Hear Me Out.. Serious Problems

[DayumQuitPlayin]

Hey Everyone,

First I would like to warn you that this will be a long Post.. and for those who read it thru.. thank you.. and I would like to hear any opinion/advice that you may offer.

 

Ok, here goes:

 

I really have a krazy family, and a krazy life to go along with it. I'm a 19 y/o with lots of experience with things never going right.

 

Its mostly family problems, mainly me and my mom. My mom and I rarely get along.. I mean.. we do talk about some stuff.. but its only for stupid things, other than that.. I try to stay out of her way. She's from Brazil and had a rough childhood.

 

Growing up with both my parents was hard. My dad wasn't really around during my Jr. High and High School. He works for the government and with Colombia. My Mom doesn't work anymore.. she used to.. she used to work at a club as a stripper and as a waitress, my Dad was and is the Provider of our house.

 

When I was growing up, my mom used to always try to make sure we're out of trouble.. by keeping us inside and getting us whatever we want..almost. The thing is.. she doesn't want us to be out with the 'bad kids' cuz she fears that we will be influenced by their thoughts and actions. Well.. I have a strong will.. and I'm not easily influenced into doing anything that I do not want to do.. except for my brother.. he's easily convinced into doing anything.

 

When my mom was out at nights working.. we used to have little parties at our house.. I mean.. it was really fun.. alot of people would come.. and anything happens.. I mean anything, I really miss those times. Yea.. we're wrong for going against my Mom's wishes.. but we had to. We felt as if we were missing out of life.. being stucc home and not able to do 'normal' things.

 

Well.. anyways.. When I was in my last yr of Jr. High.. I was starting to become rebellious. I was tired of not being able to do normal things people my age would do. But because of my mom's discipline... she did not make things better.. only worst. I was getting to the point where I would lash out on her.

 

Well...come 9th Grade in HS.. this is where it all began. I was starting to be 'mean' 'bad' almost even hateful. I hated my mom.. my life and my family. I felt as if I had no family. I told my mom that she will not hit me anymore.. and that its enough. Ever since 9th Grade.. my relationship with my mom has ended.

 

I'm sorry if I'm skipping from newer to older things.. but I almost forgot to say: When I was in Jr. High.. like in either 6th or 7th grade.. my mom did something krazy. I came home from skool today. I walked thru the door to our house.. and I felt this weird feeling in my body. I just knew something bad would happen. I walked into my mom's room.. and I saw her crying.. and I seen some alcohol bottles on her night stand ( she's not much of a drinker.. so at the time.. i was thinking that this is all weird ). She was listening to some sad songs.. and she was 'talking to God' asking him why her life is so hard.

 

I told her things would be ok.. that she is not to worry about it.. that we'll make it. ( she lost her dog to old age.. and was going thru a nasty divorce with my dad ). She began giving me her jewlery and putting others to the side for my two brothers. I didn't say anything.. I just listened. Anyways.. I broke away to walk into the living room to try to figure out what to do or say to her. I walked into the kitchen and went to the picture of Jesus Christ that my mom put up on the wall.. and I began to cry and pray to him.. to not let anything bad happen.. I just knew something was going to happen.

 

I walked bacc to my mom's room.. and she had a gun in her hand. At that time I was scared and worried.. I kept telling her to put it down.. that she didn't have to do it.. just put it down. She was crying harder.. and kept pulling bacc the hammer.. and then pointing it to her head and pulling the trigger.

 

Then..after 7 or 8 attempts.. she actually cocc'd it bacc.. and then.. as she was bringing the gun towards her head.. she pulled the trigger early..and shot her stomach ( thank God it was her stomach and not her head ) and she fell bacc onto her bed slowly..as if it were a movie. I was in shocc..didn't know what to do.. and to make it worst.. right before she pulled the trigger.. my youngest bro ran to her room...and witnessed it himself.

 

Anyways.. she really has a problem. She used to cut her arms.. and trash the house up.. stabbing the walls.. to try to convince us that our Dad was the one who did it.. but I knew better than to believe that. I really feel she has problems. I just wish other people would see it..instead of just only me.

 

She was real abusive to us.. always thinking that her methods of punishment were justifiable..and that her Word is Law. She even beat her self up.. cutting her self with broken rap CD's and slicing her arms.. and getting this sticc and beating her face with it.. to call the cops and have me and my bro taken away and sent to jail.. but it didn't work that way. They didn't believe her.. yet ..they didn't do anything to her.. it was weird.

 

Well.. figuring from all this kraziness... it has impacted me. I was never good in school, I was always doing things behind her bacc.. and I just grew to hate what she put me thru. I'm Bi-sexual.. and to her.. she feels all gay/bi people should die.. she's disgusted in me. She would call me faggot.. and other words to just put me 'in my place'. She even allows my other two brothers to call me this.. and its just wrong. I can't help what I am. I've been this way ..or should I say.. I remember feeling this way since the age of 5. Its not by choice.. its just what I am.

