jib Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Hi, I have known my bf for about 5 years (from college), we have been dating long distance for about 6 months. Many of our values line up with respect to religion, family, work, etc. However, one of our major differences that I am currently struggling with is that he places a lot of emphasis on what I wear, especially when we go out in public/to events. However, ironically, his style of dressing isn't exactly dressy. I have been kind of a tomboy most of my 23 years (soon to be 24), however, I do dress up for whatever the occasion calls for (usually for work). I have slowly started changing my wardrobe after my bf requested that I wear more "girl style clothes" however as to what this definition is exactly I haven't been able to get a good answer from him. I ask him, and he doesn't have a good answer, only saying that he'll know when he sees me wear it...he as also mentioned taking me shopping and finding clothes that he likes and I find acceptable, but we haven't had a chance to do this yet. On the one hand, I am frustrated that he hasn't given me a good answer on what clothes exactly. On the other hand, I am kind of sad, because he cares a lot about how people perceive my style of dressing and takes it as a reflection on him. Sometimes, I also wonder if his expectations are realistic. The range of girl style clothes minus tom boy clothes is still quite broad. In addition, there is another range for dressy to casual. I lean towards casual, but do make an effort to wear items that he likes (cardigans, plaid blouses) when we go out...but lately I have been feeling really tired and stressed by the strength and ambiguity of his requests. I asked him for a compromise. And his response was can you wear the clothes that I like when we go out in public or to events and then wear "normal" girl style clothes when we're just spending time together like watching a movie or hanging out chatting? I am kind of sad that he didn't give me the option to wear clothes that I feel comfortable in. I also do know that for the most part, whether you are a guy or a gal, physical attraction is part of the equation, so I try. However, I am also personally struggling with how much weight should I place on pleasing him. I do want to make him happy, but sometimes, I would like to wear clothes that I like and feel truly comfortable in. And while I have made an effort in changing my style of dressing that he has recognized, I feel like if he can't compromise, in the long run, I am going to feel resentful. He told me that he is thinking long term and then told me that he doesn't wish this issue of style of dressing to affect our relationship. He asked me to pray for him to help him not care so much about outward appearances. However, I know that it isn't something that is going to change overnight or even go away completely. He also asked me would I refuse to walk with him to the end if this was still an issue between us. I didn't know how to respond. My question is how far would you go in changing your style of dressing for the person you're dating seriously? Any other tips and suggestions are welcome. Thank you!
KR10N Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 I've always been the tomboyish girl, but have always got positive feedback on my style. I don't understand why some people see this as an issue. As long as you aren't streaking, who cares about your clothes? Personally, I wouldn't change my style (I do dress so-so girly sometimes). Maybe you should tell him to dress differently & see how he feels about it. There's only so much God can do... he might be booked for a few lottery prayers. lol. JK.
thatone Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 i'll take the opposite opinion. i would bet his concern is rooted in something logical. what will you two do for a living? if he's going to be an attorney, you can't go with him to a dinner amongst his colleagues in tshirt and jeans and tennis shoes, for example. on the other hand if it's some religious/church fantasy that's a whole other can of worms, lol. is there any indication why he brought this up? ask him for specifics on where this is coming from. at your age unless people have abnormally tasteful parents, they don't typically know how to dress themselves well (either sex, not just men or women). so it's not terribly unusual.
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Thanks. =) He also told me to give him some requests, however, I don't really care about how he dresses, as long as he likes his clothes, feels comfortable in them, I am good. I care more about how he is as a person, how he treats others, etc. Physical beauty is fleeting, internal beauty is what stays.
jobaba Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 My question is how far would you go in changing your style of dressing for the person you're dating seriously? Any other tips and suggestions are welcome. Thank you! Uh... I'd make suggestions to the person I was dating, and I have before. And it usually comes out pretty civil. It'd just be suggestions though. I've never really had a problem with what my dates or girlfriends wear. If they suggested to me I change some of my style, I could probably go with it. I wear mostly anything these days. But back when I was your age, I had the whole vintage semi hipster thing going on, and if someone I was dating told me to wear Tommy Hilfiger or Polo Ralph Lauren, I'd tell them to shove it up her a@@.
