Got wife pregnant and don't love her anymore :/

[Cooper55904]

Ugh. So brief history, dated since first year of college in 1999, married in 2002, daughter born 2008, and in 2011 she is a physician finishing training. We have grown apart and I don't see it fixable.

 

The spark between us is gone, she works too much and doesn't spend time with her family (chooses sleep more often than family). She doesn't have that motherly instinct other moms have (i.e. she gets home from work and in 15 minutes sends daughter upstairs to bed because she needs quiet time)Long story, but for years it's always sleeping when she could be spending time with me or daughter.

 

I love my daughter immensely, I'm a SAHD, and like any dad would do anything for her. Each week we do preschool MWF, play groups Tu/Th, story time Fri, and always spend time together - I feel I over compensate since my wife is not being a mother to her. I don't think an only child situation is ideal, I came from family of three. I felt my daughter deserved a sibling, and she's getting one in 2012.

 

My best friend says there is no way you can get someone pregnant if you don't love them, I disagree. I'm certain the only reason my wife is pregnant is cause I love my daughter enough to give her a gift of a sibling.

 

Can I possibly be the only person who is in this situation???? I am so nervous that 2012 is bringing a divorce in our house (she has job out of state and I don't want to move). But I'm afraid of custody issues, even more so since there is an infant in the mix. (Not seeking legal advice, just stating some more background).

[Els]

Okaaay, let me get this straight. You say she doesn't have the 'motherly instinct' to spend much time with your daughter, but she is the sole breadwinner for your household. And you list the things you do with your daughter, as if in comparison with hers - well, you're a SAHD! Of COURSE you should be spending the majority of time with your daughter. And of COURSE other moms can spend more time with their children - they're not usually the sole breadwinner. Sleeping is a part of work, for most people. If they don't sleep enough they can't function well at work.

 

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell SAHMs with your complaint: If you don't like the fact that your sole breadwinner's job is taking them away from you and your child so much, help them out. Get a part time job that you can attend when your child is in preschool, or learn a skill that allows you to work from home. Why don't you want to move with her? Usually the person without a job moves to follow the person with one, traditionally this is the woman, but in your case it'll have to be you. If you don't want to have to give way in such things and be the primary carer for the child, don't be a SAHD. It comes with the territory.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Elswyth

[Heart On]

My best friend says there is no way you can get someone pregnant if you don't love them, I disagree. I'm certain the only reason my wife is pregnant is cause I love my daughter enough to give her a gift of a sibling.

 

And then a gift of divorce? How thougtful of you.

 

Well,one things for sure....you shouldn't be having sex with a wife you don't love,let alone a baby, if the "sparks gone".What the hell are you thinking!

 

And should one assume that you will go after alimony and CS, hoping to gain custody of both kids as you don't work?

 

Providers get the SHORT end of the stick everytime!

 

Man or woman!~

 

I feel I over compensate since my wife is not being a mother to her.

 

Umm...she's WORKING to support you BOTH! She took on the "father role" by providing and you took on the "mother role" by staying at home and "compensating" for the other parent so they can WORK! And now you want to claim "hero status" for being a kept man?

 

BWAHHAHAHA!~ Get over yourself buddy!

 

I don't think an only child situation is ideal, I came from family of three. I felt my daughter deserved a sibling, and she's getting one in 2012.

 

But you think a second child growing up in a broken home is ideal? HUH?

 

Seems to me,you use your wife for money and making babies for you and at the same time,live off of her money and whine about how she sleeps too much?

 

She needs to know your hidden agenda's and FAST so she can make some informed choices for HER life!

 

She would NEVER chosen to risk getting pregnant with your child if she and been privy to reading this thread!!!!!

 

She's going to be pissed and if you think she will reliquish custody so she can pay for you to be primary care giver.....you have another thing coming.

 

Do NOT mess with a woman with money and power over your life!

[stillafool]

Okaaay, let me get this straight. You say she doesn't have the 'motherly instinct' to spend much time with your daughter, but she is the sole breadwinner for your household. And you list the things you do with your daughter, as if in comparison with hers - well, you're a SAHD! Of COURSE you should be spending the majority of time with your daughter. And of COURSE other moms can spend more time with their children - they're not usually the sole breadwinner. Sleeping is a part of work, for most people. If they don't sleep enough they can't function well at work.

