Starting to connect with old friend who is married

[aloneinnyc]

An old friend/work colleague and I reconnected a few weeks ago after not seeing each other for ten years. He was always interested in me, but I was married so I never expressed interest in return, even though I have always been attracted to him. Fast forward to today, and I'm recently separated. (Husband cheated. I am going to divorce him.) My friend, who is 55 (I am 4) finally got married for the first time 2 years ago. It was a mistake -- and he told me that even before he knew I was separated, so it wasn't a pick-up line. He just felt like he had to pick someone at his age, and he had dated this woman for a long time and she really wanted to get married or she was going to leave. They have never lived in the same city, they have a pre-nup because he didn't think it would last, and they talk about divorce all the time. They don't have sex anymore, and he told her that he can't go on like that or would need a mistress. Her response was don't fall in love or bring home an STD.

 

I find myself overwhelmingly attracted to this guy, and his affection for me so many years ago and still today is something that I can tell is filling a void left by my husband. But I'm struggling with the ethics of the situation. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'd love any advice.

[aloneinnyc]

I'm 40 -- not 4!

[heartinlove]

Definitely, definitely, and one more definitely let him leave his marriage before anything happens between you too. You can let him know your interest and feelings but then dont be in any kind of regular contact unless he leaves. I read your other thread and you have very strong views on infidelity and you will respect him more and yourself more if you do this cleanly.

[bentnotbroken]

An old friend/work colleague and I reconnected a few weeks ago after not seeing each other for ten years. He was always interested in me, but I was married so I never expressed interest in return, even though I have always been attracted to him. Fast forward to today, and I'm recently separated. (Husband cheated. I am going to divorce him.) My friend, who is 55 (I am 4) finally got married for the first time 2 years ago. It was a mistake -- and he told me that even before he knew I was separated, so it wasn't a pick-up line. He just felt like he had to pick someone at his age, and he had dated this woman for a long time and she really wanted to get married or she was going to leave. They have never lived in the same city, they have a pre-nup because he didn't think it would last, and they talk about divorce all the time. They don't have sex anymore, and he told her that he can't go on like that or would need a mistress. Her response was don't fall in love or bring home an STD.

 

I find myself overwhelmingly attracted to this guy, and his affection for me so many years ago and still today is something that I can tell is filling a void left by my husband. But I'm struggling with the ethics of the situation. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'd love any advice.

 

 

You heard her say this right?

[Barrsitter]

Alone,

 

Do yourself a service and read all the sad stories on this section of LS. None of this is pretty. It's all heartache and angst.

 

Stay away from this guy. We've all heard the same crap "Oh...I've loved you for 30 years (meanwhile, they never looked for you), I've always loved you (who gives a crap, pal!), I don't have any sex in my marriage (and that affects me how?)...blah, blah, blah.

 

I've said this on other threads and I will say it here. MMs only want one thing - to have their cake and eat it too.

 

They are all the same, Alone. Move on and tell this guy to put his money where his mouth is - get a divorce and then come and find you. And then you'll decide what you want to do with him.

[KathyM]

Don't even encourage him to leave his marriage. Don't be an accomplis to the ending of his marriage. If and when he gets a divorce, he can always look you up, but don't encourage him to do that at this point. Just tell him you would not be interested in starting anything with a married man. And if I were you, I'd have serious doubts about a man who didn't even get married until he was in his 50s, and after 2 years of marriage, he's ready to divorce. Doesn't sound like a very good catch to me. Surely you can do better. Now that you have your freedom, you can seek out the best there is out there. Don't settle for someone who has serious red flags.

[whichwayisup]

An old friend/work colleague and I reconnected a few weeks ago after not seeing each other for ten years. He was always interested in me, but I was married so I never expressed interest in return, even though I have always been attracted to him. Fast forward to today, and I'm recently separated.

 

WTF. Your H cheated on you and now you're attempting to re connect with someone you DO NOT KNOW anymore, from 10 years ago? You KNOW the pain of betrayal and cheating, and you want to help this guy cheat on his wife??!! Come on, please think about why you want to involve yourself with a married guy! Help him hurt his wife. Again, you know that pain firsthand so why on earth would you want to help inflict that pain and be part of turning his wife's life upside down? Think about that.

 

They don't have sex anymore, and he told her that he can't go on like that or would need a mistress. Her response was don't fall in love or bring home an STD.

 

Boy, he has you roped in already. Such bulls.hit and you're believing him.

 

How do you know this is true? Did you talk to her? this guy is giving you the 'standard MM lie'!

[frozensprouts]

you've been going through a really rough time, and now this guy comes along and you are considering an affair with him?

are you ceratin that you aren't in a vulnerable place and kind of "mixing up" feelings from long ago with feelings today?