Ilovewater Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Honestly, I see that as superficial and borderline controlling. As long as you don't look like a slob (clothes with holes or stains, really baggy clothes, etc.), I don't see a reason why you should have to change your wardrobe because of him. You mentioned that you have been dressing up more when you guys go out...that should be enough of a compromise. Sure, he can make suggestions like, "Babe, you would look really good in this dress." But, he shouldn't be telling you to stop wearing what you do and change everything completely. I'm also pretty tomboyish. I have a total of 2 dresses in my closet that I rarely wear them. I dress casual, but I'm definitely not a slob, and I do dress up for appropriate events. If my boyfriend told me to change my wardrobe, I'd laugh in his face and tell him to get out.
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Not sure how this quick reply thing works, but in response to thatone. He is currently in computer programming, so we don't really go out to high end events where dressing up is a really big issue. Hehe, not going near the religious/church fantasy. He brought this up when we first started dating, prior to dating him, I had no idea that this was such a big deal. Growing up, I hoped that someone would like me for my personality and not what I looked like. Going through undergrad, mostly wore comfortable clothes/athletic clothes, didn't have time or interest in dating, had more girly clothes but only wore them when going out for birthday parties, etc. He just tells me he wishes that when he goes out his girlfriend looks nice...
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Uh... But back when I was your age, I had the whole vintage semi hipster thing going on, and if someone I was dating told me to wear Tommy Hilfiger or Polo Ralph Lauren, I'd tell them to shove it up her a@@. Hehe, I like your style jobaba!
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Honestly, I see that as superficial and borderline controlling. As long as you don't look like a slob (clothes with holes or stains, really baggy clothes, etc.), I don't see a reason why you should have to change your wardrobe because of him. You mentioned that you have been dressing up more when you guys go out...that should be enough of a compromise. Sure, he can make suggestions like, "Babe, you would look really good in this dress." But, he shouldn't be telling you to stop wearing what you do and change everything completely. I'm also pretty tomboyish. I have a total of 2 dresses in my closet that I rarely wear them. I dress casual, but I'm definitely not a slob, and I do dress up for appropriate events. If my boyfriend told me to change my wardrobe, I'd laugh in his face and tell him to get out. Thanks for the support Ilovewater =) you sound like my sister, she doesn't take crap from anyone and usually makes sure I don't either. I sometimes feel like he is in essence telling me to stop wearing what I do and change everything completely, and thus why I am struggling so much right now. Hehe, I have a total of 1 dress in my closet. When going out, like you, I dress for the occasion and make sure I am showered, hair combed, etc, the basics.
norajane Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Preferences range widely, but a lot of guys do like their girl to look feminine. The definition of what each thinks is feminine varies a lot, too. I think it's sweet to want to look good for him, as long as there isn't a controlling aspect to it and you're comfortable with it. It sounds like you aren't comfortable, and for more than one reason. Since he fell in love with you in your tomboy style in the first place, I'm surprised this is such a big issue.
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 In response to norajane, I don't think he ever liked my tomboy style. He says that he was first attracted to me because of my personality. He also mentioned specific instances when I wore more feminine clothes (usually for work/interview events) that he liked. Prior to dating him I had no idea that he cared so much, thus, I was quite surprised when he cared so much. This is a generalization, but usually people who place an emphasis on the other person's personality/character do not care so much about their appearance, but in this case he cares a great deal about both?
norajane Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Has he asked you to change anything about your personality or the way you behave, other than the clothes?
