Got wife pregnant and don't love her anymore :/

[denise_xo]

I think something that bugs some of us here is that rarely are men ever expected to compromise on their career advancement in order to spend more time with their families. Indeed I have seen many female doctors sacrifice parts of their career for their families, but I have seen almost no male doctors do so. I do not see why this should be expected of the OP's wife, especially as she is the main breadwinner for their family - not the traditional female role, so traditional female expectations should not also be levied on her. I would think that she should have discussed this with the OP -before- having the children though.

 

Working in a clinic is a huge sacrifice for a doc-in-training because it means that you cannot train. And thus you cannot get the fellowship that she is apparently very close to. Fellowship is the pinnacle of a doctor's achievement, akin to tenure for a professor, in that many doctors don't even consider that they have succeeded in achieving their goals until they become a Fellow.

 

On the other hand, once having achieved fellowship, doctors usually don't have to work so hard anymore. So if the OP is able to compromise with regards to moving with his wife to the hospital where she was offered fellowship, there may yet be a chance.

 

I completely see where you're coming from and I agree that this is the case, but personally I would raise the same expectation to a man. Like Madame C, my point of departure is that if you're going to have children, you need to be able to spend some time with them (and yes, I understand that some jobs are different - my father was at sea when I grew up so he could be absent for months at the time). I agree that it's different if a couple have spoken about it beforehand and agreed on an understanding that one partner will be 'absent' from child rearing for X years during training, but unfortunately that doesn't seem to have happened here (or I guess we don't know if it has).

 

In this particular case, I don't understand why they have chosen to have another child under the circumstances, when she appears to have no time for child rearing and the OP isn't happy with that arrangement (but in this particular case, my impression is that this couple doesn't know how to communicate together at all, and that this is at the core of the problem).

 

I also see what you're saying about career choices. But all of this are choices, and this couple appear not have made these choices very clearly. One of the many reasons why I don't want children myself is that I don't want to make the compromises it involves for the type of work I am doing now and want to do in the future. I think when you go into a high powered job of any kind (and personally I would apply this to men as much as I would to women), I think you need to really think of the consequences up front if you're going to have children, and discuss it with your partner.

 

I do also think times are changing, at least they definitely are where I live. Personally, I know several men who have made career sacrifices because of their children, which has caused them either lower job satisfaction, lower pay, or less room for career advancement (or a combination of those).

Edited November 19, 2011 by denise_xo

[Els]

Completely agreed. It's slightly mind-boggling that all this happened because they did not communicate their expectations before having one child, and are now having child #2 while that STILL has remained undone.

[Cypress25]

I think something that bugs some of us here is that rarely are men ever expected to compromise on their career advancement in order to spend more time with their families. Indeed I have seen many female doctors sacrifice parts of their career for their families, but I have seen almost no male doctors do so. I do not see why this should be expected of the OP's wife

 

This is something that bothers me as well. Women are expected to make sacrifices for their children, while men are not. If both parents work full time, it's still the woman who is supposed to juggle career and family. No one expects the man to perform the same juggling act, because it's acceptable for the man to focus primarily on his career. It's never acceptable for the woman to do that; she is supposed to put her family first, no matter what. These expectations piss me off.

[D-Lish]

My father is a Physician, growing up, he spent LONG hours away from the household. I remember often going to bed before he got home from work as a little one.

 

I also remember that he called home during the day to chat with us often, that when he did come home late at night he would wake me up to say hello and sit with me for a while. He spent most of his free moments with my brother and I. He went out of his way to make the most of every moment he had with us. His free time was family time.

 

I think my mother would have been highly frustrated had my dad come home only to send us kids to bed so he could go to bed himself (not to mention how that would make a child feel). I can see why the OP is frustrated. He loves his child, he wants his wife to love his children as well, he wants a little help. Man or woman, it's hard raising a child without participation from your spouse.

 

Just because she is the bread winner shouldn't make it okay to choose sleep over your child the majority of the the time.

 

I can sympathize with everything except the second pregnancy- that makes little sense to bring a new child into an already broken environment.