No Contact, Learning, where are you at now?

[FightClub]

I've noticed a lot of mention lately on No Contact and those trying to establish No Contact with help from those who have gone through it themselves and are at a different perspective in their life.

 

So, where are you now after NC? Where were you before it was in place and how has breaking ( either side ), multiples attempts, sustained and otherwise, what has it taught you about yourself and your life after enough was enough in regards to communication?

 

In many ways I'm grateful I was given this advice, I don't know how much more pain I could have taken in the aftermath but I do know that things are looking better every day since I let it go, there is moments that bring me back every so often but then I think about all the good that has happened since then.

 

-FC

[Barrsitter]

FC - before the big split up on Oct 13/11, I had tried NC many times and I or xMM broke it. It just made things worse.

 

Then, on Oct 13/11 he said to me "why can't you let me and (my wife) sort this out ourselves?" "Why don't you give me some tough love and not see me until I am single?" Well, that stopped me in my tracks. Initially I was apologetic and then I wrote and said I took back my apology - that I wasn't interfering in their decision about their M, that I sure could have, that I said nothing about it and so on. I got pissed at him in a text message and told him I wouldn't be contacting him again and if he ever contacted me he would need to be single and THEN I would decide whether it made any sense for me to be with him. And I've never contacted him since. And won't.

 

The day I stood up and took my power back was the day the rest of my life started again.

 

Nothing like anger and pride to keep you from doing something stupid like re-starting contact with your xMM. Permanent NC was the BEST thing I did! I got my power back AND more importantly, my self-respect, which I have learned is far more important to me than being with xMM. I will NEVER AGAIN chase a MM. EVER.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Barrsitter

[MissBee]

I've noticed a lot of mention lately on No Contact and those trying to establish No Contact with help from those who have gone through it themselves and are at a different perspective in their life.

 

So, where are you now after NC? Where were you before it was in place and how has breaking ( either side ), multiples attempts, sustained and otherwise, what has it taught you about yourself and your life after enough was enough in regards to communication?

 

In many ways I'm grateful I was given this advice, I don't know how much more pain I could have taken in the aftermath but I do know that things are looking better every day since I let it go, there is moments that bring me back every so often but then I think about all the good that has happened since then.

 

-FC

 

 

Well I haven't spoken to my ex (not an A) in over a year. He last contacted me via email over the summer, I did not respond. By then I was well over him any way so there was not even any temptation to respond, as he was his same old, unapologetic, arrogant self....now I could see it plain as day and move forward without being blinded and sucked back in by my own desire to be with him, that caused me to see what wasn't there and ignore what was.

 

Before this whole year of NC...we'd go back and forth. We'd have months of NC then reconnect and each time nothing was different and I had the final straw last year and from that point on...I decided enough was enough and the more I focused on me, the less I cared about him and the more I detached and the more my head aligned with my feelings. I found that my back and forth with him was a distraction from dealing with myself. I kept wanting "closure" and all this that he could never provide. I stopped needing closure as I truly got it within after completely going NC.

[Thunderbolt]

Thanks for starting this thread FC, it will be nice to hear other's trials and tribulations. I'm hoping to hear about others who have been successful at maintaining NC. It will serve as inspiration to all of us.

 

I've been NC for 6 months now. I'm doing well. Not perfect, but much better. I'm stronger and more self aware than I've been in a very long time. MM and I attempted NC so many times over the last several years, I've lost track. Something just finally clicked. Something within me finally felt like I had to move on. I put him on such a pedestal for so long, I was blinded and could not see reality. I can't quite explain it, but something deep inside me told me that this had to be over. We've never gone this long with NC.

 

I still struggle every day to maintain the status quo. There are moments where I miss him so badly I can hardly stand it. But, I no longer cry nearly as much as I used to. I'm guessing that my heart will always have a deep down ache. But, I know that I'm going to be okay. There are days when I'm so thankful our relationship never came to fruition. It would have been so complicated and so many people would have been hurt. Now that I have a clear mind, I wonder how we ever could have made it work.

 

I have a much better outlook on life. I don't regret meeting him. We shared some really incredible times together. I might sound foolish, but I don't doubt the love he gave me. We were in love and perhaps on some level, we'll always be in love. But, the circumstances were way too intense, confusing and hurtful to everyone.