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 In response to norajane. No he has not asked me to change anything else except the clothes. That is why I feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal, because it is just clothes, they don't define who you are...hehe, but then again... I am "strong" in the sense that I take care of a lot of things at home (parents, siblings) not too girly, ie, if I see a spider I will kill it if nobody else is there to take care of the issue instead of squealing in fear, but if a guy is there I am more than willing to squeal in fear and ask him to kill it for me =) I can wear the more girly clothes, but feel like it's not me...internal confusion/struggle.
thatone Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Thanks for the support Ilovewater =) you sound like my sister, she doesn't take crap from anyone and usually makes sure I don't either. I sometimes feel like he is in essence telling me to stop wearing what I do and change everything completely, and thus why I am struggling so much right now. Hehe, I have a total of 1 dress in my closet. When going out, like you, I dress for the occasion and make sure I am showered, hair combed, etc, the basics. my perspective on this is growing up in New Orleans. NOLA has everything from mardi gras day, where running naked on the street is acceptable, to the mardi gras formal balls that night, which more resemble presidential inaugurations, all in the same day no less. so there is a time and place for all forms of dress. but everyone knows and adheres to certain assumptions about how you should be dressed depending on where you go. there are even bars with dress codes that you can't go to with jeans on back home, never mind just restaurants. just as people who don't go out of the house without a suit or a dress on have a certain rigid image, so do people who refuse to ever dress better than jeans and tshirts have a rigid image. neither is necessarily a good thing. i would agree that there's nothing noble about wearing a suit and tie to buy groceries, but there's nothing noble about refusing to ever dress more than casually either. and yeah, for me personally, i like going to higher end restaurants and bars. so if a woman i meet flatly refused to ever dress in more than she wears to the gym or to walk the dog, then we're not going to get along, because she can't go to some of the places that i want to go. i have people like that in my family, actually. my stepfather (in his late 50s) refused to go to my brother's wedding because he was told that wearing jeans and cowboy boots was NOT ok. that's not a preference, that's a grown man acting like a child. and when people grow up (as in between 25 and 30) that's part of growing up, they should be able to dress nicely depending on the occasion and location they're going to. so if that's where he's coming from, i don't think his suggestions are unfounded or unreasonable. but feel free to post what he wears and we'll critique him as well so you can have some bullets to fire back at him . maybe both of you need clothes.
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 so there is a time and place for all forms of dress. but everyone knows and adheres to certain assumptions about how you should be dressed depending on where you go. there are even bars with dress codes that you can't go to with jeans on back home, never mind just restaurants... and yeah, for me personally, i like going to higher end restaurants and bars. so if a woman i meet flatly refused to ever dress in more than she wears to the gym or to walk the dog, then we're not going to get along, because she can't go to some of the places that i want to go. i have people like that in my family, actually. my stepfather (in his late 50s) refused to go to my brother's wedding because he was told that wearing jeans and cowboy boots was NOT ok. that's not a preference, that's a grown man acting like a child. and when people grow up (as in between 25 and 30) that's part of growing up, they should be able to dress nicely depending on the occasion and location they're going to. so if that's where he's coming from, i don't think his suggestions are unfounded or unreasonable. but feel free to post what he wears and we'll critique him as well so you can have some bullets to fire back at him . maybe both of you need clothes. Hehe, thanks thatone =) I see your point that there is a time and place for everything. That is what I usually adhere to, after going through college, there comes a time when you have to start dressing for others and the event and so that's what I try to do. The part where I am struggling with is that I feel like he wants me to be dressy all the time, as in no casual clothes. However, we don't go to any classy bars/restaurants, etc. Thus, I often feel that the occasion doesn't call for the type of clothing that he likes...his style is mostly jeans and a t-shirt/long sleeve shirt...nothing dressy. But ok, I will see if you guys can give him some suggestions for his style when I next see him in a couple of weeks
Ilovewater Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 neither is necessarily a good thing. i would agree that there's nothing noble about wearing a suit and tie to buy groceries, but there's nothing noble about refusing to ever dress more than casually either. and yeah, for me personally, i like going to higher end restaurants and bars. so if a woman i meet flatly refused to ever dress in more than she wears to the gym or to walk the dog, then we're not going to get along, because she can't go to some of the places that i want to go. What you said sounds very reasonable, but it sounds like her boyfriend insists that she dresses differently all the time. She mentioned that she dresses up when they go out and such, so it's not like she refuses to dress up completely. Common sense would tell you dress up for high-end restaurants and bars, but is it really necessary to dress up for everything else? Even regular restaurants and bars? That sounds like what her boyfriend is asking for though. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Alexz Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 I'll change into naked when the right time comes up.
