fulfill these needs in your life.

 

I'm not a fan of awkward conversations. In other words, I wouldn't dump her, I'd just stop talking to her. If things change you can just pick up where you left off.

 

It sounds like eventually you want a committed relationship. The usual reasons are kids/family, and a stable social life.

 

It takes work to find women. It's a life skill that a man needs.

 

Wise words from a wise man. Eventually I want to have a committed relationship. At the same time, I want to take it slow with her and at the same time explore other options. I'd like to keep an open mind, but at the same time, I still very much like her.

 

She called me on Friday, but I didn't pick up. I called her on Saturday (no pick up) but she did reply (as mentioned previously in my previous post). She called again on Sunday, but that's all of the contact I had with her the past weekend. What makes it so much more complicated is that we already slept twice together and I know I haven't been "friend-zoned", but I have no idea what I am to her right now.

 

When is the time right to bring up this topic to her? I prefer we talk about it in-person. As I said before, I don't want to rush into things or pressure her.

 

Oh my goodness. I feel like I just read a novel that I don't have the ending to.

 

I'm in my 40's so I'm not going to pretend that I know what you hip kids are doing aside from eating dinner long after I've gone to bed. lol

 

What I think is that she needs some space to know what she wants. As long as you don't give her that space she will be confused as to what she is going to do.

 

This is the problem with starting something before you've finished something. She clearly hadn't finished the situation with the X before you came in the picture. There are probably unresolved emotions on both sides and they need to figure out what they are going to do before she can move on.

 

Maybe make it clear to her that you would like to keep seeing her but tell her to let you know when she is really available and no longer tied to the X.

 

She certainly could be sleeping with the X, it's easy to fall back into those patterns I think, which is why you want to be sure it's over between them before you start something with her.

 

I think only time, distance and space will help her to know who she wants to be with.

 

Best of luck!

 

I have no problem at all if she is sleeping with her ex as I know we aren't in an exclusive relationship and she is technically single.

 

What would be the best way to tell her what you just said and when would the best time be to tell her that?

[so_cal_dude]

Anyone?

[ErgoStep]

Oh goodness. If you have a DTR every five minutes she'll think you're desperate.

 

Stop worrying. It does not matter. There is nothing to clarify.

 

Just continue being your wonderful, attractive, pleasant self. She will appreciate your trust and confidence.

 

Forget all the details. Forget all the complications. It's all (non-monogamous) fun and games for now.

 

Maybe in a year or three, when you want family, you'll propose.

[so_cal_dude]

Oh goodness. If you have a DTR every five minutes she'll think you're desperate.

 

Stop worrying. It does not matter. There is nothing to clarify.

 

Just continue being your wonderful, attractive, pleasant self. She will appreciate your trust and confidence.

 

Forget all the details. Forget all the complications. It's all (non-monogamous) fun and games for now.

 

Maybe in a year or three, when you want family, you'll propose.

 

Sorry, what does DTR mean?

 

And when you mean be yourself, should i re-initiate conversation with her?

[AH1990]

I'd personally say just let her come to you. She knows what she did. Any guy in their right mind that hears those words 'I'm still talking to my ex', would run for the hill.

 

I had a girl try that on me. She was the one that came onto me and gave me her number. Mind you she was 3 years younger than me (Me: 21 Her:18). She tried that same crap on me. I just left when she told me. But I wasn't a dick to her at all.

 

'Give me a call when you figure everything out and what you want. Good luck with everything. See you around.'

 

Sure enough she came back in full force. But her head was still messed up.

 

 

My advice to you is just do your own thing. Don't worry about her, don't worry what she's doing, who she's with, how she's feeling etc. Don't ask her out! Let her come to you! Sure sounds like she was gaga over you, but her head isn't in the right place at the moment for her to commit. When she does start talking to you don't be a dick or an *********. Be exactly who you are! Be cordial but not needy! Don't call her all the time and reply to her messages within the next few minutes. I'd bet money that if you keep your distance, she will be back.

[so_cal_dude]

I'd personally say just let her come to you. She knows what she did. Any guy in their right mind that hears those words 'I'm still talking to my ex', would run for the hill.

