Another chance for my ex-wife and I?

[CameraEye]

My ex-wife and I (both 48) divorced in August after 28 years of being together (3 dating, 25 married). I was caught cheating on her in December. After four months of separation, she decided that she wanted a divorce. There was no marriage counseling - I was willing to do it, but she didn't want it yet went through a divorce recovery class before we even filed for divorce. We both realized we had our faults that led to the breakdown - my workaholic schedule and my addiction to porn; her lack of communication and co-dependency issues she had - yet we never had any knock-down-drag-out arguments during our marriage. She told me during our separation that she had become unhappy in the marriage. I just wish she would've opened up and told me she was unhappy.

 

Anyway, we had an amicable, no-fault divorce. We both retained co-ownership of our home, though she will live there until our daughter finishes her master's in college (another four years) then we sell and split it 50-50. I signed over to her 27 acres of property where we kept her horses.

 

It seemed we were prepared to go our own ways, even though we keep in touch because of our kids (daughter who's 21 and our son who's 22; he lives with me and has faced some legal issues). But in the past month and a half, it seems we're having more contact than your average divorced couple:

 

-We still go to the same church and we stop to talk when we're around each other. I'm rebuilding my life to eliminate the porn addiction, including getting involved in Celebrate Recovery. I think the ex would benefit from CR, but she's very prideful and doesn't want to admit she has a weakness like that.

-She's still listed as "married" on her Facebook page. Some people have told me they couldn't wait to change their marital status on FB once the divorce was final. And we're still FB friends, and our families are still cordial to each other in person and on FB.

-In late September, I thought I would ask her out for a dinner and movie, and she accepted. We had a pleasant time. Since then we've taken a one-day afternoon-evening trip about a hundred miles away for dinner and a concert (returning home that night, and she let me sleep on the couch at our home).

-I began taking ballroom dancing lessons soon after the divorce, then remembered the ex had mentioned years ago she wanted to take dance lessons. I invited her to one of the weekly beginner dance classes on Monday nights; she was torn between going to the fall session of divorce recovery classes or taking the dance lessons; she chose the dancing.

-I visit the house on occasion to do some work, and if I'm there long enough she offers dinner to me, which I gladly accept. The ex is a great cook.

-Our wedding photos are still on the walls of our bedroom and the family photos I'm in are still on the hallway wall.

-Our relations is still cordial. Since we started hanging out with each other we've hugged only once and haven't held hands. We never argue nor do we talk about where our marriage went wrong or where our relationship is going. It seems we purposely focus on the moment at hand.

 

I'd like to think that maybe there's still something there between us. I don't want to force her or push her to take me back in, but I'm willing to be as patient as I can be to let her decide if she wants to reconcile. I want to do everything I can to assure her she can trust me. Or are we (or is it just me) in denial that it's really over?

 

I'd like to know what you think. Is reconciliation possible?

Edited November 15, 2011 by CameraEye

[nu464]

Hi, I would like to suggest you take things at a slow pace and try to rediscover what it was that made you want to marry her.

Perhaps you could go out together as a couple and attempt to rekindle any feelings that you may still have.

If that doesn't work then I think you will know the answer yourself.

Life is to short to make such a wrong decision about your futures so hopefully this time you'll do what is best not just for her but you also. Best Wishes.

[chados]

my girlfriend also told me she was unhappy when it was to late, or i did the wrong things to fix it, im also trying to get her back, and in my case i believe there's a change, but what do i know? you cant really know whats on her mind. thats why i also try to ask people, just because i hope that someone will come along and say, go for it dude. kinda makes you feel better for the moment.

 

we all want to know that we are loved for who we are. and by watching porn and cheating on her would make her unloved. i also feel like woman need to know that they are beautiful in your eyes. not saying men don't want this, but guys say things like, she's out of my league. and accept it. girls don't wanna feel that your out of their league, then they cant feel appreciated. i've been asked this several times, probably you to. do you think this dress is nice? is my hair okay? they even asks you to help them choose what to wear.

 

one time my ex even said, you don't have a beautiful girlfriend. then i didn't say, yes you are. i said you are the most beautiful girl to me, because i wanted her to feel the best she could.

 

you have to show her that she's the only girl you love, and that she's the most beautiful person in your eyes. and i also wanna say this. people sometimes gets back to a person they shouldn't be together with, because sometimes you rather stay unhappy then alone. and with kids involved it could be a very hard decision. but from what i've read, i do believe there's a chance. but always remind yourself to not take her for granted

[AlexisMacabre]

from what i read you two have a great friendship and a great relationship, i agree that you should just take each day as it goes and make the best out of the times you two have together, who knows maybe you guys will start dating again and then maybe that will lead to a second wedding lol :]

i wish you nothing but the best of luck!

