May be in wrong place...

[Jlast42]

I am wondering, is it possible to check on a status of a divorce that is filed but not final?

 

 

I have been dating a man for over a year. He told his wife he wanted a divorce in April 2010, filed in June/July 2010, we started dating in early August 2010. His state has a one year waiting period of separation, but they were maintaining separate addresses and not being intimate for a year prior to their relationship officially ending.

 

He has two kids. They live in a different state, having moved in 2009 with their mother for a good job opportunity. He stayed with his job. He visits them most weekends, when I don't ask him to stay. He is 45. I am 28 with two younger kids of my own (4 and 2).

 

I am separated as well for the prior two years, with no plans to reconcile or to divorce until one of us needs to move forward. My ex and I feel it makes the most sense financially. We have all the details worked out and the lawyer anticipates that after filing it will take less than two months to finalize, when we do wish to do so. My boyfriend has no problem with that. My boyfriend has met my children, once it began getting serious. He has had the choice to meet my ex, but chosen not to, and heard me on the phone with my ex referring to him. (He dislikes my ex because of his cheating on me, and says that while he'll be friendly as the kids need it, he's in no rush to be social.)

 

 

He has not given me reason to be suspicious. He answers the phone when I call wherever he is, However, my ex told the women he cheated on me with that he was separated as well, and they all believed him... until the one who finally contacted me and let everything in the open. My uncertainty stems more from that.

 

I feel like I'd feel a lot better if I could talk to her, but he says she has no interest, and that he wants to still make decisions for the kids together, and she doesn't want them to meet anyone until the divorce is final. It's apparently taking so long because of significant assets and she is being very contentious about it. (She did not/does not want the divorce.) I have talked to him about my feelings, and he says he wishes I would trust him because he is not the one who has ever betrayed me, and that he needs to make the right decision for his kids, that he is trying to nail down his lawyer on when it will be final, and that he can't wait to marry me and start our own family. He says if after the divorce is final, she is still being difficult, he won't acquiesce but he wants to be reasonable in considering her feelings and also not create problems in the division of assets.

 

He has given me access to the address where his family lives, his wife's name (including maiden), his wife's cell phone and email address, but I have the strong impression if I used them he would be very disappointed. I also don't want to start drama. If she knows about me, and doesn't want to hear from me, I want to respect that.

 

There is no other way my boyfriend does not bend and go out of his way to make sure I have everything I want and feel secure.

 

So I know you can look up divorce records. Can you look up when divorces are filed but not final? I don't like that I want to look, but I don't want to cause problems and I don't want to waste any more time, and more of my kids emotional investment, if he is a cheater. That's why I left my ex husband despite a two year old and one on the way.

 

Maybe I should just put my faith in him. That's what I would have done, exact same situation and behaviors, before my ex.

 

But if everything is the truth, I absolutely want to spend my life with this man.

 

Thoughts? Any knowledge?

[Heart On]

He has two kids. They live in a different state, having moved in 2009 with their mother for a good job opportunity. He stayed with his job. He visits them most weekends.

 

Them? Does he stay with his wife? She "didn't" want to get divorced?

She doesn't want to meet you?She wants to keep you out of her kids lives intil the divorce is final?

 

This would be red flags to me.Just because one man uses another man's betrayals to look good,doesn't mean he's on the up and up.

 

He has given me access to the address where his family lives, his wife's name (including maiden), his wife's cell phone and email address, but I have the strong impression if I used them he would be very disappointed.

 

That sounds like he's controlling you with a form of emotional blackmail.

He knows how badly you NEED confirmation and gives you the numbers but silently forbids you to check up on him.

 

 

I also don't want to start drama. If she knows about me, and doesn't want to hear from me, I want to respect that.

 

So he says!

 

Listen,did he cheat on her with you? Is that how you got together?

If not she should have NO ISSUES with you.

 

 

I think you have every right,as a girlfriend of a separated man,to have some way to verify that this is a legitimate situation for you to continue to invest in.

 

I validate your concerns!

