Has she fallen out of love, or is it depression?

[coriander5]

My partner and I have been together for almost five years now. A couple of months ago, she stunned me by telling me that she didn't love me anymore, and that she felt an 'empty', 'numb' feeling inside her, and that she wanted to end the relationship. She can't explain it except for that she believes that love has simply died - but there doesn't seem to be a reason for it.

 

Nothing's changed between us - we're each others' best friends, have great times doing things together, share a wonderful home and a life that's just simply full of love. There isn't someone else she's interested in. Sex has always been wonderful for us, but since she's admitted how she's felt, she says now she can't bear to think about it.

 

The way she describes it is, that while our relationship has gone through highs and lows (like most relationships do), she says the lows have been getting longer - and that one day she made up her mind, and everything changed. But she also feels that we've got an amazing relationship, and that she still thinks I'm attractive - she's not bored of me, and she's not bored of the relationship - she just feels she can't go on when she feels so empty inside.

 

It's quite hard for me, as you can imagine, because I'm trying to love her the best I can, but she seems to be able to function quite normally on a day-to-day basis. It upsets her when I want to talk about our relationship, as she doesn't feel comfortable about being introspective - although she has tried to give me some answers, to the best of her ability.

 

I am concerned that she may be making a decision based on a negative pattern of thought, that's perhaps influenced her to 'shut down' her feelings. Is this possible? She does carry with her a number of things she's not necessarily happy with - her job, for one - and perhaps her general direction in life.

 

We've lived pretty much in each others' pockets for the last five years, she figures perhaps she needs a little space to try and find herself. I love her very much, and I dearly wish that she could perhaps be a little more objective about the situation, before deciding to throw it all away. But I'm trying to understand that she also cannot help how she feels - an analogy she's used is "If you don't like the taste of chocolate - why would you want to like the taste of chocolate?".

 

She clearly loves me very much, and this is reflected in the things she does and the way she treats me - she's just not in love anymore. I've spoken to many couples who seem to have worked through similar situations, but they've had children and/or a marriage to bind them together through the hard times, and keep them focussed. These couples couldn't be happier today, which leads me to believe that this love can be recovered.

 

Is this perhaps symbolic of a type of depression? We're heading into therapy this week, and I would appreciate any thoughts or advice about how to proceed.

 

Thanks guys

[average guy]

As far as I know, depression does not make someone not love someone - probably the opposite; it makes someone need someone. But I think you have the situation well in hand by going to see a therapist. Good luck

[traveler]

corriander5,

 

i have the same situation with my GF. out of nowhere she became distant, etc. and i ended it. she hates her job, her life, everybody at work, signs of paranoia, etc. I later found out she is on anti-depressives and had a history of depression. its important to know about depression before you get involved with someone who has it, because it is a definite killer of relationships. I found out it is a mental illness, and the depressives have no idea why they feel this way toward someone they love----they cant merely snap out of it. drugs help, but are no guarantee.

 

To see if your GF could be possibly experiencing depression and how this has affected your relationship, check out depressionfallout.com. An excellent website for the victims of depression other than the people who actually have it. Sometimes the "caretakers" have the worst of it, with the rejection and the selfishness all thrown upon them for no apparent good reason. good luck.

[Music Lover]

Sounds to me like you are doing everything right. and yes it does sound like she is depressed. I know for me when I'm in depression I don't want anyone in my life. I feel so numb like I'm in a one way mirror looking out. Nothing is real to me. Depression is a very serious problem and one that needs to be dealt with. Good luck.

[coriander5]

Thanks a lot, guys. Traveler, http://www.depressionfallout.com has been a fantastic point of reference for me, and has surely opened my eyes to the possibilities of my partner being depressed. There are so many people with similar circumstances! I also ordered the book off Amazon, and am currently reading it. Thank you, without your pointer I would not have found this resource that has ultimately helped me gain some control of the situation.

 

I'd highly recommend the Depression Fallout forums for anyone else feeling this way - the stories and experiences on it have really helped me put things into perspective, and to actually find the strength to proceed due to a better understanding of what might well be going on.

 

I've since stopped trying to get her to talk about her emotions and why she's feeling the way she feels - which hasn't helped anyway as she generally feels confused, and when pressed for an answer she says things that upsets us both. By not pressuring her into feeling 'in love', or by constantly telling her I love her, it's given her some space to start feeling comfortable around me again.

 

My advice to anyone in this situation is, to let your partner know that you're there, and give him/her as much comfort as you are able to. But first, take care of yourself, and make sure that your needs are being seen to as well! Don't pressure them, and most of all, don't lapse into the needy, upset individual that your behaviour naturally dictates you become. I was an absolute wreck for a few weeks there, and this made it even more apparent that our relationship had taken a turn for the worse.

 

I've learned to be myself, and be absolutely the person she fell in love with - being upset only gave her more reason to want to distance herself from me. Being myself, and giving her support without the pressure, means she can take the time to figure things out for herself and hopefully, come 'back to the light'.

 

She's moving out for awhile, but things are still looking a little better than they were a couple of months ago - talk of breaking up has now turned to talk of taking a time out. And the idea that maybe, once every few years she'll need to take some time out for herself, gives her hope for our relationship. I'm taking this time to do the things I've always wanted to do for myself, and to make myself a better person - and hopefully, things will turn out better for both of us if she comes back.

[uriel]

I went through something similar with my husband of many years. I was suffering from major depression due to a job loss. I almost ended our marriage because of it (this was 4 years ago).

 

Depression can cause the very symptoms you've described. Depressives sometimes project their depressive feelings onto fixed causes outside themselves, rather than onto their own damaged internal cognitive processes. It's that which must be addressed.

 

You need both couples therapy for the two of you and individual therapy for at least her. Hopefully, your relationship can be saved. Ours was, and I'm grateful every day that I didn't lose my connection to my husband -- even though it was stretched so thin I'd said I was thinking about leaving.

 

My life wouldn't be the same without him. The main difference now is that I can feel the love I have for him, as well as every other sensation I couldn't before. Well, life is good and yours can be again if she commits to the healing work and you do your best to support her through it, but also set up your own boundaries and needs.

 

Good luck to you -- uriel