Building the social circle

[b_80_h]

So, after a rough break up, I realized that my social circle has dwindled to almost zero. I have a few friends here and there who are close enough to be like family, but I don't seem to have many non-family connections these days.

 

I fell in with some of my ex's friends, and some of my football teammates, while I was at the university, but now that I'm single and taking a break from that school, I lost the friends I had originally gained.

 

I'm not one who's known for having massive circles of close friends, because I've never been too trusting of people (I had a lot of female friends in high school, and I got jerked around romantically by quite a few of them). However, I was always a chameleon who could blend in with nearly any social group and flourish.

 

I've been spreading out, learning the guitar and trying to jam with people as I continue learning, but this activity has helped me recognize how limited my circle is at the moment. It's always been weird for me to ask this, but I feel like I have to: how does one really make friends?

[hikaru]

I'm in the same boat, and slowly making new contacts. I went to visit people I didn't know with some guy i hardly know, but met at a race. I ended up having a great time, and I think I've made a new good friend. just wish I could make more, sooner, and maybe some that weren't so far away.

[unknownsources]

I feel ya. It can be tough for people who didn't always have a ton of friends. I realized after high school that my social pool there was very small, and I had moved across the country where there was nobody that I knew.

 

One thing I've learned is that sometimes friendships just fall into place. You just have to be open to em. When I started feeling like I didn't have any friends, I realized it was because I wasn't really trying but I also wasn't really putting good vibes out. So I started making an effort to do small-talk where possible, just to get used to talking to people around me, and now I've met a bunch of people I never would have said a word to before.

 

I've been spreading out, learning the guitar and trying to jam with people as I continue learning, but this activity has helped me recognize how limited my circle is at the moment. It's always been weird for me to ask this, but I feel like I have to: how does one really make friends?

 

 

Guitar can be a good way to meet new people. See if there's a local place where musicians hang out and play some music. Even if you're just learning, it'll help a lot and you might meet some friendly people (or just potheads but there are a few non-druggy musicians out there ).

[b_80_h]

I've been noticing that music has helped me branch out, and each time I indulge my interests, more people seem to pop up, so I'm hoping that helps.

 

As far as letting people in... I used to be a fairly trusting guy, but even with my outlook, I'm not so sure about people anymore. Any ways to overcome that somewhat?

[unknownsources]

I've been noticing that music has helped me branch out, and each time I indulge my interests, more people seem to pop up, so I'm hoping that helps.

 

As far as letting people in... I used to be a fairly trusting guy, but even with my outlook, I'm not so sure about people anymore. Any ways to overcome that somewhat?

 

 

 

I guess just be friends with people. They don't have to be your closest friends who you tell everything to or have your back at every corner. At least not at first. As you get to know them better, you'll start to trust them more (or not, some people aren't very trustworthy, eh?).

[b_80_h]

I guess just be friends with people. They don't have to be your closest friends who you tell everything to or have your back at every corner. At least not at first. As you get to know them better, you'll start to trust them more (or not, some people aren't very trustworthy, eh?).

 

Nope, some certainly aren't... lol

[unknownsources]

Nope, some certainly aren't... lol

 

 

But, that doesn't mean they should ruin the fun for everyone else

[cerridwen]

To make new friends:

 

• Be friendly, open, and approachable. Supersize those good vibes.
  
• Make a concerted effort to connect through small talk.
  
• If you sense a connection, escalate the small talk to friendly banter when you see the person.
  
• Cultivate an authentically positive, upbeat attitude.
  
• Take a genuine interest in others including remembering small things about them mentioned in conversation.
  
• Be prepare to initiate the exchange of information, get togethers, so forth. As the person interested in friendship, the onus is on you to "get the ball rolling." In other words, don't sit back and wait for invitations.
  

Have fun!

[b_80_h]

But, that doesn't mean they should ruin the fun for everyone else

 

I'm admittedly having trouble weeding people out and defining those friendships.

 

Specifically, I mean weeding out "friend-zone" chicks. I don't mean to be rude to anyone, but I hate women who use the "friend zone" on a guy, then act shocked when the guy leaves. I like having female friends, but I'm trying to be the person in the driver's seat, rather than the guy who gets jerked around be another person's needs.

[betterdeal]

The best way to get friends is to be one.

