I'm a screw up. The only way to cope is to end it all...

[Philosoraptor]

I am, I loved her but I messed everything up. I was depressed and assumed she didn't love me for who I was so I kept making changes as I thought it would make her happy. Things ended finally after a lot of on and off and I went out and did whatever I could to try and forget about her. I went the anger route and even ended up being intimate (not sex) with someone else while we were apart. She then messaged me about our property. We talked and though she wasn't sure about things, she didn't dismiss any chance of us making it work out as I was able to give her emotionally what she needed from me. I begged her and she said that maybe one day it might work. We talked about where we had been and I mentioned being with someone else while we were apart and it changed her view totally of how I regard intimacy and due to that she says that she could never feel comfortable with me again and that there would be no chance things could work out.

 

She went back to the person she was with other times when things ended between us and says that the pressures and issues of the relationship that we had aren't there with him and that she thinks they might be more compatible. It kills me inside to know that everything we had is gone.

 

She still wants to be friends one day but that is all. Meanwhile I am stuck in a house full of memories while though she might not have an ideal living situation, she at least can escape some. All I see every day when I am home is everything that was and everything that never will be. She still wants to see our shared pets and have weekly visitation rights and is unwilling to sign the house over to me unless this condition is met.

 

I've wanted nothing more than to kill myself and sometimes I get much closer than others. I'd like to be friends with her one day, but all I can think about is her and her new man and the fact that everything special we shared together is gone and will be shared with someone else. I just want to take the easy way out so badly, but I don't want to hurt anyone else. If no one else cared at all I'd do it, if I wasn't scared of an afterlife I'd do it. But I know I can't but have no idea how to start healing.

 

Help... anyone.... please?

[solobeary]

I don't know what to say, but I just wanted to write any comment rather than just being a "view" count. Don't kill yourself. Breaking up is so incredibly hard, and I understand why you would be thinking what you're thinking. Ride the $hit for now and just hang on. You can't make a decisions so big when you are in the emotional state of the aftershock of a breakup.

[betterdeal]

First thing, don't do it. I was in a similar position to you last May and did try to kill myself. Thankfully I was a bad aim. I spent 3 weeks on a mental health ward after that.

 

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You will hurt people if you do it, and that includes yourself.

 

Get out of the house for a bit. Explain to work you are going through a hard patch at home and you need to take some time off. A week away with friends, family, or even just going somewhere in the country will give you a break. Get someone else to look after the pets.

 

Eat well and sleep well. Add a multivitamin to your diet, eat lots of good food, and see your doctor if you cannot sleep well about sleeping tablets. It will do you the world of good. You are a good guy. This time will pass and you will feel better.

 

If you feel suicidal urges, call someone. Family, friends, or a helpline. You will get through this.

 

As for the memorabilia in the house, get some boxes and pack it all up. Put it out of sight. If the house is still getting you down, make solid plans to move. Tell your ex you need time and space away from her right now so no visiting for the pets right now. You can arrange that later.

 

You're going to be okay.

[fallenheart]

Me too man.

 

I'm not normally a suicidal person. I don't want to die...EVER. Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night for fear of death.

 

But last week I lost my girlfriend of 2 years and this pain is so incredibly indescribably BIG. It just consumes EVERYTHING. Eating, walking, sleeping, BREATHING.....all of it is just completely overshadowed by this non-stop PAIN that screams in my head "She's gone she's gone she's gone and she's never coming back and she's happier without you and she's gone she's gone she's gone!!"

 

And I want to yell "Shut the **** up!" but it never stops.

 

And the pain never ever ceases...no pill, no drink, no nothing that's gonna stop it!

 

And so the only logical conclusion is KILL MYSELF. Just end everything, I don't give two ****s about anything anymore, just please do whatever it takes to make this horrible pain STOP!!!!!

 

I think it's natural to THINK it. But for the love of all that's holy, don't ACT on it. It's not gonna solve a damn thing except make so many many more people's lives HORRIBLE. My ex-girlfriend screwed me up really bad....but killing myself would RUIN and DESTROY the lives of my family and friends, and really damage the lives of everyone that knows me. What a waste.

