Wife had affair

[ijdk]

So no new story here. I was a non "loving husband". I work, pay all the bills, take care of the kids and home. Pretty much worn out and tired of doing most of everything. I lost my sex drive and was pretty much pissed off all time as my wife went to school and worked part time to pay for her fuel and groceries.

 

My wife fell out of love with me and started an affair with what I call a loser. They were students together and have a lot of common things to talk about including the same friends. I'm sure he says all the right things as well.

 

Anyway, I found about it in March and tried to get her to make a choice. I would say her mind chose me but her heart was with him as she continued to go to school with him and remain "friends" till the end of school in June. Now it has been 4 months and she still can't go very long without emailing, or phone conversations with him. I have addressed it many time and am understanding but I can't put up with it forever. She has also established a friendship with his mother and speaks to her on the phone regularly. I have changed for the better but I am still not romantic and such as I get pissed off about her still being in contact with this guy. She claims to not want to have sex with anyone. I can have sex with her but get tired of doing all the initiating and work.

 

I feel she will never truly be in love with me again until the OM becomes a stranger forever and she completely goes through the withdrawl stage and understands that we can have a great marraige. She says she has tried and can't go without talking to him as it makes her feel better.

 

I really want our marraige to work but I feel if I put my foot down about this we will both just stay pissy with each other until I put the effort in again to make up with her. It is a cycle that just never stops. She feels since she comes home everyday and does not see him it is ok for the emails and talking once in a while.

 

Do I let this continue to see if it ever faids away and how long do I give here?

 

Do I call it a deal breaker and be miserable in my home as she has no means to leave?

 

I really want our marraige to work but I'm tired of feeling like a pussy for not ending it as she still has an emotional attatchment with the OM and maybe she always will.

Edited November 15, 2011 by ijdk

[analystfromhell]

Have you tried counseling with her? Do you want this to work or have you written it off as well?

[ijdk]

I have not tried concelling as funds and time do not permit right now. I have not written her off but I might in the near future when I am completely tired of her not ending it completely with this guy. I want her to make the choice on her own but that looks like it isn't going to happen anytime soon. I understand the affair and what it does to people but is it ever going to end completely? I would say I am forgiving for the affair but not all the BS that came after.

[ijdk]

I have tried to use her best friend to give her guidance but they no longer talk now because of this. The last thing my wife wants is someone telling her what to do.

[analystfromhell]

You might contact a lawyer (money of course) just in case it's best to understand what's smart to do. They can help you better understand you legal options and so on. Just coasting along assuming/hoping it might end is, well you can peruse the forums and see how well that's worked out for others.

[Lucky_One]

It is my firm belief that a marriage can heal from infidelity. I also firmly believe that all contact must stop with the AP.

 

She's just taking a hit from her crackpipe. BTDT. Instead of doing the hard work of introspection and the hard work of repair, she makes herself feel a bit better by self-medicating, but she is using an illegal drug.

 

I think you are going to have to insist on NC. She may have nowhere to go, but she can't stay there, either, and continue putting this in your face.

 

Good luck.

[TigerCub]

ijdk,

 

I understand that you've been through a lot of hurt and I hope that what I say doesn't add to it:

 

But...

 

You need to man up and put your foot down.

What do you hope to accomplish by allowing her to continue with her affair partner?

 

Honestly, I don't know her, but speaking as a woman, every time you just lay down and take it, I'm guessing that deep down she loses more and more respect for you.

 

Most women want a man to push back, not just take being mistreated with a smile and maybe a complaint here and there.

 

You will not fix your marriage and you will not regain her respect unless you put your foot down.

 

Also, keep in mind, if a woman doesn't trust a man and doesn't think he's capable, there is no way she's be attracted to him and ready to fall in love.

 

I understand that you love her, but as of this moment, right now, the way she's treating you and your family, what is it that you actually love about her and want to put yourself through all this crap for?

[ijdk]

ijdk,

 

I understand that you've been through a lot of hurt and I hope that what I say doesn't add to it:

 

But...

 

You need to man up and put your foot down.

What do you hope to accomplish by allowing her to continue with her affair partner?

 

Honestly, I don't know her, but speaking as a woman, every time you just lay down and take it, I'm guessing that deep down she loses more and more respect for you.

 

Most women want a man to push back, not just take being mistreated with a smile and maybe a complaint here and there.

 

You will not fix your marriage and you will not regain her respect unless you put your foot down.

 

Also, keep in mind, if a woman doesn't trust a man and doesn't think he's capable, there is no way she's be attracted to him and ready to fall in love.

 

I understand that you love her, but as of this moment, right now, the way she's treating you and your family, what is it that you actually love about her and want to put yourself through all this crap for?

 

 

Yeah I know. I love the wife she used to be and could be again. I am really tight financially since I have been paying all the bills and can not afford child support or an an attorney. She has been dwindling down her convos with him and I was hoping he would give up at some point or she would realize convos just aren't worth it after a while. I am finally posting on here after months of reading posts and I think I just need a push from people to man up and tell her I am done with her BS. The problem is she isn't going to leave until the divorce is final since she is a student and works part time. So then once I anounce I am done what is she going to do? Start spreading her legs again? Do I end our marraige because of emails and phone calls? Then I think that she has damaged herself and will never be a great wife to me. Maybe she will be attached emotionally to this guy forever. Anyway I will check the phone records in a couple of weeks and if nothing has changed I will tell her she a choice to make on the spot. Is that fair?

[GorillaTheater]

Anyway I will check the phone records in a couple of weeks and if nothing has changed I will tell her she a choice to make on the spot. Is that fair?

