New here: Questions for OM/OW

[bumblebe12]

New to LS but after reading through this thread I have a few questions for OM in particular but also OW. I am the WW but my STBX and I are now separated. We have been for 3 months (my idea) thought we still live together for financial reasons. I did not leave my M to be with OM, at all, it was just in the mix, too. My OM, now BF, has NEVER asked me about my H or my M. Not even once. At the beginning he would make comments when he got upset with me, like "put your ring back on ect." Those stopped awhile ago. I have tried to bring up little things to update him on what's going on and he says "it's not my business, you don't need to tell me anything, I assume you can handle it."

 

On one hand I like that we don't have to bring the drama of my M into our relationship but on the other I feel like it is strange he does not want to know. OM/OW - is this "normal?" Did you ask questions about the OP's M, why or why not?

 

In all honesty, he is not the guy to get involved with a MW. He's had A LOT of girls over the years, even several LTR's and he's very open about that. He is open about the fact that he "disappeared on girls" all the time, very easily. I accept that for what it is because I have no right to judge anyone.

OM is clear and conscise and tells it like it is, no holds barred most of the time. He was unemotional and a player for several years. He explains these things and is unapologetic for them.

 

Then I came along unexpectedly and he's went from trying to be different before me, to actually BEING different. We had a little honeymoon period for about 3 weeks in the beginning but then reality set it. We're now starting to settle into a functioning R. He is now firm about wanting a future with me and seeing things through organically. We've hung out with each other's friends and we're preparing to meet family's. He just told me for the first time over the weekend (3 months in) that he's in love with me. He also stated that despite his most valiant efforts not to, he got into a R with me and found himself unwilling/unable to give it up.

 

For OM/OW, is this a real feeling or an affair fog? Knowing how analytical and straightforward he is I believe him but reading through these posts I wonder if he's playing out a fantasy? *things are far from perfect though* We've played through the jealousy, the trust issues on both sides, and simply overall commitment.

 

It's not about leaving my H (that's already happening)... it's just my curiousity about knowing what OM have felt like and if they've had this situation before. How did you handle it? How did YOU feel?

 

Any thoughts and comments will be appreciated!

Edited November 16, 2011 by bumblebe12
spelling

[woinlove]

This so much depends on the individual. No one can tell you what the OM is thinking or will do, but perhaps from reading about some similar situations, you can see the range of possibilities.

 

A few of the things you say about OM remind me of myself as an OW. The previous Rs that might have lasted a while, but ultimately didn't turn into M or a real committed R, disappearing on SO, not asking about the BS -- those were all me and I was a commitment phobe. I did all the in love stuff, said I love you, met friends, family, was there through MM's drawn out separation leading to divorce. But as soon as he was actually divorced, I realized this was not who I wanted to spend my life with, and I ended it. While he was still M, it was as if I could act committed, make plans for the future, but it didn't bring out my commitment phobe tendencies, because he was...well....married, so it was safe.

 

I think it is difficult to tell exactly where things are heading until you are divorced and free to be fully committed to OM. When you are both free and available and making plans for the future - there is then no excuse to not turn them into reality, and then one sees what one really has and if both really actually want that reality or not.

 

In your case, I'd suggest getting divorced. I know there are financial reasons, but I'd do everything possible to make sure I could still eat and have some kind of shelter, but not worry about taking any financial hits otherwise. Starting to life a real life, rather than the limbo you are in, is worth more than money. Once divorced and available, I think things will become clearer with the current OM.

[spice4life]

I'm not in your situation, but I was an OW and can only speak to the followng. I didn't ask questions or I should say I stopped asking questions because it seemed to make him uncomfortable when I did. I respected that and figured he would talk if he wanted to, so I didn't push because it was none of my business really. I'm not a commitment phobe, I'm just very real and tell it like it is and I respect peoples right to talk about things when they are ready. I don't like games and just enjoy being honest and like living life based on what's real.

 

How did you react to him when he did ask?

Edited November 16, 2011 by spice4life

[bumblebe12]

Thank you both so much! I was just looking for some kind of insight and you two gave me a lot with just your responses. I understand the commitment phobic thing and that sound A LOT like my BF. That's actually how I been thinking he may feel.