 

Please don't kill yourself. It won't make it better.

 

As for the pain...well...I am still dealing with it myself so I can't give any promises about how it's gonna go away. But just look at this board...we are all going through this, and we are all trying to get to the other side...together. That makes me feel just a little better...I hope it helps you too.

[ksmit]

I just want to take the easy way out so badly, but I don't want to hurt anyone else. If no one else cared at all I'd do it, if I wasn't scared of an afterlife I'd do it. But I know I can't but have no idea how to start healing.

I've wanted to take the easy way out many times but have been too pussy to actually do it. Therefore, I realize I'm going to be in it for the long haul so mine as well make the best of it. I give you a lot of credit though if you can actually pull it off. I often fantasize that some natural disaster will wipe me out quickly and painlessly. The whole hanging self, cutting, etc just grosses me out.

 

If you broke up only last week, then it makes sense you feel the way you do. It's too soon. Everything heals with time and if you just stick it out, you will eventually get your life back. There are TONS of people who feel like you do now and perhaps you should get professional help. I'm sure there are medications that might work wonders for you until you get back on your feet.

 

Wish you the best of luck.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm actually seeing my counselor and taking medication, just have had a hard time. It seems that since I have opened up some about how I'm feeling that everyone around me is trying to help me. People at work that I never talked to are just talking with me for long periods, and giving me good solid advice. As much as it may hurt now I'm worth more than this. We both are good people, the relationship just wasn't and I can see that. As much as I wanted to hope things could be better, and try... we just lacked trust that we could get what we needed from the other person. Though I will miss what we had at one point, I know that it just wasn't meant to be or else we could have fixed it years ago. I'll try to focus on myself and take things a day at a time. I can keep busy as I know I can be happy without her. Thoughts will come and go, but they are not worth ending my own life at 24. I'm still young, I've been in one relationship that I wanted to last forever. The world is out there and I just need to make the effort to go out and take it.

[betterdeal]

That's good to hear. It's amazing how helpful people can be if you let them know you need help, isn't it? Be kind to yourself and you will get through this.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I am going to be frank philosoraptor.. if this person is so dear to you that you feel you need to respond to her absence by taking your own life.. then this pretty much reflects on how this relationship was never a healthy compatible item in the first place...

 

no one should make you feel that this is a right avenue in life you HEAR ME NO ONE!!!! even if they are the most gorgeous intelligent madden with values competing with mother Tersa ... no one should make you think that wasting your life because of a lover is a appropriate course of action..

 

while I may not be 100% right.. ( well from my experience of wanting to commit suicide.. yea .. I have..) it sounds like they didn't respond to your affection in a way you would have liked, which may have lead to a sense of inadequacy a sense that you were not "good enough" to receive that love.. when really its probably because she doesn't know what the hell she wants or "needs" out of a relationship ( she seemed quick to dismiss you when you tried to move on only to , what it sounds like , end up with another guy pretty quickly... mhh detect abit of double standard on her part) I mean your 24 so she's obviously still young, so what she probably wants right now is not exactly realistic..

 

I know this sounds harsh but trust me, you should never want someone this bad, or even aggrandize a person to being the be all end all of your life, as they will be incontrol of every aspect of your life down to the last particle, and blindsiding you to believe nothing beyond their presence is worth anything at all.. not only does this narrow your vision to what is important in life, but its dangerous..

 

I may not be completely on the money being someone who has attempted suicide twice... ( yea I've kept it kind of secret.. not proud of myself) but obviously our mindsets were probably maintaining the same area of thought, (I've come close too even had some one intervene at the right moment.. now I look back on it glad they did...) kind of like offering yourself in tribute for something you've put up on a pedastool but really isnt worth the price at all.. she probably had insecurities too and at the end of the day high tailed and ran because that was probably the easiest way to deal with the relationship problems.. tell me do you think someone that weak-minded is worth dying for??? ...

