bagira Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 My mom and me were always very close. She had been straggling with divorce, my brother is only 7 years old, and she seems that she can't find a boyfriend. I always has been helping her financially. I worked two jobs and got graduated from the university. I was able to afford nice car and moved out of my mom place to very nice apartment. Wherever she ever needed I was always there to help. Recently, she asked me to move in to my place with my brother because her lease was up and she wanted to purchase a house. At that time, I Started dating my boyfriend. He was out of town and I was flying back and worth to see him. She did not have a chance to meet him than. Than my boyfriend, asked me to move to live with him. I love him very much but I could not just quit my job and I have explained it to him. After some time passed by, he proposed me and said he wants me to be with me. I called my mom and was very excited to tell her the news! She was very happy at first. We went celebrate the next day and invited her come with us. She had a great time and she said she is a great guy. When some time passed by she started to make comments regarding him. I am traveling back and worth between 2 states, but most of the time I always stayed close to my family. He has another place, I stayed there, so I won't bother my mom. I even gave her my car, because it's better on gas and she can save money. My fiancé pais for all bills at the apartment, since I have left my work and considering coming back to school. But every time I come to my old apartment now, she tells me to bad he is, and she does not want me to married some black guy. She says all the nasty staff. I don't know what to do. I gave my mom everything and always made sure she had food, nice clothes, I took her to the nice restaurants and trips, but it seems it's never enough for and anything never good enough for her. What to do? She seems like she stressing me always and I am better off when I don't talk her or see her. Please, help! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Your mother sounds like a very unhappy, angry person. At some point, she has to take responsibility for her own problems instead of lashing out at you. You are not responsible for her happiness. You can't change who she is, but you can change your reactions to it. Don't allow her to make you unhappy. Don't react to her harshness. Don't try to be "good enough" because there is no "good enough" for her - she is unhappy inside and nothing you do will change that. She must change that for herself. Don't let her spoil your happiness. Best wishes to you and your fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bagira Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 Thank you. But it's hard for me to be around her nowadays. I am thinking more and more just cut her off my life because she makes me stressed and depressed. I am 26 years old, but it's hard decision. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Where are you from and when did you move to the United States? I think your mom may be afraid to lose you. She would prefer if tyou found a guy fromthe same state. Why is your brother so young? Do you have other siblings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bagira Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 My mom and I moved to United states 9 years ago from Europe. She got married and my brother was born he is the only sibling that I have. now, she is divorced; however, her ex is a great dad and takes great care of my brother. Me and my fiancé now, decided to move back to the state where I am from. So, I am very close to my family. I stay 5 minutes away from my old apartment where they currently live. We are planning on moving everything here by the end of the December. I just feel she should respect my choice, my feeling, and me as a person. But she is very judgmental and always judges people on their appearances what they drive or where they are from. I tried to explain, and tell her she hurts my feelings so much that I don't want to be around her. I don't know if maybe I should seek some professional help for her? Like physiologist? Will it help her to understand me? Will it help our relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 But she is very judgmental and always judges people on their appearances what they drive or where they are from. I tried to explain, and tell her she hurts my feelings so much that I don't want to be around her. I don't know if maybe I should seek some professional help for her? Like physiologist? Will it help her to understand me? Will it help our relationship?Well, think of it as a team problem: you and your mom have a loving relationship that's currently troubled. Men come and go, but Mother is one. Don't ever forget that. What you perceive as judgmental is really a concern. She wants nothing but the best for you. Are you moving back to your former country in Europe? Is it a developed, western country? Link to post Share on other sites
Halio Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Well, think of it as a team problem: you and your mom have a loving relationship that's currently troubled. Men come and go, but Mother is one. Don't ever forget that. What you perceive as judgmental is really a concern. She wants nothing but the best for you. Are you moving back to your former country in Europe? Is it a developed, western country? A Concern??? A concern cause her fiance is black..... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I just feel she should respect my choice, my feeling, and me as a person. But she is very judgmental and always judges people on their appearances what they drive or where they are from. I tried to explain, and tell her she hurts my feelings so much that I don't want to be around her. I don't know if maybe I should seek some professional help for her? Like physiologist? Will it help her to understand me? Will it help our relationship? Do you mean a psychiatrist or psychologist? Yes, absolutely that could help. Your mom's issues are hers. Meaning, if she can feel better about herself and her life, she won't need to pick at you and your choices. You did not create her issues, and you can't fix them. She can work on those issues in therapy and eventually change her life for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 A Concern??? A concern cause her fiance is black.....Well, that's Bagira's understanding of her mother's explicit or implicit statements. Sometimes people don't like a particular person because of one reason but state another reason for their dislike. OP said her mother was happy when she first heard they'd get married, and in fact, she liked him. Something changed and the mother doesn't like him anymore. That oesn't sound like racism to me. OP is not telling us why her mom doesn't like this guy or about his negative sides. Link to post Share on other sites
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