Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Mild rant. Ahhh I really feel like picking up a pack of cigarettes!!!! I can TASTE ONE... FEEL IT... I just want to inhale a cloud of poison while gazing up at the glittery sky and feeling the ice cold air nibble at my bare flesh. Mmmmmmm. And sip on a glass of wine, LOL (I've successfully been staying away from alcohol at least). I just returned from a fairly intense bike ride............... but it doesn't matter, I still have a lot of crazy energy. He's gone "somewhere" and will be coming back at "some point" and will probably be crawling into bed next to me But perhaps not.......... earlier this evening we discussed my desires to move on from this... He seemed upset... :lmao: it's really awfully perplexing. He reiterated multiple times that he's hopeful we'll work things out in the future... and I kept shutting him down. Heh... In any case, he MIGHT be able to move out within a week or two. I'm really hoping so. I picked up a release form for him from the landlord's office today........ he hasn't filled it out yet. I just want this to all be over with. I've come to a "stable" place of accepting this has to occur. I know I have to indefinitely let him go. Ugh, I already feel retarded for having allowed myself to help drag this on as long as I have. What the hell? Edited December 3, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I havent read your whole story just the last few posts and I hate to say this but this is where I was 2.5 years ago. In our case it was an amicable split and we knew long before it happened that it was going to happen. Its so hard and I know how much you want it to be over... I felt that to at the time. Now 2.5 years later i am desperately trying to save our marriage... I think its a lost cause. If we had not done the separation thing I think we might have worked things out... But we did separate and I jumped into a rebound.. and ruined any chance of us ever making amends... I hope this is really what you want and if you do want to make it work be sure to give it your damn best shot! I know i didn't... its a regret I will always have. In the moment the decision is made but later when you have a chance to reflect.... it isn't always as it seems... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Hi Lis --- so sorry to hear about your situation. It hurts. I hope you're both able to figure things out... and if not, then I hope you find strength to move on. "In the moment the decision is made but later when you have a chance to reflect.... it isn't always as it seems..." --- is very true. As for my situation... I didn't want him to move out, but he's determined to. I've just come to accept it... and am not going to be waiting around for him, even in the event that he's being truthful and does want to "work things out" sometime in the distant future... our relationship didn't develop trust --- we essentially had no foundation, and are both likely co-dependent. I know I have to be especially strong now because.......... every single time before when I've begun to pull away he has chased me wildly. Already he seems to be trying to reel me in again... partly it's because I think he really just likes me when I'm not affected by my madness and trust issues part of it is because I know he's also emotionally immature and just doesn't want *me* to lose my feelings for him. Especially to someone else. I am pretty sure he fears that I'll be happy without him..... as he's already stated multiple times in the past that such a thing would apparently eat away at him. I at least do want him to be happy, anyway........... he deserves it. Even if it's with someone else --- gah, I just want it done and over with already though. Life is too brief to be fixating on these things. I'm sorry I've wallowed in this for as many years as I already have. And I just want this to close now... I've had my pathetic fits and tantrums already --- most of them by myself, of course....... but there were a couple of really humiliating incidents in front of him too "I don't know how to live without you!" Haha... yeah... time to learn... ugh. It is hard to let go... Edited December 3, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Hahaha. So I broke down this morning. How is it really possible to go from being determined and confident to a fragile and utter mess? He came in way past mid-night (technically earlier this morning)...... I had left his pillow downstairs and had shut the bedroom door. He was apparently at his "nonreciprocating" "old" love's house... supposedly just mingling with her husband... This morning I woke up... even kind of bouncy (thinking about the class I'm going to at 1pm)... and came downstairs ready to go outside and exercise. Well, he had a lot of our memorabilia spilled out on the floor by the couch. Some were crumpled up, others were not. I tried to ignore it all... but it threw me off. I walked into the kitchen and began making a pot of coffee. I tried to stay in there... to focus on the growling pot and the lovely aroma that was wafting through the air... but I was just unable to. I peeked out into the living room and just stared at the mess of our memories and longings, strewn along the carpet... and him sleeping sadly near it all... Ugh, I decided to read some... so I crawled over... and it really just upset me. Gah. I attempted to be callous. I wanted so very much to be... I then cruelly disturbed his slumber and told him he could go upstairs 'cause I'm not using our bed anymore. Then I started to crack and asked him if he wanted all the letters, cards, trinkets and other messages (one was in a glass) ... because if he left it with me, I intended to throw it all away. He said, "it's all yours to do as you please with"... then he went upstairs. Gawd, I know I'm a mess... I gathered it all up and was about to rip what would rip and break what would break, but I just collapsed on the floor and broke down... instead... When is this going to be over anyway............. Edited December 3, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
