never forget

[sali]

I am living with the my bf love him but things i think are not going so well. before 4 month my bf had been for some days with another women (what ever the reaseon) after he came he fehlt sorry and we came together.

 

between me and my bf is everything ok, but the probleme is i can't forget it wenn ever we are together i see him with the woman togehter and start hating him for the moment.

 

i can't deal with it, so what can i do???? please help me how can you solve such problemes, so that i stop thinking or worrying for that???

[Tony T]

This isn't something other people can help you with. You have to do all the work. Your only choice is to forgive him, forget the entire matter as if it never happened and both of you must recommit to making your relationship work.

 

It would also very wise to discuss with him why this happened. If he is getting everything he needs in his relationship with you, there is no need for him to wander.

 

But people do make mistakes sometimes. Everybody is human and humans are not perfect.

 

If you are unable to forgive him, forget and move on within a reasonable amount of time, you will have to do what your own heart says you must do.

[sali]

you know the time he was with another woman, we had broken up our relationship. it was over between us, but we were still in the same house. He told me, he fehlt alone, and he didn't make sex with her. and this is true i know 100%.

 

but the probleme is wenn ever he stays on work or his phone is busy i think he talks with her or he is looking another woman, i can't thrust him. snooping his mail his phone

 

you know this is not normal and before he did that i wasn't like this. everything changed after he did that.

 

so even if i forget how can i thrust him again. i realy

 

doesn't like it, what he did this is not my way of or thinking of life, tony..

[Tony T]

Again, you are the only one who can make a decision to trust. Now, if he did this when he wasn't seeing you, you really have no place to complain. At least he was honest with you, although I think he made a mistake in doing that. If he was not seeing you, what he did at that time was no ones else's business.

 

So give him credit for being honest, although I question what his motive was in disclosing this to you.

 

Again, if you cannot let this go and stop putting yourself through all this head stuff, i strongly urge you do leave him and find someone with whom you can start over fresh. He does not deserve to have someone with him who does not trust him.

[sali]

i know tony , we were not at that time together, but we lived in the same room and slept in the same bed with out having any love play. so i think i feel that he betrayed me, even if we break the relationship.

you know i think he will do it again, because he thinks i'll forgive him each time wenn he did a mistake, once you forgive somebody i think you are giving this person the permission to do anything. don't you think????????

[Tony T]

You make a pretty good argument for leaving him. He may do it again and he may not. There is no way to tell. Will you ever be able to trust any other man anywhere? Is your life with men over?

 

You seem to resist any attempt on my part to try to restore your trust in this man so JUST LEAVE HIM!!!

 

May others in the forum can give more workable alternatives than myself. People are always wanting some sort of magic potion that will restore their trust in someone and there just isn't any. Trust is very similar to virginity...extremely difficult to get back once compromised.

[Paulie]

WE CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!!!!

 

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE!!

 

Make a decision to go either way, and then stick to it. If YOU feel it's worth it, discuss it, forgive him, and never go there again. If you can't drop it, leave him, and don't look back.

 

WE CAN'T DECIDE FOR YOU!!

 

Life's complicated sometimes, isn't it?

[Deejette]

If you decide to stay with him, you need to let him know about how you feel and your lack of trust of him. You need to get to a place within yourself where you can say, "I'm 'all that,' and no one can take my place." He has chosen to be with you, and not the other girl, so that is telling you something.

 

Also, just as you have forgiven yourself for mistakes you made in the past, you need to forgive him. Haven't you made mistakes and never repeated them again? Forgiving doesn't mean that the forgiven people can keep on with bad behavior. It is saying that what is past is over and you are giving them a chance to show you that they will not do it again.

You make a pretty good argument for leaving him. He may do it again and he may not. There is no way to tell. Will you ever be able to trust any other man anywhere? Is your life with men over? You seem to resist any attempt on my part to try to restore your trust in this man so JUST LEAVE HIM!!! May others in the forum can give more workable alternatives than myself. People are always wanting some sort of magic potion that will restore their trust in someone and there just isn't any. Trust is very similar to virginity...extremely difficult to get back once compromised.

[Jenna]

Forgiving someone is not the same as excusing what they did. Its a gesture from one person to another saying "I understand you are not perfect, I believe that you did not intend to hurt me, I accept your word that you will not do it again."

 

There is some responsibility that goes along with forgivness- for both people involved.

 

You have a responsibility to move on in a positive direction as well as a responsibility to refrain from using the matter as ammunition in future disputes.

 

The other has a responsibility to accept the forgivness and vow to never make the same mistake again.

 

If you aren't willing to hold up your end of the bargain- then don't offer forgiveness- for it is not a free pass to administer a lifetime of "pay-back."

 

And one other thing- if two people are truly broken-up, in other words- you both have agreed that the relationship is over- why on Earth are you still in the same house- much less the SAME BED?!?!?! That is crazy!! You will never be able to have closure if you continue this bizarre method of "breaking-up." I think you mentioned finances as an excuse- thats bologna!! Get a job- or a second job- cut back on expenses- get government assistance- get a loan- but what ever you do- GET OUT!!!

 

I hope you are able to move past this- because if you don't -it will continue to eat at you until there is nothing left. Good Luck- Jenna

If you decide to stay with him, you need to let him know about how you feel and your lack of trust of him. You need to get to a place within yourself where you can say, "I'm 'all that,' and no one can take my place." He has chosen to be with you, and not the other girl, so that is telling you something. Also, just as you have forgiven yourself for mistakes you made in the past, you need to forgive him. Haven't you made mistakes and never repeated them again? Forgiving doesn't mean that the forgiven people can keep on with bad behavior. It is saying that what is past is over and you are giving them a chance to show you that they will not do it again.