 

We are definitely getting divorced, the financial reasons are moreso that our house doesn't go into foreclosure. Until March, neither of us can afford it without the other and we BOTH want the house. So neither of us are willing to leave. I know that sounds crazy but I am working to get everything straight because I want it over sooner rather than later.

 

He's been almost ambivalent to the M thing I guess - he's actually never asked or brought it up. Never. But when we have spoken about it, it's been because he was upset about the situation. I reacted poorly, I would say, because it was more defensive than anything. A week into things STBX, BF and I had an encounter (H stalked me and showed up at a restaurant where BF and I were - police were called) obviously it went HORRIBLY. My STBX let it go but after than BF never wanted to talk about it again. I think it made everything TOO real, too fast.

Edited November 16, 2011 by bumblebe12
cause

[spice4life]

I forgot to answer the fog question. There was a point I was in a fog in my situation, but after being met constantly with the opposite of what I thought, I put the situation in its proper perspective. In other words, I yanked myself out of the fog because I felt foolish for thinking one thing and being told another. I don't like feeling like a fool for anyone so I detached and began viewing it sans fog. (I'm not saying he was trying to make me feel like a fool...not at all). It was the healthy thing to do IMO because it took the focus off of him and put it where it belonged, on me and my life.

 

I can't speak for men, but I feel if he is viewing you as a big girl who can take care herself regarding her marriage, that is a good thing. It means he respects you as an individual and for who you are and knows your relationship with your husband has nothing to do with your relationship with him. If he tried to interfere and tell you what to do, or worse yet, demand that you do things his way, that would skew your relationship with him and make it about your marriage. That wouldn't be healthy for you and him. It would probably cause resentment on both your parts.

 

Just some thoughts.

[Quiet Storm]

It could be because he doesn't want to be reminded that you are someone else's wife.

 

Deep down, he probably feels he deserves better. Cognitive dissonance is a way that we lie to ourselves when we do something that is against our values. If his values are against infidelity, he will get an uncomfortable, anxious feeling whenever he is reminded that he is with a cheater.

 

He likes the relationship, the chemistry, the way that you make him feel...but he is questioning the character of someone that would cheat on her husband. It doesn't jive with the type of woman he wanted for himself. He doesn't like those feelings, though, so he tries to push them out of his mind. He avoids the subject and anything that reminds of it, because he is not ready to deal with his real feelings yet.

 

Often, when an affair does turn into a legitimate relationship, reality begins to seep in and the non-married person will think "What kind of person am I really with?" The red flags are more noticible when the main obstacle (being married), has been resolved.

 

Talking about your husband and the divorce, shines a spotlight on the realities of your relationship, which may make him uncomfortable.

 

JMO.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[East7]

I am a fOM and much like your OM, I had plenty of GFs before meeting MW, still I fell head over heels for MW and wanted a future with her at the very beginning. Unfortunately it was never more than an A. Your OM is lucky that you are not cake-eating.

 

I never asked MW about her M, I just didn't want to know. I avoided the subject that could bring me to the reality that she was someone else's wife. I wanted to believe that her H was a kind of roommate and nothing ever happened between them, I know very naive..I just wanted to avoid being hurt by reality with her H.

 

As for the future with your xOM, now BF, no one has a crystal ball. The fact you left your H and have made a choice is a good thing to show him you are not cake-eating but still staying under the same roof with you H will erode his trust in you and undermine your future with him.

 

Whatever the reasons to live with your H could be, if you want your OM to trust you, you need to move out ASAP. He may not say anything right now because he is in the "love fog", but in the future he can hold that against you and become resentful.

Edited November 16, 2011 by East7

[SoMovinOn]

For OM/OW, is this a real feeling or an affair fog?

 

I don't buy into the whole idea of "Fog". It's just a way to try to somehow make someone not responsible for their actions. Unless someone is brain damaged or mentally incapacitated in some other manner, they always know exactly what they are doing, they are making choices.

 

I would say the feelings are real, in your case, and in most cases. The only exception would be when someone gets involved in an A purely for sex - then they may deliberately lie to their AP in order to get them involved and keep them around.