( don't mean to be disrespectful when i ask, but it happens sometimes)

[woinlove]

 

I find myself overwhelmingly attracted to this guy, and his affection for me so many years ago and still today is something that I can tell is filling a void left by my husband. But I'm struggling with the ethics of the situation. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'd love any advice.

 

You can see this is filling a void left by your H who you only fairly recently discovered was cheating. It is natural to want to have someone special in your life, someone who desires you. The mix of your vulnerability, needs, big changes going on in your life, a reminder of a past time when you were young and your H had not hurt you, and the risk, excitement of this MM -- it's not surprising your feel "overwhelmingly attracted".

 

But, the thing is you are not overwhelmingly attracted to a real person. You are overwhelmingly attracted to small pieces of a person mixed in with memories, fantasy, wishful thinking, and hope. Had you already gone through the work of fully recovering from your H's betrayal, the divorce, building a fulfilling live with your xH, I am sure this MM would not look so amazingly attractive to you.

 

Besides the ethics, please think of yourself. Besides the ethics coming back to you and making you feel bad about yourself for not treating others better, there is likely to be plenty of direct pain for you. This MM is not being kind and honest by trying to start up something while married. Maybe he will get divorced, maybe he will stay married. Chances are, with or without you, he is not going to be monogamous. What seems like an amazing attraction now could well lead to even more intense feelings, a true addiction that takes over your life (this happens quite often in secret affairs). Read here about the experiences of OW. It may already be very difficult to walk away from such an attraction. Read here about how so much more difficult it can get with time. Take care of yourself and say no now.

[Lucky_One]

If his assets are protected by a pre-nup, and if they really talk about divorce all the time, then he really won't have a problem with getting a divorce and THEN calling you.

 

No kids, no financial hassle, no shared home to bicker over, no intimacy that would be missed, two partners who are already discussing ending the marriage. Sounds like a DIY divorce, to me.

 

Matter of fact, why don't you email him a link to a divorce package online for his state? See how long it takes him to jump on the D bandwagon.

 

(SadInTexas, I had the SAME thought. If they don't have sex and don't live together, why does she care what STD he contracts?)

[aloneinnyc]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad I posted, because I needed that. Everyone is right. I am vulnerable, lonely, and feeling unattractive, and this guy just walked in at a time when it felt so good to be wanted again. He told me all those years ago how much he liked me, so I believe he has always been attracted to me, and the idea of someone carrying a torch for me even today -- now that I'm 40 with a five year old -- made me feel young again. And I've always been attracted to him. But it's largely physical for both of us, and everyone is right that he's not a long-term prospect for me whether he was married or not. I was just tempted at the thought of a distraction to fill a void in my life. This guy makes me feel so much better about myself than how my H made me feel. But it is an illusion, and I'm sure the reality of the situation would get complicated and painful.

 

I just wish I could find something else that would make me as happy as I have these couple weeks while he's been pursuing me. I just tried a donut, and that didn't work.

[skywriter]

aloneinnyc,

 

Your story is my story. I was alone for nearly six yrs. when I met MM. I was raising two kids and had the same scenario, lonely and loved the way he made me feel.

 

The great conversations, felt all the tingles in my stomach when he walked in the room. Loved the attention, looked forward to the phone calls.

 

So, I know how you are feeling. I just wish so much, that I'd known about LS ,before I crossed that line in my mind and made it ok to get involved with a MM.

 

You should be proud of yourself !

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad I posted, because I needed that. Everyone is right. I am vulnerable, lonely, and feeling unattractive, and this guy just walked in at a time when it felt so good to be wanted again. He told me all those years ago how much he liked me, so I believe he has always been attracted to me, and the idea of someone carrying a torch for me even today -- now that I'm 40 with a five year old -- made me feel young again. And I've always been attracted to him. But it's largely physical for both of us, and everyone is right that he's not a long-term prospect for me whether he was married or not. I was just tempted at the thought of a distraction to fill a void in my life. This guy makes me feel so much better about myself than how my H made me feel. But it is an illusion, and I'm sure the reality of the situation would get complicated and painful.

 

I just wish I could find something else that would make me as happy as I have these couple weeks while he's been pursuing me. I just tried a donut, and that didn't work.

 

 

As long as you look for external sources of happiness, you will always be unhappy and lonely. Happiness is never an external source.

[Lucky_One]

I'd rather see you in bed with a dozen Krispy Kremes than in bed with this guy.

[aloneinnyc]

This board has been so helpful to me. I can see that road ahead with this guy more clearly now, and I know I don't want to be on it. I don't want the donut, either. I know I need to find happiness within, and I usually do a pretty good job of that (I love my son, have great friends, and I like my own company). But I think seeing this guy made me realize that I'd like be physically close with someone again. It's been 5 months since I separated, but even longer since I really felt a man wanted to be with me in the way this guy does. It made me realize how much was missing in my M. H lost interest in me, and ended up cheating because of it. But I'm realizing now how much I missed having someone really want to be with me.