 

I had a girl try that on me. She was the one that came onto me and gave me her number. Mind you she was 3 years younger than me (Me: 21 Her:18). She tried that same crap on me. I just left when she told me. But I wasn't a dick to her at all.

 

'Give me a call when you figure everything out and what you want. Good luck with everything. See you around.'

 

Sure enough she came back in full force. But her head was still messed up.

 

 

My advice to you is just do your own thing. Don't worry about her, don't worry what she's doing, who she's with, how she's feeling etc. Don't ask her out! Let her come to you! Sure sounds like she was gaga over you, but her head isn't in the right place at the moment for her to commit. When she does start talking to you don't be a dick or an *********. Be exactly who you are! Be cordial but not needy! Don't call her all the time and reply to her messages within the next few minutes. I'd bet money that if you keep your distance, she will be back.

 

Last Friday, she texted me at work asking, "are u still at work?" around 5pm and then called at 7pm. I didn't pick up or reply until Saturday. I called her once, but she didn’t pick up and just sent a text, saying “Sorry for the slow reply. Things got a little crazy. I just wanted to ask if you would like to join my friend’s tailgate for the Stanford game today. Let me know! ”

 

She replied four hours later saying, “Heya, sorry I just saw ur msg/call.” “My phone was on silent =/”. “Hope everythings alright, was thinkin bout u all of yday waiting to call you after work lol. “Facepalm.” “Anyways, what’s a tailgate? “Like at the back of the truck?”

 

I replied saying what a tailgate was and how she joked around about me being a traitor to my school (Berkeley). After that, I haven't spoken to her. Last Sunday, she called again, but I didn't pick up.

 

When I'm in this state of conversation, how would I tell her what you just told me? Through text? Through phone? Through in-person? When would that be?

 

 

I'd dump her because she is playing the field with her ex.

 

You don't have a commited relationship, but 'i'm on the pill' means that no condom.

I wouldn't stick my worst enemie's d*ck in her without one.

 

Oh, and 'i'm talking to her' could mean "keeping options open".

 

Did you mean, "I'm talking to him"?

 

I'm curious as to who approached who. I believe it was most likely her ex since she completely stopped talking about her ex during October when we were "dating". I'm guessing that when he came back to talk to her, her old feelings came back. It seems to me that she is having a really hard time choosing between him and me.

[AH1990]

Last Friday, she texted me at work asking, "are u still at work?" around 5pm and then called at 7pm. I didn't pick up or reply until Saturday. I called her once, but she didn’t pick up and just sent a text, saying “Sorry for the slow reply. Things got a little crazy. I just wanted to ask if you would like to join my friend’s tailgate for the Stanford game today. Let me know! ”

 

She replied four hours later saying, “Heya, sorry I just saw ur msg/call.” “My phone was on silent =/”. “Hope everythings alright, was thinkin bout u all of yday waiting to call you after work lol. “Facepalm.” “Anyways, what’s a tailgate? “Like at the back of the truck?”

 

I replied saying what a tailgate was and how she joked around about me being a traitor to my school (Berkeley). After that, I haven't spoken to her. Last Sunday, she called again, but I didn't pick up.

 

When I'm in this state of conversation, how would I tell her what you just told me? Through text? Through phone? Through in-person? When would that be?...........

 

 

Well I didn't bring it up randomly. We used to talk all day every day! Then I stopped talking to her one day (doesn't help we have BBM, you can see when the other person reads your message). She would text me one day, then nothing for 4 days, then texted me the next day, then on the day after that she called me out. Basically because I never even initiated the conversation at all. I just gave up and moved on. Like I said before, I let her come to me. She called me out, and I just told her why.

 

I told her in the nicest way I could: Your not worth my time. You know what I want, and I'm not getting it. I'm not being your friend. I'm not being your fun buddy. If and when you want this, let me know. But until then, good luck with everything.

 

Or if when you ask her out and she always says 'maybe', just say this:

'Sounds like you got a case of the maybe's......So maybe I'll see you around'

 

After that, don't reply, don't continue the conversation. Nothing! She knows what she did and now its her problem. She made her bed, now she can sleep in it.

