Crappy Coping Journal.

[OnyxSnowfall]

So I'm inebriated (thank you dear red wine - void of manual sulfites).

 

This is shallow, but I'm going to miss being sexually active. Wait.... I already do. Damnnn. Casual encounters cannot suffice either - the idea is simply atrocious.

 

My "ex" and I are going to be living together until January. It's a bit confusing, too. The father of my children offered to let me stay with him for a little while, and crazily enough, I may indeed do so at the end of this month --- it really all depends upon how this.......... bizarre, situation, unravels from here on out.

 

It's been a few days since I've broken down at least.

 

It's really quite sad how much I've allowed myself to become enmeshed within another being. For several years now. And it ended, not quite abruptly ------- our dawn was plagued after all... Heh. But, it ended........ surprisingly, for me, at least. I gather he has been transitioning for quite some time. I could feel him distancing from me (not into the arms of another, but into himself........) and yet, I was only capable of pushing him deeper in... never strong enough to pull him closer into me. Typical of a BPD nutter, perhaps.

 

Ugh...... I just know it's going to take me a few years to mend. I don't know about him. Of course I care for him still. I've been cooking for him and doing what I can to take care of him (as he's been sick) ---------- I realize it's foolish and likely pathetic............ I even went down on him after he blatantly informed me he was done with attempting a relationship with me. Oh well. Worse "uncharacteristic" things have occurred.

 

But, in any case, self is irrelevant. While I fluctuate from disconnecting from myself and reconnecting to it........... if there's anything this has taught me, it's that I can't allow myself to detach and erase people from my conscious being anymore. It is an outdated coping method. It allows me to survive, but pitifully. Not in a humane way.

 

Still, at this point, I'm highly against my bosom ever opening up again - not to the extent it did. No one can reciprocate my madness anyway. The raw vulnerability it unleashes renders *me* into an utter and useless mess......... and it doesn't benefit... ANYONE. Ever. It sews peril and gobbles up all kinds of poor creatures.

[Nexus One]

Hey Onyx, are you saying you and the guy you wanted to marry broke up?

 

You sound all over the place with your thoughts.

 

Let me get this straight. You lived with your boyfriend, who was not the father of your kids, but you guys were on a path to marriage. Then he pulled away from you in the direction of another woman.

 

You guys broke up and you'll be living with him until January, however the father of your kids offered you to stay with him.

 

Does that sound about right?

[Thieves]

So I'm inebriated (thank you dear red wine - void of manual sulfites).

 

This is shallow, but I'm going to miss being sexually active. Wait.... I already do. Damnnn. Casual encounters cannot suffice either - the idea is simply atrocious.

 

It's not shallow, Onyx, because I feel the same way when it comes to the sex department of things -- or shall I say, when it comes to being single, period. Not just with sex either, but with any type of close affection. But that's definitely a part of it. I have to admit, though, that sometimes it drives me crazy. I'm really "hurting" at this point, but I'm dealing with it. An example would be today, though, when I could not stop thinking about it for the life of me. Needless to say, I almost went down that path myself once or twice during my healing process, the "casual encounters" path, and I didn't allow either of them to get very far at all. Yet... sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have. Maybe it would've allowed me to... -- well, I was going to say maybe it would've allowed me to actually consider other people out there in the world for once (both mentally and physically), but I know that's just a rather silly thought. I know casual encounters won't satisfy me in the end.

 

Ugh...... I just know it's going to take me a few years to mend. I don't know about him.

 

I think it could take as long as you allow it to take, Onyx. I do believe that we are the ones who are mostly 'standing in our own way'. It's only when we feel we're truly ready to let go, that we will. Until then, we just attempt to go on with life the best we can whilst trying to believe it's actually the right thing to do...

[OnyxSnowfall]

Hi Nexus ...

 

Mostly right... a part from that my ex hasn't been drawn to another (that I'm aware of at least...). I think I would perhaps die if that were the case though. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I would declare him scum and move on much quicker........... lol. The latter is probably more true. I don't really know however.

 

Right now things feel surreal (thank you again red wine!)

 

It should be until January (that we reside together)... this week I intend upon visiting my Aunt in her beautiful boonies. I'm actually really thankful for the season at this point in time. The bright vivid Autumn has helped me find an occasional respite ...

 

We have a lease signed until June of next year, but that isn't going to work out......... he's planning on moving out into his old abode come January... I really don't know how it's going to go.........................