runner Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Gawd, I know I'm a mess... I gathered it all up and was about to rip what would rip and break what would break, but I just collapsed on the floor and broke down... instead... When is this going to be over anyway............. sorry about what you're going through. i know the feeling all too well unfortunately. ...perhaps you can spend some nights of the week at a girlfriends place until he leaves ? you know- like a teenage sleepover ...thought it might at least make the process easier for you to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Well he just moved a lot of his stuff out today and is staying somewhere else indefinitely now ( I believe ). (but thank you for your suggestion runner). It ****ing hurts all over again. I couldn't even breath. I don't know how I can keep going through all of these horrible break downs. How I'm even still here. I guess it really "begins" now.... We slept together yesterday... I know... but I care so much for him still........ obviously not in the right ways................ I have so much to sort through......... I'm just so sorry anyone is capable of feeling so much emotional and psychological pain, wtf. Link to post Share on other sites
runner Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 i don't know if you've ever mentioned counselling previously, or if you're already seeing a therapist, but is some sort of grief counselling an option for you ? ...something to consider at least for the short-term. i know it's helped me in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 i don't know if you've ever mentioned counselling previously, or if you're already seeing a therapist, but is some sort of grief counselling an option for you ? ...something to consider at least for the short-term. i know it's helped me in the past. Yes, I'm seeing a counselor and a therapist. So far I haven't been able to derive anything beneficial from either (I have been practicing self-affirmations... recommended by my therapist, but they have yet to have any kind of effect). I just don't want to be here right now... in what was "our" place. I don't want to be around anyone else either though. Or anywhere actually. I just don't want to BE. It just feels like too much. Really, **** this life. It's been screwed since I was 3 or 4 anyway. What is the ****ing point of it all? While that's a rhetorical question....... I really, really, really, don't get it........... Link to post Share on other sites
runner Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 that feeling of being overwhelmed with it all, that's tough. get out there, mix it up and keep busy...obviously you can do all those things and it still won't fix your hurt, but you will be putting your time and energy into something else, and keeping your mind away from the hurt. as it is with the old cliche, time heals.... also- if you don't feel like it's doing you any good, perhaps you're paired up with the wrong therapist. doesn't hurt to meet a handful of new people and see which one you click with the best. and perhaps individual counselling isn't even for you in the first place; you might actually find group sessions to be more beneficial. don't give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) Thanks runner. I think I will actually look into a group session of sorts (a different therapist I had seen gave me a number to such a thing months and months ago, but I never called...... I still have the number somewhere... and I'll ask my current therapist if she knows about any other resources I could attempt to feel out). ____________________________________________________ Hmm... my eyes sting so much Ugh, I literally can't bemoan this anymore... physically... not right now... everything just... ahh. I talked with my sister though... we're likely going out somewhere tomorrow... a lot of my family has been crazy supportive nonetheless....... I really hope "he" finds support with his, too. He wanted to just wall himself up in his little abode when it became available again, but perhaps doing things this way... before he has that in place, will allow him to receive, or at least KNOW, he can indeed receive help from others. He used to disturb me with some of the things he'd say would happen to him... back wheeeeen, he was in "gotta reel her in again" mode Heh, even just recently as well though.......... he alluded that no one really cares about him....... not "enough" to "help" him......... they actually do though..... probably would be good for him to see it, even though other things are falling a part................. perhaps that is just what it takes...... I really do hope he'll be okay. He cried today, too. This just ****ing sucks. I find myself really regretting that I wasn't open to working things out "later". But maybe it's the moment talking. Maybe it's the crazy desperation, the ANYTHING to get this to STOP. I don't know --- it WOULD all just go away if he came back and wrapped around me............. until our issues slowly resurfaced. Until my nuttiness was wound up again... yeah... our separation has to occur............... but I *loathe* that it even "has" to. I'm not ready to attempt to put things in place yet. Still on a venting tirade... Edited December 6, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Just focusing on the negative aspects of our relationship always feels wrong to me. There were both good and bad aspects... and I would have endured for the good ones ... despite the bad ones. But perhaps that has just been extremely selfish and wrong of me... since I could never truly *accept* most of the bad ones... since I couldn't ever truly tolerate them well. I don't think a mutually long-term monogamous relationship can exist in this world. I feel like a ****ing freak. It's what I've