Falling for friends wife

[Mr. Omega]

I don't really have any questions because I know what I have to do. I have to not ever act on it, not let myself dream about it, try to let it go. But it's a hard place to be in and I can't tell anybody in my real life.

 

It's so complicated. I'm going through an ugly divorce, it's been dragging on for over a year now fighting over custody and money. My wife has really revealed all this ugliness she used to hide better, I'm disgusted that I used to love her. My wife and this man, my friend, used to date before we got married, and they had a baby, my stepson. So I've known this man for years because he has always been a good dad to the boy. Then I married her, and a few years later we had our daughter. After we'd been married for a few more years our marriage started going to hell for a few different reasons and she threw her ring at me on Christmas Day and demanded a divorce.

 

Anyway her ex boyfriend, my stepsons real dad,and I started getting friendly as I was going through the divorce. He was going through a custody battle with her at the same time because she was monkeying with his time. He got married a few years ago. Funny, I didn't really pay much attention to his wife at first. My wife never liked her so I never spent any time with her. She is pretty in the face, younger and prettier than my wife if that matters, but heavier and taller than I usually like women. Maybe too young for me, I'm not actually sure exactly how old she is...early thirties I'd guess. Anyway I never knew what my wife had against her but I never thought about it much. My stepson always liked her and later my daughter did too though she didn't spend much time with her.

 

Now I spend a lot of time with them. They have young twins and they like to get all the kids together so my stepson can be with all his siblings at the same time. They have me over for dinner sometimes, just to hang out. They have been helping me with my court case because he had evidence about stuff my wife was lying about, plus they just understand what it's like to deal with her, she is like a pit bull with lipstick as they say. I am not from this area and I spend most of my time either at work or with my daughter so this couple is pretty much the only friends I have besides some work friends. I began to realize why my wife hated his wife so much, it's because both the kids like her so much, because her ex boyfriend loves her so much, because she is just...better than my wife. Like my wife she is smart and funny, but she is also kind, she's just really nice and people respond to her because they like her not because they are afraid of her or envious of her. I don't notice her being heavy at all anymore I just notice how gorgeous her skin and hair are. She's also more naturally graceful than my wife, I keep noticing the way she moves. They are really happily married.

 

I'm never going to do anything about it. It just hurts. I love being around this couple but I hate being around them now too. I wish I had married a woman more like her and not my actual wife (soon to be ex-wife).

[whichwayisup]

I think this woman just has opened your eyes to show you that there are OTHER women out there in the world for you (though not her) and there's hope.

 

Focus on the friendship with HIM, not her. A crush is a crush and I think that's all it is. She is a 'family' friend now so don't go crossing lines, flirting or anything. Keep the thoughts and hands to yourself. When around her, don't be sneaking looks and giving her looks either. Do your best not to fantasize about her either.

 

And remember, you don't wanna be that guy. There's so much at stake here, the kids, the friendship, your self respect..

 

You're smart and know what's what, so keep on thinking with your head not your other parts.

[Mr. Omega]

Oh I am thinking with my big head. Most of the time anyway. I never flirt with her, never will. She's really happy with her husband, they love each other and I would never do that anyway, I don't believe in cheating and I do believe in being good to your friends. I can't help fantasizing about her though sometimes. She's got everything I thought my wife had, brains, wit, looks, but she's got all the other real stuff my wife only pretends to have, kindness, sweetness, being a good mother. Bigger boobs too, if you're into that and like most guys I am even though I only look out of my peripheral vision. I'm pretty sure she'd never walk out on her husband on Christmas day, or use her kids like pawns and weapons, and she's not psycho competitive.

 

I'm old enough to know life goes on and I'll love again and end up with somebody else, not this great lady. But it's a big, big crush, not going to go away easy. I wish I could get away from her for a few months so I could just get over her without having to see her all the time, but I don't want to lose this couples friendship and my daughter would miss out on seeing them.

 

The whole thing totally sucks.

