No Contact, Learning, where are you at now?

[Confused4Now]

While I am younger than you, this statement just jumped out at me. I cannot remember ever feeling the way I do about anyone and the hurt that has accompanied this affair. For me I try to take into account that the hurt Im feeling, is just about the amount my wife is feeling for what I've done to her.

 

Amen to that!!! and even though we are divorced now. She is still loyal to our friendship and co-parenting my daughter. This is one thing my xMW was never to me.... no loyalty.

[lynne76]

I am one month and one day into NC. So far, it is still very hard. I am still trying to shake myself out of my idea that my xMM and I had a future together and I am still trying to shake myself out of my idea that maybe we WILL still have a future together, even if it is 10 years from now.

 

My biggest problem seems to be that he is still too accessible to me. He's VERY easy to "cyberstalk" and so even though we are NC, there are days -- many days -- where I still feel connected to him because I know what he is up to, what he is doing, and because he's in the media, I often even know what he is thinking. I am trying to ween myself off of checking the internet for him but even when I do that, it all still seems to find its way to me. The hardest is seeing photos of him and his wife together, looking happy. I am trying to focus on myself, but so many people who know me know that I know him (they don't know about the A) and they are always asking me about him, singing his praises, wanting to take me to lunch as a way to "get to him"....it's hard.

 

Mostly I am just trying to imagine a future without him and trying to hope that one day I will be over him and not have to carry this burden of unrequited, or at least, unrealised, love for the rest of my life. I hope that I will be able to love someone else, but truthfully, I really don't know. It's hard to shake the feeling that at 35, I'm destined to be alone...in part because of my age and in part because I just don't know if I can ever really put him, put this, behind me and move on.

 

But I am trying. Every day is another day of NC and I am committed to sticking with it. But it's hard. I've lost so many people that I love dearly in my life and adding him to that list feels so bewildering. For the time that I knew him he was my best friend, my greatest lover, and my true true love.

[Thunderbolt]

I think everyone is progressing in their own way. I've come so far, yet I have so much more to overcome. This time of year can definitely be a test for all of us. Admittedly, it's taking quite a bit of extra effort in order to stay away from xMM. I'm still at a point where I'm hoping he doesn't contact me this holiday season because I'm not sure if I'd be able to resist him. I'm finally dating someone who I'm starting to have feelings for. This is a first post xMM. In a way, the ghost of xMM is making me mad. I've found myself coming home after a really nice date with single guy (tonight, for example). Everything has been perfect so far -- attraction, conversation, values...everything. Despite this connection, I still come home and think about xMM. Quite pathetic, in my opinion. Why is this jack A still holding a place in my heart? Trying to push through the pain. I have something really good in my life right now and I'm just trying to get past the pain of my past. I'm in the best space that I've been since xMM, but it takes constant control of my emotions. A part of me is over him -- I know that we could never make it together -- but it seems impossible to overcome the connection we had. I'm getting closer each day. This thread is really helping me get through a tough time, I hope we can keep it going.

 

To those of you who are in NC, keep it up. I don't know any of you personally, but I"m really proud of you because I know how hard the struggle can be. Nice work...

[RickFox]

I wish I was progressing, maybe I am but it sure doesn't feel like it. The question I just read in the above post "Why is this Jack A still holding a place in my heart?" That's a question that keeps ripping at me as well only for my xMW.

 

I have been having pretty good days, more than bad ones, but the bad ones when they happen are pretty intense. I don't understand it, or me, for that matter. I have a wife who, despite my betrayal, stands by my side, tries every day to make our marraige work, still loves me, is so very loyal, and here I am, like right now, wishing the xMW would at least acknowledge me. I remember her telling me how she wanted to be with me, how she finally knew how she should be treated in a relationship, and when d day came, she ran back home, showed me no loyalty as my wife has done, and cut me out completely...........and yet here I am, thinking of her............MFer why?? She isn't even thinking about me, why do I even bother? When does indifference set in? I don't try to call her or text her or even get her attention when we pass by on the road or whatever....... so tired of feeling like this ......tired....

[FightClub]

RickFox,

 

It may not be the most comforting thought but it really helps ground my reality whenever exMW comes to mind.

 

She didn't choose you, when push comes to shove, the choice was ultimately not you and it's a very sad way to look at it but whatever the circumstances, it's true.

 

The process of letting go is difficult and takes steps, not leaps before we can really see that clearly. The more I pushed my thoughts of her out of my mind the stronger I felt about them, I just try to remember them for what they were now and look forward to what's ahead, the short/long-term goals ahead of me.

 

Knowing that in the end you were not chosen doesn't make a less of a individual, it just means you took a gamble, it wasn't right and it wasn't wrong it's just a choice and poor choices lead to even poorer outcomes without vision.

 

You have that vision now, you can change your life, doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's behind you man and she is gone. Let her stay gone, in time you'll understand, it all takes time...

 

Change is constant, time is infinite.

 

-FC

Edited December 6, 2011 by FightClub

[that_gal]

I am really having mixed feelings about 'no contact'. Having no contact with him has changed my life. After he admitted to me that I was not the only affair, and came 'clean' and 'honest' with me (as well as his wife) the first thing that came to mind was; 'karma', 'if he did it with you, he'll do it to you', etc,... It was easier to let go. I NEVER in a million years thought that he would of done that and lied to me. I thought he was the sweetest, most sincere man alive. I realized really quick that day, that I never really knew him at all. Sure he told me our relationship was "different" and that he never seen a future with 'her'. And he loved me. Blah, blah, blah.....

 

Bottom line is, he went back to his wife. The day he told me he was deleting his account because he wanted to "try', he also asked that I didn't contact him by work email since he would be sharing all info with her to ensure his faithfulness. I honored his wish, and felt FREE! When he told his wife about the affair, I felt like I was backed in a corner a little bit. I felt responsible, and an obligation to him. Maybe in MY mind, I thought he wanted more from me. Even though he assured me, he did not. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my back. While I was sad and angry and hurt, I also knew that it was over. It had gone where it was going to go, and it should be ended.

 

I think of him daily, that will never go away. I love him. That will never change. But each day ya get a little stronger and doing this is truly a test of your impulse control, a battle of will power.

 

[East7]

She didn't choose you, when push comes to shove, the choice was ultimately not you and it's a very sad way to look at it but whatever the circumstances, it's true.

 

Knowing that in the end you were not chosen doesn't make a less of a individual, it just means you took a gamble, it wasn't right and it wasn't wrong it's just a choice and poor choices lead to even poorer outcomes without vision.

 

Very wisely said FC.

 

That's how I processed my deception. I kept in mind that, despite her undying professed love for me, in the end she didn't chose me, she stayed where she was. They were just words, beautiful ones but still nothing more than words.

 

Also, I took responsibility for my own pain and deception. What could I reasonably expect from a married woman? I was too naive to think and hope that she would leave her husband, the father of her child to live happily ever after with me. I let myself fall in love with someone who was off limits, who had a life with someone else. I was living an illusion of a relationship but it wasn't one.

 

At the time of the A, I didn't have all the lucidity to see the things so clearly but with the time I could see my xMW for who she really was and who I was for her, just a lover, not the guy she wanted to build a real relationship.

 

Whatever kind of love she had for me, it wasn't the kind of love I wanted.

Edited December 6, 2011 by East7