Differences

[Sunflower22]

Hi everyone,

 

Let's see where to start..... My husband and I have been married almost 3years now and things seem so rocky, we just don't have the same views lifes circumstances and situations. I think he has a lot of resentment toward me and I'm getting there. We have a 18 month old daughter who is wonderful and I would say we both love her very much and do our best with her but I feel he lacks commonsense when it comes to actually caring for her and I don't always agree with how rough he plays with her. When I try to discuss this with him he rolls his eyes says she likes the way he plays and that he is her father and will play with her how he wants. I feel that he teaches our daughter to be wild and rambunctious and there have been times she's gotten hurt. Then of course it's I told you so but to late. I know he loves her but we just don't see eye to eye. She is teething right now and has not been feeling well she has had loose stools all day. As her mom I was concerned. He attempted to put her to bed tonight and I listened as she cried for about 30-45 minutes so I went in the room to get her cause obviously it wasn't working, plus with her not feeling well I didn't want her more upset. Well he got angry and told me I was undermining him and that made me angry. I am her mother to and if I don't want my sick baby more upset I have a right to try to sooth her. I decided to take her to clinic and he had a big attitude about that. He didn't want to go said it was a waste of time and pointless. I told him I was taking her and leaving cause I am so tired of arguing with him on parenting issues and if I want to take her to clinic so I know she's ok then I don't want to hear complaints or attitude from him. I told him when he has her he can raise her the way he pleases he's her father and she loves him I can't keep him from her but at least when I'm with her I can mother her in peace and do what I think is best. I am due with our second child dec. 6th a boy. I'm sure again we won't see eye to eye. I don't even care to communicate with him at this point. He says I'm the most hateful person he knows which does hurt my feelings but oh well what can I do. I just want him to live his life and stop influencing me or arguing with me over things that I feel is the right things to do especially with babies. He thinks he knows everything until it's to late.

 

Thanks for listening

[Feelin Frisky]

You're welcome.

[bigmomma1974]

This is my outlook on what i just read...Seems to me it has to be your way or no way. Marriage means that you have to come to an agreement. Ok yeah a teething child can be very moody but when daddy was trying to get her to bed seems like you wanted to take charge. Maybe he feels nothing he does is good enough in your eyes. we wrestled around with our children when they where younger and there not wild and out of control. Daddy needs to remember he has to be a little gentlier if he hurt her. Probably wasnt his intentions at all.

[Forever Learning]

Get to a marriage counselor. If he won't go, get yourself to individual counseling.

 

You need a mediator (a therapist) to help you with this situation. It's not fair for you to be steam rolled by this guy all the time. It's very stressful on you in the long run.

 

I doubt he'll go to the counseling though. My ex-husband wouldn't. He didn't want to listen to a 'voice of reason'. I went through all you are speaking of and much more for 16 years with a man like yours. It wasn't worth it (in my case). You need the outside advice of a professional to sort this out. Don't live this way, it's too stressful in the long run. If he won't go to counseling, give him an ultimatum. It's how you have to deal with these personality types. They are bullies, honestly. Good luck.

[Atlantico]

Sunflower22: Parentship is all about doing mistakes and at the same time trying to do our best. What you consider correct and standard might not be either, the same goes to your husband. I fell you take your criteria as correct and your husband´s criteria inadequate. I would be carefull about this.

 

Unless your husband´s care towards your daughter is beyhond reasonable I would advise you both take an attitude of controlled aceptance of each others baby care, in a time share manner.

 

You both might arrange some schedule of taking care of the baby and when one takes care of her, the other just does not interferes EVEN if he/she feels things should be done differently, basicly shuts off.

 

This arrangement has worker for us.

 

As for doctor visits, I for one am also in the thinking that many times we should let nature do her curing act and let the doctores alone, but guess what, not my wife. So we compromise and meet somewhere in the middle, tough I know but quite possible.

 

To give you an example we have a friend couple that educate their daughter in a way that would be un-thinkable to us: they are rough, punish the little too much (not physiaclly) and are always teasing her. Guees what, this girl is showing a great ability face little (yet) life setbacks in a more balanced way than our son, so who is right after all?