 

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell SAHMs with your complaint: If you don't like the fact that your sole breadwinner's job is taking them away from you and your child so much, help them out. Get a part time job that you can attend when your child is in preschool, or learn a skill that allows you to work from home. Why don't you want to move with her? Usually the person without a job moves to follow the person with one, traditionally this is the woman, but in your case it'll have to be you. If you don't want to have to give way in such things and be the primary carer for the child, don't be a SAHD. It comes with the territory.

 

I agree completely! You two must have known that her becoming a doctor would be hard work and long hours for your wife. Most SAHMs with husbands who are becoming doctors know this and it's expected that he will come home tired during those years and they may have to relocate because of his career. It's a sacrifice.

[Heart On]

Seems to me,he still thinks 'like a man' but lives 'as a woman'.

[Els]

I agree completely! You two must have known that her becoming a doctor would be hard work and long hours for your wife. Most SAHMs with husbands who are becoming doctors know this and it's expected that he will come home tired during those years and they may have to relocate because of his career. It's a sacrifice.

 

So true. I think people oftentimes want to have their cake and eat it too - there are consequences for everything we get, but they don't seem to realize that. The bf works long hours and that makes it difficult sometimes, but I would never dream of complaining about it when he pays the rent.

 

Seems to me,he still thinks 'like a man' but lives 'as a woman'.

 

Yes, I think this is the crux of the issue as well. I have never heard of an SAHM refusing to relocate when her spouse needed to for a job, except for extenuating circumstances like an ill family member, and even then they will try and work something out.

[carhill]

OP, if you sincerely believe you cannot approach this challenge as a team, proceed down the divorce path and work out the logistics of that. Otherwise, you'll just be drifting through life resenting wherever that drift takes you.

 

I saw this dynamic as an only child, in the traditional arrangement of the 50's-60's, and saw how my parents worked as a team of equals, dad as a white collar professional and mom as the person who ran the household as a full-time job. It was a great model for teamwork. In today's work environment, roles are easily interchangeable but, evidently for yourself, psychology of such roles is more problematical. That's something you'll have to resolve within yourself.

 

I would ignore the sanctity of the holiday period and address this head-on. Ask your wife to take an hour out of her busy schedule and get in front of a professional and get it all out and work it.

 

IMO, if you don't address this proactively and positively, 2012 will indeed become your year of divorce. It may still, as there are no guarantees in life; that path is up to the both of you.

 

An alternative plan would be for you to seek IC to reconcile your feelings about your role as a SAHD and resentment/lack of love you feel towards your now pregnant wife. Perhaps that clarity can help you approach what comes in a healthier manner. Take a hard look at yourself. You're 50% of this marriage; its success or its failure. Good luck

[Cooper55904]

Okaaay, let me get this straight. You say she doesn't have the 'motherly instinct' to spend much time with your daughter, but she is the sole breadwinner for your household. And you list the things you do with your daughter, as if in comparison with hers - well, you're a SAHD! Of COURSE you should be spending the majority of time with your daughter. And of COURSE other moms can spend more time with their children - they're not usually the sole breadwinner. Sleeping is a part of work, for most people. If they don't sleep enough they can't function well at work.

 

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell SAHMs with your complaint: If you don't like the fact that your sole breadwinner's job is taking them away from you and your child so much, help them out. Get a part time job that you can attend when your child is in preschool, or learn a skill that allows you to work from home. Why don't you want to move with her? Usually the person without a job moves to follow the person with one, traditionally this is the woman, but in your case it'll have to be you. If you don't want to have to give way in such things and be the primary carer for the child, don't be a SAHD. It comes with the territory.

 

Gotta take a little offense to the assumptions being made here.

 

I clearly stated she gets home and doesn't even spend a half hour with her daughter after work - I can't think of a single mom that I know (SAHM or not) that spends so little time with their child. My wife also never does a mother / daughter day at the movies, etc. I have a friend who is a superintendent of schools, has two kids and spends takes kids horse back riding, on trips, to the movies, camping, apple orchards, etc, etc. I've seen non physician and physician moms spend more time with their kids. My wife is by far the exception not the rule.

 

 

The money comment while may assume to be true in many cases that the at home parent is dependent on the "breadwinner" does not apply to my situation. As a SAHD between my rental properties (4), buying / selling autos (under a dealers license), and just odd jobs I average nearly $48k in earnings in 2010, should be the same in 2011. But yes as a physician my wife earns more than me, but I'm not a hapless man. Prior to being a SAHD I cleared just north of $110k in 2009.

