He called off the ENGAGEMENT , but wants to stay TOGETHER

[mysunshine]

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My (now) boyfriend, former fiancee' has just called off our engagement, but wants to remain in a relationship with me. I am hurt but trying to cope and understand what he is feeling. You see, he had been single for 8 years when we met and he is used to a certain lifestyle and is very much set in his ways. He was extremely excited about our relationship and our engagement (at first), but after 4 months of engagement, he says that he is not "marriage material"! Who made up that saying anyway?

 

What is "Marriage Material". Don't get me wrong, I know what is means to be totally committed to one person for every day of your life. I have been married before and I know what it means. HE has no problem with the commitment part, or living together, or sharing the rest of his life with me. He just does not want to say "I DO"! He loves me and I know that he does and I explained to him that he is living the SAME life with me that he would if we were married, but it is just not "official".

 

I think that the 8 years has a lot to do with it, and also the fact that he had a rough time of it in his first marriage.

 

I am torn over whether I should stay and give him the patience and understanding that he needs, with the HOPE that one day he will want to be married, or should I pack up and leave and HOPE to find someone who wants the same things that I do from day 1 ??!!???

 

Let me add a few facts..... We have a GREAT relationship. We talk about anything and everything. We have fun together and lift each other up when needed. He is truly my best friend and I know that I am his. I am not blind to the fact that emotions change and that starting over with someone that is on the same page (on the first day) does not guarantee me a successful relationship. My current boyfriend was on the same page as I in the beginning too.

 

Should I compromise what I feel I REALLY want in life (marriage, children, etc.) to be with him, just because the relationship is good? He does not want any more children (he has 3, I have 1). I want 1 more child. He does not want to get married, but wants a lifetime relationship.

 

Am I confused or is he? I am normally an all or nothing person, and I am trying to let go of most of that.

 

Any ideas?????!!!

[befuddled11]

First of all, how long have you 2 been together?

 

Does his 3 children live with you both? Does your child live with you both?

 

What ages are you?

 

(the answers to these questions help to shed a bit more light on the situation).

 

I suppose he should be commended for at least being honest with you, and admitting that he's come to the realization that he's not wanting marriage..........but if you're living with him, and you're basically living the "life" of a married couple, without the commitment that you're more than entitled to have, then basically he's getting his cake and eating it too by wanting to remain with you but not wanting to tie the knot.

 

Personally, I can't even imagine having my fiance breaking off the engagement and in essence, "demoting" me back to girlfriend. I would be very hurt for a very long time.

 

For him to have proposed to you, but 4 months later broken the engagement off...that says to me that he's very SURE that marriage is not what he wants.

 

Life is short. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting the commitment and security of marriage, and wanting to have a child together with your husband. You should NOT compromise what you want for him or anyone.

 

So am I right in assuming that you 2 live together??

 

If so, you should seriously consider moving out/living separately. The guy is getting, likely, all the bonuses and perks of a "wife", without being prepared to make the commitment. Moving out isn't your way of exacting revenge or getting even with him....but it's about standing up for yourself and not letting someone use you.

 

In addition, your child deserves security and stability...and if this man (I'm assuming your child lives with you both) isn't prepared to make you all a "true" family, but wants all the bonuses do go along with it, what kind of message does that send to your children? his children?

 

Do not live your life hoping that time will change his mind. That's way too much of a crap shoot. If he never does, you're only going to wake up one day, years from now, filled with regret and resentment and bitterness.......maybe being more inclined to "just stay" where it's familiar and comfortable, because you've invested so much time together....but in your heart you are deeply hurt that you've been good enough to fulfill the ROLE of a wife/step-mother...but he's not been able to make the kind of commitment that you need.

 

I suggest in light of him breaking off the engagement, that you either separate for awhile, or you stop living together. Stand up for yourself, because nobody else will. And don't sell yourself short. There are good men in this world who don't make lame excuses for not wanting to marry.....and you deserve someone who's on the same wavelength as you're on.

 

And as an aside.......is there any possibility that he's afraid that if you married and then divorced down the road, you'd take him to the cleaners financially? Does he have a lot to "lose" in that regard?

 

Do you trust him? Lots of times people aren't willing to fully commit when they always believe that the grass might just be greener on the other side.