[OnyxSnowfall]

It's not shallow, Onyx, because I feel the same way when it comes to the sex department of things -- or shall I say, when it comes to being single, period. Not just with sex either, but with any type of close affection. But that's definitely a part of it. I have to admit, though, that sometimes it drives me crazy. I'm really "hurting" at this point, but I'm dealing with it. An example would be today, though, when I could not stop thinking about it for the life of me. Needless to say, I almost went down that path myself once or twice during my healing process, the "casual encounters" path, and I didn't allow either of them to get very far at all. Yet... sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have. Maybe it would've allowed me to... -- well, I was going to say maybe it would've allowed me to actually consider other people out there in the world for once (both mentally and physically), but I know that's just a rather silly thought. I know casual encounters won't satisfy me in the end.

 

Aw I'm so sorry... it's such an arduous place to be. It is certainly beyond the realm of sexuality... I suppose that is partly why casual encounters can end up being horribly dissatisfying, mm?

 

I may get the partial (initial) allure though --- "perhaps it could hasten the mending"... alas, the sexual aspect is not pleasurable (for me) unless there's a perceived genuine "connection". Grr lol.

 

I'm sorry you've been suffering though (I really hope it ceases for you soon).

 

I think it could take as long as you allow it to take, Onyx. I do believe that we are the ones who are mostly 'standing in our own way'. It's only when we feel we're truly ready to let go, that we will. Until then, we just attempt to go on with life the best we can whilst trying to believe it's actually the right thing to do...

 

You're probably right..........

 

Sometimes doing what seems to be the "wrong" thing can actually be the "right" one. Damn judgments not being reliable

 

I have admittedly predetermined it's going to take me eons before I can really be "free" and have "recovered" from all of this. Partly because it does seem like the "right" thing to do (what would it mean if I could just wave it all awhile so quickly?), and partly because I've predetermined that I'm not going to encounter someone I will feel I have truly connected with for eons as well (and that's just based in experience, which............. really shouldn't dictate that, all things considered... but it is whether I can allow it or not...........) and partly because I'm just so enraptured still.

 

Cursed hearts ...

[Nexus One]

If he's not drawn to another woman, then why is he pulling away from you?

[OnyxSnowfall]

If he's not drawn to another woman, then why is he pulling away from you?

 

Likely because I'm psychotic

 

No really... I've "borderline personality disorder" and it'd likely be cumbersome for anyone to endure me. I need an inhuman amount of reassurance... something extremely unreasonable or... at least, initially, a kind of *mutuality* that just cannot seem to (also) exist in the types of people I've been attracted to.

 

My ex, I think, having been a celibate was just........ expectantly inexperienced and clumsy... and that in conjunction with *his* own insecurities really just set mine aflame. I haven't "trusted" him for some time now - I'm sure it has worn on him. Our paths have also diverged as well... which didn't help matters... so many factors actually...... in the end, it's probably because I was unable to sustain being "pleased" with our life. Probably...

 

I may have better clarity after we've been truly separated for some time... presently, I'm still sifting through things while in a haze though...

[Nexus One]

Likely because I'm psychotic

 

No really... I've "borderline personality disorder" and it'd likely be cumbersome for anyone to endure me. I need an inhuman amount of reassurance... something extremely unreasonable or... at least, initially, a kind of *mutuality* that just cannot seem to (also) exist in the types of people I've been attracted to.

 

I don't know to which extent you have BPD, but are you getting some kind of help in regards to it?

[Els]

Oh hon, I can't really make sense of your OP either, but it's okay, alcohol tends to do that! Take good care of yourself, and we'll be here to listen to you and give you {{hugs}}.

 

Also, I second Nexus - have you sought help, if there isn't a very good reason for you to be unable to?

[OnyxSnowfall]

I don't know to which extent you have BPD, but are you getting some kind of help in regards to it?

 

It's been a few months since I've been in therapy (I'm going to start going again next month... I've recently began to see a counselor again though). My last therapist told me that I overwhelmed him heh. EMDR had no effect on me, nor other "hypnosis" type things, which he particularly specialized in... but I'm hoping this other therapist may be able to help...

 

Years and years ago I tried several different medications and they did not mesh with me... I became a lethargic zombie while on them (side for zoloft, which made me loonier LoL). I researched them inexorably at the time, and decided that they were evuhls (While I think medicine has since improved, I'm not sold on the idea still. Kudos to those that it does work for, however).