 

Why not move, basically job is in the south and I grew up in the north midwest. She could easily get a job here if she wanted. She has twice (in past 4 months) said if I don't want to move she will do so and take the kid 1700mi away with her as an ultimatum.

[Cooper55904]

OP, if you sincerely believe you cannot approach this challenge as a team, proceed down the divorce path and work out the logistics of that. Otherwise, you'll just be drifting through life resenting wherever that drift takes you.

 

An alternative plan would be for you to seek IC to reconcile your feelings about your role as a SAHD and resentment/lack of love you feel towards your now pregnant wife. Perhaps that clarity can help you approach what comes in a healthier manner. Take a hard look at yourself. You're 50% of this marriage; its success or its failure. Good luck

 

I think the assumption is I don't enjoy being a SAHD, I do, a lot! What I don't like is how she has not been a parent as our child has grown.

 

She blames it on work, but she sleeps 9:30-5:30 every night, and this past weekend slept Sat 10:30p- Sun 11:30a, woke up till 1p slept till 6p, woke up and slept 9p-5a Monday.

 

** And she took two benydryl Sunday around noon to put herself to sleep while she is pregnant. I always heard if you won't put it in your baby's bottle don't take it while you are pregnant. I asked her when she woke up Sunday morning to do a family day...

 

I have a network of SAHD, I created an alumni club, have football/nascar club, run a play group with 11 SAHM + me. I am an active parent and participator in my daughters' life!

 

Between her work she has pushed me away, not to mention she has 0 friends / girlfriends. I don't know any woman that doesn't do a girls night; besides my wife. She used to have friends in college, but now they have moved, we have moved twice, and although I make new ones, she has none. Her nights out are with me or her work colleagues for a work event / dinner.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Cooper55904

[carhill]

What I'm reading is that you resent your wife for her role (or lack) in co-parenting.

 

I'll give you some examples from my childhood from a father who was 43 when I was born, was a full-time CPA and moonlighted doing taxes and selling investments:

 

We would go over my homework a couple nights a week

He would teach me math tricks and/or new words out of the dictionary nightly, if only for ten minutes

He'd practice baseball/football with me on the weekends

 

Once a week he, my mom and I would go out bowling. That was dad's 'hobby'. We'd also go to church and he'd take mom out generally every weekend.

 

What I'm hearing from you is that your wife does little to nothing with your daughter and essentially works and sleeps and has no social life and generally ignores you. Correct as appropriate.

 

You do understand that she's making that choice, right? Adjunct to that, you are accepting it, if reluctantly. No one held a gun to her head and said 'you will be a doctor, work 100 hours a week and do nothing else'. Everyone has a choice.

 

This is all stuff to go over in MC. Break it down.

 

I look at it this way. It's wonderful for people to be busy and prioritize themselves and their busy-ness over everything and everyone else. They can do that alone. Think about it. They don't want or need anyone else, so why deny them that path?

 

If your wife and/or yourself doesn't wish to seek any middle ground in your M and work as a team, then divorce her and move on. You can effectively co-parent without being married. You can also take legal steps to ensure your parenting role continues, regardless of her desire to move elsewhere.

[Cooper55904]

carhill really hit the nail on the head, busy people can still make time for their family. This is absent in my household, and ultimately the question.

 

I agree with the M counseling, this has been a topic of discussion but she to date isn't available to get to it when someone is available. I wonder if she is afraid of what an outside opinion would be.

 

BTW not sure if it does matter but we ended up getting pregnant on our anniversary, and three months since have dont nothing in the bedroom... Feels like a roommate to me.

[carhill]

I agree with the M counseling, this has been a topic of discussion but she to date isn't available to get to it when someone is available. I wonder if she is afraid of what an outside opinion would be.

 

Here's where your expertise as domestic manager comes in. She identifies three days and times in the next week where she is available. You find a MC. MC's have cancellations all the time. If a scheduled time slot matches up, great; if not, get on the cancellation list for the time slots available to her. It's OK to contact multiple MC's, canceling what is unneeded within their cancellation policy.

 

This how you function as a team, proactively. Her part is proactively carving out the time in her schedule and then sticking to that choice. Yours is matching it up with a counselor and getting appropriate child care for that time.

