Got wife pregnant and don't love her anymore :/

[Lauriebell82]

This thread has basically turned into arguments. I will try to be objective here, however I do have some questions OP.

 

When you became a SAHD, did you and your wife discuss how you would handle childcare responsibilities, finances, time spent together, ect? I do agree that most certainly the primary caregiving parent will likely spend most of the time with the child. I mean your wife is a going to be a doctor, didnt you realize that she would be exausted and not available the majority of the time?

 

For the record, I am NOT taking sides, if this was a SAHM posting this thread talking about her doctor husband I would be saying the same thing.

 

Basically what I am asking is did the two of you have ANY kind of plan going into this arrangement? If you did not, I think compromise and undersanding is in order. ESPECIALLY if you are adding another child into the mix.

[stillafool]

OP your wife could be sleeping more and extra tired because she is pregnant and working long hours. That would tire out anyone.

[Lauriebell82]

OP your wife could be sleeping more and extra tired because she is pregnant and working long hours. That would tire out anyone.

 

That's a great point, I'm 5 months pregnant and STILL exausted. I could not IMAGINE being a doctor and pregnant at the same time. Maybe some empathy is in order OP? That could be what's she is looking for. (And by empathy I don't mean condoning, I mean understanding.)

[Els]

That's a great point, I'm 5 months pregnant and STILL exausted. I could not IMAGINE being a doctor and pregnant at the same time.

 

The most unfortunate part is that in some cases (not all, not sure what the situation at the OP's wife's hospital is) those doctors are unable to even take decent maternity leave to give themselves a rest. I have watched, heartsick, as my very sick bf dragged himself out of bed to go to work, because that department and hospital were already so understaffed as it was and nobody would cover for him if he didn't go, and the patients would suffer.

 

I can't imagine being pregnant and working 16 hours a day either.

[Cooper55904]

 

Quote:

Have you told her you don't love her anymore?

That you don't respect her as a mother?

That the spark is gone and you are going thru the motions?

That if you could,you would take both kids and raise them yourself?

That you are seriously considering divorce?

 

I think this is the crux of the issue. We are missing a lot of input from the OP, and without knowing what he has or has not done and/or discussed, we can't help him any further. I don't feel his wife is completely blameless in the way this entire thing turned out, but I don't feel he is either.

 

OK the OP is back, and I just read through the posts and try to give some more background.

 

Have you told her you don't love her anymore?

- Neither one of us has taken on this directly. We both feel more like roommates though. I think we both like each other as people and could be one of those couples that just goes though the motions. I know what I used to love most about her seems to be gone. As she progressed though her career she has become quite conservative socially. This has made date nights predictable, she used to watch sports, now she sleeps through watching her "favorite" team (yet insists I stay home and not watch games with friends).

 

That you don't respect her as a mother?

- I have not told her you are a bad mother. What I have done is asked her to take her daughter out to a movie, dinner, the park. I can't even count how many times it's been a saturday and she is home and our daughter wanted to go to a park and play, yet my wife says "why don't you two go". I think there are plenty of opportunities she has had to spend time with her daughter that she has squandered. She can't get these years back. I'm lucky that I have so many more memories with my daughter since she and I ultimately went out without my wife.

 

That the spark is gone and you are going thru the motions?

- She has said she doesn't want a 'roommate" but she also probably realizes doing a career like hers with no one to help with the kid(s) would not allow her to do her career the way she envisions.

 

That if you could,you would take both kids and raise them yourself?

- Honestly I don't think I could ask take both kids because if she moves for the job it isn't fair to the kids mommy is not around. On the legal front I would want us to be in the same state / city so that visitations don't require plane flights or are limited. I don't think any child should be denied one of their parents 1/2 of the year. I also don't think a child deserves a home where the parents fight (we never fight in front of our daughter) or can perceive that mommy and daddy aren't happy.

 

That you are seriously considering divorce

- Neither one of us has said we want a divorce. Our last "talk" when she said she didn't want a roommate I asked her "do you want out" and she is not at that point. I feel that after the move if I went for this job, even though salary will rise 7x her current pay as a fellow, the money, location, lack of friends, weather, and our already bumpy relationship would end in a divorce anyway.

