Long Lost Loves and As...

[18Years2Late]

18Y2L - LOL! I needed that laugh today!!!!

 

The reason she keeps calling: even though you're technically no longer a threat, deep down inside she knows she doesn't have his heart the way she should. And may never have had it - considering the two of you reconnected.

 

You never know what can happen in the future. Kids eventually grow up. If you still love him then.....and he still feels the same way about you.....make sure you come back and update us!

 

I will definitely keep posting here...but...I don't think I'll ever post about xMM and I in the future...I do love him...and I think he loves me...but not enough...too much has happened now...Too many lies...too many empty promises...too much trust lost...I've got bus tire marks (scars) all over my body...he had soooooo many chances to leave...my hand was on the trigger and I would have been D as well...I'm very financial stable only own...I would have welcomed him and his kids with open arms...and I've already got 3 of my own...but...his kids hate me with a passion...and that will never change...even when they are adults...and I won't be the 2nd choice when all else has failed...and that will never change...I love him...that hasn't changed in 18 yrs...but we're done...there will never be an us again...I'm learning to deal with that...and that's why I keep posting :-))

[findingnemo]

Did my post upset you? I ask because you put an angry face on your response?

 

I understand the longing or feeling in love and after some very hard work, I realized that I was looking outside instead of inside for happiness. It could be LL in your case, however you did mention that you ended up in an abusive marriage. That is usually a sign that one is looking for someone else to make them happy as opposed to looking "within" to find it. Once I figured that out, my whole life changed for the better.

 

Just a thought.

 

Sorry Spice, I had to look at my post again to find the angry face. No i meant to put the confused face but being in a hurry, I must have tapped the wrong one. No anger.

 

Yes, I looked to someone else to make me happy. I thought that if I had my own man, I wouldn't pine for xMM. Seemed quite clever at the time but in my determination to move on, I fast-tracked the dating process and ended up in a nightmare. It never occurred to me that my further H was in anyway abusive. He had been my very first bf after all and I thought I knew him very well. I was wrong and shocked to the core when the first incident occurred.

[findingnemo]

That is exactly my situation. GF and I dated for a little more than 7 years in HS and after. I got another girl pregnant and "did the right thing", marrying her. I knew it was wrong from the beginning. I regretted having to walk away from my GF from the minute I did it.

 

Over the next 30 years, we looked for each other now and then, but it wasn't so easy to do until the internet. I found her about 12 years ago, but she was M. I decided to do nothing about it, not take the risk of disrupting her life.

 

She found me again almost 2 years ago. We spent some time going over the past, getting to know each other again, but it was obvious early on, every bit of chemistry we shared then was still there. We initially resisted an A, thinking we'd both get D and then date. At some point, we realized our D's were going to take some time... so, we chose to get involved now.

 

It must very hard for you both. Have you started the D process already?

[findingnemo]

One of my biggest fears is that I will eventually emotionally "move on" from my xMM and find a committed relationship and have a family, only to have him contact me as a single man (which is admitedly a very slim chance, but these things sometimes happen). Then I would be in a hard situation. Conversely, one of my other biggest fears is that this will NEVER happen. I deeply want to believe that he and I will find our way back to one another someday and get a real chance together. It's hard to accept this may never happen, and truthfully this belief that it WILL is one of the only things keeping me going right now.

 

Oh Lynne. I'm dealing with this issue right now. Here I am in the middle of a D and after almost 3 years of separation I feel lonely and need some romance. I'm afraid to get involved seriously with someone else while still loving xMM. What if...things change? What will I do then? I don't what to get M again and then D again. But most of these LLs get back together after 20, 30 years! Who can possibly sit and wait for someone for that long?

[findingnemo]

FN, to answer your q. I think many to connect that way, but it doesn't make it right or meant to be. It's just too easy to connect nowdays and still points to poor boundaries.

 

Think about how many affairs would be on going if you couldn't call them on their cell, or text, webcam whatever. If the only way to reach them was the mail system or calling the house how many of these affairs would really last?

 

Oh, they've been happening since the beginning of time and no doubt will continue, it's just way easier now and people mistake that ease with true love.

 

Yes, that's the gist of the matter. Where in the past a lost love was really lost, it is easy to fantasize about someone today and find them on Google tomorrow. It is most likely just a fantasy and when the two get together, too many things have changed between them.

 

However, it can also be true love in cases where one of the parties made the wrong decision and abruptly ended the R. Does it make having As right? Absolutely not. But from the Doctor's research, it makes As almost inevitable. The funny thing about most of these stories is that the two LLs actually have an EA for some time before meeting face to face. It seems like they communicate for several months discussing what happened and why it happened. They don't just wake up and start As. Most of them will also have NC for long periods during the EA trying to figure put what they want. None of them on that site are serial WS', at least none that I read.

 

To me, the most pertinent information was that people will get M while loving someone else and keep feeling the same way for years and years. I was glad to see that this kind of thing exists because it makes me less abnormal.

[SoMovinOn]

It must very hard for you both. Have you started the D process already?

 

W & I are split, but still living together out of necessity (bad housing market and other issues). GF she started on hers (like, yesterday).

[SoMovinOn]

To me, the most pertinent information was that people will get M while loving someone else and keep feeling the same way for years and years. I was glad to see that this kind of thing exists because it makes me less abnormal.

 

Not only did she hold a place in my heart through two M's and many R's, but I realized early on, everyone I dated had some of her qualities. I was just looking for her again - in someone else, because I thought I had blown it and would never get another chance with her.

 

I never imagined she would forgive me, or even want to talk to me, after the way I had hurt her.

[spice4life]

Sorry Spice, I had to look at my post again to find the angry face. No i meant to put the confused face but being in a hurry, I must have tapped the wrong one. No anger.

 

Yes, I looked to someone else to make me happy. I thought that if I had my own man, I wouldn't pine for xMM. Seemed quite clever at the time but in my determination to move on, I fast-tracked the dating process and ended up in a nightmare. It never occurred to me that my further H was in anyway abusive. He had been my very first bf after all and I thought I knew him very well. I was wrong and shocked to the core when the first incident occurred.

 

Thanks for clarifying. wow...sorry to hear that. Well, at least you learned right? And now you are correcting the situation. Good luck to you.

 

You might want to consider looking at why you feel happiness comes from the outside though. Once I figured that out for myself, it changed my whole perspective on life and on what is truly important. Again, best of luck to you. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. You are headed down the right path by asking these questions...that means the answers are soon to follow.

[findingnemo]

Thanks for clarifying. wow...sorry to hear that. Well, at least you learned right? And now you are correcting the situation. Good luck to you.

 

You might want to consider looking at why you feel happiness comes from the outside though. Once I figured that out for myself, it changed my whole perspective on life and on what is truly important. Again, best of luck to you. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. You are headed down the right path by asking these questions...that means the answers are soon to follow.

 

Thanks, Spice. I actually get my happiness from my kids now:). Just spent the whole day with them and had lots of fun. The whole happiness from within is much easier now than it was when I left xMM. It was avoidance of the pain that led me to find a replacement R. This is no longer the case. I'd rather be lonely, than unhappy with some unsuitable partner.