Need an outsiders perspective -father daughter relo

[DantaX]

im a 23/f/only child and i have had a really bad and rocky relationship with my father. He was in and out of my life since the day i was born. Years have passed when we have had no contact since my birth so its been a very unstable on/off relationship. He had numerous affairs during my parents marriage and is now up to 4th marriage. At age 49, he is still the same. During my childhood he attempted suicide numerous times, which further added to my low self-esteem. My dad didnt even find me worth being alive for.

 

At 23, i look back at my life, and feel as though i have tried to get some form of closure in relation to my dad. I wanted him to understand the pain he caused me. But he is so caught up in his own. He told me recently his feelings and his fear of abandonment (he was adopted) and i tried to explain that his actions have caused similar feelings in me. His response was "Oh I never realised OTHER people experienced those kind of feelings"

 

The other week my parents agreed to buy me a new car so i can get to university and work. Since i lost my car in a huge accident over a year ago which i was not at fault. After realising my father had some kind of hold over me, with promises of the car i desperately need, he dropped the bomb on me that he had proposed to his gf of 5 months, expecting me not to react because if i do... i might not get the car i needed. He said that they werent getting married for ages....a few months. Then he asked me how work was going and uni. Then he added that the reason they are RUSHING to get married is so that they can have a family together (her being 39). I was in shock. He proceeded to say i will finally get the brothers and sisters i didnt get (my mum had 5 miscarriages after me during their marriage).

 

2 weeks pass. Today dad informs me that his gf is actually almost 3 months pregnant. And he was moving into her place today. I was devastated. but didnt show it. I needed to think.

 

After much thought, i cant do this relationship anymore. His first marriage after my parents split was with the last woman he had an affair on my mother with. i was 16 and refused to go to the wedding. He deemed me selfish and didnt care or want my dad to be happy.

 

I emailed him tonight saying that i had come to the conclusion it was best for my emotional stability if i cut him out of my life as i find him incapable of empathy towards anyone. and i wished him the best.

 

I know he will consider me selfish, but i cant support my father with another family when he abandoned me over and over. I dont feel like he deserves it. I feel like if i stay in touch him i will become more resentful if he is better to this child, or repeats his actions that he did to me. I cant watch this.

 

Basically i just want outside opinions. I am constantly hurt by my dads actions . I am curious if others have cut themselves off from a parent, and whether it allowed healing. I have realised my Dad will not understand what he did, and that he is too self-absorbed. I need to find closure on my own, and i am going to start therapy. Im just so lost, i am grieving the loss of a father i feel i never really had.

[Nikki82]

I hope you're not surprised you didn't get the car out of him.

 

Just because your Dad is messed up doesn't mean you have to somehow be the victim. How is your life otherwise? How are your own relationships and friendships?

 

What about this baby? That baby is your brother or sister! You're going to "abandon" them because you're tired of your Dad's ways? I say this to show how you could be hypocritical, in my opinion.

 

When your Dad does come around, do you two ever have a nice time? Go to dinner? Sit around and talk and catch up?

 

I know this is easier said than done, but you can't waste your life away playing the victim card. Beating yourself up because you came up with the thought that your dad considered killing himself because even you weren't worth living for is irrational. A suicidal person is also not rational so it has nothing to do with their feelings towards the important people in their lives.

 

Stop playing the victim and just live a happy life. Live in the present. Get out of the past.