 

 

Someone wanted to know what I do for her to help her after a long day. Well I do plenty that allow her to come home to a house and not have to work after she finishes work. Whether it's the laundry, dinner, clean, pay the bills, wash her car, feed our child, watch child when she needs time to do research, run child to preschool, etc...

 

Anyone who wonders what an at home parent really does should read this:

 

 

Someone else also said she was tired from being pregnant. I can say that her sleeping habits have been this way for the last 2-3 years. I wish it was just temporary.

[Lauriebell82]

 

Someone wanted to know what I do for her to help her after a long day. Well I do plenty that allow her to come home to a house and not have to work after she finishes work. Whether it's the laundry, dinner, clean, pay the bills, wash her car, feed our child, watch child when she needs time to do research, run child to preschool, etc...

 

Those are errands. What about EMOTIONAL support? Such as "Hey, why don't you tell me about your day? You look exausted, why don't I give you a massage and we can talk?"

 

Yes, the errands are helpful, but a roommate can all that stuff, a HUSBAND needs to provide love, support, and understanding NOT just making sure that the laundry is always done.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think an only child situation is ideal, I came from family of three. I felt my daughter deserved a sibling, and she's getting one in 2012.

 

My best friend says there is no way you can get someone pregnant if you don't love them, I disagree. I'm certain the only reason my wife is pregnant is cause I love my daughter enough to give her a gift of a sibling.

 

You completely lost me with the above. It makes me doubt your story.

 

Who intentionally tries to impregnate his wife when he thinks she is a terrible mother, anticipates divorce within a year, and also knows that his wife might move far away and try to take the kid(s) with her?

 

And who really thinks that babies are caused by ONLY "love" or a man's intention to give his daughter a "gift"? Prepubescent romance novel readers?

 

Babies are caused by people having sex.

 

At least I feel happy to have been able to clear that up.

[Lauriebell82]

You completely lost me with the above. It makes me doubt your story.

 

Who intentionally tries to impregnate his wife when he thinks she is a terrible mother, anticipates divorce within a year, and also knows that his wife might move far away and try to take the kid(s) with her?

 

And who really thinks that babies are caused by ONLY "love" or a man's intention to give his daughter a "gift"? Prepubescent romance novel readers?

 

Babies are caused by people having sex.

 

At least I feel happy to have been able to clear that up.

 

Well, this question was asked, this is what he responded. He didn't clarify what he meant by the original statement though...

 

OMG it's not a gift for the current child! I want a child, I love being a dad.

 

I am curious though OP, why did you want to have a baby with your wife whom you no longer love, works long hours, ect. Being a SAHD to 2 children is going to be more stressful for you ESPECIALLY if your wife is absent a lot and not taking responsibility.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[Heart On]

I'm certain the only reason my wife is pregnant is cause I love my daughter enough to give her a gift of a sibling.

 

OMG it's not a gift for the current child!

YOU said you wanted to give your daughter the "gift" of a sibling.

Why take it back?

The ONLY reason your wife is pregnant is because you had "obligatory"

anniversary sex with a woman you admit to not loving,being sexually interested in or respecting as a partner, parent or provider.

I doubt she'd want to have your baby knowing that.

Mme. Chaucer...I always get such a kick out of your posts!

[denise_xo]

I think carhill has given you very constructive advice. Like Emilia, I also can't help wonder whether the responses here would be a bit different if the OP had been a woman.

 

OP, I think this from carhill pretty much sums it up:

 

I look at it this way. It's wonderful for people to be busy and prioritize themselves and their busy-ness over everything and everyone else. They can do that alone. Think about it. They don't want or need anyone else, so why deny them that path?

 

If your wife and/or yourself doesn't wish to seek any middle ground in your M and work as a team, then divorce her and move on. You can effectively co-parent without being married. You can also take legal steps to ensure your parenting role continues, regardless of her desire to move elsewhere.

 

What is your strategy for communicating with her on this issue now, and making her address the issue with you? What consequences are you prepared to take if she is not forthcoming at all? It's not really clear to me whether you are actually communicating much with her about this. Are you? What has she actually said about the situation (beyond that she also feels like a room mate)?

[Star Gazer]

I clearly stated she gets home and doesn't even spend a half hour with her daughter after work - I can't think of a single mom that I know (SAHM or not) that spends so little time with their child.

 

You're not comparing apples to apples.