 

I still love him. I've never had to walk in his shoes. I'm grateful that I no longer hate him. When I was with him, I discovered feelings that I never even knew existed. I hope to one day find this again, with someone who is available. We all make mistakes in life. Don't dwell on them, try to move on. Don't let one person dictate the rest of your life.

 

Good luck to all, especially those who are doing such a good job at NC.

[TurningTables]

I have to thank you FC for starting this thread.

 

I cant tell you how long Ive been in NC now. I stopped counting when I found out he moved back in with his W. Its been 6 months since Ive seen him though. Thank goodness I havent run into him on campus. I dont think about him as much as I used to. When I first started NC, he was all I thoughth of. I used to watch the clock at lunch, missing our lunch time hello's and texts. He used to call or text me his whole lunch hour. I would think about everything we said and everything we did.

 

Now a days, I take a different route to take my kids to their activites. I used to have to drive by his street to get there. I hardly ever cry except when I have really, really bad days and I miss having him to talk to. Ive blocked him and his W from every avenue to contact me. Fb,Skype,email ...etc. I dont want to see her or him going on with their lives like nothing ever happen.Its sad for me to think that I didnt matter to him the way he mattered to me. It sucks and it hurts.Certain triggers do bother me, but its not as bad as it was a couple of months ago. I feel that the more I move forward, the better (slowly) I feel.

 

But I know there is something out there for me. I try to tell myself that all the time. Ive been asked for my number at school a couple of times and have declined because I think I need some time to discover myself and who I really want to be. Everyone here at LS have been the best to me and I want to thank you all for that.

[spice4life]

Where am I at? Hmm...I'm an LG! Life is Good.

[East7]

I have to thank you FC for starting this thread.

 

There is a rating option in this Board. you can rate from 1 to 5 stars every thread, just FYI.

 

FC, well for me, it has been a looong road. Almost 1 year LC, now strict permanent NC. I'm doing fine, really. I do think of her but not in the way I used to do before. She is not more than a memory, I don't wonder what she is doing or how her M is going.

 

Ironically since I started strict NC, karma recompensed me because I have met plenty of women and dated 4 in a relatively short time..!

 

I haven't found the high and the passion I had for MW, but I'm learning to appreciate honest relationships with single women.

[hockeyfan09]

We lasted 4 days... and then started talking again yesterday. It was the same-thing all over again, her trying to make me feel sorry for her, dangling the carrot (maybe in three months..etc) but I forced myself to email her that I couldn't keep talking to her, and she needed to work on things with her boyfriend. Said maybe someday we could be friends again, but I need distance. Have not heard anything from her except for a quick hello in the lunch room today, so I think she is going to respect my request. This NC thing is difficult.. but I think worth it.

[SunsetRed]

I'm at 2 months NC and I'm doing great at it. I actually did NC with him once before, but this time my mindset and life attitude are healthier.

 

The first time I did NC, I did it to make him wonder about me and come back. Everyday that I struggled with NC I told myself that I was doing it to make him come back and to just hang in there. Well, he did come back but it was horrible and I ended up being more degraded and kicked in the stomach than I ever thought I'd be. He's still with the wife and I am still alone. Having him come back and dispose of me all over again did mental damage to me. I could actually feel my brain chemicals shift in a negative direction and I had to seek professional help.

 

Now I am in my second month of my second round of NC. My attitude is completely different now. I'm not doing it to bring him back, I'm doing it to save myself and have some self respect and esteem. Contacting him now would be a whiny pathetic attempt on my part to say "why did you hurt me again? I thought I was special, why dont you love me...?

 

That is some F-ing BS that I wont be doing. I am focusing on me like never before. Lol, I've already lost 25lbs (thanks to the break up) so I dont need to focus on changing my body anymore. I'm working on changing the way I think about and carry myself.

 

When I feel weak and want to contact him I listen to empowering music. My current favorites are Beyonces Best I Never Had and BC Jeans I Will survive you. lol, sometimes I listen to Jimmy Buffett's If the Phone Doesnt Ring, its me.

 

NC has been so hard but great at the same time. This time it had to be done. If things had kept up the way they were, I'd be homeless, jobless and needing to live in a mental health care facility. I have no choice but to do NC and pull myself up by my boot straps and survive.

 

NC is all about survival because having continued contact with an MM is a constant reminder that you are not a valuable person and no one can truly live when they are constantly being devalued.