[analystfromhell]

She could introduce you to one of her single friends? Birds of a feather and all that. Not that you'd necessarily fall for one of her friends but you never know and in the meanwhile it could take your mind off her and hopefully the divorce as well.

 

Good job thinking with your head in this case- it's hard.

[norajane]

Proximity to her, and to their good marriage, is what is making you fantasize and be so into her.

 

If you were around a nice, single woman in the same warm "intimate" family way, you would probably fall for her, too.

 

This infatuation will pass. Really.

[Mr. Omega]

She could introduce you to one of her single friends? Birds of a feather and all that. Not that you'd necessarily fall for one of her friends but you never know and in the meanwhile it could take your mind off her and hopefully the divorce as well.

 

Good job thinking with your head in this case- it's hard.

 

It is so hard. Too bad they can't clone people yet.

 

You have an interesting idea there but most of her friends as far as I know are coupled up or gay. Or both. And unfortunately she only has brothers. Maybe I will actually sniff around this idea though in the future...like you said birds of a feather.

 

Proximity to her, and to their good marriage, is what is making you fantasize and be so into her.

 

If you were around a nice, single woman in the same warm "intimate" family way, you would probably fall for her, too.

 

This infatuation will pass. Really.

 

It seems to be hard to meet women now. I'm in the 2nd half of my 40s, was married ten years, most women I meet are married. I know a few who are going through their own bitter divorces, and a few others who remind me of my (almost ex) wife, hard around the edges, calculating. Some women in their 20s who seem more like little girls, no offense to anyone. I'm not drawn to anybody but this one woman. I know I can't be drawn to her though but I'm not willing to cut these people out of my life. One thing I really respect and am grateful to this woman for, she is making sure my stepson is still in my life. My own wife cut him out of my life completely, and I missed him a lot and he started acting up at school. It was one of my wife's low blows. This other woman, who is his stepmother of course, she understood.

 

I do know it will probably pass. I don't really believe in romance novel kind of ideas where you pine after somebody forever and ever, but right now I feel like I finally get where the idea for those stupid novels comes from. I feel like this woman is my saving grace, except now I'm stuck in this teenage agony triangle again like I'm a 47 year old man back in high school.

 

I guess I need to figure out where the single women my age are at these days. Single women used to be everywhere ten years ago, where the hell did they go?

[Mr. Marvellous]

Try spending time away from this couple, so you'll be able to sort out your feelings.The more you see her, the deeper you fall. The less you see her, the bigger the chance that you'll get over her. It's difficult, but you can train your mind to forget.

[Atlantico]

well, what I read in your message:

 

1. You are sexually atracted to this woman

2. You enjoy being sexually atracted to this woman

 

In my book by those 2 things you are betraying this woman husband (your friend) friendship, just because you keep around their place.

 

Please, please go anywhere else, and make your visits sparse and short.

[Lauriebell82]

I have another view. You have mentioned several times about her "heaviness." You say this doesnt bother you "anymore" but it did at some point. And you keep mentioning it. I think if you were REALLY attracted to it then you wouldn't even think about it or feel the need to mention it when you talk about her attractiveness.

 

I believe you are probably projecting the feelings you USED to have for your wife, onto this woman. You may also have some unconscious resentments over the fact that your wife used to be in a relationship with your crush's husband, therefore it's like a "revenge" crush.

 

Of course these are just theories and you say you are not going to do anything about it. HOWEVER, that's often what people say prior to starting an affair. Tread lightly, you cannot for certain say that it will never turn into anything. I would stop spending so much time with her and just see her husband. That will cool things off.

[The Blue Knight]

Proximity to her, and to their good marriage, is what is making you fantasize and be so into her.

 

If you were around a nice, single woman in the same warm "intimate" family way, you would probably fall for her, too.

 

This infatuation will pass. Really.

 

I would agree. She's what you wish you had because you were married to Broom Hilda and by comparison, this woman is everything you wish you had for the past decade. There are other women like her. You just have to be willing to find her. She's out there.

