Long story short...

[fistandantulus]

I met my first girlfriend 3 years ago. She liked me first, which made me aware of her attention, then I began to be interested in her. She made the move first when she was drunk at a gathering party (red flag!). She kissed me unexpectedly and told me how she liked me. After I told her the same, she asked me if I was sure, because she was a troubled girl (red flag!). I totally dived in the relationship. I was a mature guy when we first met as I am now. So, even though we went pretty fast down the road, I always considered the relationship as serious and promising. I was quite aware that she was the most insecure girl in the world, full of childhood abuses, a broken family, lack of a father figure, and on top of that being lied by her ex. But, I saw how beautiful a person she is inside despite all the guards she covered herself with. I set my mind to love her and I did, with every square inch of my heart. We had problems, mostly related to her insecurities and a few related to mine. Nevertheless, I helped her a lot in her life. She wasn't going to graduate if it wasn't for me, because she was in deep depression when we met. I persuaded her to see a psychiatrist and get help, which she did and helped her a lot. I supported her in every decision she took, helped her on the way and taught her to never give up when she failed. I was the one who taught her driving and I gave her my car to practice when I didn't use it. I nursed her when she had a nose surgery. I tried to be both a partner and a father she never had. I simply put everything I had on the table for the relationship without asking very little in return (bad idea!). I asked one simple thing: genuine forgiveness and compassion when I made unintentional mistakes. I did make mistakes, and repeated them, but putting an effort to make it right every time. Unfortunately she never helped me in my efforts and always left it to me to solve the problem (red flag!). In the meanwhile, we started to make plans for future. I was about to finish my masters and she was about to graduate finally. I was planning on a PhD abroad for a long time and shared it with her. We decided to come to the States together. After almost 2 years, we got on the plane and flew here. We were having problems before we arrive here, but I saw the new continent as a fresh breeze to our relationship. I had hopes that we would make things better, now that we will build our lives together.

As a start she was going to a different state for an extension, then she planned to find a job in where I am. Then she gave me the bad news: She was no more in love with me, but she was still loving me the most. She wanted to stay friends, but I didn't. Yet I still said yes, because I couldn't just leave her alone, which would have crashed on her because I was the only person she knew on the whole continent. She went to an other state after she spent a couple of weeks in my home. We talked every single day, till she decided to drop the program she was in and come back to where I am for a masters in my university. I opened my doors to her and let her stay with me, sleep on the same bed, until she finds a space to live. This took almost 2 months, the longest and most painful 2 months of my life. I was sleeping next to her, but without even touching her. I literally sacrificed my sanity for her well-being, which I don't regret even now. I felt like it was my duty, because I could handle it, and I did indeed. Then she finally moved out. She still called me to hang out, to talk mostly, because I have always been a good listener for her and given her some useful advice. She always said that she saw me as a friend and that always hurt me. I said her many times that I would always see her more than a friend, and that I was ready to put effort in to making things work. But at the end of last semester, when I was preparing for my PhD qualifying exams (a big deal), I realized that I was only hurting myself by seeing her. Right before I went back to my country for a long vacation, I told her that I couldn't do it anymore, and if she wanted me in her life, that could only happen in a relationship. She told me that she could never get me out of her mind, but she felt to weak and confused. I told her that I was going to get her out of mind during that vacation and never contact her again. I also let her know that of she changes her mind, she knows how to contact me, but she has to be sure and ready to show the effort. I was totally relieved after telling how terrible she made me feel despite everything I did for her. I knew that I did my best for her and I was ready to do more. But if she refuses my best feelings for her, then I am in position to further jeopardize my goals, my dreams, my sanity for her. Unluckily, this only took a month, until she emails me on my birthday and tells me that she is ready to do anything to make things work. It was like a birthday present for me at that time, because I felt, for a long time, that I meant something for her (delusion!). I asked her if she was sure, because this was going to be hard, she had to put real effort. I put my heart again on the line, my already broken heart. She said yes and that we should keep it slow, which I definitely agreed.

So, we started this semester back together, which was broken for the last time a month ago. She said me first that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, but she was going to talk to her psychiatrist about it. I asked her if there was any specific reason for that because I am athletic, handsome, successful, smart and funny. Besides I improved myself a lot compared to the person I was when we first met. She said no, there wasn't any reason for that. For her, it was just something missing. Supposedly, she didn't even want to touch me, forget about kissing or sex, which we always had problem anyway. In the meanwhile, after we got back together I almost begged her to go out for a dinner, because she was always busy and only had time to study. We mostly watched shows she liked when she had time, which once took a whole day! I always told her that it is impossible for us to fall in love again if she refuses to spend quality time together. She simply took it for granted and waited for that feeling to appear again, which didn't. So, only after two days she told that she wasn't attracted to me, she went out with a couple of friends for a birthday and then came back home with them. And, at the same time I was going to give her roomy a ride to the airport. When I went to their apartment to pick her up, she was totally drunk with 3 guys, one of which was interested in her without a doubt. I tried to remain calm, but let her know that I was angry. I took her roomy to the airport and return backed to her home to checkout on her, because her stomach gets sick when she drinks too much. She was lying in her bed drunk, that guy sitting on a chair next to her, which pissed me off. I asked her if she was OK and what happened to spending time together this night. She hadn't invited me for a drink even once, and now she was drunk with some other guy! She asked me why I wasn't trusting her. What the ****! What the hell does that supposed to mean? I told her that I wanted to see if she was OK, and if she doesn't want me in her home, I would leave in a second. And, she said I could leave! Wow! I asked her if she was sure about what she said and she said yes she was. OK, I left there. Next morning she called as if nothing happened and asked me if she said or did something wrong last night. I told her that she kicked me out of her home. She said she didn't remember anything but my stopping by to pick her roomy up. Seriously! I asked her how the hell we were supposed to make this thing work if this was the best she could do. She apologized reluctantly and it took her another 2 days to send me an email telling that she couldn't do it anymore. I emailed her back saying that I wish a happy life for her, but I don't want to see or talk to her in anyway for the rest of my life; also that I wouldn't stay friends with her because she did nothing for me to deserve to be my friend. I guess, that was my closure. I know that I did my best, and she did nothing, because everybody in her family was sorry that we broke up the first time, but no one in my family and among my friends wasn't. They even got happy that we broke up again, because they honestly never thought that she was a good match for me. That I realize now. The best thing is, I should be thankful to her for breaking up with me, because I don't have to put up with all the drama she had. I still have a small wish though. I want her to love somebody as half as I loved her, and then he tells her that he isn't attracted to her anymore. That would be freakin' awesome