 

when you take time to think about it, that person you give such adoration for.. really isnt that great.. think about what she did wrong in order for this relationship to fail.. I know when I did I realised that while I did do a few things wrong, really the reason the relationship failed was because of her selfish ego-centricity, her cowardice to either scapegoat the blame to me or just to plainly ignore me when things got tough or never explaining herself.. it might not be like that with you, but trust me, from the sounds of it, she could have purposely removed herself from getting too intimate to keep you head over heels ( which is probably why you chosen this avenue) is that really love? .... may not be the complete circumstances.. but take a step back.. is she really that pristine a model of a idyllic women to be with if she left you feeling like this, which sounds like regret more than fondness... she must have had a lot of flaws too... ( hell want good advice? use this site to explore those flaws and establish them. turn that depression to anger... and vent on a journal if you have too... trust me once you've accepting why it failed, and that it was not all my fault it was alot easier easier to move on.. I still felt let down as there were elements that were special but really it was mainly her weakness of her character that destroyed any possible engagement.. and not because I couldnt offer what she wanted.. ( hell our ex's heads are so far up their asses they probably cant appreciate what we've done for them in the first place... again may not be the case with you .. but still)

 

I even tried dating to paper the crack of how she was not that into me, but even told her why I ended those brief engagements because how I was so in love with her ( again this was just after we broke up previously and then "reconciled" which sounds like you did the same thing.. but your ex decided to use this to vilify you so she could do this mental gymnastic and find a good reason to leave you ... again. is that a person you want to be with...?)

 

if its not taking place when you guys are officially in item and you guys have just previously broken up it doesn't count as cheating, and you where honest that really you dated to try and move on, not out of lust for someone else... but ended it because you still loved her.... in which all honestly should have given her perspective on how much she meant to you... if she cant see how genuine your love is then.. mate she's retarded and deserves all the flashes in the pan she can couple with... nice little lessons for her if you ask me...

 

 

all of these extreme feelings are just emotional outburst in lieu of coming to terms with our loss, as she was such a big part of your life and that sacrosanct way of living that her departure has distrupted that lifestyle somewhat... I am not sure how long u guys have been apart but it sounds like to take a step back from the whole infatuation and reflect on why the relationship failed and that it probably wasn't your fault at ALL!!!! once you've accepted the relationship is over you can then work on moving on......

 

trust me mate I know how it feels, life does get better, it just your view atm is very now because of how her presence had such a hold on you.. your probably a better person than you realise, ( your honesty with her already tells me enough) and when you look at it, she had a part to play but was too much of a idiot to step up to the task.. already telling me you deserve so much better..

 

I am sorry if I didnt help and if I got abit OTT, but really I honestly know how you feel right now.. been there done that.. almost got the t-shirt..!! ( so to speak..) .. and tbh with you I am glad I didnt take the full step.....

I'm coming to terms with this now as now her grip is loosening I can concentrate on me a lot more.. and feeling good about me. and what I can do.. ( learning a new language getting some writing down.. ect ect) .. trust me when you think about it she probably wasnt as great as you thought..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

*bleh wont let me edit, but instead of now two sentences up it should be "narrow..".. but anyway...

 

I know it's hard, but seriously in time you will feel the same way too.. right now just need perspective and to come to terms with why, ( which this site really helps out with.. trust me..) and believe me when you get some clear perspective/advice on this.... you'll be surprised with the abject aspects of the relationship on her part that your not looking at.....

Edited November 16, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[Philosoraptor]

TheJiltedGeneration, thank you for the long response. I'd agree that there were things on both of our ends that we did wrong and the lack of trust in one another for a variety of reasons really built something that couldn't be passed. There were different needs for the both of us and I can see a lot of my mental chaos was more seeing her moving on without me than it really was wanting her back. Right now I just want her out of my life so I can get on. I was doing well for weeks and I was messaged and it put me back. I have since changed my email addresses, deleted facebook, and will change my number so it does not happen again. I missed her in a lot of ways, but I was happy and not feeling pressure as I did throughout the relationship. I freaked out because I saw that everything that she wanted I felt it was easy to give to this new person and it made me feel like I could give it to her. But I can't trust her reaction and she can't trust mine either, just too broken and simply was incompatible from the beginning. I'm glad she didn't want to try again, before we tried and shortly into trying it was obvious that the hurdles were too high.. just didn't want to give up what we had.