 

Anyway.. This is long enough.. so I'll just try to shorten it up. Well.. present day.. Today.. I'm in the process of getting evicted.. I have a felony record and its not by my actions.. but by my choice of staying with a group of people who were breaking the law... primarily because of my bro. I've been in jail.. and now on Probation.. and paying the victems to which those crimes were committed.

 

Believe me.. I have no intentions on doing harm to others. All I want is a normal life. I want my own things.. my own place.. my own stuff.. just a brand new life.. all on my own. But because of my Past.. it affects my future. My record causes me to not get good jobs.. my family problems affects my work.. and from me not having work.. or money because of restitution.. am not able to move out. I feel like im in this big hole.. that only gets deeper.. tha rope that is there to help pull me out.. is only growing shorter.. I'm just stucc.

 

I have friends for emotional support.. and to help me when I really need a place to stay. I've met this wonderful lady.. who accepted me as part of her family. She makes me feel like as if she's my mom.. and that I can tell her anything.. and that I'll have her full support.

 

Ok guys.. don't get me wrong. My mom does have a good side to her.. its just that her way of dealing with things are wrong.. and she's not all krazy like that anymore.. tho sometimes she do be acting kinda psychotic.. but nothing compared to how she was before. My parents are together.. and they're planning on moving down south.

 

Me.. I'm still stucc.. Jobless.. no HS Diploma.. no place of my own... nothing. Am in debt (restitution) and not in the best of mood.. no lucc comes my way.. nothing but stress and heart ache.

 

This is the end of my Tale.

 

Any opinions.. or any ac-knowledgments of you having read all of this LoL would be good. I have left out many details.. but its because I didn't want to bore some people.. and have other people read a whole novel. Feel free to ask any questions if you have any.

 

[mookie]

[color=darkblue]This is very common for a mother to do this to her children, After years of research I found that as parents age they become very insecure, Like me for instance I'm 42 and I found out why my mom likes to get me angry all the time, She knows I have a short fuse where I get angry and scream at her, SO the only way for my mom to know that I'm still her little boy is to see whether or not I still throw these fits.

 

When I come over she likes to play con games with me, Just when I'm ready to go home she'll say something like this, Well looks like I'll have to find someone else to take that trash out or get my mail, I say mom your such a kid if you want something done just ask Stop Playing With My Mind, I call her a schnorrer, In German that means a person who wheedles others into doing there responsibilities for them,

And this is why mothers get upset when you start dating cause they know you won't be around to be mommys little helper anymore.

 

Remember the past cannot be changed, But the future is whatever you want it to be.[/color]

[zoomer]

First of all, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders despite the abuse you have endured. You are exactly right, your mother has serious problems and should have been detained by law enforcement for her actions...nevermind that because the past is just that...you can not change your past or your upbringing. You can not change your mother. You can only be accountable for yourself! What you can do is change your future. Unfortunately, abuse is a vicious circle..when abused, more often the abused eventually turn into the abuser. You can stop this circle by realizing that is exists and that you will go on with your life without behaving as you've been taught. I would suggest counseling or assistance from a professional who could guide you.

 

I am a little confused about the criminal chgs. since you are 19 now?? These crimes occurred when you were 18 or older? Otherwise, they should be juvenile charges. None the less, there are places of employment who hire "ex-cons" and/or "trustees", check into that for employment temporarily while you are working towards getting your GED. Contact authorities about how you can get your charges expunged or sealed. This can be done since you are such a young age...However, you will need to show that you are truly attempting to change your life and straighten out your "wrongs". You can do it! It all sounds sooo easy to write down...Yet I know it is not near as easy as that...It will require hard work from you and determination to change! But I know you can do it! With a GED (that you will get) and no record....you will go anywhere you want and be whatever you want!!!

 

You said you found a really nice lady who represents a good mother to you? Go to her..sounds like she can and will help you along the way. Can you live w/her? I was a little confused about the parents and you being evicted since I thought you were still living with your parents...are they evicting you?

 

I wish you all the best and although you've endured horrible things....and it seems sometimes that all is bad and we have no luck, it's not that way. Good things will come your way. Your story just breaks my heart because what you've gone through is very traumatic and has effected your choices in life so far. You are very, very young and have a tremendous life ahead of you. Keep your strength and have faith. Good Luck to you.

[Wolvesbaned]

Wow. You're one tough kid. I applaud you for wanting to change your life and looking out for your future. You also seem intelligent, have a conscience and are aware of what's going on around you. There's one aspect you do need to work on and it's diligence. Whatever it is you want accomplish, don't give up! Seriously, the successful people in this world aren't all smart with rich parents. Once you get your GED and enter into college you'll realize that the people getting A's aren't nessessarily smarter than you, they just put in hours of work.