 

I know PLENTY of SOLE BREADWINNERS (mom or dad) who spend very little time with their children. Male or female, mother or father, the sole breadwinner is often quite tuckered out. MY MOM was the sole breadwinner and was very distant at the end of her long workdays.

 

You're expecting her to live out the role of a traditional women, when in reality she's living the traditional role of a man.

[denise_xo]

The question still remains, though, whether it's desirable that she only spends half an hour with her child every day. The fact that many men have done that historically doesn't mean it's necessarily a positive thing. The family is not dependent on her income alone, so this isn't purely an issue of her being 'the provider':

 

The money comment while may assume to be true in many cases that the at home parent is dependent on the "breadwinner" does not apply to my situation. As a SAHD between my rental properties (4), buying / selling autos (under a dealers license), and just odd jobs I average nearly $48k in earnings in 2010, should be the same in 2011. But yes as a physician my wife earns more than me, but I'm not a hapless man. Prior to being a SAHD I cleared just north of $110k in 2009.

 

There is something in between 'being the traditional man' and 'being the traditional woman'. Where I live, most men and women both work and see their children for more than half an hour a day. I don't think it's unreasonable of the OP to want such a relationship.

[Els]

The question still remains, though, whether it's desirable that she only spends half an hour with her child every day. The fact that many men have done that historically doesn't mean it's necessarily a positive thing. The family is not dependent on her income alone, so this isn't purely an issue of her being 'the provider':

 

 

 

There is something in between 'being the traditional man' and 'being the traditional woman'. Where I live, most men and women both work and see their children for more than half an hour a day. I don't think it's unreasonable of the OP to want such a relationship.

 

I don't think it's desirable either, but it's something that some people have to put up with when they make the decision to go into certain careers, or to have children with those people in certain careers. The way I see it now, unless the OP's wife's job changes, there is nothing that she can do about things. She works 16 hours a day, and 8 hours is really a reasonable amount of time to sleep when one works such a job.

 

I think the ideal would be if OP and his wife had discussed this prior to having the child. But now that they are at this point, there remains only compromise or divorce. I would strongly recommend the former. It is indeed sad that many careers nowadays don't allow a person to maintain a normal family and social life outside the job, but we have to work with what we have.

 

OP - can you not accept that you won't get any childcare help from her during weekdays? Perhaps you could negotiate in that you would see to the children completely on weekdays so she can rest, but on weekends when she is free you could all attend some family activity or such. Although with her being pregnant now, that may be even more difficult.

[Lauriebell82]

OP - can you not accept that you won't get any childcare help from her during weekdays? Perhaps you could negotiate in that you would see to the children completely on weekdays so she can rest, but on weekends when she is free you could all attend some family activity or such. Although with her being pregnant now, that may be even more difficult.

 

I agree with this completely. OP, your wife is a doctor which means she does not have a lot of free time. It seems that it is very important to you to have your wife very involved in your child's life (which is COMPLETELY understandable) however it doesn't sound like her career can make that plausible. I like Elswyth's idea about working out a "schedule" in which she can spend time with your daughter or you can all go out and do something together. That will give her time to sleep, rest, or relax and also time with your child/familly.

 

Unfortunately doctors do not have a lot of free time. It's the nature of the job. She has accepted it, so now you do too if you plan to continue the marriage.

[Cypress25]

Well women are usually present during the baby-making procedure and are full control of contraceptives (especially hmmmm as she is a doctor?) So that makes the first 2 paragraphs completely void.

 

My whole point is that the OP is not taking his wife's feelings into consideration at all. Of course I understand that his wife was physically present when she conceived, but the OP makes it sound like the new baby was something HE wanted, for his daughter. He didn't say anything about his wife wanting another baby. In fact, he said the ONLY reason she got pregnant is so HE would have a gift for HIS daughter. Well, that's a terrible reason to get your wife pregnant.

 

The rest of this post is just weird rambling reflective of your chippy attitude towards men rather than of anything even vaguely helpful towards the OP's situation.

 

I don't have a chippy attitude towards men. It's only this man in particular, because his attitude is completely f*cked up, in my opinion. And my weird ramblings? I was mostly repeating what the OP said, and most of what he said is very weird indeed. I can't help but notice that he didn't address my post at all. Come on, OP, do you care about your wife's feelings or not? Do you even think about her feelings?