 

If someone asks you for favours, you don't have to give them. Judge when it's reasonable and when it's not and learn to say "I can't help you" when it's not reasonable in your mind. Favours include listening to someone's woes, so if you find yourself in a situation where someone (man or woman) always offloads there pent up anger / sorrow / frustration / negative emotions on you, ask yourself, "where is the fun?" and detach from it if it's unrelenting. At the end of the day, friendships need to balance up to being enjoyable and if they don't, change them to make them so.

 

I have a friend, lovely woman, who used to keep getting contacted periodically by a guy she knew at university, except he only ever contacted her whenever he split up with a girlfriend. She pointed this out to him after a few years / times of this happening and never heard from him again. That was his choice, to not mend the friendship and instead abandon it.

 

I have another friend, someone who I got close to on and off over the years, and she would offload about her relationship problems, but we would also have fun and good times, break the ice of each other with prospective partners, and I'd seek solace in her when things were troublesome in my life too. Overall, it was a positive thing.

 

And sometimes learning the art of emotional detachment (or switching off as we men used to call it) when someone is nagging is quite a useful skill. They're droning on about something or other; you're thinking about shepherd's pie; but you also make a mental note of some keywords in their rambling noise in case they ask for feedback.

 

You can get the general gist of something without paying utmost attention to it. They're upset; something to do with someone called Maureen at work; should I add sweetcorn to the shepherd's pie this time; been going on a long time; promotions and redundancies; Marmite is definitely worth adding for seasoning; had a fling with the boss etc etc.

 

Don't spend all your time with one person especially if you have a bit of a softspot for them and it's not transpired into something more in a reasonable period of time. Maintain your connections and keep your social life vibrant and varied. Sure, you have best buddies (male or female) but also do your own things and mix with different people. Be who you want to be, people will decide whether or not they want to know you from that.

[WhiteChocolate]

Don't spend all your time with one person especially if you have a bit of a softspot for them and it's not transpired into something more in a reasonable period of time. Maintain your connections and keep your social life vibrant and varied. Sure, you have best buddies (male or female) but also do your own things and mix with different people. Be who you want to be, people will decide whether or not they want to know you from that.

This is great advice!

[yongyong]

I really have no clue for this either.

-I am self-employed (I meet people everyday but there is no way I can ask some customers 'hey you seem nice. do you want to be friends?' lol)

-I didn't go to high school here.

-I am foreign. (I get the 'look' when I walk in)

 

I looked up some groups in the area on meetup.com It's for everyone. (eg: I see woman in 40s, guys in 50s) so I am not interested. I just want to hangout with people who's around my age, who dresses like me.

I wish I can approach a group like that and say 'hey can I join you guys, I need a friend' hahahahaha

 

anyways I think friendship is like a trade. you can't bring a water to trade it with a vodka.

You have to bring the value while receiving some.

Met this guy to buy segway. he drove it with me around the neighborhood, explained everything, was super nice. he had nice house and seemed very successful. it would've been a good business connection opportunity. on the other hand, I had nothing to offer him. so it won't work.

Edited November 24, 2011 by yongyong

[oldguy]

Let me guess, your the youngest child or where raised more like an only child?

People who are the youngest or raised like an only child sometimes have a more defined perception or maybe just expectations of relationships & friendships I think. Their FB friend are rarely 400 or more, LOL. I don't even know 400 people.

 

There are friends & there are social groups we define as friends but once that group is dissolved, we graduate from school, change jobs or end a relationship with a SO, many of those relationships also dissolve. When I was in the military I had a 'band of brothers' & we where sure we would be life long friends. With rare exception some of us exchange Christmas cards but that's about it.

 

Most people who get married don't continue to hang onto their single friends long, especially after they have kids.

 

Between work, volunteer groups, hobby associates, (people that share a hobby interest), & in-laws I probably have several dozens friends. People that I like, who I believe like me & I know at least their first name.

But I have maybe 4 life long friends, people I'm not related to& I count myself as being truly blessed.

 

One of the most puzzling comments I received after my marriage of more than 20 years ended came from an ex in-law; "I wish we could choose which one we got to keep". That was more than 10 years ago & I still haven't been able to fully wrap my head around that one.

 

My point is; friendships are fragile I think. But I believe they begin in social settings, groups who share interests & develop from there. The 4 people I call 'my life long friends' are different in that, we don't really have common life styles, we don't really share many interests, what we do share is 'history', we have been friends for no apparent reason & for a very long time. We just like each other. "A friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway".

Edited November 24, 2011 by oldguy

[b_80_h]

Let me guess, your the youngest child or where raised more like an only child?

People who are the youngest or raised like an only child sometimes have a more defined perception or maybe just expectations of relationships & friendships I think. Their FB friend are rarely 400 or more, LOL. I don't even know 400 people.