 

If you're not traveling next week (Thanksgiving in the US) or live elsewhere, get started today. Nothing wrong with giving thanks for something very fulfilling, like a loving and healthy family. Use the positive holiday spirit to your advantage.

[Els]

She blames it on work, but she sleeps 9:30-5:30 every night, and this past weekend slept Sat 10:30p- Sun 11:30a, woke up till 1p slept till 6p, woke up and slept 9p-5a Monday.

 

8 hours of sleep a day pretty much is the minimum for someone with a challenging job

IMO

. Why does she need to wake up at 5.30? Could you perhaps get her breakfast and such ready for her

so

that she can wake up later and thus spend time with you and your child at night?

 

The key issue is you talking to her and seeing how the two of you can work TOGETHER in creating more time for her to spend with you and your child. If you do all that and she just spends the excess time facebooking or such instead, then it is on her, but at this point of time the blame sounds equally distributed to me.

 

** And she took two benydryl Sunday around noon to put herself to sleep while she is pregnant. I always heard if you won't put it in your baby's bottle don't take it while you are pregnant. I asked her when she woke up Sunday morning to do a family day...

 

Dude, are you taking an old wives' tale over a doctor's judgement?! Antihistamines are mostly fine to take in normal doses in pregnancy, and guess what the recommendation is for people who are in doubt? No, it's not 'if you won't put it in your baby's bottle, don't take it while you are pregnant', but it is 'Ask your doctor!'. The drugs unsafe for oral consumption by babies and the drugs unsafe to take in pregnancy are mostly unrelated, although there is some overlap. This is because, firstly, oral absorption is different from direct blood transfer, and secondly not all drugs cross the placental barrier.

 

I have a network of SAHD, I created an alumni club, have football/nascar club, run a play group with 11 SAHM + me. I am an active parent and participator in my daughters' life!

 

This is why you felt the brunt of my acidic tone in my first post, I'm afraid. Why do you keep comparing what you do for your child and what SHE does?? You're a SAHD, it's your JOB to do all that! Not any lesser a job, but a job nevertheless. Surely you knew what a physician's timetable was like before you even had kids. Did you not talk about this prior?

 

Between her work she has pushed me away, not to mention she has 0 friends / girlfriends. I don't know any woman that doesn't do a girls night; besides my wife. She used to have friends in college, but now they have moved, we have moved twice, and although I make new ones, she has none. Her nights out are with me or her work colleagues for a work event / dinner.

 

How exactly has she pushed you away? Have you taken steps to make this better? I don't usually agree that either parent needs to compensate for the other, but seeing as you only have one child in preschool with no disabilities, sounds logical to me that you would have more free time than her and thus you should be the one taking the initiative to rekindle the fire in your marriage and seeing if she tries to buck up as well. What have you tried?

 

How many other women who are physicians do you know of?

 

Gotta take a little offense to the assumptions being made here.

 

I clearly stated she gets home and doesn't even spend a half hour with her daughter after work - I can't think of a single mom that I know (SAHM or not) that spends so little time with their child. My wife also never does a mother / daughter day at the movies, etc. I have a friend who is a superintendent of schools, has two kids and spends takes kids horse back riding, on trips, to the movies, camping, apple orchards, etc, etc. I've seen non physician and physician moms spend more time with their kids. My wife is by far the exception not the rule.

 

I don't know about the women you know, but the doctors I know really do just crash when they get home if they are working from 5.30am to 9.30pm on that day.

 

 

Why not move, basically job is in the south and I grew up in the north midwest. She could easily get a job here if she wanted. She has twice (in past 4 months) said if I don't want to move she will do so and take the kid 1700mi away with her as an ultimatum.

 

Okay, now THIS is problematic on her part. MC would be good for both of you, methinks.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Elswyth

[Cypress25]

OMG. Having another baby as a gift to your first child is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. Are you going to gift wrap the baby and put it under the Christmas tree, and present it to your daughter so she can tear off the wrapping? If you're going to have another baby, it should be because you and your wife want another child, not because your kid wants a sibling. The parents should be the ones who decide how many kids they want. Their children shouldn't be making that decision for them.

 

And if you think your wife isn't being a good mother to one child, what makes you think she'd be a better mother to two children? Try to understand. Your wife has a very demanding job. She spends all day taking care of other people at work. It's understandable that she's not in the mood to take care of her husband and daughter when she gets home.