 

By the way, having siblings is MUCH better than not having any as the vast majority of the people in this whole wide world will tell you.

 

Clearly, that's a matter of opinion. There are plenty of only children who are perfectly happy and successful, and there are plenty of kids with siblings who are totally miserable because of their siblings. Every family is different and it's ridiculous to make a blanket generalization that all families are better with multiple children. I know what it's like to have siblings. Every bad memory from my childhood and adolescence was because of my siblings. No, it's not always better.

[Cooper55904]

 

OP - can you not accept that you won't get any childcare help from her during weekdays? Perhaps you could negotiate in that you would see to the children completely on weekdays so she can rest, but on weekends when she is free you could all attend some family activity or such. Although with her being pregnant now, that may be even more difficult.

 

It isn't that I need help with child care. It's that I want her to have a bond with her mother and her mother to spend time with her. I am fine managing my time with my daughter, have ample access to sitters if I need one. It's that on weekends if she is free she still pushes me and daughter to do an activity rather than her accompanying.

 

A friend of mine with an EDS (a PhD in childhood education) and superintendent of schools has told me girls without a bond with their mother are prone to issues later in life during teen years. This is another concern to ME. However I also have a wife who believes she is balancing everything just fine. I have brought up my concerns indirectly but it immediately becomes "So you think I'm a bad mom". I want to at some times scream, "yes" but that won't solve anything.

 

As some have mentioned many people give their family ample time whether they are a breadwinner OR just one of two working parents in the house. The SAHP I don't think is a determining factor in this discussion. If I was a 50-60hr/wk working dad and she worked too, I would expect that we both make time for our children.

[Cooper55904]

This certainly made it sound like your primary motivation for having another baby is to give your daughter a sibling. How does your wife feel about this? Because, with all due respect, she is the one who will be producing said sibling. And yet, you make it sound like YOU are giving your daughter a sibling because YOU love her so much. Don't you think your wife loves her too? Don't you think your wife is the one who's actually giving her a sibling?

 

You make it sound like your wife had no say, you just decided to impregnate her because you felt that your daughter deserved a sibling. I'm looking at all the places in your writing where you said "I" or "my" when you should have said "we" or "our." YOU don't think an only child situation is ideal. YOU come from a family of three. YOU felt that YOUR daughter deserves a sibling. The only reason your wife is pregnant is because YOU love YOUR daughter enough to give her a sibling.

 

What does your wife think about an only child situation? How many siblings does she have? How does your wife feel about providing a sibling for her daughter? Does your wife even want another child? Apparently not, since the ONLY reason she's pregnant is because YOU decided that the kid needed a sibling.

 

This whole thing sounds totally warped. Your wife is not a baby machine and no one "deserves" a sibling. Besides, there's nothing wrong with being an only child. There's no automatic benefit to having siblings. In my family, I'm the youngest of three and we all grew up hating each other. Siblings mostly fight and get on each other's nerves until they're adults. Typically, they don't become friends until much later in life.

 

OK I agree I may have made it sound unintentionally that it was a me only decision for my daughter in the OP. I was writing fast, didn't get correct context. I do enjoy being a dad, and I want another child and I also believe siblings are good for eachother. (even if it takes till we are in ou2 20's to fully respect eachother as was my case as being the oldest of 3)

 

My wife has always said she wanted 4 kids, that isn't anything new for me and no surprise to her that #2 is on the way. She was frustrated with me it took so long to get to #2 but a lot of it was her role as a mother, our relationship fizzle, and the job thing.

 

What I don't like is that I have changed to become a better parent than I probably expected to be, and my wife is not the parent I thought she would be. I'm sure she loves her child, but I would like it if my child called for her mom when she was having a problem or bad dream (not cause i don't want to help but because she knows mom isn't someone she can always count on).

[Cooper55904]

Those are errands. What about EMOTIONAL support? Such as "Hey, why don't you tell me about your day? You look exausted, why don't I give you a massage and we can talk?"

 

Yes, the errands are helpful, but a roommate can all that stuff, a HUSBAND needs to provide love, support, and understanding NOT just making sure that the laundry is always done.

 

I do provide some emotional support, but I will admit it has decreased in the recent years. I always ask how her day was, ask what's on tap for the next day. Play with her hair before she falls asleep. We still watch TV in same room (I know some people that are headed for divorce that can't do this). We try to enjoy some of the same activities, but she generally chooses to be sedentary versus going to do something. That tends to keep the cycle going of me finding her actions unattractive.

