Can a relationship work without the "Honeymoon Period"

[Piddlywinks]

I'm a 27 year old male that has been dating a 22 year old girl for 2.5 months. We get along great romantically and personality wise. We've never had a disagreement really. She's definitely the sweetest girl I've ever dated.

 

The thing is I never felt that "honeymoon period" feeling where everything was fantastic and you can't stop thinking of each other. I really like her, but I don't have any feelings that you could really call "love". I really enjoy her company and am physically attracted to her, but I'm starting to fear I'm being irresponsible with her feelings. She's clearly VERY into me. Texts all day every day (always initiates), says she can't wait to see me (we can only hang out once or twice a week).

 

I'd say I grow more attached to her every time we hang out, but I don't think I feel content because I have a nagging feeling every time we hang out that I'm being a jerk because if I don't feel stronger feelings soon, I'll have to break it off. I can't tell if this is a self-fulfilling kind of thing that maybe is not allowing me to focus. It's stressing me out pretty bad.

 

I keep planning things with her thinking that the attraction will grow and maybe I will feel that "spark", but my question is if you think this is a terrible idea? I think she fell for me pretty hard after the first couple dates, and tells me how I'm so great all the time. I'm starting to feel like I should break it off ASAP because it seems irresponsible to keep a relationship going like this. This would devastate her because she would NOT see it coming, and I've never hinted that this would happen. But, maybe this is the right thing to do... I'd be fine with just keeping it going to see where it goes, but It'll only be worse for her if I have to do it later.

[futuregopher]

How did you guys meet? 2.5 months is a long time and if I didn't feel that "attraction", I would call it off. I wouldn't want to lead someone on like that.

[Piddlywinks]

Yeah we met through an online dating site. So really we talked for a couple of weeks before we met even. It makes me extra uncomfortable because she just moved to town and I'm one of her only local friends, so I'll manage to destroy her love life and social life in one fell swoop. *sigh*

[LexiB]

I think you should continue dating her and see where it goes.

 

You are genuinely attracted to her and genuinely like her, correct? Your only problem is that at the moment she's more into you than you are her. If things were more balanced, would you still be considering breaking things off or would you just chill out and see where it went?

 

People put too much emphasis on that "instant spark", and imo (and personal experience) miss out on a lot of potentially amazing relationships. If having a honeymoon period was the surefire way to a successful relationship, you would never have been single and able to date this girl in the first place. The fact that those all girls you had sparks with are now your ex's should help you consider that as less of a necessity going forward.

[carhill]

OP, tell us about your last experience where a lady was 'very into' you. How did that go?

 

With the current partner, if you are sexually active, how long have you been so with her?

 

What's your relationship history? If you've had a girlfriend for over a year, that would be a good point of reference to describe.

 

What I'm looking for is your relationship 'style'.

[RiverRunning]

2 - 3 months isn't that long into a relationship and to find yourself still uncertain. That's pretty normal, I'd say. Those over-the-top 'lovey-dovey' feelings aren't always immediate, if they come at all. I never felt butterflies-y with my current boyfriend. But we do have a calm, comfortable and wonderful companionship. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself for what you think you SHOULD feel by now rather than just going with the flow and getting to know her better. Because let's be real here - you still don't know each other that well, especially if you're only seeing each other once or twice a week.

[jobaba]

The thing is I never felt that "honeymoon period" feeling where everything was fantastic and you can't stop thinking of each other. I really like her, but I don't have any feelings that you could really call "love". I really enjoy her company and am physically attracted to her, but I'm starting to fear I'm being irresponsible with her feelings. She's clearly VERY into me. Texts all day every day (always initiates), says she can't wait to see me (we can only hang out once or twice a week).

 

Pfffft...

 

Just about every woman that I 'couldn't stop thinking about' in my life turned out to be an unrequited love or crush. I did have one girlfriend that I was gaga like that over for a while, but she wasn't like that for me. And I can't think of any time any woman ever has been.

 

Maybe it's different if you're more attractive. But for me, those emotions are totally stupid. You know what I'd be if I took those 'can't stop thinking about' and 'butterfly in my stomach' feelings to heart and declared them 'true love' ...

 

STALKER!

[LexiB]

Those over-the-top 'lovey-dovey' feelings aren't always immediate, if they come at all. I never felt butterflies-y with my current boyfriend. But we do have a calm, comfortable and wonderful companionship.

 

 

And this is what's important. Methinks the Sex in the City/chick flick culture has messed up men just as much as it has women.

[norajane]

A lot of times, in the beginning of a relationship, that spark or those butterflies are created by uncertainty and anxiety. Does he like me? Is she interested? Is he thinking about me? Does she want me?