longed for... but it's an ideal, it isn't realistic. I am going to work towards settling back into tranquil loneliness now. Always a part, always disconnected... I never want to give myself away like this again. It can't be reciprocated...... really. Beyond that, my little bosom is now "tainted" or rather... no longer "innocent" hah. I may see him friday. Perhaps. I'm not going to expect to. I am about to go exercise, but if that doesn't help, I am going to purchase a pack of cigarettes. I don't care. I need to study and I can't compose myself. I did say I wouldn't resort to poison sticks this time around, but **** it, I obviously just need to stay away from trying to make resolves and claims right now. Maybe sweating and getting my heart racing will suffice. Don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) Well... exercising helped (temporarily only of course). I didn't purchase the smokes. My grandmother stopped by and picked my little one up about an hour ago... I'm putting some more things that he left behind in boxes......... I'm going to get a new dining room table and chairs as well...... and put his set in the garage for him to pick up later. I took his faux Christmas tree down and am going to replace it with a real one (the boys' grandpa is going to bring one down from his property up north )... I set it with the rest of his stuff in an area in the garage that is still accumulating. I don't know. There's a lot more room here now. I can set up a paint studio in the garage finally... and, my closet has way too much room that people have offered to fill up for Christmas --- Somehow I have to find a way to repay everyone for their help and for Christmas. My family is going to take care of the chitlin's Christmas (they are getting them so much it's crazy... some practical things and of course some indulgent and fun things too). I've been looking for a wii for them (I was going to get them a bunk bed but that's already been taken care of). I'm definitely going to bake and make all kinds of junk food goods and give out treat platters. But still... I am currently sliding back and forth from apathy to relief... I've been listening to this song over and over: I'm considering dying my hair darker again. Probably will I'm not going to chop it off as I usually do when a relationship ends --- but something's got to give :mad: Edited December 7, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Last night I started getting a ton of anxiety. I went for a quick jog but it didn't help. So I did it, whatever, I broke down and purchased a pack of cigarettes. And I STILL DIDN'T STUDY. I went to sleep after I had a few drags while listening to rawr music. I'm leaving to Oregon this morning......... going out to some little breakfast diner around Ashland or something of the sorts, then going to Medford... ugh. I'm starting coffee and may or may not indulge in a few drags. **** it. I can quit cigarettes way easier than I can him (even though it certainly is difficult to quit them... I actually *know* I am capable of it, having quit them years ago). *If* he even still truly cared, he would be disgusted with me. But, eh, I doubt he does. Neither of us have attempted to contact the other since he left with most of his belongings. Usually one of us has freaked whenever a "separation" has occurred ... this one is different ... I want to ask how he's doing, be informed that he's okay or good, and that's about it. I don't want to tell him anything. It hurts too much. Edited December 8, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnyxSnowfall Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) I am still hurting... but I don't have a longing for him. I thought about him being with one of his managers (who I'm pretty sure he's been attracted to), and I didn't even twinge. And I'm pretty sure he's been enjoying his new founded "freedom", regardless of what he's claimed ... and I'm alright with that now. Ugh, I do have so much going for me, and that's what I've been focusing on and must continue to focus on. If he can find someone better suited for him then that's good --- I hope I can find someone better suited for me someday too and who I AM better suited for (obviously after I work myself out more .. I'm honestly terrified of sharing myself so deeply again... petrified of it, actually -- I am currently incapable of it). I think the hurt is mostly superficial at this point. The ego hurt is pretty much near death at least. The rest is........ learning to live without "him" now. I slept better last night. It's still strange sleeping alone, but I think I'll manage I darkened my hair to its "natural" color (Medium Ash Brown). I have been smoking a lot more bleh...... but exercising a lot more too, and I even ate some of the breakfast I made for my chitlin today, lol. The father of my children came over the other night. I almost thought it was "him"... I was surprised when it wasn't LoL. But I let him in and we chatted --- he wanted to drink with me but I declined . After a couple of hours of just talking I sent him away haha. He asked to come up into my bed - whatevs, I told him he was crazy. Also, my place is coming along. The upstairs is a wreck, but it's getting there. Now I just have to get past next weeks finals. The college isn't offering the certificate I wanted to pursue next semester, so I will have to find something else to sign up for. I'm thinking about just straight-up landscaping........ mixed in with lovely science classes....... I'd like to take another history course too..... just because it's fascinating. Hmm. Acceptance... Edited December 11, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 His being out of the house should help, Onyx. Darken your hair again, set up that studio, paint a wall orange, do what you must to keep the momentum of change going. Best and hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
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