 

Too fair. If you know she's still talking to him, phone records or no phone records, I'd cooly and calmly give that ultimatum this evening. Him or you. Give her 4 minutes, maybe 5, to think it over. No "sleep on it" or "let me know this weekend". Choose now, or you will. If it's him, she needs to GTFO tonight. If it's you, complete and utter NC starting immediately (no "closure" or "goodbye" crap) and total transparency with her phone, computer, etc.

 

The hell with this crap. If this isn't how you want to live your life, take charge and make a change.

[GorillaTheater]

In the meantime do this :

1 - implement the 180 (look it up on google/this site)

2 - repost this thread in the infidelity section or contact a mod

3 - talk to lawyer and start getting ready. Make backup of all proof and keep a copy at the lawyer. DO NOT take a female lawyer, not all are bad, but some may be gender bias and you don't want to risk your rights to your children.

4 - if she decides to make it work, she needs to pull the wagon, not you.

This means NC with MC and IC. Full disclosure, she has no rights ... she lost those when she decided to cheat on you instead of talking to you because you were the f*cking mule of the family.

5 - expose the affair to everyone, even contact OM's mother (i'm a vindictive *******) and inform her. Do this before 4.

You need to expose the affair. Affairs are good for them only when they are illicit.

6 - document everything, everything she does and corroborate everything with witnesses. Men are 2nd class citizens in divorces and you need the family on your side.

7 - wear a VAR (voice activated recorder). When the gravy train ends it's ride, many WW decide to use their best card ... call the police and make false allegations against you. You will need this. If she pulls this card and you don't act the way you should act and are not prepared you risk losing your house (domestic abuse allegations, she doesn't have to prove anything and then files for restraining order, than she will claim that you deserted the family) and access to your children while still being forced to pay for them.

8 - stop having sex with her. She is not into you, and she needs to respect you to crave you. Right now she feels like you are forcing her into sex, like you are raping her. It's counterproductive if you want reconciliation.

It also means you condone the affair if it is still going on (and it sounds it became an emotional affair when you found out about it).

 

Most lawyers offer 30min free consultation. Contact all of the lawyers in the area, and take them up on this, ask their opinion.

This way they won't take her as a client because of a conflict of interest.

Start with all of the female lawyers in the area, and work your way from the best to the worst.

Might want to talk to an accountant.

 

You are not being shifty, you are not being a sneak. Many WW have no concept of honor and will do whatever they can to hurt you, because you broke their fantasy.

Women have a lot of support from the state in the divorce proceedings, in fact too much tbh.

You need to prepare for this.

 

Good stuff, and I'll add a couple of points:

 

1) Nothing wrong with a female divorce attorney representing a man. As long as she's mean as hell.

 

2) Check out the Dad's Divorce site. It's geared towards getting men custody of their kids, and is filled with wisdom on the subject.

[loversquarrel]

Man you have to stop being such a sap. I can not believe the punishment you are taking. You have three choices -

 

1. Suck it up and continue to be spineless

 

2. Kick her to the curb and lawyer up

 

3. Get back at her. Have an affair of your own.

 

Nothing gets back respect faster than kicking her out or having an affair of your own.

[ijdk]

Ok, I'm not that spineless. Months ago I was. I hear you all and it all sounds great. I have no extra money sitting around for a lawyer. I have been putting up with some **** because I want to do everything I can before some loser becomes the step dad to my son. Probably not this guy but it's not like I get to choose. So once I decide I don't want her anymore she isn't going anywhere until she can afford her own place which would take months.

 

I did pressure her into NC once they would no longer see eachother in school. Guess what happens when you tell someone they can't talk to somebody? I think the idea is for my wife to have NC on her own. Is there a way for that to happen?

 

Right now things aren't that bad with the wife. We get along great, we have fun, she comes right home everyday. I have a problem with every once in a while her contacting the OM and his mother which is just retarded.

 

I have read on other forums that the contact thing is normal. Which I aggree with. I don't like it but it is reality. We had years of a bad marraige and she did try many times to talk to me by the way. I didn't really care until it got really bad and I half ass started trying too late when the other guy was in the picture. Then I found out. Like I said before I understand what the affair does to people and it aint good for anyone.

 

Other than trying to control or pressure my wife is there any other advice?

[whichwayisup]

You are right, your marriage and relationship with her isn't going to change or get better as long as the OM is still in her life. She cannot have it both ways. Eat her cake and eat it too.

 

She's too attached and involved with the OM, I mean, befriending OM's mom? That's just so wrong.

 

Anyway, since it seems she can't and won't let go of the OM, you need to make a decision. I say, tell her to move out and not come back, tell her that you'll be speaking to a lawyer and draw up legal separation/divorce papers. She isn't going to wake up or change until she suffers consquences, sees what life is like without you in it.

 

Maybe she and the OM have something and sadly your marriage is over, or maybe she's in a total fog/lust/addicted to him and just needs a huge reality check (consquences again) before realizing what she is about to lose.

 

I feel for you..Sorry that you're hurting.

 

Stay strong, get some counselling in to help you cope with this stuff and most of all, act detached from her. No more begging or pleading. You talk to her as a matter of fact attitude and take control.

[ijdk]

The affair was an option because she was completely done with me. She took her rings off in January and asked to stay in the house until the end of the semester. We were going to get a divorce. At the time I didn't care and was never really a great husband to her. Then the affair became to much and I found out. She has improved 110% and so have I.

 

I aggree that she needs to have motivation and to be honest the 180 thing is pretty much the husband I was. When I do the 180 she sees me as going back to my old ways. Withdrawing and not caring about her. Well I get it and we will see what happens in the near future. I spoke to her about this a few days ago and I will give her the oportunity to fail again before I bring it up.