 

If there is less uncertainty, there is less anxiety, and often, fewer butterflies. That doesn't mean you don't like a person or aren't attracted to them. It means you know they are into you, so you don't feel that yearning to get them to like you...because they already do.

[Piddlywinks]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I appreciate it!

 

OP, tell us about your last experience where a lady was 'very into' you. How did that go?

 

With the current partner, if you are sexually active, how long have you been so with her?

 

What's your relationship history? If you've had a girlfriend for over a year, that would be a good point of reference to describe.

 

What I'm looking for is your relationship 'style'.

 

Hmm I'm not sure I've ever had a relationship where the girl was so obviously into me from the beginning. I've probably been that into girls but I don't really show it. (Gotta play it cool man). We've been sexually active since maybe the 4th or 5th date? So about a month and a half I think. Really, I don't have long relationships. Not really more than 6 months? They've always ended mutually or when there are clear problems. Or the girl unceremoniously cuts off contact perhaps. I've never had it happen where it seems great but one of us still calls it off. Generally, I take relationships pretty slow.

 

A lot of times, in the beginning of a relationship, that spark or those butterflies are created by uncertainty and anxiety. Does he like me? Is she interested? Is he thinking about me? Does she want me?

 

If there is less uncertainty, there is less anxiety, and often, fewer butterflies. That doesn't mean you don't like a person or aren't attracted to them. It means you know they are into you, so you don't feel that yearning to get them to like you...because they already do.

 

Yeah I see what you're saying. I guess when I feel those feelings I feel like it's because I'm very attracted to a girl or there's something special about her. Without that I feel like there's some sort of passion missing to me.

 

2 - 3 months isn't that long into a relationship and to find yourself still uncertain. That's pretty normal, I'd say. Those over-the-top 'lovey-dovey' feelings aren't always immediate, if they come at all. I never felt butterflies-y with my current boyfriend. But we do have a calm, comfortable and wonderful companionship. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself for what you think you SHOULD feel by now rather than just going with the flow and getting to know her better. Because let's be real here - you still don't know each other that well, especially if you're only seeing each other once or twice a week.

 

That's true, 2-3 months isn't that long, but it feels like a long time to be wishy-washy especially when the girl is so into me. I feel like I'm gambling with her emotions! I mean she's already told all her family and friends all about me, telling them how I'm so great. I'm really private, so I think only my closest friends even know I'm dating her. It feels awfully lopsided.

 

You guys have got me thinking for sure. I've really tried to analyze WHY I'm feeling so iffy. Or what red flags there are.

1. The biggest red flag to me is that if a girl flirts with me or I get messaged on the internet or something I want to see where that goes. I haven't and never would, but the feeling is there. In some other relationships I don't even care about or think about other women.

2. I find myself comparing her looks to other girls? I find her attractive, but I guess I've been with other girls that I consider more physically attractive. (Or more my type perhaps). I've always thought I'm the kind of guy that can get past that, but maybe there's something there.

3. I don't seem to think about her as much as I expect while we're apart. I text her all through the day, but my mind wanders to other things.

4. If she broke up with me tomorrow I would be more relieved than distraught.

 

On the other hand, like some of you were saying, I do feel extremely comfortable around her. We could probably talk forever without any uncomfortable silence. She's never done a single thing I could point out as disrespectful or mean.

 

Basically I just feel like there's a passion missing (Like The Honeymoon Phase I guess?). I've never been in a relationship where I've been so unsure. I even seriously went to break up with her a couple weeks ago just because the indecision was killing me. I couldn't go through with it, not just because of the guilt but because I started to feel I might be throwing away a good thing for no good reason. Maybe it's because I'm extreeemely busy with work so I can't concentrate on a relationship well. I'm pretty sure the stress from work and this relationship are going to be the death of me.

 

Even if I do decide to break up with her, I don't think I could do it this weekend or next weekend because I'd ruin her holidays, so I suppose I'll have a couple of weeks to think. I just feel like there's a ticking clock because the longer I wait the more attached she's going to get.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening guys, haha.

[norajane]

1. The biggest red flag to me is that if a girl flirts with me or I get messaged on the internet or something I want to see where that goes.

That could be your insecurities...you want the validation of winning a woman to like you. That makes you feel good. But that only leads to the short relationships you've had - nothing that lasts. Because it's just about winning her over, not about compatibility or developing an emotionally intimate relationship. The chase, the win, is what you are after.

 

This girl is open to you and honest about her feelings for you. That creates no need in you to win her over, because you already have. That also creates anxiety for you: "ohmygod, if I stay with her, I will actually have to get over myself and develop a real relationship because she won't dump me and I can't find fault with her so that I can dump her. Aha, I'll find her less attractive! That will help me rationalize dumping her! Perfect!"