 

But first things first. When's your probation over? Can you move while on probation? Talk to your probation officer or a counselor (or another adult figure other than your Mom and immediate family) about finding a job out of town -- preferably out of state. Even if the only job available is at the armpit of the world and you'll be hauling hay all day --do it. You need to get away from your family situation. The longer you stay, the more complications will arise, making it close to impossible to get ahead in life. I'm sorry if this may sound harsh, by advising you to leave your family behind. But there comes a time when a man needs to prepare for his own family one day. How can you do this by dealing with your current day-to-days? Once you make it in the big world, you can even chose to help out with their situation, all-in-all you'll have more options open to you if you make something of yourself.

 

That leads me to talk about another thing you need to work on: shifting a little of your focus with what's going on around you to a more world view. I know how it feels to be young. Your neighborhood and 10 miles around it is your world. But there's more out there - you need to focus on what you can be in the real world, instead of your role in your hood, school, or home town.

 

I can elaborate on the moving away idea but I'm not sure if it's even possible for you to considering your probation status. So I'll ask again, is it possible for you to move out? Nevermind not having a place to stay or finding a job (for now), will your probation allow a move?

 

Take care of yourself.

[little liz]

" I walked into the kitchen and went to the picture of Jesus Christ that my mom put up on the wall.. and I began to cry and pray to him.. to not let anything bad happen.. "

Goto church look for sme young adult groups that you can goto to get hte right group of friends, people who can help you turn your life around, be strong and i know u can make it. Dont be afriad to be who u are, "Live the life you love, and love the life you live"

[spencer]

DayumQuitPlayin

 

I know what its like, I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home.

Teachers and some adults have no idea how hard it is to focus on school and work when your paranoid about what you might come home too. Even when you seem to not be conscious of it, you are disturbed and it shows in everyday struggles.

 

Its clear to me, and others, that you are not stupid, (im sure you've been told that one).

you are quite intelligent and have a high level of functioning.

your directions in life have been caotic. thats pretty normal for someone growing up like you did.

 

Im sorry no one took care of you. the authorities should have court ordered your mother to get counseling, and im surprised they didn't put her in the psych ward after she shot herself.

they failed you.

 

pat yourself on the back for surviving through this upbringing. I applaud you.

realize that you have more obstacles to overcome than most. then appreciate that you have been able to get this far in life.

 

definately get your GED, i know there are some GED classes that will help you with that english of yours . then take a really easy college class, like music 101, or something, then you can always put on a resume that you have some college.

 

due to your financial constraints, it does appear that you will have to live for free, that probably means home, although this is not really emotionally healthy for you, i know you have been though so much already that you can probably stick out another year or two.

if you really cant take it at home, as soon as you have that GED join the airforce, I know there is a base where you live.

 

nothing is going to be easy, but with clear directions, ask other sucessful people for help on this, or a social worker, they can really help you starting from scratch, ie..school, bugeting, jobs ect.. you can soon become a self sufficent person.

 

keep reaching out and ask for help from the free services in your community.

you have nothing to be ashamed of, the abuse was done to you, and you had no control.

try Catholic Family Services to start.

 

i wish you sucess for your future and peace in your soul

[msrealdoll]

Your background and family life are so similar to mine. My mom was nuts, and caused chaos in my home until I was 20 and she died-of suicide.

 

I suggest you start with counseling. Get it wherever you can-a state or local mental health organization is a good place to start. Because of all the trauma you endured as a child, you probably never learned the proper skills to deal with life. A therapist can help you to 'catch up'.

 

There are some things in life that you just shouldn't handle on your own. Watching a parent in the act of attempted suicide is one of them. You'll need help to get past that.

 

I know that your life has pretty much sucked up until now, and it's not your fault. But it's time to realize that part of your life is over, and you control what happens from now on. I know, it probably doesn't seem like you have much control. But you do.

 

I wasted my 20's wallowing in self pity and running from responsibility for my life. Part of the problem was that I didn't learn in childhood the skills needed to deal with my emotions and life in general. I sought therapy in my 30's, and finally sorted things out.

 

Don't waste any more time-get the help you obviously want and need now. One thing you can look forward to...because of your background, you have experiences that will give you insight most people never gain or need. Once you get it all straightened out, it will have made you a much stronger person. You sound like a really smart person. Just the fact that you want help is a sign that you will succeed.

 

Just remember-you are in control. There will be setbacks and obstacles, but you'll make it.

[DayumQuitPlayin]

Thank you so much for your comments and advise. I really do appreciate it.

 

My probation should end Feb. 1 2005... if I pay off the restitution on time.. if not then it will get extended... or I could end up going to jail..which I doubt.

 

Yea.. my parents evicted me... well more like my Mom.. But I'm back now. She tries her hardest to get into arguments with me.. and she does make things unfair for me.. but ohwell.. im concentrating on myself now.

 

Thanx again for replying to my post.

 

By the way.. sorry for writing so late.. I was away for awhile.