 

The pain comes a lot from my own ego. Knowing that someone else can make her happier and all of the things that she shared with me will soon be shared with another. But I can see where that comes from and accept that her and I just were not meant to be. She will find happiness, as will I. I've actually found a lot of it and actually felt guilty for it instead of embracing it like I was. Life was exciting again and even though there were down times, I still had a lot of fun and made new connections. And that is something I just didn't feel comfortable doing in the relationship. I have work to do, but I know I will be happier doing so.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

you will man you will.. hell I aint out of the woods but I can tell you now I feel a lot better than what I did 2-3months ago ( only thing I regret now is actually having met the damn b****) ... it just takes time.. we all have our different times spans of what constitutes as "overall healing time" but you'll get there, at the moment it sounds like you have to work on yourself and learn to love you for you and find a way to be independent ( you'd be surprised what the spare time away from her can yield)

 

don't feel guilty enjoying your life or even dating new people even if she makes it out to be at her expense, because she's most certainly not thinking how her "happiness" is affecting you.. and it really wasn't fair that she shift the blame onto you when she briskly move on to another person also....

 

it will take time.. but it will happen....

[betterdeal]

You're in my thoughts, my brother from another mother.

[Sugarkane]

I can relate. I felt the same straight after my breakup too. Hell I even took some knife blades from work, just in case. I really did. I think the only thing that stopped me was that I'm an atheist. And also I knew that my ex wouldn't know or even care. And that the as*hole would still continue living, while I didn't. And that he'd probably really get off on it, I'm certain. Also that like you I'm also 24 and there's so many things that I haven't done. I feel like I really haven't lived yet. So why should you take your own life for them?

[davesterr]

i think calling it the ''easy way out'' is a completely bull**** misunderstanding.

see , anyone can ''want'' to commit suicide.

yeah thats an easy feeling and solution to think of.

but actually killing urself.

now that takes some real guts.

its not as easy as simply wanting it.

its a comitment.

its the most scary thing to do of all.

thats why its called committing suicide. and not just wanting suicide.

 

i dont know anything about you.

i dont know how strong u are , what ur futher goals are in life if u have any.

whether u want to make new ones and find a reason to live for.

or whether u rather just sit at home crying thinking and living in the past and looking at the future that doesn't include ur ex while neglecting the now and urself.

 

however i do know 1 thing.

if u have the guts enough to actually kill urself.

not just wanting it or cry out for attention , no i mean seriously kill urself.

then u have the guts and are strong enough to actually change ur life around and make it for the better.

 

im not gonna tell you what to do.

only you know what you really want in life.

maybe right now you dont know it yourself because depression makes things hard to see.

it clouds your vision.

but if you ever do get out of the depression then you will know what you want in life.

whether that is to die or to live a great life , only you can find out.

 

but if ur the type of person who just wants to die.

when ur the type of person who just cries and blames whatever for what happened.

when u can't give any effort to make a change and simply stay stuck in the past feeling helpless and sad.

then ur gonna be in for a long long tormented life my friend.

believe me that this is not where you want to be.

because unless you do something , nothings gonna change.

 

my best advice is to take small steps in getting urself back together.

no one can think clearly when there depressed.

if ur serious about suicide then wait a year.

its not going anywhere.

in the meantime get out of ur depression by taking care of urself and forcing urself to live better.

nothings gonna change when u just sit around being torn.

this is gonna take hard effort and no one is going to help u.

but that doesn't mean its impossible.

just start doing ur best and try to live for some smaller goals that make u happy.

even if its as small as seeing a new movie thats coming out or something else that you enjoy.

find a reason to get out of bed and to take care of your looks.

and once u get into a healthy routine after doing small steps thats when u can start making bigger steps towards something else.

and im telling u , by next year once u get out of ur depression , u might feel a whole lot different than u do right now.

 

just dont make any inpulse decissions.

get out of this depression before u make any decissions at all and in the meantime follow other ls advice on how to start feeling better.

i know this isn't a nice post but its time you pick urself off the ground and regain urself as a man.

start standing up and start moving forward.

becuz no one is going to do it for u and anything is better than being where u are right now , rock bottom stuck in the past with no will to go anywhere.