 

Just something to think about. Your issues follow you no matter who you date.

[Piddlywinks]

"ohmygod, if I stay with her, I will actually have to get over myself and develop a real relationship because she won't dump me and I can't find fault with her so that I can dump her. Aha, I'll find her less attractive! That will help me rationalize dumping her! Perfect!"

 

Ouch, my inner monologue is kind of a jerk! I see what you're saying. Maybe I have become insecure about relationships. I don't enjoy "the chase" but I'm almost always the dumpee. If anything I've become pretty guarded because I frequently get dumped as a relationship begins and I don't know why. I figure she's just not that into me or I'm just bad at transitioning to a real relationship. In fact I'm generally in the exact opposite position I am now. Everything is fine, then kicked to the curb. Dr. Norajane... Getting me to analyze my own unfortunate hypocrisy.

 

I guess I'm kind of torn between my romantic and logical side. I've always kind of felt that if I meet the girl that's truly right for me I'll know it right off the bat and "sparks will fly". This girl seems right logically but I just don't feel it emotionally. Chick flicks man, they ruin dudes' expectations too apparently.

 

Ugh, or maybe I'm just a douchey pickup artist that's just really bad at his craft like my inner monologue says. I hope not.

[norajane]

Don't feel bad. A lot of people keep going along and don't do the introspection that forces them to take a good, hard look at themselves and what they are doing to create some of their issues. It's too, too easy to "blame" the other person for not being this or that, for not behaving this way or that way, whatever.

 

Denial is a comfy place to live. So is obliviousness to any issues we have.

 

I used to have the problem of never being attracted to the guys who were attracted to me, and always falling for guys who were unavailable in some way: emotionally unavailable, geographically undesirable, age inappropriate, married...all great guys with whom the spark sure would fly!

 

Eventually, I got around to realizing I was sabotaging myself because I have fear of intimacy issues...any guy that offered a relationship that really "could" turn into a real relationship, the kind that requires true emotional intimacy, I was somehow, magically uninterested in him to the point of finding him totally unattractive. But show me a guy who could never offer a real relationship that required me opening up and letting him in all the way, yeah, I was all for the sparky spark! That way I could love him as hard as I wanted, while deep inside I knew things could and would never work out with him.

 

All of this is, of course, subconscious self-sabotage. It took me years to get to the point where I saw what I was doing and it was not random coincidence that I didn't feel butterflies with the guys attracted to me. Once I did get a handle on that, a lot changed, mostly with me working to feel better about myself and dealing with my insecurities.

 

If people have trouble dating, whatever the problem is, often the answer is within ourselves. For you, if you keep seeking validation from many women...if the sparks fly and yet you always end up unhappy...look within yourself for the answers.

 

Also, I learned that you create the romance...be romantic, do romantic, make the other person feel special and hot, and she will end up doing the same for you. It grows and breeds. You have to be open to it, though. Logic, yes. My bf is huge on logic and prides himself on logic and on rationalizing emotions. Use logic to grow your relationship - you get out of it what you put into it. Think about how you are and what you do with those girls you are so into winning over...do that with your gf and see if that changes both how she responds and how you feel.

Edited November 18, 2011 by norajane

[Piddlywinks]

Thanks for the input norajane, I appreciate it. It's good to think about these things since it's hard to notice without an outside perspective.

[SilverLining]

Actually, I'm going to have to disagree with NoraJane. This might be the case for her but I don't think it is the answer to this situation.

 

This guy wants to break up with his girlfriend and he's coming here for validation that it's ok. In my opinion, if you are thinking about and wanting to break up with someone, you should do it! You clearly are not happy in the relationship and that does nothing for your sig other.

 

A person can date someone who seems great, who has all the right 'qualifications' and with whom they can find no fault...but that doesn't mean the relationship is right for them. This relationship is not right for the OP and he has spent 2 and a half months trying and rationalizing and feeling guilty. Don't. This is the way of relationships - sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't. Her love life and social life are not your responsibility. Honestly, what you would be doing is letting her go so that she is free to find someone who can feel about her the way she needs. And then, so can you.

 

OP, you gave this relationship a chance and that is more than a lot could say. Just take her aside and tell her that while you recognize she is a very sweet and loving person, and while you have no specific issue with her or anything she has done, you don't feel as intensely for her as you would like, and don't think it's right to continue the relationship without that. Then listen to her but do not waver, and go. Don't try to contact her, leave her alone; and if she tries to contact you, ignore it. Good luck.