 

If he is serious about you and upfront about his situation,what does he have to hide by you at least speaking on the phone to her?

 

I say call her.

 

And if it makes you feel more secure,what does it matter if it "disappoints" him if you make a unilateral decision and call his wife?He doesn't seem to care how being kept out of the loop makes you feel,does he?

 

Since you know the "game" some of these men play,it's no wonder you are more on guard.You thought you could implicitly trust your xH and look what that got you? If it was me,I'd demand to speak to his stbxW.

Her side of the story could be 100% different than his.

 

I don't know if you can find out who has filed,but I assume so if you ask the right people.

 

Bottom line.......as with all people....Trust,but verify!

 

NO MORE BLIND FAITH, nor Implicit Trust unless it's EARNED over time and thru adversity!

 

(that's my motto since I got played by an xMM)

 

BTW....you are one brave woman to leave a cheater while you had a 2 year old and one on the way.Don't let this guy manipulate you into believing him without solid proof.You have alot riding on his assertions.

 

The only people who want to keep things all to themselves,are the one's with hidden agenda's and who enjoy keeping knowledge as a way of withholding the power of informed consent from someone else they want to control.

[whichwayisup]

but they were maintaining separate addresses and not being intimate for a year prior to their relationship officially ending.

 

Yet she doesn't want to divorce.

 

Something smells fishy..

 

You could hire a PI. Or just tell him exactly what you said here, because of how your marriage ended you do not want to be the OW or be part of an affair that helps him hurt and betray his wife. Be blunt, be honest. IF he has nothing to hide, then it shouldn't be a big deal of you talking to a family member, a sibling or even his wife.. Though with that said, if they are on the path of divorcing, then I can understand him not wanting to share his personal life with her incase it affects the D and custody issues.

 

IN the meantime I wouldn't involve your kids too much with him. Date him but protect your heart and your kids.

[phillyfan]

Dude I agree get a PI u aint gona find out any otha way.

[Lemon Drop]

Go online to your county's Superior Court system and see if you can "find a case" online. Usually you can do this in the various courts, i.e. Criminal, Civil, Family (divorce would be family).

 

It will tell details like when it was filed, etc. Good luck.

[2sure]

 

 

 

....I feel like I'd feel a lot better if I could talk to her, but he says she has no interest, and that he wants to still make decisions for the kids together, and she doesn't want them to meet anyone until the divorce is final. It's apparently taking so long because of significant assets and she is being very contentious about it. (She did not/does not want the divorce.) I have talked to him about my feelings, and he says he wishes I would trust him because he is not the one who has ever betrayed me, and that he needs to make the right decision for his kids, that he is trying to nail down his lawyer on when it will be final, and that he can't wait to marry ....

 

You know the answer and you know better. Call him on it. You have children, you have a life on hold. This is a huge, life changing decision....do not - DO NOT - not know all the facts simply because asking his wife would "disappoint" him. He will get over it or ...he is a liar.

[spice4life]

Track down the records if you must, but my guess is that you are smelling smoke which 99.9% of the time means there is fire. He is giving you the run around for a reason and it is probably because he is working on staying in his marriage. We as women have very strong intuiton and the problem is we choose to ignore it - even though we know better. Don't wait, call him on it and if he doesn't give you the proof you need to feel better, then go find out for yourself at the court house.

[alexandria35]

OP, did you post this months ago under a different username? Sorry if I'm mistaken but parts of your opening story read almost word for word the same as another poster who was here some months back. That poster also had a MM who went home to visit his wife and kids every weekend unless the poster asked him not to. Further more that MM wouldn't let his gf talk to anyone in his life. Not just the kids and the wife, but that poster also couldn't talk to the MM's mother (she was too difficult) or sister (can't remember why) or any of the MM's friends (he didn't have many and the few he did have he claimed had moved away). He spent every weekend in his wife's basement apparently. Last we heard he had finally agreed to introduce his gf to some members of his family then the poster disappeared. If that was you, did you ever get to meet anyone from his family or his circle of friends?

