Need With This

[tameramae]

That's weird...I said "Need Help With This" in the title but part was edited out...

 

Anyway.....

 

I have found myself in a bad situation and cannot figure out how to get my head out of this now.

I got close to someone who is married and then one day he tells me that he loves me but he can't be with me. Of course he can't and I didn't want anything like that to happen. It didn't stop me from feeling some serious pain though as I had gotten very close to him emotionally and also his children.

I see his entire family on a regular basis.

I was very angry with him for telling me he loved me to begin with...if he hadn't done that I don't think I would feel this bad now.

i never told him I had feelings for him but I did and still do and I hate that I do.

Also, he was the one who seduced me to begin with and it seemed as though he continued to court me for months after that.

 

There were times when I simply stopped talking to him and ignored him but he lured me back in and I once again found him appearing certain places..with his children nonetheless, whom I have grown very close to.

So then one day he says he can't stop thinking about me, he loves me , etc etc but is determined to get over his feelings for me.

That was that but now there is a problem.

 

I have to see him (and his family) about 3 times a week as a part of my job and it is hell on earth. I already cannot stop thinking about him as it is and I feel this heartbreak from this that is causing me severe depression....not to mention the humiliation i feel for even getting involved in this and letting this happen. No nothing intimate ever took place between us at all. And I told him I didn't love him but the truth is is that I do. I would never be with someone who was married but I know I got too close.

 

Sometimes when I see him he still comes around and stands close to me, tells me that I look pretty etc and other times he treats me like I do not exist. At all times I will move away as soon as possible and I respond as little as possible as well. I really and truly want these feelings to go away and I do everything I can to make this happen. It is so painful for me especially when I see him and his family together. I can barely hold it together. Every time I see him I cry for a few hours after and have this feeling in my chest like something is crushing me.

 

I also have to talk to him about things that we are associated with and it makes me so sad when he calls about something and I hear his voice on my mailbox. I simply refuse to call him back so I don't have to talk and I will text instead. Sometimes he won't text back and while I know this is good it still crushes me.

 

I am seeing a therapist and have been feeling so determined to get over this and sometimes I feel close but then I have to see this person again and I am back to the beginning. I have tried to meet other people, exercise, take up new hobbies etc etc Nothing works. I can't concentrate on anything at all anymore.

 

Is there any way I can still get rid of these feelings while still having to see him and talk to him? I realize that this is all bad and unhealthy etc etc but I cannot seem to make this go away. I just want this pain to go away. I want to be able to look at his guy, think about this guy and not care about him like this anymore. It has overtaken me and is just making my life miserable. I am not usually this weak of a person.

 

Thank you in advance for your help.

Edited November 15, 2011 by tameramae

[spice4life]

Do you have to see him an his family? Is there any way you can change it so you don't have to see them? If it's work can you change jobs? If it's activities can you switch to something different?

 

The thing is, you do have the power to change if you want to, but you have to get yourself to a place where you actually see that you can.

[tameramae]

Do you have to see him an his family? Is there any way you can change it so you don't have to see them? If it's work can you change jobs? If it's activities can you switch to something different?

 

The thing is, you do have the power to change if you want to, but you have to get yourself to a place where you actually see that you can.

 

Thank you for your response....

 

Yes this is a new job I have and I have to see them....this is one of the best jobs I have ever had in my life and other than this I love it so much. It's a very unusual job and was very very hard to get. I had been unemployed for years before this.

 

I make every attempt known to man to minimize my contact with him. It's not so bad when I just see him from afar etc. But when he is in the vicinity and talking around me it is extremely hard. I actually start to panic and feel deeply depressed.

 

I guess I thought that if I just kept my distance everything would start to fade out and eventually I would feel nothing.

[spice4life]

I understand the feeling of panic, I would probably feel the same if I were in your shoes. I could not imagine having to see him with his family feeling the way you do about him. It must be awful. The truth is that you need to see the truth about him. It is very selfish and unfair of him to put you in that situation to begin with if there is no chance for the two of you be together. If he really cared, he wouldn't. If he cared, he would respect your boundaries and not try to suck back in so he can have his cake and eat it too. You also need to own your part in this because you allow him to over step those boundaries with you. You can control that by telling him out right to knock it off and respect your right to let this all go.