[mysunshine]

befuddled11

 

Thanks for the insight. In answer to your questions, we have not been together long, only 5 months. We got engaged after only one month, which is part of the reason why I am trying to look at this in a positive light. I am with a man who has been alone (but dating actively - lots of women) for 8 years and I feel like he tried to make up (in 1 month) for what he created in 8 years. He has made himself exclusive to me and I am not sure he REALLY knows how to handle dealing with 1 woman. I do not think he is cheating and I am not making excuses for him, I am just stating my feelings.

 

2 of his 3 children are with his ex-wife and the 3rd is married with a child of her own. His youngest is 11 years old and that is why he does not want to start over again with parenthood. I am a little disturbed by that, because when we hooked up, he was open to the possibility of having another child with me. Now he does not want to start over. I get the feeling that other people are pumping ideas into his head, because everyone is so used to him being single.

 

When we are around his friends or family, they are happy for us, but at the same time they present this "oh my Goodness...you are getting married" attitude. I think it has hit him. I have to speak in his defense on one issue you brought up. He actually stated to me that he did not think it fair to me for him to even think of holding me to a relationship with him, considering his new-found feelings. He said that he feels like he would be selfish to do so, so if I wanted to break-up, he would just have to deal with it.

 

We are 3 years apart in age. I am 34 and he is 37. We have both been married before and divorced and yes my child does live with us. One thing that is actually holding me IN this situation is the stability factor. My son is settled in this "family" situation and has been through enough with the break-up between myself and his father. So I am trying to keep him in the same place. Additionally, I do function as the dutiful "wife", but HE takes care of home. I do not pay any of the bills in the household at all. I do some of the cooking and cleaning, and we share the laundry duties. We own a business together, that I run from the home, but basically, I am a house"wife".

 

So you are right... he wants to have everything that marriage involves, but has pulled back from the "I DO" of it. I do not know what his feelings are concerning divorce, because I haven't asked him about that. We did not go into our engagement with any consideration of divorce.

 

I do feel "demoted" and a little embarrassed, because I have praised my relationship and my man and I now have to tell everyone that there will be no wedding. The only person I have told is my son and he seemed to be okay with it as long as we would all still live together. My son loves him very much and had accepted him as his step-father. I am very disappointed and lost and upset, but I am trying to keep hold of all of the things that I love about him and our relationship.

 

Every time I think about it, or about someone asking me about it... I begin to cry. I guess that will go away after awhile. I am torn, like I said.... A part of me feels like singing the official woman's theme song "I will survive" as I pack up and move out and move on. But there is another part of me that has a compassion for the man that HE is and an understanding of the fact that things did move a bit fast and maybe TIME will be good to us. Confusion is NOT one of the areas that I do best. I am usually very certain about my decisions, until now.

[befuddled11]

First of all, so he proposed to you after ONLY ONE MONTH of you 2 being together. That didn't strike you as crazy? You can't even possibly know after 1 month, well enough to know whether you want to spend your life together. You're still in the "honeymoon stage" at that point.

 

Secondly....you've been together a mere 5 months and you own a business together? And you live together? You both have rushed things big time........especially the part about intermingling the finances/assets (business). What was the rush? Or did you have this business together prior to beginning a relationship???

 

And I see you making excuses for him a lot. You attribute this "change of heart" of his, to the fact that he was single for 8 yrs prior. That doesn't make sense to me...if anything, that would show me that he's had 8 yrs to play the field and sow his oats....and that he'd NOW be at a point where he's ready to settle down. But it's obvious he's truly not. He's got the perks of having a wife, you live together, you have a business together, but he's not ready to marry you...because of supposed baggage and hangups from his past. Run, Forest, Run.

 

And he's made it very clear NOW..that he does NOT WANT any more children. Take his words at face value. This guy does not want to marry, and he does not want any more children (understandably so,he's already got 3). You want to commitment of marriage and to have another child. The latter is not going to happen with him. So now you have to decide whether you're willing to compromise your wants and needs. The ball is in your court.

 

You both rushed wayyyyyy too quickly into things...which isn't good for your son, either. Single parents shouldn't ever rush into relationships, and living together, and getting engaged.......it can have a really confusing, negative impact on the children involved. It also doesn't give them a very accurate, realistic view of how good healthly lasting relationships should be.

 

Now it's all complicated here because if you did decide to move on, you've got a business with him, and a comfortable situation where you don't have to pay any bills...and you've got a guy your kid loves.

 

Ask yourself why you jumped into this so quickly? Things that start off fast and heavy usually end up fizzling somewhat when reality hits.