[Philosoraptor]

I had a bad couple of days and I am over it now. It's not that she was a bad person, or that I was a bad person, we just gave and wanted different things. I became a complete pushover and she got so used to me giving in whenever she did not get her way. I stopped taking care of myself and started only trying to meet her needs while being starved myself. Even when things ended many times before I was the pushover who took care of her still while she was moving on, yet she considers herself the pushover for coming back. At the end of this I believe she still thinks I am willing to give in to her wants even though they would be disruptive to my own healing process. I've decided to take control of my life and write out the terms of a separation agreement letting her know what will happen.

 

If she decides that she is unwilling to agree to the terms which will allow me to move on I am prepared to walk away from the property. She has never paid the bills and did not work during a good part of the relationship. I fully supported her for more than 3 years (even when we were apart but living together) and put her name on the loan and deed (against my better judgement) as a good faith display for our future together. Though I have damn near perfect credit and would never want to forgo an agreement, I have a house that is 30k+ underwater and she gets to walk away from the debt but still wants to be able to visit the home after she leaves to visit animals. If she is unwilling to come to the agreement that any animals left at the residence are my property and she relinquishes all rights to them, then the house will have to be abandoned and she will have no rights to the animals once they are not on a co-owned property. Walking away would be a very smart financial decision at the moment, and though it could be hurtful to the animals, I would make sure each of them had a good home and would take whichever ones I could.

 

Does my plan sound ok?

[betterdeal]

I strongly advise you to see professional advice on the property settlement. Talk to a lawyer or your Citizen's Advice Bureau or equivalent.

 

Asking for help is what a wise man like yourself does. Especially when you're down. You're depressed and that comes from trying to be too strong for too long. You took the burden, made all those compromises, and now you're exhausted. Time to call in the coach, the physio and anyone else who will help you get back on your feet.

 

If you can't afford a lawyer, look for a charity or advice centre that can help you.

[Philosoraptor]

I have free legal consultation provided to me by my work if she is unwilling to sign off on the 4 page separation agreement that I've constructed.

[betterdeal]

Did they advise on you document to start with? It might be worth running it past them first before sending it to her.

[Philosoraptor]

I actually found a working document online and made the few changes necessary. I'm pretty positive it will be rejected. If she seeks council then we will just have to play that game.

[betterdeal]

It's good you're taking action to remedy the situation. Just need to tidy up the loose ends and you can get yourself into a much better place soon enough.

 

Keep on keeping on.

[Philosoraptor]

Had a decent weekend where I didn't really go back to the house at all. Now the week starts and everything that needs to be done becomes overwhealming again. From what I heard I will be going to court so that will just drag these feelings out even further.

 

Hopefully one day it will become more than just surviving and life will get interesting again. Mornings are the worst and too much time is spent pondering where she is, who she is with, and what she might be doing with them. I'd like to fast forward about a year or just be able to clear my mind of everything for awhile until I get myself together.

[betterdeal]

Aw man, that is the terrible stage, for sure. Do you exercise at all? Maybe go for a swim / walk / jog first thing in the morning to shake off those thoughts.

[Philosoraptor]

Thinking about getting a membership to a gym or something to keep busy. Once I get up and get going in the morning I'm ok, I've just had a hard time getting out of bed so I lay there and think.

[betterdeal]

I used to do that. It's a classic sign of depression, and being down after a break up is completely normal. I got past that stage by starting to think of practical things such as, "first, I'll put my dressing gown on, then I'll go to the bathroom, then I'll shower, then I'l brush my teeth" and so, visualising it all. Then taking deep breath and following through.

 

Gym membership is a good idea. I like yoga for the exercise, taking my mind off things and the good vibe. Nothing like 90 minutes of a moving meditation

[Philosoraptor]

Yea, I find myself knowing that all I need to do is sit up and my day will get better but I seem to lack the motivation to do so. I find myself saying in my head "one two three up" and never sitting up. Luckily I have a job where I just have to put in 40 hours a week however I feel like it so there have been mornings I have laid there for hours. When I finally get up I realize how much earlier I could have been home had I just sat up when I woke up.