[so_cal_dude]

Well I didn't bring it up randomly. We used to talk all day every day! Then I stopped talking to her one day (doesn't help we have BBM, you can see when the other person reads your message). She would text me one day, then nothing for 4 days, then texted me the next day, then on the day after that she called me out. Basically because I never even initiated the conversation at all. I just gave up and moved on. Like I said before, I let her come to me. She called me out, and I just told her why.

 

I told her in the nicest way I could: Your not worth my time. You know what I want, and I'm not getting it. I'm not being your friend. I'm not being your fun buddy. If and when you want this, let me know. But until then, good luck with everything.

 

Or if when you ask her out and she always says 'maybe', just say this:

'Sounds like you got a case of the maybe's......So maybe I'll see you around'

 

After that, don't reply, don't continue the conversation. Nothing! She knows what she did and now its her problem. She made her bed, now she can sleep in it.

 

Well since not talking to her on Sunday, she had sent a text yesterday. I didn't reply. Another text this morning at 7am:

 

"From snail mail to phone tag to ignoring me =/ lol. I'm guessing your quite busy with everything but I just wanted to see how u were and I hope u have fun with ur parents n cousins!! Let me know if u need any help or anything, I'm always heree =]"

[AH1990]

Well since not talking to her on Sunday, she had sent a text yesterday. I didn't reply. Another text this morning at 7am:

 

"From snail mail to phone tag to ignoring me =/ lol. I'm guessing your quite busy with everything but I just wanted to see how u were and I hope u have fun with ur parents n cousins!! Let me know if u need any help or anything, I'm always heree =]"

 

 

And it beings! Went through the same sorta messages before with that girl I was talking about. Don't reply! If you do, your getting closer to the friend zone bubble.

 

I started getting messages like this:

How was your weekend?

What did you do today?

What are you doing now?

What are you up to?

Who are you going out with?

How was going to the casino?

Howcome you don't talk to me anymore?

Seems like you don't wanna talk to me anymore?

Sorry for bothering you

Just trying to have a conversation with you

 

Me: Next week me and you are going to a movie together

Her: Maybe. I'll see. My week is pretty jammed packed.

Me:--------------No reply. That was the last straw for me. Any girl that even REMOTELY likes you will do ANYTHING she can do to spend time with you!!

Edited November 17, 2011 by AH1990

[so_cal_dude]

And it beings! Went through the same sorta messages before with that girl I was talking about. Don't reply! If you do, your getting closer to the friend zone bubble.

 

I started getting messages like this:

How was your weekend?

What did you do today?

What are you doing now?

What are you up to?

Who are you going out with?

How was going to the casino?

Howcome you don't talk to me anymore?

Seems like you don't wanna talk to me anymore?

Sorry for bothering you

Just trying to have a conversation with you

 

Me: Next week me and you are going to a movie together

Her: Maybe. I'll see. My week is pretty jammed packed.

Me:--------------No reply. That was the last straw for me. Any girl that even REMOTELY likes you will do ANYTHING she can do to spend time with you!!

 

"And it beings?" haha i didn't understand that part of your sentence

 

well since we already slept together..can she place me back in the friend zone??

[BeyondtheClouds]

"And it beings?" haha i didn't understand that part of your sentence

 

well since we already slept together..can she place me back in the friend zone??

 

Oh yes she can. It seems you two only see each other at night. You're a great meal ticket and a booty call. You might as well call yourself "At Your Cervix."

 

Tell me please, what makes this woman so hot that you can't find anyone else in SF area (with two major universities there and at your age......)

[AH1990]

"And it beings?" haha i didn't understand that part of your sentence

 

well since we already slept together..can she place me back in the friend zone??

 

Definitely! That's why you just have to ignore her and not play her games. Don't reply to her messages! Don't call her!

[Pierre]

Dude:

 

Why are you interested in this woman?

 

She is 20 and has been in a relationship and living with a guy for five years (since age 15). That is a huge red flag.