 

She blames choosing to not go out on work, but in most cases she is at work 7a-7p, yes 12 hours but not uncommon these days. Plus she doesn't come home to do more household work like we both used to when I worked. She also has weekends off at this point in her career. Think about your teachers that are at school 7a-4p, I used to work 6a-5p and commuted 45min (she commutes 5-7min). I can't think of anyone who works a 9-5 anymore in professional careers. But those people still make time for family.

[denise_xo]

I don't think it's desirable either, but it's something that some people have to put up with when they make the decision to go into certain careers, or to have children with those people in certain careers. The way I see it now, unless the OP's wife's job changes, there is nothing that she can do about things. She works 16 hours a day, and 8 hours is really a reasonable amount of time to sleep when one works such a job.

 

There is often room for variation within careers, and space for making at least some choices. I have several female friends who are medical doctors, as well as one who is a medical student and a single mother, who have all made work arounds to be able to have some family life. For example, one of my MD friends who has two children made the choice to work at a doctor's clinic rather than a hospital, so that she would have more time to see her children.

[Lauriebell82]

I do provide some emotional support, but I will admit it has decreased in the recent years. I always ask how her day was, ask what's on tap for the next day. Play with her hair before she falls asleep. We still watch TV in same room (I know some people that are headed for divorce that can't do this). We try to enjoy some of the same activities, but she generally chooses to be sedentary versus going to do something. That tends to keep the cycle going of me finding her actions unattractive.

 

Okay, so it sounds like you do some things together when you can. When my husband used to work as an auditor he would work 12 hours day during the busy season (Jan-April) and I would barely see him during the week. We would have to find some time on the weekends to do things together. He was very tired and would want time to himself, but he attempted to make an effort if he could. You guys need to find a happy medium that works for both of you.

 

She blames choosing to not go out on work, but in most cases she is at work 7a-7p, yes 12 hours but not uncommon these days. Plus she doesn't come home to do more household work like we both used to when I worked. She also has weekends off at this point in her career. Think about your teachers that are at school 7a-4p, I used to work 6a-5p and commuted 45min (she commutes 5-7min). I can't think of anyone who works a 9-5 anymore in professional careers. But those people still make time for family.

 

I feel like you need to stop comparing your wife's career and your marriage to other people. You seem to have done that throughout this thread. I understand the need to justify what she DOESNT do by saying that others are able to, however this is a very unfair comparison because not all marriages or careers are the same. Some doctors are able to have a TON of family involvement, others not so much. It just depends on the individuals. I'll bet you use that against your wife as well. That would piss me off if my husband kept comparing what I did to other people.

 

You also made a comment that you "indirectly" bring up these concerns and she gets defensive. Well, of course she does! Why not try the direct approach. Like sit her down and lay all the cards out on the table. Tell her how YOU feel (not what others do) and what you want for your relationship. Passive aggressive approaches usually end in fights.

[kalilavey]

Ugh. So brief history, dated since first year of college in 1999, married in 2002, daughter born 2008, and in 2011 she is a physician finishing training. We have grown apart and I don't see it fixable.

 

The spark between us is gone, she works too much and doesn't spend time with her family (chooses sleep more often than family). She doesn't have that motherly instinct other moms have (i.e. she gets home from work and in 15 minutes sends daughter upstairs to bed because she needs quiet time)Long story, but for years it's always sleeping when she could be spending time with me or daughter.

 

I love my daughter immensely, I'm a SAHD, and like any dad would do anything for her. Each week we do preschool MWF, play groups Tu/Th, story time Fri, and always spend time together - I feel I over compensate since my wife is not being a mother to her. I don't think an only child situation is ideal, I came from family of three. I felt my daughter deserved a sibling, and she's getting one in 2012.

 

My best friend says there is no way you can get someone pregnant if you don't love them, I disagree. I'm certain the only reason my wife is pregnant is cause I love my daughter enough to give her a gift of a sibling.

 

Can I possibly be the only person who is in this situation???? I am so nervous that 2012 is bringing a divorce in our house (she has job out of state and I don't want to move). But I'm afraid of custody issues, even more so since there is an infant in the mix. (Not seeking legal advice, just stating some more background).

