me

[jack004]

hello everyone - here is my story

 

My wife and i have just separated after 15 years, we hadn't had sex or any intimacy for 10 years (before that it was brilliant) I have no idea why we stopped, no - we didn't talk, and that's one of my (our) issues. We talked a lot in the weeks before I left and called our lack of intimacy the 'elephant in the room' never discussed it for 10 long years. I was rejected whenever i made any romantic approaches - and as I said to her - 'there is only so much rejection a man can take' we had other issues as well - she was a shopaholic and spent an outrageous amount of our money on shoes and clothes - which made me spend less and less on myself - in the end all our spare money went her way. We didn't do many things together (different hobbies and she's a vegetarian - I'm not - so we never ate together or went out for dinner) so i guess we had / have a lot of problems - but here is the thing - despite all that, I still love her very much, I miss her every minute of every day, did it take me leaving to realise that? She has already bought me out of the house and i've moved all of my belongings out (everything in one transit van - how sad!) So I'm back with my parents (again how sad!) and whilst that is very safe - i hate it. My life has been defined by my relationship with my wife and I feel sad and lonely and have a complete lack of self worth. Can I get back with my wife - should I? One of my major issues is that I have a complete inability to criticise anyones behaviour - if there is a problem i always believe it to be my fault - like I believe we didn't make love because she didn't fancy me anymore, and it was better to allow her to find someone who she did fancy - but why did i wait 10 years for that? She has been devastated by my leaving - I thought it was for the best but....,

There has been no one else involved - as a good friend recently said to me ' the last thing you need right now is another woman' I agree with her 100%.

I suppose I'm just asking for help, opinions, suggestions, As an attempt to get to the bottom of my mind I will go to see a councillor, so if anyone has experience with that - please share.

thanks

[TigerCub]

I find something weird.

 

Something was wrong with your R with your wife (things suddenly changed) and you (either one of you) doesn't address that change for 10 years? really? so what was your life on a day to day basis like?

 

Also, I've dated a vegetarian before, we still went out and had meals together, why was her vegetarianism such a hurdle that you guys couldn't even sit down and eat together.

 

I can understand that you feel so low and down and that your self esteem took a shot, but you say that she bought you out of the house - doesn't that mean that you have enough money to at least rent an apartment and live on your own (if the fact that being back at home with your folks is too depressing for you)? - I would at least do that. Its nice that they are being supportive and there for you, but maybe getting your own place might do you some good - self esteem wise.

 

It sounds like you actually want to get back with your wife. My question is why? If the communication and affection between the 2 of you was so bad, why go back to that?

 

I think you should ask yourself honestly, do you want to go back simply because you feel your identity is based on being a husband and having someone, or because you think that maybe MC can fix things and things can change for the better?

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

[jack004]

Thanks Tigercub

I made a little too much of the vegetarianism, not a big deal in the scheme of things - just wanted to use it as an example of how we had 'drifted' apart, no real connection anymore. I am aware that it is difficult to get the whole story of our relationship across in a few short postings - it helps, I guess, to get this off my chest to complete strangers - so thanks in advance for reading.

I was unwilling to try MC - for a number of reasons - my family brought me up in an environment where feelings / emotions were never discussed - ever. I take after my dad in one way only - and that is that I have a complete lack of the ability to discuss anything intimate - it just does not happen. I understand that the breakdown of my marriage was ultimately as much my fault as hers (perhaps more mine thinking about it) I should have tried to get to the bottom of our lack of intimacy years ago, but just buried my head in the sand - how sad things have turned out from that. I guess my real reason for not wanting MC was because I couldn't see how that would make her fancy me again, like she used to, how could it? When it's gone it's gone - right? To know that a woman who I loved passionately doesn't look at me sexually at all anymore was ultimately soul destroying - didn't it take me a long while to come to that place? She said I was having a mid-life crisis and maybe there is something in that (i'm 46)

A few years ago she was under the doctor for depression - she never really accepted that she was depressed but was off work for half a year and on tablets for a long time, I don't think she got better, I tried very, very hard to be supportive throughout - but it was incredibly difficult, was it all my fault? Did I cause the depression - I don't know.

You are right - I do have the means to move out from my folks and get a place on my own (what a scary prospect) and i will do that - but at the moment I think my employment circumstance are going to change (what a time for that to happen!) and I may have to live in another part of the county - until that's sorted i don't know where I will need to live - so i'm having to be here for a while.

I do still really love my wife and think about her all the time - especially last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

Our day to day life was like we were just really close friends, like I was just company for her - when I said that to her in the weeks before I left she said that if I felt that way i should leave straight away.

It's hard you know? I see things on T.V or hear a record, or somebody says something and I immediately wish I could talk to her about it, and then I remember, and it breaks my heart.

I know some couples live without a sexual relationship - am I so wrong for not wanting to do that? but at the same time it feels like my right arm has been ripped from me and I'll never love again.

I'm not looking for sympathy (although it will be gratefully accepted) just some wise life experience, some help i guess.