 

Getting ready to listen to BC Jeans "I Will Survive You" right now. I will surviv this MM just like I've survived my divorce and the other exes before him. I am so thankful to not be with any of my other exes and soon I'll see the thankfulness in not being with MM as well.

[nonamefornow]

I will surviv this MM just like I've survived my divorce and the other exes before him. I am so thankful to not be with any of my other exes and soon I'll see the thankfulness in not being with MM as well.

 

Well said SR!! At this point it doesn't seem like it but I know sometime in the future I WILL look back on this and think f'ing hell, what a lucky escape!

 

I had asked for NC over past 4 or so months a number of times and he always broke it/ignored it and I usually responded. The most he ever lasted was 6 days (twice) but then if I didn't respond to a text or phone call he would just keep at it, which I found hard to ignore. Even a 'leave me alone' response would evoke a barrage of calls/texts from him asking me 'what's wrong'?!?

 

Anyway, the situation was taken out of my hands 2wks ago when I was particularly upset and my cousin was here. She called his wife so I guess now we have forced NC. His wife was fine about things so long as we had no more contact apparently and my cousin enforced it from my side too. We still have to see one another in work, he will say hello, how are you with a one word response from me and that is it.

 

I won't deny a part of me still misses him (and oddly, the contact), another part of me can't believe I fell for all the lies. I can't wait for the day when I think 'thank God' I am shot of him.

[Emme]

Where I am right now is in a state of forgiveness. The anger pops up once in a while but I am now in a calm state of acceptance.

 

I always understood that this is for the best but didn’t truly accept it. With each day that goes by the more I realize being free is for the better.

 

I’ve learned that I need to be more vocal about my emotions and not hold them in. Be honest and tell someone when I love them. Don’t allow fear to paralyze me. It’s ok once in a while to take risks.

 

Even writing this I went back and read my first post. The massive pain in my heart is not as strong. At times a memory might drag me back into sadness but I try to fight it. I haven’t cried in a while which is a good sign. I’m close to it being a year and I still feel hurt I can’t lie but the mind continues to remind me it’s for the best.

[FightClub]

Great perspective guys, it's amazing to see all the growth you have all gone through in that process of letting go. It feels harder in the beginning and then it sort of just rolls past itself once you're further along in the silence.

 

I recall feeling the same way when I came to LS a year ago, I thought my story & situation with exMW was unique, uncommon...and then you slowly peel the layers and see it's more or less the same, MW/MM.

 

I have to say seeing everyone's response to the NC and then being in contact a while after NC was broken, it's sad to see that nothing came out of other than heartache and yet you've all been able to see how much stronger you are without them to latch back onto you. Sometimes it's just better to focus on yourself entirely until life surprises you with something more amazing and altruistic instead of the former AP.

 

Stay strong guys, you're doing great!

 

-FC

Edited November 18, 2011 by FightClub

[Thunderbolt]

NC can be so difficult at times. Even 6 months into it. Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated with some of the new posters who continually break NC. Especially after I've taken time to write to them. But then, I have to remind myself that I was at that point not too long ago. In a way, it's taken all this time for me to actually appreciate and understand what others had told me long ago. I wish there was a way to make others understand how much better it is to be in NC. I wish that I didn't still have urges to contact xMM. I will not do it, but sometimes it still takes everything I have to keep this rolling.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Well I haven't spoken to my ex (not an A) in over a year. He last contacted me via email over the summer, I did not respond. By then I was well over him any way so there was not even any temptation to respond, as he was his same old, unapologetic, arrogant self....now I could see it plain as day and move forward without being blinded and sucked back in by my own desire to be with him, that caused me to see what wasn't there and ignore what was.

 

Before this whole year of NC...we'd go back and forth. We'd have months of NC then reconnect and each time nothing was different and I had the final straw last year and from that point on...I decided enough was enough and the more I focused on me, the less I cared about him and the more I detached and the more my head aligned with my feelings. I found that my back and forth with him was a distraction from dealing with myself. I kept wanting "closure" and all this that he could never provide. I stopped needing closure as I truly got it within after completely going NC.