 

 

can i just say how nice it of you to have given her a chance when your so far up on your high horse... get over yourself and grow a pair... i agree with the 1st response, if your so worried about it get off your ass and get a job and maybe free up some time for her to spend with her kids other than knocking her up for your own self-fullfilling prophecy to "give your daughter a sibling". your so thoughtful.... i highly doubt your wife doesnt want to spend time with her family, sleep is a necessity when you work constantly, and im sure she feels you being distant, judgemental, and more than likely nagging her to death, that would make anyone want to sleep contantly..... just stfu and think about someone other than yourself:mad:

[Cypress25]

What I don't like is that I have changed to become a better parent than I probably expected to be, and my wife is not the parent I thought she would be. I'm sure she loves her child, but I would like it if my child called for her mom when she was having a problem or bad dream (not cause i don't want to help but because she knows mom isn't someone she can always count on).

 

A lot of people don't understand what it takes to be a parent until they have kids. Then they realize it's a lot more work and stress than they expected. I bet your wife has already changed her mind about having 4 kids. Once your family starts growing, you realize it's not the perfect, happy family you imagined. No one is ever the parent they expected to be. Your expectations sound a little unrealistic, so you might have to adjust.

 

Your daughter's behavior is typical. It's not because she thinks she can't count on her mom, it's because she spends much more time with you, so she has a stronger bond with you. When I was growing up, my dad worked constantly, often traveling for business. I hardly saw him. My mom was a SAHM. Of course all 3 of us kids felt closer to our mom, who was always there. Even when both parents were home, it would never occur to me to call for my dad. I knew I could count on him if I needed him, but it wasn't his attention that I wanted.

 

It's rare that young children will feel an equally strong bond to both parents because they usually spend more time with one parent than the other. That doesn't mean the one they spend less time with is a bad parent, it just works out that way. Every kid has a favorite parent, I hate to say.

 

Have you considered the possibility that your wife is depressed? She's probably realizing that parenthood is not all it's cracked up to be. Many people assume that having kids will make them happy, but then the kid comes along and makes them stressed and worn out instead of happy. Your wife probably thought she would feel a stronger bond with her daughter but, as you're finding out, we don't always feel the way we expect to feel.

 

It could also be due to your daughter's age. Maybe your wife doesn't know how to relate to a toddler, but she might start to feel closer to the kid when she gets a little older. The kind of parent she is now isn't the kind of parent she'll be in 5 years. You need to realize that it's a lot more complicated than just "she's a bad mom." She isn't, by the way. It sounds like she's doing fine, she just isn't as thrilled about being a mom as she expected. If you lower the bar a little and stop expecting her to be Supermom, you might see that she's not doing such a terrible job after all. Cut her some slack, is what I'm saying.

[denise_xo]

It isn't that I need help with child care. It's that I want her to have a bond with her mother and her mother to spend time with her. I am fine managing my time with my daughter, have ample access to sitters if I need one. It's that on weekends if she is free she still pushes me and daughter to do an activity rather than her accompanying.

 

A friend of mine with an EDS (a PhD in childhood education) and superintendent of schools has told me girls without a bond with their mother are prone to issues later in life during teen years. This is another concern to ME. However I also have a wife who believes she is balancing everything just fine. I have brought up my concerns indirectly but it immediately becomes "So you think I'm a bad mom". I want to at some times scream, "yes" but that won't solve anything.

 

As some have mentioned many people give their family ample time whether they are a breadwinner OR just one of two working parents in the house. The SAHP I don't think is a determining factor in this discussion. If I was a 50-60hr/wk working dad and she worked too, I would expect that we both make time for our children.

 

Maybe that's exactly what you should say (although I don't think you should scream it). It is, after all, one of the key issues you are concerned about. I think you should just say it straight, so that she has to face up to it rather than turning it around to blame you.

 

More generally, you talk as if a lot of communication has been indirect, and it sounds like that hasn't been getting you anywhere. How about bringing it up more directly? It can still be done in a non confrontational manner (as in, no screaming or labelling or whatever). I think you need to consider alternative communicative strategies, and alternatively also push again, and more forcefully, for MC. It doesn't sound to me like you're actually communicating this very well with her.