thatone Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 (edited) if he doesn't dress as well as he wants you to then that's not really reasonable on his part. that brings up the thought i had before...where is this coming from and why is this an issue for him? if it's something he wants the two of you to do together that's fine. if he wants you to change while he still goes out in jeans, that's a different issue. What you said sounds very reasonable, but it sounds like her boyfriend insists that she dresses differently all the time. She mentioned that she dresses up when they go out and such, so it's not like she refuses to dress up completely. Common sense would tell you dress up for high-end restaurants and bars, but is it really necessary to dress up for everything else? Even regular restaurants and bars? That sounds like what her boyfriend is asking for though. Please correct me if I'm wrong. yeah, it doesn't sound like he's playing his part in that, see above. that's why my knee jerk thought was "religious/church fantasy". Edited November 15, 2011 by thatone
Ilovewater Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 The part where I am struggling with is that I feel like he wants me to be dressy all the time, as in no casual clothes. However, we don't go to any classy bars/restaurants, etc. Thus, I often feel that the occasion doesn't call for the type of clothing that he likes...his style is mostly jeans and a t-shirt/long sleeve shirt...nothing dressy. And he expects you to dress up??? Then, you guys would look completely mismatched with him in his t-shirt and jeans and you in your $200 dress and $100 pumps. Keep your casual clothes! As long as you're not wearing sweat suits everywhere, you're ok haha! I can see why he wants you to dress up once in a while. Heck, I love seeing my boyfriend in nice dress clothes when we go out to fancy restaurants and events, but I don't expect him to wear that everyday. You guys will just have to decide on a happy medium.
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 if he doesn't dress as well as he wants you to then that's not really reasonable on his part. that brings up the thought i had before...where is this coming from and why is this an issue for him? if it's something he wants the two of you to do together that's fine. if he wants you to change while he still goes out in jeans, that's a different issue. yeah, it doesn't sound like he's playing his part in that, see above. that's why my knee jerk thought was "religious/church fantasy". I am not sure where this is coming from...his personal preference? I have known him for a while, we didn't keep in close contact for the last year or two and then suddenly out of the blue he asks me to have dinner, after that night we played ping pong twice. And then one night he calls at 11:30pm asking me what I am doing. (This was the weekend before finals) so I respond with "um...I am studying" Then he asks me to be his gf the next day. I didn't see it coming at all. I had good feelings toward him when we had classes back fresh/soph year. But didn't really come into contact with him other than saying hi at church in the following years. Then on our second date after becoming official so to speak, he tells me that he doesn't like the way I dress because it is too "guyish". I was pretty surprised, because his own style doesn't reflect his emphasis on my choice of clothing. However, I can understand and can totally accept his point of view, thus my changes. In the past I only dressed up for events. Now, I take care that I wear girly clothes when going out with him, but sometimes i would just like to wear jeans and a sweater. Now, I sometimes do feel like I am overdressing while he's still in jeans and a t-shirt. Ex: he asked me to dress nice for a church event, so I take care, pull out the leather shoes, plaid blouse, form fitting jeans, I arrive and he is there in jeans, a t-shirt with small holes and sandals...He did tell me to make requests of him, but I don't care so much about what he wears as long as he likes what he wears, but I do feel that he should at least take as much care if he makes requests of me.
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 I'll change into naked when the right time comes up. Lol Alexz
Author jib Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 To supplement the response to thatone: To note, he has started wearing more often the shirts that I said look nice. So I know he is making an effort too. I think that perhaps one of our issues is that his definition of dressy and my definition of dressy and when to wear what is different. I am going to make a note of this and bring it up in our next conversation. In response to J200, lol, I am sorry that he forced you to go to the mall in clothes you were uncomfortable in and totally hated. Nobody should be forced to do that. Sometimes after talking it through with my bf, I sometimes wonder if he would like/would be happier finding someone who is more girlie?
thatone Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 so ask him why he doesn't dress nicer when he tells you to? there's some sort of very strange ulterior motive here if he isn't doing the same thing, you just have to sniff it out somehow...