 

I've tried different relaxation techniques etc too, but........ heh. Also I exercise and eat healthy already, and have for years now (I was an anorexic and then bulimic mess in my teens, but I came out of that as being health conscious rather than image conscious so...).

 

I don't really know what more there is that I can do.

 

Besides being lonely (prior to this relationship), I was doing okay. It's like this entire thing has spilled out everything I've carefully stowed away into the dark chasms of my being... I don't really know how to handle feeling abandoned and unwanted heh... I never have though.

 

And I just don't have any outlets... things I was once passionate about are just..... meaningless..... nothing seems worthwhile... I get by 'cause I have to for my chitlin... I haven't studied at all this week... ugh... sorry...

 

Oh hon, I can't really make sense of your OP either, but it's okay, alcohol tends to do that! Take good care of yourself, and we'll be here to listen to you and give you {{hugs}}.

 

Also, I second Nexus - have you sought help, if there isn't a very good reason for you to be unable to?

 

Elswyth, thank you for your reply (And LoL, the OP is all over the place) - I do appreciate it much.

[Nexus One]

in the end, it's probably because I was unable to sustain being "pleased" with our life. Probably...

 

What weren't you pleased with if I may ask?

[OnyxSnowfall]

What weren't you pleased with if I may ask?

 

Mm in the end,

 

Myself...

 

However... essentially I was just unable to trust him. We gradually became squished into a tiny box together... I think he actually adapted within it far better than I heh, even though it was "for" me... stagnating causes too much tension inside of me... but peeking outside of our little box was even more stressful... so I've begrudgingly adhered within it - as having double-standards has rarely sat well with me...

 

It's all just been extremely conflicting. I've attempted fixating on only the positives.............. but other things leak out anyway...............

 

The chance for strong trust to develop between us was slaughtered early on. I realize it was likely due to his inexperience, but my feelings have never seemed to realize that...

 

(This isn't to advertise, but just briefly before joining LS... I posted my biased story of the issues on another forum --- http://www.womens-health.com/boards/relationships/37634-am-i-crazy.html).

 

I'm taking a long ass excerpt out of a reply I gave someone else there, as it's what really pertains to your question - I know it's dorky to, but what-evs , the thread is lengthy and I don't expect it all to be read:

 

"I don't want to go out with him anywhere anymore either... making life... not very enjoyable to be together. He used to "admire" women in front of me and share with me how sexually attractive they were and that got to me over-time too. ESPECIALLY because he would tell me how my legs could be longer, could be thinner, could be fatter --- or my bottom could be smaller (then I'd work out more and suddenly... my bottom could be bigger). I've wondered if he has just deliberately tried to eat away at my self-image... because I was confident when we met, men would and still approach me whenever we do go out together and maybe that's bothered him more than he's ever let me know... or maybe, I'm really just not his type and can never be.

 

Conversely to his efforts of pretty much walking on eggshells with me, mine have declined. He's even mostly stopped seeing his best friend, once every few months. Sometimes I feel like I'm the control freak because he's changed his behavior so much --- but I can't pinpoint why he has and don't feel secure. Like maybe he'll regress eventually, maybe it's just intentionally temporary, maybe it was wrong of me not to believe him that his relationships were platonic and or... maybe it just isn't worth trying to salvage all of this. Lol."

Edited November 17, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[OnyxSnowfall]

I loathe the fluctuations.

 

One moment I am alright with the "loss"... adhering to "what if my crazy ideas about him are and have been true" --- and then in the next moment, I'm doubting myself again and fixating on the positives of what we had.

 

Either way I am uninterested in deceiving myself,

 

but I have been........................ in some form or another... for at least some of the time.

 

I went to see a new therapist this morning. I divulged some of what my experiences had been like (to me) while growing up, and what some of my intimate relationships have been like (to me)......... and what my current issues are. The therapist informed me that she'd like a few more sessions with me to "assess" me before we begin to work on a treatment plan...

 

I did appreciate when she called me out on my "eloquent nonsense". She told me I was contradicting myself horrendously, and that I was rationalizing two opposing selves, and she asked me to take away the "pretty frosting"... so I grinned and told her that I really was unable to make sense of it myself. And she replied, "Yes, that actually makes more sense".

 

My "ex" and I also went to a counseling appointment together today (though we saw two different counselors and separately).