 

She has never been a single women and is still a child.

 

Like you said, she might be f****ing her ex or others. Why are you interested in this?

 

Walk away.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Pierre

[AH1990]

Dude:

 

Why are you interested in this woman.

 

She is 20 and has been in a relationship and living with a guy for five years (since age 15). That is a huge red flag.

 

She has never been a single women and is still a child.

 

Like you said, she might be f****ing her ex or others. Why are you interested in this?

 

Walk away.

 

My guess is love struck. I've been there before. Something about the girl I was seeing made me want her even more. Then I realized how toxic she was.

 

You might think your confused with a 20yr old. Try going out with an 18yr old that loves to party!

 

 

The reason why she keeps texting you is simple. She wants the attention. Your backing off now and she is scared she is going to lose you. You were like a dog on a leash to her, and now you ran away. And now she is baiting you with a treat (being sweet to you, asking how you are), to try and get you to come back.

[so_cal_dude]

Thanks for all your responses. Before I reply to your advice, I just want to let you know what happened since last Sunday after she called and I didn't pick up.

 

I replied to her text on Wednesday (the text that mentions she's always heree): "Hiii, sorry for the late reply. I've been pretty busy. Cousin and some friends from LA came up, celebrated a couple friends' birthdays, been going out with old college friends, and might be going to Vegas with my homies soon. anyways, hope things are well for u bud!"

 

She replied in 3 hours saying "Waa, sounds like ur having lots of fun when are u planning on goin to vegas? Lucianne asked me today if i wanna go to reno this weekend, hotels comped n all but what the hell is there to do in reno? Gamble n watch reno 911?"

 

40 minutes later, she texts, "And btw, 'bud', really now? Lol -_-"

 

 

Tell me please, what makes this woman so hot that you can't find anyone else in SF area (with two major universities there and at your age......)

 

I'm not going to type an essay, but I met quite a few girls over the past month and she is the only one I have been able to truly connect with; we have chemistry and everything feels natural. I do see a future relationship with her (although I don't mind a casual hookup either ), but at the same time, I don't want to rush her into another relationship. It's obvious that she has feelings for me, but she needs to have some closure with her ex (I'm not sure what she meant by "talking"). It seems as if she only has had one major/serious relationship in her lifetime with her being with her ex for 4-5 years.

 

When do you think is the right time to ask where she sees her relationship with her ex is going and what she wants from me? I want to push for a solution, but others have mentioned to let her come to me. I would wait a bit, but I am not going to be the hopeless romantic and wait for her forever. What are your thoughts? Greatly appreciated bro.

 

 

Definitely! That's why you just have to ignore her and not play her games. Don't reply to her messages! Don't call her!

 

I've been doing that (with exception of this week). I want to let her know that I am interested, but not too available for her until she really wants to see me in-person again. The point is to give her mixed messages to drive her crazy for me. This has worked in the past for me (hence it got me laid with her), but do you think it'll work again?

[khele2k]

Dude,

 

You need to start seeing other girls. This girl's hung up on her ex and the only way she'll even consider moving on is if she sees you with somebody else. The answer to a girl giving you mixed signals is always to make her jealous.

 

Plus worst-case you've got a new girl you may like better anyway. Just be careful no to really hurt her.

[AH1990]

Your doing EXACTLY what you should be doing. Keeping it light and keeping her guessing. You saying 'bud' was really smart. She thinks she is losing you and her reply to that message stated that she still has something for you. She's obviously still interested in you and keeps trying to keep the conversation going. Your doing good so far. But don't bring ANYTHING up with her! Let her talk to you first! If you do end up bringing it up, you could destroy all the progress you have made so far.

 

 

Keep it going! Your on the right track!

[so_cal_dude]

Well since not talking to her on Sunday, she had sent a text yesterday. I didn't reply. Another text this morning at 7am:

 

"From snail mail to phone tag to ignoring me =/ lol. I'm guessing your quite busy with everything but I just wanted to see how u were and I hope u have fun with ur parents n cousins!! Let me know if u need any help or anything, I'm always heree =]"

 

Your doing EXACTLY what you should be doing. Keeping it light and keeping her guessing. You saying 'bud' was really smart. She thinks she is losing you and her reply to that message stated that she still has something for you. She's obviously still interested in you and keeps trying to keep the conversation going. Your doing good so far. But don't bring ANYTHING up with her! Let her talk to you first! If you do end up bringing it up, you could destroy all the progress you have made so far.