Edited November 19, 2011 by denise_xo

[Mme. Chaucer]

I actually agree that whether someone is very tired, sole breadwinner, or whatever, they need to manage to spend some time with their children.

 

But we don't get the wife's side of the story. I wish we could.

 

OP, YOUR side of the story is not portraying you as a very sympathetic character in this situation. You seem very judgmental, disrespectful of your wife, and especially really arrogant in your proclamation regarding the reasons for the new pregnancy.

 

I suspect that you behave passive- aggressively in your marriage. I also think that you are out of line declaring that there is "no" bond between your daughter and her mom, and to make your wife out to be a loser of a mother because your child calls for you at night rather than her mother.

 

You accepted the role of SAHD and primary care giver. That stuff comes with the territory. It does not reflect poorly on the other parent.

[Els]

Gah, I lost a HUGE post by accident, so bear with my brevity

 

It isn't that I need help with child care. It's that I want her to have a bond with her mother and her mother to spend time with her. I am fine managing my time with my daughter, have ample access to sitters if I need one. It's that on weekends if she is free she still pushes me and daughter to do an activity rather than her accompanying.

 

A friend of mine with an EDS (a PhD in childhood education) and superintendent of schools has told me girls without a bond with their mother are prone to issues later in life during teen years. This is another concern to ME. However I also have a wife who believes she is balancing everything just fine. I have brought up my concerns indirectly but it immediately becomes "So you think I'm a bad mom". I want to at some times scream, "yes" but that won't solve anything.

 

As some have mentioned many people give their family ample time whether they are a breadwinner OR just one of two working parents in the house. The SAHP I don't think is a determining factor in this discussion. If I was a 50-60hr/wk working dad and she worked too, I would expect that we both make time for our children.

 

I think you should tell her the bolded, but in a nice way. Be sympathetic of her long work hours and tell her you don't expect to do anything on weekdays when she is working for 16 hours, but on weekends you would like to have a family day on occasion. You may possibly need to postpone this til after her pregnancy though, because IMO being pregnant and a doc-in-training is more than enough on someone's plate already.

 

I find it most worrisome that you immediately decided on divorce without ever having discussed the issue honestly and maturely with her.

 

 

I feel like you need to stop comparing your wife's career and your marriage to other people. You seem to have done that throughout this thread. I understand the need to justify what she DOESNT do by saying that others are able to, however this is a very unfair comparison because not all marriages or careers are the same. Some doctors are able to have a TON of family involvement, others not so much. It just depends on the individuals. I'll bet you use that against your wife as well. That would piss me off if my husband kept comparing what I did to other people.

 

You also made a comment that you "indirectly" bring up these concerns and she gets defensive. Well, of course she does! Why not try the direct approach. Like sit her down and lay all the cards out on the table. Tell her how YOU feel (not what others do) and what you want for your relationship. Passive aggressive approaches usually end in fights.

 

I agree completely with this. That is the most worrisome part of it for me, IMO, that the OP constantly compares his wife to himself and other moms, none of whom work 16 hours a day. To be fair he only comes across as judgemental through text though, and may actually be a loving husband IRL - we don't know.

 

There is often room for variation within careers, and space for making at least some choices. I have several female friends who are medical doctors, as well as one who is a medical student and a single mother, who have all made work arounds to be able to have some family life. For example, one of my MD friends who has two children made the choice to work at a doctor's clinic rather than a hospital, so that she would have more time to see her children.

 

I think something that bugs some of us here is that rarely are men ever expected to compromise on their career advancement in order to spend more time with their families. Indeed I have seen many female doctors sacrifice parts of their career for their families, but I have seen almost no male doctors do so. I do not see why this should be expected of the OP's wife, especially as she is the main breadwinner for their family - not the traditional female role, so traditional female expectations should not also be levied on her. I would think that she should have discussed this with the OP -before- having the children though.

 

Working in a clinic is a huge sacrifice for a doc-in-training because it means that you cannot train. And thus you cannot get the fellowship that she is apparently very close to. Fellowship is the pinnacle of a doctor's achievement, akin to tenure for a professor, in that many doctors don't even consider that they have succeeded in achieving their goals until they become a Fellow.

 

On the other hand, once having achieved fellowship, doctors usually don't have to work so hard anymore. So if the OP is able to compromise with regards to moving with his wife to the hospital where she was offered fellowship, there may yet be a chance.