 

Either way I think you know there is something odd going on here. Do you live with him? As I recall the other poster lived with her MM. This is a bad idea because first of all your kids shouldn't be getting attached to a married man and secondly the MM should have his own place where his kids can visit him. If the marriage is over than he really shouldn't be spending every weekend with his wife and sleeping in her house. I think you should follow up on this. For all you know, his wife might believe that they are still very much married but just living seperately for now due to the job situation.

[sp2007]

You can absolutely check if it is filed, but not finalized. However, I caution you that it may not give you the security you seek. Many people file, but do not go through with the divorce in the end.

 

One thing that stuck out for me is the fact that they live in separate states. Why is that? Is it because of a job? If that's the case, it could be that he is completely lying and his wife is not at all aware that they are separated.

 

On the other hand, they could be separated, but she is hoping to reconcile and he is telling her that he's confused and trying to sort it out from afar. In other words, he is gaslighting you both. Or, he could indeed be telling you the absolute truth.

 

That's the thing with separated men, you just really can't know for certain until all is said and done. Divorces take time, especially with waiting periods, children, and messy finances. But I think what really holds things up is that people are not certain.

 

That doesn't mean they won't get divorced in the end, or that they don't love you and want to be with you. However, how long is too long for you to wait? I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I have reached the end of the line.

 

My MM/BF has his own apartment. I have actually met some of his family. I have seen the draft divorce paperwork and emails from the lawyers. And yet, it's been two years and they have not finalized.

 

He assures me that he is getting divorced, and most of the time I believe he is moving in that direction, but it's getting to the point where it doesn't really matter anymore. The uncertainty and not knowing while continuing to emotional invest eventually drives you mad -- no matter how much you trust him.

 

It's hard to know how to advise you but I think the answer is probably that you are going to need to consider stepping back at some point if nothing changes. I am not sure if you are there yet. It really depends on how far you've extended emotional boundaries past the point of comfort. And of course, you have your children's feelings to consider as well.

 

Who knows? If he sees you moving away, maybe he'll pull it together and get it done quickly. If he can't, but is genuine about how he feels about you then stepping back really shouldn't matter in the long run, right?

 

I wish I could take my own advice. I know it's not easy when you love someone.

 

My very best wishes to you.

Edited November 16, 2011 by sp2007

[Jlast42]

you also are married and not divorced. there is a reason for this. both of you are married and having affairs; yet you left your husband because he had an affair. how exactly is what you are doing any different? .

 

I beg your pardon, hockeyfan. You are certainly entitled to your own religious and ethical beliefs. However, kindly do not compare my ex repeatedly sneaking behind my back and making me feel like I am going insane with insecurity over excuses to sleep with multiple women I had no knowledge of, and no choice whether to jeopardize my health (and possibly the health of my children, between breastfeeding and pregnancy) over - with my being openly involved with a man, to my ex's and family's full knowledge.

 

 

I have not posted here before.

 

I do not live with my boyfriend. My oldest child would for sure have blabbed that to all my friends, as I told her that boys and girls cannot sleep in the same bed until they are married at her recent sleepover. That is not the awkward exchange I need! No one can make you feel quite like a hypocrite like a child.

 

He does not stay in the same house. The house up there also has a guest house on the property, and he stays there.

 

The paperwork is not available online. He says it is filed in the jurisdiction the kids live in, not where we currently reside, so it would require a flight. He did say he would bring me a copy from his safe next week. (He is traveling with my children and I to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving.)

 

My boyfriend asked tonight while we are out if I wanted to join in on the call next time he calls his lawyer to see when the next step will be completed, and if I wanted to listen in next time he calls his ex to communicate about the next visit with the kids. I said yes to the lawyer. I said I'm not sure about the call, it seems like an invasion of property. I said I think I may have to contact her directly, or just back off on all of this until the divorce was final. He told me that he would be hurt if I felt the need to contact her, but he would prefer that to losing however long it takes to finalize everything with me.

 

 

We'll see.