I hope this moment of clarity lasts....

[fallenheart]

For the first time in days I am feeling clear, and I wanted to write this before the inevitable backslide into misery. So I guess I'll write it down here before it's lost, even if no one really reads it or replies.

 

She doesn't hate me. In fact, I don't think it was really about ME at all. She simply couldn't keep on pretending to be what I wanted her to be. The strain of trying to keep up that facade must have finally exhausted her in the end. She simply wanted to be alone. She had no genuine interest in having a boyfriend or a sex life anymore. She just wanted to be by herself.

 

And I was the opposite. I wanted to read sonnets to her as I massaged her naked body by candlelight. I wanted the love, the romance, the PASSION.

 

I was trying to pull those things out of a girl that simply never possessed them in the first place and had no desire t, nor the means to learn HOW. I may as well have asked her to grow gills and breathe underwater. And for her to ask me to live a life as cold and sterile as she wanted was impossible.

 

She's not a bad person and neither am I. We were simply incompatible from the very beginning. It was an interesting experiment, but it failed. And it went on far too long and in the end caused ME a hell of a lot of pain and heartache and who knows what she went through. Both of us should have been more honest.

 

And the realization that she doesn't hate me, she in fact, LIKES me as a person makes me feel so much better. She simply can't see me in a romantic light but she still enjoys my company. My problem now is that I can't UNSEE her in a romantic light. BUT....if I can get a girlfriend that actually DOES love me, and as long as she stays single so there's nobody for me to be jealous of....we could actually be FRIENDS! I have never been friends with an ex before...what a foreign concept to me! Some say that by the time I find a new girl and fall in love, I'll forget the ex altogether and won't even bother. I suppose time will tell, but for now I really like the idea of being able to interact with her on a purely platonic level.

 

She really did try for me for a long time, and that pretty much makes up for how ****ty she was in the end. Both of our faults for not being way more upfront about our wants and needs and expectations.

 

I wanted to love her and take care of her....she found the attention stifling. I wanted to have sex ALLLLL the freakin' time. She never had a sexual impulse in her life, but she put up with it for me for a long time just to make me happy. But eventually, she couldn't go through those motions anymore. Like a square peg and a round hole if you pardon my blatant sexual metaphor.

 

If I am completely honest with myself....I always knew deep down she wasn't the girl I was going to marry. Just too many differences. Now I believe that opposites can attract, but with us it was just stuff that simply didn't add up. Did I LOVE her? Yes, I guess I did love her and still do. I will always care about her deeply. Did she love me? No idea. I don't know if she ever really knew what romantic love was. At best I hope she cared about me. I know she went above and beyond to make me happy for a long time, so that's pretty good. So if I knew deep down it was never gonna last "forever" anyway, then why am I allowing the misery of the break-up to perpetuate? No good answer for that...just my neurotic nature I guess. I told her how much I loved her, how much I appreciated her, and I let her go. What more should I have done?

 

Hopefully we can both find like-minded partners in the future. I wouldn't mind connecting with a girl more comfortable and aggressive in the sack, and maybe she'll want to be with some kind of frigid guy who doesn't talk much. I don't know. But I sincerely hope she doesn't look back at the time we spent together and consider them a waste. I hope she knows how much I appreciated all the good times. And I hope we can really be a part of each others' lives again someday, however small. It would be nice.