 

 

Keep it going! Your on the right track!

 

Hi guys - just wanted to update everybody after my most recent post:

 

She had told me she was going to New York (Nov 23-28) for Thanksgiving the same week as I sent the "bud" text. On November 19, I asked her to go out for dinner and clubbing with a few friends, but she said she was busy going to another club. However, she replied later during the night, "Hmmm...Lol are you gonna be in sf tomo evening or Monday by any chancee?" I replied "Not sure yet. Why?" She replied, "no reason =P, lemme know if you do! Well sorry I can.t come tonight have fun though!! X". I replied, I'll be there tonight grabbing dinner and drinks with some friends and she replied, "Okay well gimme a call when ur free".

 

So I met up with her on November 20 at her place during the night. She says she misses me and really wanted to see me before she went to New York. We slept together again that night. When she was in New York, she sent many text messages (at least 3x more than me) and mentioned that she misses me and wishes I was there with her. When she came back to San Francisco on November 28, I surprised her at the airport and picked her up. She was really happy to see me.

 

Ever since then we have been talking much more. Last Friday (December 2), she stayed over at my place until Tuesday (December 6). Had lots of sex and good times. However, after coming back to work on Monday (December 5), she seemed really stressed out. I asked her what was wrong and she said her ex had called her and sounded really angry. He kept asking her where she was and she said she was at home, but she didn't want to tell him she was at my place. He asked why are your lights off and she then replied immediately saying she was at a friend's place. After, he asked where did her friend live. She replied "I don't know". Anyways he said he needed to tell her something very urgent and it was really really important that he meet her so I dropped her off at the San Mateo caltrain. She stayed over at her place in Berkeley. Before leaving, she promised me that nothing will happen and she didn't want to do it anyways in the first place and that she would sleep on the couch. She texted me 15 text messages throughout the night (3am and 5am) making sure everything was okay and to assure me.

 

On Tuesday, I asked her what happened. She said that her ex wanted to get back with her. I asked what does she want and she said that I don't want to get back with him. I then asked how sure she was and she replied "Pretty sure". I clarified and asked what do you mean by "pretty sure?" She says she doesn't know what she wants, but knows that she doesn't want a relationship with him. I told her, "All I want for you is to be happy" and she replied that I make her happy. She says she wants to be friends with him, but her ex wants to either be together or not talk at all. I was pretty happy with this outcome (although I prefer her not to talk to him at all).

 

I came over again to her apartment in San Francisco on Wednesday. Slept again together. I asked her what she was doing on Thursday and she said she was having a birthday dinner with a friend. I happened to see on Facebook that it was her ex's birthday. I have a strong feeling that it was an 1-on-1 dinner. I told her what she was doing after since I'll be around in the area and offered a ride back home, but she said "oh thats sweet of u bt don't worry we're going somewhere else after dinner" so I'm going to guess that she stayed over at his place. Do note that her actions on Thursday is all based off assumption and I'm not sure if it is true, but I have a gut feeling this happened.

 

This weekend she has been replying to me although she doesn't seem to be willing to hang out like what happened like weekend. Thoughts/opinions?

 

What should I do guys?

Edited December 11, 2011 by so_cal_dude

[AH1990]

She's all over the place!

 

You somewhat listened to our advice on here and somewhat didn't. You need to back off. Don't ask her out anymore!!!!

 

This is the part that stuck out the most: her answer to you asking if she wanted to get back together with him was NOT a definite NO!! I'm sorry, but 'pretty sure' might as well have been a yes.

 

All you need to say to her is this:

 

'Hey, I understand that you are having troubles with you ex, but I don't want to be a back-up plan to you or a plan b. Why don't you give me a call when you have everything figured out and we can go from there. Until then, good luck with everything, see yah around.'