 

I hav had a similar NC experience. I've been trying to maintain NC from the start (I was an OW but apart frm the 1st weekend, which commenced w coerced physical intimacy under extreme duress, I didnt know it). In my case the person was a predator who deliberately preyed upon someone he hoped might still have feelings for him from our past (non A) r.ship (he was right - I did), & who knew I was seriously ill & grieving the recent death of a previous partner. I believe that willfull denying of closure is a deliberate tactic employed to keep the party wanting out permanently coming back in effort to try to get it. They don't want closure though (which is why they refuse to give it) because they hope that leaving the door open w unfinished business from their end will eventually provide them an opportunity for re-engagement (which they selfishly want at a time of their choosing). I'm only a few weeks into NC now but I really needed to hear that we can find closure within ourselves, despite their hostile witholding of this, so thankyou. My NC has to succeed this time not only on account of the toxicity of the dynamic with this man but also because I learned he was in fact with someone else similtaneously all along. Over & above it all this guy was emotionally abusive & come hell or high water I will no longer permit such a person to be in my life in any way shape or form!

Edited November 30, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[Hazyhead]

This is a great thread I had NC for about 8 months, then he broke it and I responded; not with intimacy but to tell him I'll not be interested until he's divorced. He says that he's 'moving towards it' and has been living on his own for some time, but I don't know whether he'll ever pull away. Anyway, point is I won't join him on that journey; I just can't. NC is now in place and I'm going to carry on as I was doing - putting my life back on track. If he divorces, I'll see where I'm at, but he'll certainly get nothing from me until that point.

 

It's true, NC gets easier everyday, and after each time of going through it. I have no doubt that I won't be contacting him as when I was an absolute mess during past NCs I didn't. I still feel the pain sometimes, but I feel a lot more happiness generally, too. I don't need him in my life and actually things are a lot simpler just being me.

[imperfectangel]

I've come so far this year - I think my ex mm must think he's texting someone else half the time lol

 

I agree it can be frustrating seeing people break nc - but sometimes that's just another remind for the rest of us for how far we've come and another f you to our ex's

[Confused4Now]

I've come so far this year - I think my ex mm must think he's texting someone else half the time lol

 

I agree it can be frustrating seeing people break nc - but sometimes that's just another remind for the rest of us for how far we've come and another f you to our ex's

I'm with you on this....I'm now at 8 months NC and My xMW record...I'm sure she's moved onto another replacement of me. She is someone else's problem now. I was with her 5 years....and the first guy was 7 years... she's been married 21 years. So as you can see she's done this for a long time.

[FightClub]

What's amazing for me is the fact that it has literally been alittle over a year since the affair ended and the NC was immediately afterwards.

 

I suppose because of the time of the year, I am somewhat nostalgic and having a lot of memories of exMW lately but at the same time I've been feeling that scary sort of deja vu where I remember so much and in doing so have also let go of so much more of her in my mind while searching through my feelings.

 

I think it's true indifference I'm feeling now, I told myself earlier today, ' Wow, I've actually let her go', I dunno that weird sort of aftershock but not really a shock just a tremor of what I've left behind in my past now.

 

Look in front, not behind the person you are today guys & girls, there is always a new day ahead.

 

I'm very happy to hear people are enjoying this thread, it's something that I really wanted to see & hear from other people who are making progress towards happiness & understanding.

 

Let it out, share your thoughts...it's better to let it out and work through things then to let them boil inside til' you pop.

 

 

 

-FC

[East7]

My xMW contacted me out of the blue last weekend. Basically she was curious to know what was going on in my life. She asked me if I was over her and I responded an adamant "Oh yes!"..she said "well, I'm not over you, it is hard". We had a kind of dry and short discussion.

 

My evidence that I'm over her is that the next day I almost forgot I communicated with her again since a long time. Another thing is that I don't feel anymore that permanent nostalgia I had for the moments I spent with her. I knew I gave to those moments a tremendous romantic significations, everything was in my head.

 

On the other side, I still have a hard time finding with someone else the high of the emotions I had with her. I have been dating other women, but it is not the same. Despite that, I must say after an affair that eats up your soul, I prefer a quiet and honest relationship, it is more healthy and preserves the sanity.

[RickFox]

We are at 5 months since the affair ended and now since NC was broken a few weeks ago by me baiting her on FB, we are going on for a few weeks now. I think my xMW made the decision for no contact with me as soon as we got discovered. The thrill was no more so she had no more need for me, it was easy for her to not contact me and when I reached out to her, she would bite my head off after a few moments.