 

I asked him if he'd be interested in going a few days ago... told him that it was a free service that was offered where I have already been going (or rather, that it doesn't cost anything else for me to bring family members / "partners" in)......... and that perhaps he could benefit from it too. To *my* surprise he was open to it. We're going to start "couple counseling" as well, even though we're splitting up --- initially I thought it was just so that we could co-exist together until he moves out, and maybe to help us both feel out our own closures --- but he's been saying he wants to "try again" at some point in the future, heh.

 

"Several months" after we've been a part...

 

There are mounds of things that concern me with that idea. I don't think I'm capable of it. If I make it through this, I never want to open myself up again anyway. Heh.

Edited November 23, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Els]

Hey, OS. Hope you're feeling better.

 

"I don't want to go out with him anywhere anymore either... making life... not very enjoyable to be together. He used to "admire" women in front of me and share with me how sexually attractive they were and that got to me over-time too. ESPECIALLY because he would tell me how my legs could be longer, could be thinner, could be fatter --- or my bottom could be smaller (then I'd work out more and suddenly... my bottom could be bigger). I've wondered if he has just deliberately tried to eat away at my self-image... because I was confident when we met, men would and still approach me whenever we do go out together and maybe that's bothered him more than he's ever let me know... or maybe, I'm really just not his type and can never be.

 

Sorry to hear that. He really does sound like a jerk. There's never an excuse for saying things like that to an SO. It's like a woman telling her bf how she wishes he could be taller, or his penis longer, or his abs more muscular. Horrible.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Hey, OS. Hope you're feeling better.

 

 

 

Sorry to hear that. He really does sound like a jerk. There's never an excuse for saying things like that to an SO. It's like a woman telling her bf how she wishes he could be taller, or his penis longer, or his abs more muscular. Horrible.

 

Hi Elswyth.

 

It's something that has contributed to some of my insecurities

 

I'm feeling pretty numb at the moment, heh. Thank you for hoping though

[Els]

Oh, OS. You come across as a great girl on the boards, and I'm sure you'll find a guy who appreciates that someday.

 

I've noticed many accounts of men doing this on this place (women too, but men more), and I wonder why this type of jerkishness is so prevalent? I think in some cases the women are just being oversensitive, but in cases like yours the guy is really just being a clear-cut jerk.

[OnyxSnowfall]

(Aw Elswyth, thank you but I think I am really messed up )

 

_____________________________________________

 

Last night was a night of writhing, yay...

 

Today I am feeling anxious and vulnerable. And my stomach is aching tremendously.

 

I've been asked out on a few dates by different men and it really just makes me sick. The other night I went out drinking with my father, his girlfriend and her son (I brought my Russian History book to the bar, because they were watching fighting and football [neither of which interest me, but I was scolded to "get out" of the house and I figured wth?], and began with a glass of wine]). I stopped reading at around glass #2, and attempted to learn the rules of football and the point of the fighting games ---

 

Glass #3 happened at a different bar (I've never been to either......... bars are not my scene, though I have enjoyed dancing at some clubs)... and then a fellow that knew my father's girlfriend's son from years back (apparently) came and sat down and began talking to him. Then he asked me who I was. Someone ordered me another glass and I sipped on it, because I was already trashed at 2 (I'm a light-weight ) ... but I didn't need even those sips.

 

In any case, we talked about sushi and music. Then we played pool, and he owned me. I talked with his father who was there too, and afterwards his father patted him on the back and encouraged him to not let me "get away" --- well, it was all rather quite odd. I agreed to go out to dinner with him last Monday, then I cowardly stood him up LOL. I suck so bad... I don't want to go out with anyone though.... ugh.... I don't know why I agreed - I was heavily intoxicated and had no business doing so. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away at least, heh.

 

When we all left in a taxi, I ended up going to my father's house with them --- well, that was a bad mistake too.... because his girlfriend's son tried to sleep with me, and he wasn't accepting "no". I ended up driving home at 4am just to get away from him. And I felt like ****, because during it my boots and my pants were off before I realized I wasn't going to be able to talk sense into his drunken ass. It just sucked and I felt like I had "cheated", even though my relationship is "over" and on top of that, we didn't have sex --- still, wtf was I doing in that situation?

 

Then I met a man at barnes and nobles ---- and he wanted to go out with me as well. Stood him up too. God.

 

Then I gave my number out to some random stranger and he's been calling and texting and I haven't been responding.

 

Ugh. It would be so easy to rebound :rolleyes: but I know it'll only cause trouble. I feel stupid and fragile. I HAVE managed to straight up reject people (bah, there were several while I was at the bar), but I just suck anyway.