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 jib However, ironically, his style of dressing isn't exactly dressy. What does he ear when you go out? ...but lately I have been feeling really tired and stressed by the strength and ambiguity of his requests. I asked him for a compromise. And his response was can you wear the clothes that I like when we go out in public or to events and then wear "normal" girl style clothes when we're just spending time together like watching a movie or hanging out chatting? I am kind of sad that he didn't give me the option to wear clothes that I feel comfortable in. If this is affecting you to the point where you are tired and stressed over it you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell you how this is affecting you. There is a difference between a boyfriend saying something like, "hey babe, I'd love to see you in a dress/ this dress" vs. a response of his being along the lines that you "can" wear clothes he likes when you go out in public but the clothes you like in private. That's controlling and messed up. His behavior is so controlling it's affecting you emotionally and making you feel tired. You need to be very honest about how this issue is affecting you. And you need to be firm about what you choose for yourself and how you need his respect in that or the relationships isn't going to work. I don't think it's bad to sometimes wear what a partner wants if you like it too. But from what you said, he seems more controlling then most. I am also personally struggling with how much weight should I place on pleasing him. I do want to make him happy, but sometimes, I would like to wear clothes that I like and feel truly comfortable in. And while I have made an effort in changing my style of dressing that he has recognized, I feel like if he can't compromise, in the long run, I am going to feel resentful. Very insightful and very true. Becaus today it's your clothes, tomorrow it might be something else he wants you to change. And his inability to compromise on things is not going to be magically fixed. You need to stand firm about what you want out of a relationship and how you want him to treat you when you don't feel like he is treating you well. Because like you said, you will keep trying to please him and you will begin to harbor feelings of resentment because of the pressure he is placing on you to be someone else. He told me that he is thinking long term and then told me that he doesn't wish this issue of style of dressing to affect our relationship. He asked me to pray for him to help him not care so much about outward appearances. So he acknowledges it's a problem for him but he still wants you to conform to his own issues with outward appearance...not healthy behavior Jib. My question is how far would you go in changing your style of dressing for the person you're dating seriously? Any other tips and suggestions are welcome. Thank you! If my boyfriend wanted to see me in a certain style that I didn't find offensive, I would give it a try. If he picked something out and said "could you wear this for me", I'd do it. But if he wanted to change my entire style because he was worried about what other people were thinking, that would be a huge issue. If he wanted me to wear clothes only he approved in public and told me I "can" wear what I want in private, that's an issue. I need to be with a man that doesn't care what other people think. And likes me for me.
blueskyday Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Great suggestions! I would add that you need to lay down a boundary line. He will respect you. You have compromised and shown him like a good girlfriend that you are influenced by him. You want to please him -- to a point. You are who you are. He doesn't get to reinvent you. A tomboy who dresses up every once in a while is appropriate. What isn't is a tomboy who gets turned into a girlie-girl. You don't throw out your basic nature. Next time he asks you to dress up when you go out, kid around with him and ask him he plans on wearing his ripped jeans and sandals. Raise one eyebrow and look at him sideways, as in non-verbal, "Ahh, no." Flip the script. Personally, I enjoy a bit of both kinds of dressing. I do find that guys like feminine. You could wear jeans, flats and a silky sexy kind of top. You don't have to dress head to toe girly. Add one element. Go jeans, t-shirt, and high heels, or boots... Wear a few pieces of nice lingerie around the house once in a while. The key is whatever you are comfortable with. If you feel like you are turning yourself inside out to please him, then you are crossing a line and not being true to yourself. I once had a boyfriend who always wanted me to wear backless, low cut slutty tops with super low rise jeans and high heels. He liked watching other guys get hot for me. It was all about him. I felt like a hooker, and only put an end to that crap. My rule is one sexy article of clothing that shows off one part of my body. I will pick one from a menu of shoulders, legs, back, boobs, etc... So maybe wear a sexy shoulder baring top with jeans and flats. That would work. But it doesn't have to be every day. You can rock tomboy sexy, too. No bra or undies, let's say! But, you are the whole package, just the way you are!
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