[Mr. Omega]

well, what I read in your message:

 

1. You are sexually atracted to this woman

2. You enjoy being sexually atracted to this woman

 

In my book by those 2 things you are betraying this woman husband (your friend) friendship, just because you keep around their place.

 

Please, please go anywhere else, and make your visits sparse and short.

 

Yeah, I am sexually attracted to her. No, I don't enjoy it.

 

I "keep around their place" anyway because it's the only way I can see my stepson. I was in his life since he was in diapers. I'm not going to just walk away from him if I have a different option. Also I think it's good for my daughter.

 

I have another view. You have mentioned several times about her "heaviness." You say this doesnt bother you "anymore" but it did at some point. And you keep mentioning it. I think if you were REALLY attracted to it then you wouldn't even think about it or feel the need to mention it when you talk about her attractiveness.

 

I believe you are probably projecting the feelings you USED to have for your wife, onto this woman. You may also have some unconscious resentments over the fact that your wife used to be in a relationship with your crush's husband, therefore it's like a "revenge" crush.

 

Of course these are just theories and you say you are not going to do anything about it. HOWEVER, that's often what people say prior to starting an affair. Tread lightly, you cannot for certain say that it will never turn into anything. I would stop spending so much time with her and just see her husband. That will cool things off.

 

I don't count two times as "several". I guess our math is different. Also I never said it bothered me, I said I just didn't notice her right away because of it and also because we didn't spend time together because my wife didn't like her. Theres a big difference.

 

The revenge crush idea is kind of interesting but I'd have to think about it more. My gut reaction is that has nothing to do with it. Ive had straight-up revenge fantasies around my wife before, I can admit that, but this dosn't feel like part of that. Anyway at this point what I wish most about my wife is that she would just go away. Or are you talking about revenge on him? I don't want revenge on him for anything. For what? I'm not some dumb kid bent out of shape because I wasn't my girlfriends "first" . He was smart enough to get away from my wife, I'm the schmuck who married her, but we were both fooled by her for a while. It happens.

 

I can for sure say it will never turn into anything. I know how to keep myself under control and keep fantasy and reality apart. I can't just never see her, because of the kids involved, but I do already spend more time with her husband since we work on our court issues together. I never spend any time alone with her.

[Atlantico]

I "keep around their place" anyway because it's the only way I can see my stepson. I was in his life since he was in diapers. I'm not going to just walk away from him if I have a different option. Also I think it's good for my daughter.

 

So your plan is to invade their household for the rest of your life, for the sake of your step-son, and secretely fantasizing about the lady of the house, which happens to be married to your best friend? Sorry but I can´t resist to say "get a life!!".

 

You can have other arranjements to see your step-son, let him visit you in your place etc

[Lauriebell82]

 

 

I don't count two times as "several". I guess our math is different. Also I never said it bothered me, I said I just didn't notice her right away because of it and also because we didn't spend time together because my wife didn't like her. Theres a big difference.

 

The revenge crush idea is kind of interesting but I'd have to think about it more. My gut reaction is that has nothing to do with it. Ive had straight-up revenge fantasies around my wife before, I can admit that, but this dosn't feel like part of that. Anyway at this point what I wish most about my wife is that she would just go away. Or are you talking about revenge on him? I don't want revenge on him for anything. For what? I'm not some dumb kid bent out of shape because I wasn't my girlfriends "first" . He was smart enough to get away from my wife, I'm the schmuck who married her, but we were both fooled by her for a while. It happens.

 

I can for sure say it will never turn into anything. I know how to keep myself under control and keep fantasy and reality apart. I can't just never see her, because of the kids involved, but I do already spend more time with her husband since we work on our court issues together. I never spend any time alone with her.

 

Wow, you sound very defensive. What were you expecting from posting this thread? Did you want people to tell you that you are doing the right thing and not change anything? On LS people aren't always going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. I learned that lesson 5 years ago.

[writergal]

I don't really have any questions because I know what I have to do. I have to not ever act on it, not let myself dream about it, try to let it go. But it's a hard place to be in and I can't tell anybody in my real life.