[CameraEye]

My wife and daughter have been on a cruise since Saturday. Coming back in on Thursday. I'm going to the family house tonight (Tuesday) to do some work, and maybe sleep in my bed for the first time in almost a year.

 

I plan to write for her updating some family matters (like our son's legal issues), and to tell her I put the Christmas decorations boxes in the extra bedroom. I wish I can write to her saying how much I'd like to reconcile with her, but I must remember 'Fast is Slow, Slow is fast." Don't want to rush things. But, I will ask if she'd like to go to a Christmas play at a church the next weekend and then the ballroom dance club monthly Saturday dance. I might write if she wanted to talk about things, like her trip and a church trip I went on, then she can call me - but if not I'll see her Monday, the 28th at dance class.

[chados]

My wife and daughter have been on a cruise since Saturday. Coming back in on Thursday. I'm going to the family house tonight (Tuesday) to do some work, and maybe sleep in my bed for the first time in almost a year.

 

I plan to write for her updating some family matters (like our son's legal issues), and to tell her I put the Christmas decorations boxes in the extra bedroom. I wish I can write to her saying how much I'd like to reconcile with her, but I must remember 'Fast is Slow, Slow is fast." Don't want to rush things. But, I will ask if she'd like to go to a Christmas play at a church the next weekend and then the ballroom dance club monthly Saturday dance. I might write if she wanted to talk about things, like her trip and a church trip I went on, then she can call me - but if not I'll see her Monday, the 28th at dance class.

 

 

exactly, just take it slow, and remember to show appreciation. wish you the best

[ChelseaLS]

I am curious as the reasons surrounding you cheating on her. A one time mistake? Do you think she would be able to trust you again?

[CM2009]

My advice is take it slow, one day at a time and please don't force to make a decision. Try to just enjoy each others company with no pressure. I hope this will lead to a second marriage for u two!!!

[sardeen]

I am not a hundred percent sure why you slept with another woman though. I guess it is implied that your porn addiction had something to do with it, but you did not really specify.

 

Are you seeking something in the bedroom that she is not providing? There has to be a reason you cheated on her and that was not mentioned.

 

If you do not address that issue, there is a chance you will do that again.

 

You need to talk to her about why you did that and you also need for her to communicate to you why she felt so unhappy, at least that is what it seems to me.

[CameraEye]

Chelsea and Sardeen,

 

My involvement with the other woman was spurred on by my selfish desire to act out sexual fantasies I viewed and read about in porn. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but at the same time I was finally acting out things I wanted to do.

 

My wife also allowed me to act out on her, but she told me after the separation that she did it only to please me and thought I was trying to turn her into a whore. Not once did she speak up during our marriage that she felt that way nor did she say she was unhappy in the marriage, which she also stated after our split. I did tell her why I had the affair and asked her why she felt so unhappy. It was more than the sex; she felt alone because I was putting in too many hours at work or falling asleep on the couch instead of coming to bed.

 

I have sought help for my porn addiction and sexual behavior. I've been to sex and spiritual counseling, and like I mentioned earlier, I'm going through CR. I don't look or read porn anymore, but I've got some mental images burned into my brain that have been very hard to shake off.

 

It's been a month since the last time we went out together. Our dance club is having a dance party Dec. 10 and also a New Year's Eve get-together. I'm calling in about an hour to ask if she wants to go to them.

[EgoJoe]

How does she look at you when you make eye contact?

[sardeen]

Chelsea and Sardeen,

 

My involvement with the other woman was spurred on by my selfish desire to act out sexual fantasies I viewed and read about in porn. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but at the same time I was finally acting out things I wanted to do.

 

My wife also allowed me to act out on her, but she told me after the separation that she did it only to please me and thought I was trying to turn her into a whore. Not once did she speak up during our marriage that she felt that way nor did she say she was unhappy in the marriage, which she also stated after our split. I did tell her why I had the affair and asked her why she felt so unhappy. It was more than the sex; she felt alone because I was putting in too many hours at work or falling asleep on the couch instead of coming to bed.

 

I have sought help for my porn addiction and sexual behavior. I've been to sex and spiritual counseling, and like I mentioned earlier, I'm going through CR. I don't look or read porn anymore, but I've got some mental images burned into my brain that have been very hard to shake off.

 

It's been a month since the last time we went out together. Our dance club is having a dance party Dec. 10 and also a New Year's Eve get-together. I'm calling in about an hour to ask if she wants to go to them.

 

That is a tricky situation.

 

The good thing is that you are getting help though and realize what you did was wrong, but it does not change what you did.

 

The two of you are still in contact and thats good.

 

I really wish I could add more, but I am much younger and just lost my first love.

 

All I can do is wish you well and hope you remember how your actions affect people before making irresponsible decisions.

 

Good luck on your journey!