 

He is being selfish, but you need to look within to figure out why you allow your boundaries to be disrespected. That is your issue and not his. Figure that out and you will be able to begin the process of finally moving past this and the feelings will begin to fade. Understanding your "inner" motives will empower you to set proper boundaries and that in itself will liberate you from this situation.

[whichwayisup]

You obviously have had feelings for him first, or for a long time. Please stop putting all the blame on him. You let yourself 'let close' to a married man. And you know his wife and children.. That isn't all his fault.

 

Sure it was stupid of him to tell you how he felt, but let me ask, has there been flirting and touching moments between you two? Have you two crossed the lines without saying words?

 

This is a mess and all you can do now is detach and make yourself get over him. What's the point of having feelings for someone who has no plans of leaving his wife and family?

 

How long were you working with him before you started having feelings for him?

[tameramae]

I understand the feeling of panic, I would probably feel the same if I were in your shoes. I could not imagine having to see him with his family feeling the way you do about him. It must be awful. The truth is that you need to see the truth about him. It is very selfish and unfair of him to put you in that situation to begin with if there is no chance for the two of you be together. If he really cared, he wouldn't. If he cared, he would respect your boundaries and not try to suck back in so he can have his cake and eat it too. You also need to own your part in this because you allow him to over step those boundaries with you. You can control that by telling him out right to knock it off and respect your right to let this all go.

 

He is being selfish, but you need to look within to figure out why you allow your boundaries to be disrespected. That is your issue and not his. Figure that out and you will be able to begin the process of finally moving past this and the feelings will begin to fade. Understanding your "inner" motives will empower you to set proper boundaries and that in itself will liberate you from this situation.

 

HI Spice....yes you are absolutely right....and I do take responsibility for my part...I know that I let things go too far....I am recently divorced and have been in a pretty bad place before I got this job. Things were looking up but I still struggle and feel pretty lonely most of the time. I know that I have been kind of vulnerable lately.

[tameramae]

You obviously have had feelings for him first, or for a long time. Please stop putting all the blame on him. You let yourself 'let close' to a married man. And you know his wife and children.. That isn't all his fault.

 

Sure it was stupid of him to tell you how he felt, but let me ask, has there been flirting and touching moments between you two? Have you two crossed the lines without saying words?

 

This is a mess and all you can do now is detach and make yourself get over him. What's the point of having feelings for someone who has no plans of leaving his wife and family?

 

How long were you working with him before you started having feelings for him?

 

No I was not the one who had feelings for him first. Why is this "obvious"? That is not the case at all.

I not only did not have feelings for him first but I didn't even know who he was until he started this courting behavior with me. I had seen him many times and thought nothing of it. Nothing. What purpose would I have for misconstruing this on an anonymous forum?

 

I am not putting all the blame on him. I know that I let this happen and I fell in love with the guy...but jeez...woman are not always the ones to seduce men ok? And sometimes things happen. I try to be good, eat well, stay out of trouble and save the planet but I'm not Christ.

 

And to answer your other questions.....there was no touching or flirting (on my part) until after I fell in love with the guy...and even then it was minimal. It happens sometimes. There were times when he did these things to me at first before I fell for him and actually it was some of those moments that I found myself getting closer of course...ie: putting his arm around me in a "friendly" sort if way, staring at me, etc.

 

Your other question....I had known him and been around him for about 8 months before I realized that I had feelings for him but from what I know now he has had feelings for me since before that time.

 

And lastly.....of course there is no point to loving someone who cannot be with you. If it were that easy to shut off I'd have already moved on from this fiasco. But this is not the case and is the reason that I need and am asking for support.

Edited November 15, 2011 by tameramae

[frozensprouts]

here is the thing...

 

you say that you acknowledge your role, but you still keep putting it all on him...I've often heard it said that a woman can't seduce a man who doesn't want to be seduced- the same goes for women... putting all the balme on him isn't going to help you...it gives him the power in this situation that you need to keep for yourself. If you don't like his advances or his words, tell him. tell him that you want to kep your relationship professional, if he touches you in a way that's not appropriate, say no and ask him to stop.

 

you are not helpless here...take your power back and use it to help yourself get over this guy and find some peace in your life....you'll be glad you did:)

[Ruby_shoes]

Temera, the problem here is your continued contact although if you have a once in a lifetime job I can see why you want to keep it! So, have you said to this man he is not to contact you about anything other than work business? Maybe he will then minimise contact with you a bit more? Also, since he developed feelings first - why are you now attracted back - if it's reciprocation and you didn't have feelings for him until he had feelings for you maybe you're not attracted to him like you think, maybe you're enticed by the situation, feeling liked and wanted? It's a very powerful thing to feel wanted and needed and moreso in a forbidden way. Is this possibly why you're reacting to it now? If so maybe you have a low self-esteem or want to be needed more?