 

I see her almost every day in passing, on the road, she will not look at me, refuses to acknowledge me and yeah it still bothers me. I just think somehow someway there was a more adult way to do what she's done, but when you don't want anyone to know you're dirty little secret, your shame, you shut it out. I don't know anything, Im still confused but I plug on, I have a hard time coming to terms with someone who said they loved you so much to just cutting you off completely and never showing any emotion. Women hiding emotion better than men be damned, if you truly care about someone, it will seep thru so I know in my heart, she didn't care, she only cared at the time when her feelings mattered.

 

Some folks say she will attempt contact with me once her marriage tanks again, I don't know and I try not to worry about that line of thinking. I just wish I could reach that point of indifference so many get to.... Even if it's just to curse her out, it takes alot not to send a text to her.

[Confused4Now]

My xMW contacted me out of the blue last weekend. Basically she was curious to know what was going on in my life. She asked me if I was over her and I responded an adamant "Oh yes!"..she said "well, I'm not over you, it is hard". We had a kind of dry and short discussion.

 

My evidence that I'm over her is that the next day I almost forgot I communicated with her again since a long time. Another thing is that I don't feel anymore that permanent nostalgia I had for the moments I spent with her. I knew I gave to those moments a tremendous romantic significations, everything was in my head.

 

On the other side, I still have a hard time finding with someone else the high of the emotions I had with her. I have been dating other women, but it is not the same. Despite that, I must say after an affair that eats up your soul, I prefer a quiet and honest relationship, it is more healthy and preserves the sanity.

I don't get why people would respond...NC is just that NC. I do get East you are at a place where it doesn't bother you. However if my xMW would ever contact me I would not even respond. What could she possibly say? I don't think in my whole 53 years of my life has anyone ever hurt me as bad as her.

Do you honestly believe she's having a really hard time of it? If she was truly having a hard time she would have gotten her divorce. She can't even respect you by leaving you alone. She knows she can't offer you anything yet she still bothers you.

[SunsetRed]

Thank you imperfectangel, fightclub and confused...you are giving me strength.

 

I'm dying to send that "how could you be such a fake, lying d-head", email but instead I will nurture myself.

 

I do hope it's eating him up that I am not contacting him. I hope one day I get that out of the blue "how are you" phone call so I can get my power back.

 

I have never felt so low in my life as I did after he disposed of me. I'm over the feeling low part and now I waver btwn anger and indifference. The indifference is kind of shocking as I never imagined that I'd feel nothing towards him.

 

I'm ready for 2012 and all the good new things that it may bring.

[FightClub]

SunsetRed,

 

Those feelings will come and go my dear, hold on tight to the person you are today and away from the past that is behind you. Everything that happened is gone now and what you have left is today with the choices for tomorrow...

 

In other words, go out there and live your life to the fullest, don't let anyone stop you from being yourself.

 

-FC

[imperfectangel]

I still have my moments where ill send him a long drawn out email or text about how much I miss him but that we can have that so I need nc - it is usually me that breaks it but my times in between these "reach outs" is getting longer and longer and I no longer feel that buzz when his name pops up on my phone

 

Its a slow process - mainly b/c he been in my life since I was 14, I'm now 27 it aint gonna be easy. I just accept these weak moments for what they are and when he replies I don't answer him b/c really I have nothing to say to him

 

I just need to remember that at the end of the day as much as I am in love with him (aint gonna lie) he cannnot give me what I want and need him to

 

I'm very ill at the moment and he can't look after me - something that a partner should be able to. He's never given me flowers/hardly texted when we were on/never calls (and I mean never)/can only see me after dark if he can fit me into his jam packed schedule at all etc etc

 

These are all the things I need to remember when I get weak but I'm having these moments less and less and this forum is a godsend for me there's nowhere for the om/ow to go - everyone has sympathy for the bs while I'm betrayed as a slag who lured the poor boy away

 

Nc is the only way to go. I do not need friends that treat people the way he does

[RickFox]

I don't get why people would respond...NC is just that NC. I do get East you are at a place where it doesn't bother you. However if my xMW would ever contact me I would not even respond. What could she possibly say? I don't think in my whole 53 years of my life has anyone ever hurt me as bad as her.

Do you honestly believe she's having a really hard time of it? If she was truly having a hard time she would have gotten her divorce. She can't even respect you by leaving you alone. She knows she can't offer you anything yet she still bothers you.

 

While I am younger than you, this statement just jumped out at me. I cannot remember ever feeling the way I do about anyone and the hurt that has accompanied this affair. For me I try to take into account that the hurt Im feeling, is just about the amount my wife is feeling for what I've done to her.