 

She's back and forth between you and her ex. There is still some lingering feelings there between the two of them. She's obviously hiding it from you because she knows that if you find out, your gone! Which is what you should be doing.

 

 

I'll give you an update of my own: you remember the girl that I was telling you about? The one that was doing the same $hit with me that the girl your talking about was? Yeah, well, she's slowly starting to weasel her way back in to my life. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. I haven't talked to her in over 3 weeks, and just this past Thursday she texted me. Asking me what time the hookah bar was open till (this was our first date, a place nobody has ever took her too, and she loved it). My reply, pretty nonchalant, telling her when it was open till and giving her the number, telling her to call. Since then, no other texts from me. Why would I invest my time in someone who can't even give me a little bit of theirs?

 

 

Best advice I can give you: Send that text, or call her, your choice. Then BACK OFF! Do not text her! Do not ask her out! Do not tell her you're in the area and ask her to come out! Do NOTHING!!!! Less is more!

 

Let me repeat that: DO NOTHING!!!

 

Your investing way too much in this girl. More than what she is reciprocating. She should be mirroring your actions, and she isn't. Right now your doing ALL the work. Her little 'cute' texts and trying to check in on you are her way of keeping you around.

[so_cal_dude]

She's all over the place!

 

You somewhat listened to our advice on here and somewhat didn't. You need to back off. Don't ask her out anymore!!!!

 

This is the part that stuck out the most: her answer to you asking if she wanted to get back together with him was NOT a definite NO!! I'm sorry, but 'pretty sure' might as well have been a yes.

 

All you need to say to her is this:

 

'Hey, I understand that you are having troubles with you ex, but I don't want to be a back-up plan to you or a plan b. Why don't you give me a call when you have everything figured out and we can go from there. Until then, good luck with everything, see yah around.'

 

She's back and forth between you and her ex. There is still some lingering feelings there between the two of them. She's obviously hiding it from you because she knows that if you find out, your gone! Which is what you should be doing.

 

 

I'll give you an update of my own: you remember the girl that I was telling you about? The one that was doing the same $hit with me that the girl your talking about was? Yeah, well, she's slowly starting to weasel her way back in to my life. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. I haven't talked to her in over 3 weeks, and just this past Thursday she texted me. Asking me what time the hookah bar was open till (this was our first date, a place nobody has ever took her too, and she loved it). My reply, pretty nonchalant, telling her when it was open till and giving her the number, telling her to call. Since then, no other texts from me. Why would I invest my time in someone who can't even give me a little bit of theirs?

 

 

Best advice I can give you: Send that text, or call her, your choice. Then BACK OFF! Do not text her! Do not ask her out! Do not tell her you're in the area and ask her to come out! Do NOTHING!!!! Less is more!

 

Let me repeat that: DO NOTHING!!!

 

Your investing way too much in this girl. More than what she is reciprocating. She should be mirroring your actions, and she isn't. Right now your doing ALL the work. Her little 'cute' texts and trying to check in on you are her way of keeping you around.

 

I will follow your advice. However, I am still unsure about what happened on Thursday (I don't know for sure if it was a 1-on-1 dinner and if she stayed over at his place and on his bed vs. couch - ultimately if they had sex). Does it matter at this point though?

 

Anyways, I would prefer to have a full conversation with her about how my concerns before I text/call her the message you've suggested so I can get her opinion too. There are multiple reasons in hearing her out.

 

She's leaving for Asia next Saturday and won't be back for a month. There is a possibility that her ex is going to be in the same city since they are both from Malaysia and on winter break from school. This Saturday (after asking if she wants to go out with my friends, but she said she was busy with a school project <-- not sure if this is an excuse to see her ex), I asked her if I will see her today (Sunday) and she said hopefully. I was like "okay whatever" in my mind, but she said that she will see me soon before she leaves. What also confuses me is that multiple times last week, she kept mentioning about doing stuff together once she's back from Asia.

 

Would that time I meet up with her be the best time to bring this topic up? What do you think?

Edited December 11, 2011 by so_cal_dude