 

There are friends & there are social groups we define as friends but once that group is dissolved, we graduate from school, change jobs or end a relationship with a SO, many of those relationships also dissolve. When I was in the military I had a 'band of brothers' & we where sure we would be life long friends. With rare exception some of us exchange Christmas cards but that's about it.

 

Most people who get married don't continue to hang onto their single friends long, especially after they have kids.

 

Between work, volunteer groups, hobby associates, (people that share a hobby interest), & in-laws I probably have several dozens friends. People that I like, who I believe like me & I know at least their first name.

But I have maybe 4 life long friends, people I'm not related to& I count myself as being truly blessed.

 

One of the most puzzling comments I received after my marriage of more than 20 years ended came from an ex in-law; "I wish we could choose which one we got to keep". That was more than 10 years ago & I still haven't been able to fully wrap my head around that one.

 

My point is; friendships are fragile I think. But I believe they begin in social settings, groups who share interests & develop from there. The 4 people I call 'my life long friends' are different in that, we don't really have common life styles, we don't really share many interests, what we do share is 'history', we have been friends for no apparent reason & for a very long time. We just like each other. "A friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway".

 

Actually, I'm the eldest child in my family (including "acknowledged" cousins), so I'm kind of used to having people gravitate towards me in a way. This gives me a lot to consider, especially concerning my intentions.

 

For the most part, I can come off as a massive social butterfly, but I had friends betray me early on in ways that have inhibited my ability to trust people (in a good way, as it's more healthy skepticism now)

 

I guess I'm just finding it confusing... Not the practice of "making friends," but more or less the practice of developing adult friendships...

 

I'm 19, go figure... lol

[YaOldBuckaroo]

So, after a rough break up, I realized that my social circle has dwindled to almost zero. I have a few friends here and there who are close enough to be like family, but I don't seem to have many non-family connections these days.

 

I fell in with some of my ex's friends, and some of my football teammates, while I was at the university, but now that I'm single and taking a break from that school, I lost the friends I had originally gained.

 

I'm not one who's known for having massive circles of close friends, because I've never been too trusting of people (I had a lot of female friends in high school, and I got jerked around romantically by quite a few of them). However, I was always a chameleon who could blend in with nearly any social group and flourish.

 

I've been spreading out, learning the guitar and trying to jam with people as I continue learning, but this activity has helped me recognize how limited my circle is at the moment. It's always been weird for me to ask this, but I feel like I have to: how does one really make friends?

 

Hey b_80_h

 

A good way to make friends is to show you've got high social value, meaning you're able to confidently speak to and listen to whoever is in front of you. As people realize how socially intelligent plus confident you are as a person, people will NATURALLY want to be around you.

 

You could start off with getting a girlfriend, and befriending her circle of friends. Below is a helpful article that explains everything I just said in better detail:

 

http://www.blackbeltseduction.com/blog/archives/439

 

Hope this helps,

 

Max

[oldguy]

Actually, I'm the eldest child in my family (including "acknowledged" cousins), so I'm kind of used to having people gravitate towards me in a way. This gives me a lot to consider, especially concerning my intentions.

 

For the most part, I can come off as a massive social butterfly, but I had friends betray me early on in ways that have inhibited my ability to trust people (in a good way, as it's more healthy skepticism now)

 

I guess I'm just finding it confusing... Not the practice of "making friends," but more or less the practice of developing adult friendships...

 

I'm 19, go figure... lol

 

That's interesting, I'v noticed that it is generally the youngest child, or one that is raised like an only child, (either because they are, or there is a significant age difference between them & the next), that tend to gravitate more towards a few very close friends & consider the rest acquaintances. That's not to say they aren't social butterflies, it's just been my observation they seem more comfortable in smaller more intimate groups. They are also the ones more apt to think in terms of, 'soul mate', also. Which is not a bad thing at all.

 

I think friendships have to be nurtured & grown & some are just not healthy enough to make the cut & that I've seen, as well as have experienced as being an issue for most of us. When to let go & move on, especially if we have invested so much.

 

The hand full of good friends that I cherish have survived times when we haven't had much in common; different marital status, political as well as religious views, even children of greatly different ages But we seem to have a common ground in that we respect each others views as well as varied stages in life. I'm not sure how that came to be.

 

Maybe it's that wide eyed open mindedness that makes it easier to form friendships as a child than the cynical, scarred skepticism we inherit as we get older.