 

It seems to me that she's taking a role that has traditionally been assigned to men, and she's doing it exactly the way a man would do it. I know plenty of fathers who work full time and when they get home in the evening, they watch TV for a few hours and go to bed, ignoring their wife and kids because they're tired from working all day. They see it as a clear-cut division of labor: the man is the breadwinner, the woman takes care of the kids. They don't feel obligated to help take care of the kids when they get home from work, and their wives don't file for divorce because of it.

 

So if a SAHM doesn't expect help with the kids, why should a SAHD expect it? Why is it that working fathers can ignore their kids, but working mothers are supposed to be Supermom in the evenings? And stop comparing your wife to other wives and your family to other families. Every family is different. You don't seem to have any respect for your wife's feelings. All you care about is that she's not living up to your expectations of a good wife and mother.

[Cooper55904]

OMG it's not a gift for the current child! I want a child, I love being a dad.

 

Also a SAHM deserves help from her husband just as much as a SAHD should have support from their wife.

[Els]

Also a SAHM deserves help from her husband just as much as a SAHD should have support from their wife.

 

If you truly feel that a SAHP who has only one preschool child with no health problems deserves help from their breadwinner partner (barring extenuating circumstances, of course), then you really should not be a SAHP.

 

How much support and help are you giving HER with her career? I have asked you multiple unanswered questions about what YOU are doing for HER and the relationship (not your child! Again, that is your job) not to be nosy, but because those questions are crucial in the success of ANY relationship you are or ever will be in.

 

Point blank, I sincerely doubt you will ever find another woman who will be happy to bring home the bacon while you stay at home with one schoolgoing kid and complain about how she is not a good enough mother and wife. I feel you would do well to appreciate the one you have.

 

P.S. Golly, where's soserious when you actually need her?

Edited November 17, 2011 by Elswyth

[Cypress25]

I don't think an only child situation is ideal, I came from family of three. I felt my daughter deserved a sibling, and she's getting one in 2012.

 

My best friend says there is no way you can get someone pregnant if you don't love them, I disagree. I'm certain the only reason my wife is pregnant is cause I love my daughter enough to give her a gift of a sibling.

 

This certainly made it sound like your primary motivation for having another baby is to give your daughter a sibling. How does your wife feel about this? Because, with all due respect, she is the one who will be producing said sibling. And yet, you make it sound like YOU are giving your daughter a sibling because YOU love her so much. Don't you think your wife loves her too? Don't you think your wife is the one who's actually giving her a sibling?

 

You make it sound like your wife had no say, you just decided to impregnate her because you felt that your daughter deserved a sibling. I'm looking at all the places in your writing where you said "I" or "my" when you should have said "we" or "our." YOU don't think an only child situation is ideal. YOU come from a family of three. YOU felt that YOUR daughter deserves a sibling. The only reason your wife is pregnant is because YOU love YOUR daughter enough to give her a sibling.

 

What does your wife think about an only child situation? How many siblings does she have? How does your wife feel about providing a sibling for her daughter? Does your wife even want another child? Apparently not, since the ONLY reason she's pregnant is because YOU decided that the kid needed a sibling.

 

This whole thing sounds totally warped. Your wife is not a baby machine and no one "deserves" a sibling. Besides, there's nothing wrong with being an only child. There's no automatic benefit to having siblings. In my family, I'm the youngest of three and we all grew up hating each other. Siblings mostly fight and get on each other's nerves until they're adults. Typically, they don't become friends until much later in life.

[Emilia]

OP, it sounds like carhill gave you excellent advice and worked out exactly what the deeper issues were.

 

Ignore the women on this thread, don't rise to their comments. Unfortunately there are many of them on this board that will automatically take another woman's side without thinking through the wider issues. Many of them don't have marital experience and don't understand what the pros and cons of long committed relationships are.

[Emilia]

If you truly feel that a SAHP who has only one preschool child with no health problems deserves help from their breadwinner partner (barring extenuating circumstances, of course), then you really should not be a SAHP.

 

 

Do you seriously believe that only one parent should contribute to the upbringing of a child? What's the difference between a single parent family and those where both parents are present? Also, I believe the OP made it clear that he financially contributes to the family pot - or have you ignored that on purpose? It isn't the main issue however.