 

I miss sleeping next to him and curling around him or him curling around me. I am so tempted to go sneak into the closet and sleep with one of his shirts LOL. How pathetic is that? Gawd, his scent is amazing though... and I loved waking up next to him and stroking his hair and caressing his back... and listening to him breath, and all those other corny things.

 

I really just hate this. So ****ing what if other people want me --- I don't want them. Why do I want this man though?! Why is it so hard to let go. As much as I tried, as much as *he* tried, we just couldn't overcome our issues.

 

I don't deserve him anyway. I feel all kinds of tainted by the involvement I've had with people. I also took a few drags of a cigarette with my other exes mother (the grandma of my boys) --- she's going through all kinds of **** too.

 

I went out with her son and his dad and girlfriend (and her friends and family) two nights ago too LOL. I don't know what I'm doing. We went to a club and I ended up dancing like a whore on the stage there, and then another girl started grinding against me and we danced like harlots together for quite some time. I vaguely recall dancing with that ex too --- although we didn't make body contact and it wasn't on the silly stage. It was pretty nasty with that girl though

 

I don't know how to counter self-destruction. I seriously broke down and panicked last night. Today I just feel sick. I don't know how to really get through this. I'm not eating. I'm down to 107lbs. Whatever...

 

I don't understand why I fluctuate so much. Why one moment I can be "okay" and understand why this has to occur, and others I literally just want to die and don't see why it has to be this way at all.

 

I don't ****ing trust him! And right now I don't trust myself. I said I was never going out again after the earlier bar experiences, and then I just did. Wtf?

 

I'm afraid I'm going to do something extremely stupid --- and not want to the entire time. But just mechanically go through the actions. I only want him, gah.

Edited November 27, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[OnyxSnowfall]

We've been "intimate" since our relationship "dissolved" too ------ I think that may have contributed to my crazy fluctuations..... I managed to turn him down "once".... and that just increased the sexual tension. He's rejected me at times too though --- not always nonetheless......

 

But, I covet sharing physical affection with him. Damn it. It's for my own good, and probably his, if we do not engage in such ways.... and yet, he's going to be here until JANUARY........ and the places I've stayed haven't been beneficial to my frame of mind...... and it hurts when *he* leaves --- of course I don't deserve to know anything he does now. And he doesn't seem to care about what I do. And that hurts as well.

 

I've long confused my self-*worth* with him... I feel worthless, and no amount of acknowledgement nor attention from *others* can allay that. HIS has and could --- but it only temporarily assuages the problem. I have to find a way to rebuild myself............... it's just so ****ing hard, because I don't know *how* to. Hah.

Edited November 27, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[PelicanPete]

What is it about your self that you dislike so much? What are the real details about who you are that make you scared of being by yourself? I guess until you find the courage to try to answer these questions, you will always be looking for a way to ignore them.

[cerridwen]

"I don't know how to counter self-destruction."

 

That worries me.

Take it from someone who went on a part-time, short-lived bender after her last breakup, the alcohol should completely stop for now.

It's too dangerous when you're feeling this way.

It can lead to the sort of serious mistakes that end in you saying, "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse!"

If you lack the motivation to add things like exercise for coping, take away some avenues for self-harm.

Start with the alcohol.

 

Do you have a therapist on board?

Edited November 28, 2011 by cerridwen

[OnyxSnowfall]

"I don't know how to counter self-destruction."

 

That worries me.

Take it from someone who went on a part-time, short-lived bender after her last breakup, the alcohol should completely stop for now.

It's too dangerous when you're feeling this way.

It can lead to the sort of serious mistakes that end in you saying, "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse!"

If you lack the motivation to add things like exercise for coping, take away some avenues for self-harm.

Start with the alcohol.

 

Do you have a therapist on board?

 

You're right......

 

I skipped the wine last night... - it was really tempting though :( - silky sanguine Merlot. I'm staying away from it today as well... and hopefully for the rest of the month, and the next ... ah! I think I should just get rid of it. The holidays and being around others will make it more grueling to avoid too, but my situation *can* get worse (even though it doesn't seem like it can).

 

Sorry to hear about your bender, though I can really relate.

 

And I am seeing a therapist -- I meet with her again tomorrow. It'll only be our second meeting... we haven't began a treatment plan yet. I usually exercise, but I've been light-headed (likely from not eating), and have kind of just been staring into a void... except for a mini walk I went on, trying to appreciate the season... thanks for your response, by the way.