 

It's so complicated. I'm going through an ugly divorce, it's been dragging on for over a year now fighting over custody and money. My wife has really revealed all this ugliness she used to hide better, I'm disgusted that I used to love her. My wife and this man, my friend, used to date before we got married, and they had a baby, my stepson. So I've known this man for years because he has always been a good dad to the boy. Then I married her, and a few years later we had our daughter. After we'd been married for a few more years our marriage started going to hell for a few different reasons and she threw her ring at me on Christmas Day and demanded a divorce.

 

Anyway her ex boyfriend, my stepsons real dad,and I started getting friendly as I was going through the divorce. He was going through a custody battle with her at the same time because she was monkeying with his time. He got married a few years ago. Funny, I didn't really pay much attention to his wife at first. My wife never liked her so I never spent any time with her. She is pretty in the face, younger and prettier than my wife if that matters, but heavier and taller than I usually like women. Maybe too young for me, I'm not actually sure exactly how old she is...early thirties I'd guess. Anyway I never knew what my wife had against her but I never thought about it much. My stepson always liked her and later my daughter did too though she didn't spend much time with her.

 

Now I spend a lot of time with them. They have young twins and they like to get all the kids together so my stepson can be with all his siblings at the same time. They have me over for dinner sometimes, just to hang out. They have been helping me with my court case because he had evidence about stuff my wife was lying about, plus they just understand what it's like to deal with her, she is like a pit bull with lipstick as they say. I am not from this area and I spend most of my time either at work or with my daughter so this couple is pretty much the only friends I have besides some work friends. I began to realize why my wife hated his wife so much, it's because both the kids like her so much, because her ex boyfriend loves her so much, because she is just...better than my wife. Like my wife she is smart and funny, but she is also kind, she's just really nice and people respond to her because they like her not because they are afraid of her or envious of her. I don't notice her being heavy at all anymore I just notice how gorgeous her skin and hair are. She's also more naturally graceful than my wife, I keep noticing the way she moves. They are really happily married.

 

I'm never going to do anything about it. It just hurts. I love being around this couple but I hate being around them now too. I wish I had married a woman more like her and not my actual wife (soon to be ex-wife).

 

I've seen this crush phenomenon happen to several of my divorced friends; where they conveniently develop a crush on a friend's spouse as a coping mechanism, part of the whole avoidance of the trauma that going through a divorce causes. Your stepson's stepmom is like Meg Ryan's character Sally Albright in your eyes; smart, funny, kind and stable in stark contrast to your wife whom you said, disgusts you.

 

Your crush isn't real and you need to see that clearly. It's a projection of what you wanted from your wife but clearly didn't get if loving her disgusts you now, despite the fact that you got a stepson and biological daughter from that union.

 

Your stepson's parents represent a sort of safe-haven for the emotional chaos you're feeling while you go through this very stressful life transition of divorce from your wife. The fact that they're helping you with your divorce proceedings also creates a very codependent connection for you which isn't bad, but it could be if you rely on them for everything which I'm not saying that you are since I don't know you. As an outsider observer, having seen my own friends go through divorce and having dated a few divorced men at various stages of the post-divorce healing process, I can say that your entire world has been uprooted and the more time you spend with this couple, the calmer and normal you must feel, maybe?

 

If you really want to get over this psuedo-crush you have on your stepson's stepmom I would suggest you create some boundaries that will allow you to continue to receive the emotional comfort and legal assistance they have provided for you so far. There are groups where you can meet women of all ages via Meetup.com. Every city/state and country has access to this social networking community where people create a group that other people can join for free. Since you're in a really stressful transition of life right now, maybe dating isn't the answer but a divorced men's group for emotional support instead? There you can commiserate with men who are going through divorce, where you can act as resources for each other and possibly develop long term friendships or short term as a support system. The more resources you connect yourself to as you go through your divorce, the less likely you'll come out the other side of the divorce feeling fractured.

 

I bet you'll feel better if you do the support group thing and try out a few meetup groups based on your interests. Just a thought.