 

How much support and help are you giving HER with her career? I have asked you multiple unanswered questions about what YOU are doing for HER and the relationship (not your child! Again, that is your job) not to be nosy, but because those questions are crucial in the success of ANY relationship you are or ever will be in.

 

What's that to do with providing loving care towards a child by both parents? I work with a lot of dads in the office who are breadwinners and they spend their spare time with their families, especially during the weekend. I don't know how much career talk they get from their wives but I think it's the last thing on their mind they want to discuss during family time.

 

Have you read carhill's responses or do you just go off on one regardless?

 

 

Point blank, I sincerely doubt you will ever find another woman who will be happy to bring home the bacon while you stay at home with one schoolgoing kid and complain about how she is not a good enough mother and wife. I feel you would do well to appreciate the one you have.

 

 

 

Would you be making the same unhelpful comments if a woman was complaining about her working husband? I doubt it

[Emilia]

This certainly made it sound like your primary motivation for having another baby is to give your daughter a sibling. How does your wife feel about this? Because, with all due respect, she is the one who will be producing said sibling. And yet, you make it sound like YOU are giving your daughter a sibling because YOU love her so much. Don't you think your wife loves her too? Don't you think your wife is the one who's actually giving her a sibling?

 

You make it sound like your wife had no say, you just decided to impregnate her because you felt that your daughter deserved a sibling. I'm looking at all the places in your writing where you said "I" or "my" when you should have said "we" or "our." YOU don't think an only child situation is ideal. YOU come from a family of three. YOU felt that YOUR daughter deserves a sibling. The only reason your wife is pregnant is because YOU love YOUR daughter enough to give her a sibling.

 

What does your wife think about an only child situation? How many siblings does she have? How does your wife feel about providing a sibling for her daughter? Does your wife even want another child? Apparently not, since the ONLY reason she's pregnant is because YOU decided that the kid needed a sibling.

 

This whole thing sounds totally warped. Your wife is not a baby machine and no one "deserves" a sibling. Besides, there's nothing wrong with being an only child. There's no automatic benefit to having siblings. In my family, I'm the youngest of three and we all grew up hating each other. Siblings mostly fight and get on each other's nerves until they're adults. Typically, they don't become friends until much later in life.

 

Well women are usually present during the baby-making procedure and are full control of contraceptives (especially hmmmm as she is a doctor?) So that makes the first 2 paragraphs completely void.

 

The rest of this post is just weird rambling reflective of your chippy attitude towards men rather than of anything even vaguely helpful towards the OP's situation.

 

By the way, having siblings is MUCH better than not having any as the vast majority of the people in this whole wide world will tell you.

[Els]

Carhill did give excellent advice - that does not make anyone else's invalid, including yours. If you have read my posts at all, I am most certainly not taking the woman's side - in fact, I stated multiple times that I would have said the same thing had the OP been a SAHM instead. You may have missed all my other posts in which I was equally blunt towards women, but that doesn't render their existence void. There have been far crueler posts by women towards other women, towards SAHMs taking care of two disabled children who were called lazy and 'lying around at home with an outstretched hand'. I don't see you jumping to their defense.

 

If you feel that advising the OP to consider not only his wife should do for him and the child, but to also consider her needs and what he can do to help her out, is reflective of lack of marital experience, that makes me wonder as to the sort of marital experience you might have. Indeed, I don't usually ask such things of posters, as I believe that good or bad advice is independent of the poster's background, but as you insist on discrediting ours by the mere fact that we are not married - What relationship are YOU currently in, Emilia? Are you even in an LTR at the moment?

[Els]

Do you seriously believe that only one parent should contribute to the upbringing of a child? What's the difference between a single parent family and those where both parents are present? Also, I believe the OP made it clear that he financially contributes to the family pot - or have you ignored that on purpose? It isn't the main issue however.

 

The OP has clearly stated that the wife is the primary breadwinner, although he can survive on his own if he needs to.

 

 

 

What's that to do with providing loving care towards a child by both parents? I work with a lot of dads in the office who are breadwinners and they spend their spare time with their families, especially during the weekend. I don't know how much career talk they get from their wives but I think it's the last thing on their mind they want to discuss during family time.

 

When I say 'support', that does not automatically translate to 'talk'. I know plenty of good SAHPs who give excellent moral, emotional and physical support to their spouses without saying a word. Plenty of men whose wives are SAHP come home and want to rest and do not contribute to childcare, yes. Would you say the same thing to them?