 

I guess the challenge will be to find someone who is single and feels that way about me...

[MissBee]

He has admitted to making some poor choices and to be in a messed up situation....my concern would be seeing how this person plans on fixing this and not in me joining the mess.

 

Just a general comment/thought Alone, and not meant to chastise you: but it's interesting when a person presents what sounds like a mess, complain about their horrible marriage or that it was a mistake and so on and the response isn't "wow, that's crazy, you should sort it out, especially since you're admitting what's wrong" but often people say, "oh poor thing, I should start dating you to help this situation be even more weird and entangled" When you think of it, it's silly!

 

For your own self interest and even his, I feel like it can only make better sense to not get involved until his situation is worked out. I think you're tempted to fill the void with him and ignore repercussions of what is a messed up situation....we've all been guilty of that...but most times we suffer worst for it in the end.

Edited November 15, 2011 by MissBee

[spice4life]

I'm 40 -- not 4!

 

Funny and possibly a freudian slip because if you go down this path you may very well end up feeling like you are 4...lol. My best advice is to tell him to get divorced then call you. If you don't, you will probably end up in therapy and digging back to those injuries that happened when you were 4 and saying to yourself, "so THAT'S why I ended up in this situation!" Maybe that's good, but why not do that now before you get in too deep with this married guy who most likely won't leave his wife. Just a thought.

[MissBee]

Funny and possibly a freudian slip because if you go down this path you may very well end up feeling like you are 4...lol. My best advice is to tell him to get divorced then call you. If you don't, you will probably end up in therapy and digging back to those injuries that happened when you were 4 and saying to yourself, "so THAT'S why I ended up in this situation!" Maybe that's good, but why not do that now before you get in too deep with this married guy who most likely won't leave his wife. Just a thought.

 

I agree...you give some great advice Spice!

[spice4life]

I agree...you give some great advice Spice!

 

Hey thanks, MissBee. I will take that as a compliment because I respect your advice and exceptional writing ability completely.

[MissBee]

Hey thanks, MissBee. I will take that as a compliment because I respect your advice and exceptional writing ability completely.

 

Awww thanks!

[Saul Goodman]

As long as you look for external sources of happiness, you will always be unhappy and lonely. Happiness is never an external source.

Damn, that's good.

 

I guess the challenge will be to find someone who is single and feels that way about me...

Coming from somebody that is going through a divorce right now: Perhaps you should focus less of your energy on your love life. I mean, you just got out of a relationship...

 

I suppose a short-term fling might make you feel better, but like BnB said, focus on making yourself happy without having to rely on men.

 

Well, that's my plan anyway (except, replace "men" with "women").

Edited November 16, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[PinkInTheLimo]

An old friend/work colleague and I reconnected a few weeks ago after not seeing each other for ten years. He was always interested in me, but I was married so I never expressed interest in return, even though I have always been attracted to him. Fast forward to today, and I'm recently separated. (Husband cheated. I am going to divorce him.) My friend, who is 55 (I am 4) finally got married for the first time 2 years ago. It was a mistake -- and he told me that even before he knew I was separated, so it wasn't a pick-up line. He just felt like he had to pick someone at his age, and he had dated this woman for a long time and she really wanted to get married or she was going to leave. They have never lived in the same city, they have a pre-nup because he didn't think it would last, and they talk about divorce all the time. They don't have sex anymore, and he told her that he can't go on like that or would need a mistress. Her response was don't fall in love or bring home an STD.

 

I find myself overwhelmingly attracted to this guy, and his affection for me so many years ago and still today is something that I can tell is filling a void left by my husband. But I'm struggling with the ethics of the situation. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'd love any advice.

 

aloneinnyc, I have a lot of respect for you because unlike the women who take their cheater back, you stayed true to your principles. You decided that cheating was a dealbreaker and you stuck with it.

 

So please don't betray your principles now. I totally understand that you crave some positive attention from a guy and that you are in a vulnerable place. But this guy is still married so stay away from him as long as he is married.

Moreover, the guy is 15 years older than you. That's a big age difference.

 

Try to find some hobbies where you meet other people, men and women, who give you positive attention (I know that it is not easy as a single mom to find time for this).

 

I disagree with everyone who says that the fact that the guy married at 53 makes him a commitmentphobic. I am in my forties and was never married but only because I never found a man who treated me with enough respect to want to marry me.

It's not his age which makes him a commitmentphobic. It's his attitude towards his marriage which is not right. Just marrying a woman because she will otherwise leave you is not very fair to her. Afterwards badmouthing her to a friend is not fair either. You only hear one side of the story.