Engaged but is the grass greener?

[bmf]

I am engaged to be married in a few months. I care for my fiance and feel like I do love her...but I spent the weekend heavily flirting with a friend of my sister this weekend and have asked a friend to set me up with an attractive woman that is interested in me.

 

My fiance is older than me and has been much more interested in marriage and starting a family than I have been. I have broken up with her several times but she always makes the first move and most of the effort to reconcile. I proposed to her because she deserves it...she put in 4 years with me. Plus, I'm tired of looking for someone better than her. But now I am looking again...

 

Is this just pre-wedding jitters or is the grass greener out there?

[Ashleym]

It sounds to me like your fiance really cares for you. Don't marry her just because she deserves to get married to you because she has put up with you for this long. Make sure it's what you really want to do. Don't do it because she wants to and you want to do what is right. It will never work that way. Then again you may just be wanting to get your last little fling over with before you marry. I did something similar before I got married the first time. I saw an old boy friend and decided to meet with. Before it was all said and done I felt guilty and never met with him again. All we done was kiss and I never told my husband about it because I knew that it would hurt him.

[moimeme]

and feel like I do love her

 

I am firmly of the opinion that the feeling one should have about getting married is that you absolutely want it and can think of no better way to spend the rest of your life. I am also firmly of the opinion that 'I feel I do love her' is a couple hundred thousand miles from 'I will love you always'.

 

You should maybe reconsider this marriage.

[average guy]

I agree with moimeme, I do not think that your behaviour is normal for a person who wants to get married. Maybe you can postpone it and reconsider, or see a therpist to evaluate your feelings/options, but I would not go ahead with it based on what you have told us. You would probably regret it later and hurt her much more if it didn't work out than if you didn't get married in the first place.

[mysunshine]

bmf

 

Before you make the decision to be an adulterer (which is what you will eventually become after you get married), you owe it to YOURSELF and to your fiance' to re-evaluate YOUR feelings. Put yourself in HER shoes and look at what you are doing and feeling from inside HER heart and HER mind. You must really love her if you are willing to sacrifice your freedom to make her happy and give her what you feel she deserves.

 

But

 

If you are not 150% absolutely SURE that you want to wake up to HER everyday, for the rest of your life, and go to sleep to HER for the rest of your life, and build a life with HER forever (HER and ONLY HER)... and to DEVOTE your time and attention and love and respect to HER forever.... and if you REALLY love her you will NOT marry her.

 

What she actually deserves, is a mate who will love her and respect her and be TRUE TO HER and not even feel that there is ANY grass greener than she. Yeah there is other grass, but it would not have the same luster, the same depth or consistency, so it would not compare by any means and would never be considered.

 

We (women) are reared with the fantasy of some-day living happily as someone's wife, Mrs. somebody... and we search our entire lives for that someone. If she has maintained a relationship with you, which seems to be an unhealthy relationship (the constant break-ups), maybe SHE needs the counseling. She may have self-esteem issues and may feel like you are the best that she can get. You think that you are the one settling for a marriage with her, but she may be the one settling for you. Just think about it. If you have been breaking up with her, repeatedly, than there is SOME REASON or REASONS why you do not want to be with her.

 

Those reasons are not going to change with marriage. If you have an ulcer, you can take Pepto-Bismol which will COAT, SOOTHE and RELIEVE... but the fact is, there will still be a hole in your stomach.

[befuddled11]

Dude,

 

You need to be man enough here to break off this engagement because it's more than clear that you're not ready to make the serious and lifelong commitment of marriage.

 

God, you don't propose to someone because you feel you "owe it to them", because they "put in 4 yrs with you." Yuck. That sounds so wrong and almost cold. You propose to someone because you love them more than anyone in the world..and you can't imagine your life without them...and you want to grow old with them, and you see yourself sharing everything with them, forever....because they're your best friend. You don't do it because you feel obligated.

 

My God, you've taken steps to have someone hook you up with some other chick. You don't see how wrong that is? Be a man and break things off with your fiance. She has every right to invest her heart and time and years with someone who will make a sincere commitment to her......who will be FAITHFUL to her, who will not spend the weekend flirting it up with other women. Let her go so that she can find the man she deserves, who *really* loves her....in the truest sense of the word (not your version of loving her).

[reservoirdog1]

There is nothing in the world wrong with breaking up with somebody because you're not in love with them and don't want to lead them on. Yes, it's painful, for both of you. Yes, you'll feel guilty for causing her pain. But if you're not ready to marry her and don't want to be with her, then you will have done nothing morally wrong by breaking up with her.

 

But, DON'T do what my TBXW did. When we married, I was deeply in love with her. She had huge doubts but kept them totally secret for seven years, and cheated on me many times. The marriage is ending.

 

You have absolutely no control over how you feel. But you have complete control over your actions. You clearly don't want to be married to her if you're trying to hook up with other women. Do the honourable thing and break off your engagement now. You will definitely sleep better at night having done the right thing, hard though it will be to do.