 

If the OP's wife had been here, I would have advice for her as well. However, currently the OP appears to be lumping all the blame on his wife, and thus I want to know what he is doing to ease her 16-hour workdays.

 

Have you read carhill's responses or do you just go off on one regardless?

 

Carhill offers a different perspective on things. You seem to be under the impression that just because one poster offers good advice, or, in your case, advice YOU agree with (fortunately in this circumstance they actually coincided), other people must immediately stop answering and not think to offer different points of view. Sorry, this is an open forum.

 

 

 

Would you be making the same unhelpful comments if a woman was complaining about her working husband? I doubt it

 

Have you read my posts or are you just going off on me regardless? I would most certainly say the same thing, except that I have never actually seen an SAHM complain that her husband was not fatherly enough to their child.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Elswyth

[Els]

By the way, having siblings is MUCH better than not having any as the vast majority of the people in this whole wide world will tell you.

 

Having grown up an only child, I may possibly have been happier with siblings, but I would definitely be MUCH more unhappy if my parents had been divorced. Especially so, when I find out in the future that my father left my mother because he felt that she was not 'being a good enough mom' despite her working 16-hour-days to be the primary source of income for the family.

[Heart On]

Ignore the women on this thread, don't rise to their comments.

 

What makes you an expert? We all come from our own perspectives and project our own "issues" into subjects.No one here can be totally detached from thier own experiences when we offer insight. Not even you.

 

You seem to have a need to "rescue" men when they fuggup thier lives.

 

I have been a SAHM, of 3 kids.A Provider,thanks to an inheritance.Married, for 24 years and ultimately divorced due to irreconcilable differences.

 

 

Unfortunately there are many of them on this board that will automatically take another woman's side without thinking through the wider issues. Many of them don't have marital experience and don't understand what the pros and cons of long committed relationships are.

 

But you know all....lol

 

It's obvious that this man has issues with his wife,that he thinks he's better than her in most ways,that he "got his wife pregnant" knowing full well he was not in love with her anymore and that he wants another baby to be born to a woman he doesn't even respect as a wife or mother.

 

UmmmDuh! And I'd feel the same way if the roles were traditional and the story was the same!

 

If he knew that he didn't love or respect his wife and was considering divorce,why risk a pregnancy?

 

If he knew that he married a woman who was going to be a BUSY and TIRED doctor,and that he was going to be a SAHD,why is he complaining about it now?

 

If he knew that the spark was gone in his marriage and that his wife falls short of his ideal Mother,why bring another child into it?

 

I would ask the SAME damn thing from a SAHM if she came in here complaining about the same things.

 

 

 

She has twice (in past 4 months) said if I don't want to move she will do so and take the kid 1700mi away with her as an ultimatum.

 

It sounds like a really 'happy, healthy' home to bring another child into where neither parent cares what the other feels or thinks.

 

Hate to tell ya,since she is 'the mother',the breadwinner and now pregnant I think you might want to start packing or file for divorce and custody now and see where the ball falls.

 

Since she will have to continue to work to provide for 2 kids,you may have a better chance at gaining primary custody if you have the money to pay for it.But I would guess,there are very few judges that will award an infant to a Father.

 

Have you told her you don't love her anymore?

That you don't respect her as a mother?

That the spark is gone and you are going thru the motions?

That if you could,you would take both kids and raise them yourself?

That you are seriously considering divorce?

[Els]

 

If he knew that he married a woman who was going to be a BUSY and TIRED doctor,and that he was going to be a SAHD,why is he complaining about it now?

 

Yes, this is what boggles me. They have been together for 11 years, and doctors don't just fall from the sky - they go through 6 years of med school before they even graduate. Surely anyone going into a R with a doc and ESPECIALLY having children with one would do so with eyes wide open, to both the advantages and disadvantages? It's like.. a woman having children with an enlisted soldier and then complaining that the man is never at home to be a father for his children. Does not compute.

 

 

Have you told her you don't love her anymore?

That you don't respect her as a mother?

That the spark is gone and you are going thru the motions?

That if you could,you would take both kids and raise them yourself?

That you are seriously considering divorce?

 

I think this is the crux of the issue. We are missing a lot of input from the OP, and without knowing what he has or has not done and/or discussed, we can't help him any further. I don't feel his wife is completely blameless in the way this entire thing turned out, but I don't feel he is either.