 

It's a sad thing when what could be great friendships are lost due to overstepping boundries but many (myself included) were not aware EA's existed before deep in one. It's a slippery slope and it only causes pain. You can pull it right back in though, tell him it's absolutely innapropriate for him to behave this way and when you are over him it will be easier to deal with him. There's nothing deader than a dead love!

 

You're in a place where you can pull right back and take control. Him saying he loves you but can't be with you was at best naive and at worst cruel. When he said that he took control, he presented you with information concerning the two of you and told you how he was going to deal with it, you're thoughts were not important to him. You can take the control back by feeling powerful in yourself and less at his mercy, make it clear to him you're not an option and never were, I read once 'Affairs start in the head'. How true! So just be careful you don't make him out to be more than he is and remember his true colours. He is a confused man, not a strong man!

 

Good luck

[tameramae]

Temera, the problem here is your continued contact although if you have a once in a lifetime job I can see why you want to keep it! So, have you said to this man he is not to contact you about anything other than work business? Maybe he will then minimise contact with you a bit more? Also, since he developed feelings first - why are you now attracted back - if it's reciprocation and you didn't have feelings for him until he had feelings for you maybe you're not attracted to him like you think, maybe you're enticed by the situation, feeling liked and wanted? It's a very powerful thing to feel wanted and needed and moreso in a forbidden way. Is this possibly why you're reacting to it now? If so maybe you have a low self-esteem or want to be needed more?

 

It's a sad thing when what could be great friendships are lost due to overstepping boundries but many (myself included) were not aware EA's existed before deep in one. It's a slippery slope and it only causes pain. You can pull it right back in though, tell him it's absolutely innapropriate for him to behave this way and when you are over him it will be easier to deal with him. There's nothing deader than a dead love!

 

You're in a place where you can pull right back and take control. Him saying he loves you but can't be with you was at best naive and at worst cruel. When he said that he took control, he presented you with information concerning the two of you and told you how he was going to deal with it, you're thoughts were not important to him. You can take the control back by feeling powerful in yourself and less at his mercy, make it clear to him you're not an option and never were, I read once 'Affairs start in the head'. How true! So just be careful you don't make him out to be more than he is and remember his true colours. He is a confused man, not a strong man!

 

Good luck

 

Hi Ruby,

 

Thank you so much for the post. Yes I have felt that I have had no control over this situation for a while now. I would love to tell him that he never had a chance with me but of course it's too late now as I simply do not talk to him unless it's about work...period. Plus I'm sure it wouldn't be believable at this point.

 

He actually never contacts me about anything but work (except once recently when he told me I looked very nice). He seems to have legitimate reasons for contacting me it just seems these issues are coming up more often than they used to and the mode of these are slightly unusual for someone who wants to steer clear...ie: calling instead of texting or emailing, talking to someone who happens to be next to me etc. Maybe it's even in my head that he is still trying to be close to me but I just think that if I were him I would avoid all that at all costs. He did tell me before though that he could get over me and be my friend at the same time. Well maybe he can but I cannot so I don't dare go there.

 

I never even answer his calls unless I absolutely have to....like a few days ago when he called and was late to a client meeting that I was in charge of..other than that he would call and I would text back...recently he just stopped returning my texts altogether but still called.

 

There actually is a way for him to arrange it where we do not see each other as much as we do for work with little recourse (I cannot initiate this but he can) but he didn't. He did tell me that day we had a discussion that he could get over me while still being around me but if I couldn't and had to leave then I would simply be replaced. Easy as that.

 

And yes there was something very odd about me developing feelings for him. And I am sure it has to do with my background, self esteem etc. I also have just gotten divorced a little while back and have been suffering from some deep depression and esteem issues around that for some time now. I admit though that he started to say and do very nice things for me, helped me out a lot, etc and it drew me to him.

 

I try so hard to act strong and be strong when I am around him and honestly, the past few weeks I think I have done pretty well with that. But in secret, and usually after I see him with his family, I just breakdown. I feel like I go for a while and begin to regain my power and then something happens and I am back to the start. I need to work on this more.

 

Thank you so much for the support and advice.

 

T