[OnyxSnowfall]

What is it about your self that you dislike so much? What are the real details about who you are that make you scared of being by yourself? I guess until you find the courage to try to answer these questions, you will always be looking for a way to ignore them.

 

I've spent a lot of my life in seclusion... I suppose a big part of me is just dreading being an apathetic creature again... growing back into the familiarity of solitude, heh. It's difficult for me to connect to others... so when it does happen, I go from a cold and objective boring thing into an emotionally unstable chaotic nightmare. There's too many highs and lows when I become attached to someone. It only occurs every so many years --- and when it does, I become engrossed in that one person and block out everyone else. Really unhealthy stuffs --- and I can't understand how it's not mutual, not when I finally perceived a connection. There's a lot of fallacy in my judgment, and in my ability to "rationalize" things.

 

I'm also, for better or worse, anticipating the hopeless and then the bitterness and then the gray drought... and I'm trying *not* to detach this time.

 

I'm used to detaching utterly and completely, having not even an inkling left of emotion. This man meant more to me than that, so I have to find a way to still "care" without letting it destroy *me*, but I'm failing anyway.

 

I have pillaged into the self-loathing I've been experiencing... not deep enough though. As far as I'm aware, I think what I'm most angry about is that I traded a lot of my "integrity" to sustain this failed relationship. Why would I do that anyway...

 

I guess that's what happens when one let's their immature bosom slumber ... it had been a few years since I had been interested in anyone when I met him. Ironically, those were the most productive years of my life so far

[cerridwen]

You're right......

 

I skipped the wine last night... - it was really tempting though :( - silky sanguine Merlot. I'm staying away from it today as well... and hopefully for the rest of the month, and the next ... ah! I think I should just get rid of it. The holidays and being around others will make it more grueling to avoid too, but my situation *can* get worse (even though it doesn't seem like it can).

 

Sorry to hear about your bender, though I can really relate.

 

And I am seeing a therapist -- I meet with her again tomorrow. It'll only be our second meeting... we haven't began a treatment plan yet. I usually exercise, but I've been light-headed (likely from not eating), and have kind of just been staring into a void... except for a mini walk I went on, trying to appreciate the season... thanks for your response, by the way.

 

Good girl.

Hugs, pup.

[OnyxSnowfall]

(Thank you cerridwen... )

 

My last session with the therapist went fairly well...

 

Her name is Barbie... she is of a short stature, a little bit over-weight, and has pepper and salt hair down to her shoulders... with jagged bangs that she kept constantly brushing out of her eyes.

 

She threatened to hunt down a pair of scissors and botch her bangs shorter while I was mid-sentence into explaining one of the experiences I had with being raped (one that I had no real desire to divulge in the first place).

 

I quite like her.

 

My tick for most of the session was that I kept nervously playing footsies with a large stuffed animal that had spilled out of a torn cardboard box next to the chair I was seated in....... it was full of them. They aroused my curiosity, I think I'm going to have to inquire about them soon - I am pretty certain she doesn't have any children as clients, but perhaps she was gathering toys for tots (Or they help some of her other clients ).

 

Our session concluded with an assignment: a "self-affirmation" practice. I am to hang up a list she wrote, in one of my bathrooms, and stare at my reflection and verbalize the items. I've been aware of this practice. It's probably a good time to make it a habit.......... self-deception

 

The mantra she assigned me is:

 

"I AM A POWERFUL WOMAN!"

 

"I AM A DECENT HUMAN BEING"

 

"I DESERVE THE BEST!"

 

"I LOVE MYSELF!"

 

It feels very awkward anyway. I'm a bit interested in the results... she warned me it could take several months --- but that eventually, one day, I will be nodding and thinking, "Yeah, that's right! Rawr!"

 

Other things I must digest... before incoherently ranting about. It'll be incoherent either way.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Activities...........

 

So I'm going to explore social activities...... I just discovered a Bohemian Art Loft that offers meditative and martial art services (Yoga, Qi Gong, and T’ai Chi). This loft also hosts music and theatrical events and holds art gallery exhibits.....

 

Would be timely to get involved with... and it's not too costly either.

 

I need to find something that's more vigorous to get involved in as well though... something more intense, to relieve tension and madness into --- I might pick up jogging and or biking again (it hasn't been too long since I've flaked out of them) but, maybe a sport would be good too. I don't knowww...

 

He crawled into bed with me the other night. It's so difficult trying to deal with this while we're "living" together still.