[stillafool]

I really don't know what to say except you are a loving and caring mother.

[scaredandalone1223]

I agree with some of the other posters in that you are both now in defensive mode.

 

Men play rough with their children. Maybe I should say 'most' there. As a matter of fact from what I've seen most all GOOD FATHERS play this way. Men's paternal instincts are much different than our maternal ones. Especially with our oldest I got freaked out every time my husband did the throw him in the air thing. All kids love this, my son loved it, but it freaked me out. I finally got over it or just left the room (or area). It wasn't worth causing a fight over something they were both enjoying. As for the doctor if she's just teething I would prob. wait it out. I'm not a huge fan of doctors and they have to already go so much when they are little I usually give it a couple of days. Now obviously if she's running a high fever and lethargic or not really eating and becoming dehydrated go to the doctor but for every little thing just as a reassurance measure I would wait things out.

 

As far as the bedtime thing. You guys need to sit down beforehand and decide a path for this. There are two very different schools of thought on the matter. We never really had to do the cry it out method but had agreed if it came to that we would. If you decide to go that route then just because she is crying you can't go in to pick her up.

 

My advice is to ask for your husband's input more. For you guys to discuss parenting things beforehand so that when the time comes to make a call you are already in agreement.

 

With this being your first child, as a mom you are more protective. I was this way for many years with my first one. It caused many problems in that my protectiveness turned to babying him as he grew older. My husband was not for the babying approach. I became too easy going so my husband had to overcompensate by being too strict. It was a vicious cycle and looking back it was a HORRIBLE thing for our son. By the time our 2nd one was born we had learned a lot and we were almost 7 years older so we had matured quite a bit (we were 20 when our 1st son was born). I haven't been nearly as protective and at times admittedly overbearing. My husband hasn't had to take on the role of both the mother and the father when it comes to discipline. Our oldest turned out just fine but he often jokes he was the guinea pig...we learned all the good and the bad with him so his brother gets the smooth road.

 

So my advice, is to try to not be so over protective. To let your husband have a go and not try to micro manage his parenting when he is parenting. Do not be overly critical of his skills and do not have the I'm the mom so I do know best attitude. Please do not think I'm saying that to hurt your feelings. I'm just offering advise from my own experience and advise having seen many friends and relatives have similar issues ESPECIALLY with their first child. As moms we want to be and do everything and we feel we know what is best in every situation but your daughter, like my son, are VERY FORTUNATE to have a dad in their lives who care so much. As moms the best things we can do for our children is to let those dads do just that even if it is in their own way that may not be exactly ours :-)

[scaredandalone1223]

@ Atlantico .... We firmly believe in teasing both our kids. If they have an odd trait or do something we find different we rag them nonstop about it. They are permitted to do the same when we say something stupid or have a weird quirp. This has helped them tremendously in school. My oldest is in middle school and no matter who tries to pick on him about what he can laugh it off. If they pick on him and it's something funny he laughs right along with them. Nerd and Geek are a term of endearment in our home so being called one at school is a compliment! Now I'm not saying if they have a true certain disability to pick on them or anything of that nature but otherwise I believe teasing your children can be an excellent self confidence builder. It also teaches them tolerance of others and to accept others because everyone is different in some way. A while back my then 13 year old and 6 year old were talking and my 6 year old said something about being normal. My 13 year old responded with "You're not normal. No one is normal. There is no such thing as normal" those words are so very true and I'm thankful even at such a young age my son realizes, accepts and respects that!

[Atlantico]

I agree with scaredandalone1223, we men are have a different sensbility (or lack of) towards our beloved little ones. Paternality kicks in a diferent shape of the maternal behaviour: we express emotional bonds differently perhaps in a more physical way and I am glad my wife keeps neutral when I decide to (try) kick my soon in a particular way and he (tries) to kick me back untill I say please stop !!

 

My wife and I have a diferent rules, for bathing, scholl home work methods and so on, so when one of us is in charge of the kid, the other just does not interfere, and let me tell you sometimes I cringe my teeth, but so does she...

 

Who is rigth? Only time will tell.