Should I even consider this? An update from my previous post...

[HollyHoliday]

My previous post, in which I told him that I did not want any communication and you all said it was the right thing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=306651

 

Initially, I felt great about not being in contact. Now I just don't know. The reaction I had to it just shows me that I am not as over it as I thought I was. That was especially realized for me when I saw that he was back on facebook. He had deactivated it when we were together, so I knew the day would come where he would reactivate it and be able to see my page. Seeing his face literally caused me to have a small panic attack. We obviously are not friends on it anymore, and I blocked him.

 

I am playing the horrible "what if" game with myself right now. After talking to family and friends, they all say that it was the right thing to do, but that I seem to lack a lot of closure from the relationship. That is exactly right. I never told him how what he did was wrong or anything like that. At one point, my therapist even thought it would be a good idea for me to do that, but I didn't reach out at that time.

 

I am so worried about how the conversation would go and if I would find anything positive out of it at all. I just want closure. I can't keep living this way.

[sunflower11]

Hi. I've been feeling the same way you do..that I NEED closure to move on but I have accepted that..no matter what he says or does, its not going to take back all the pain and tears..and there's really nothing he can say that will make me feel better. It is best not to go looking for answers or anything and just let thngs be. I read this article and it made sense to me..maybe it can help?

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/post-breakup-to-debrief-or-not-to-debrief-that-is-the-relationship-question/

 

I did an exercise where I was honest with myself and I was like ok, if I tell him how bad it hurt me or try to get the truth from him, is it going to change anything? will it set me back even more? will it help at ALL? and the answer was no, it wouldnt change things for me

[HollyHoliday]

Thanks for that article, Sunflower. I just read through it, and I am going to read through it again tonight.

 

I've moved 1,000 miles away from where he lives, and I am planning on moving even father away in the upcoming year. There is no way a relationship could ever work between us, and I know that. But what I am questioning the most is my actual reason behind wanting to have a conversation. Initially when I sent the message saying I didn't want to talk, I was doing it more because I thought I should, not because I wanted to. And then after, I felt good because I thought I was getting back at him in some way, and that quickly dissolved to a feeling of disappointment.

 

"Most people that engage in post breakup debriefs will claim it’s for closure but actually, for a lot of people it’s an opportunity to have an excuse to engage and attempt to change their mind by either persuading them and/or showing them what they’re missing."

 

A part of me believes that we could have an honest, adult conversation where we can discuss how we are and how things are going. I am not looking for any kind of friendship or new relationship.

 

And to be honest, I never really posted my story here because it was embarrassing, but now I think I should. While he was the one to initiate the breakup because he wanted to focus on his career, I had already been dealing with numerous problems in the relationship. They include: his inability to compromise, being the type of person who was nice to me but not others, his lack of interest in sex, holding hands, or any other type of real emotion besides the occasional kissing, how he just didn't take me into consideration in a lot of things, etc. I know that I don't deserve any of that, and he would never really understand how he is the way he is.

 

 

But we did laugh a lot. And there were aspects of our friendship that I do miss.

 

I am really going back and forth with this.

[norajane]

I know that I don't deserve any of that, and he would never really understand how he is the way he is.

 

So what would you get out of the conversation except more frustration?

 

Are you seeking an apology from him? Even if he gives you one, it will not make you feel better because someone who doesn't really understand what he did or why can't make you feel better about it.

 

Maybe you could write down what you would want to say, and then reread it with an eye toward figuring out why it is important that you say it, and what you think you would get out of it.

 

Ultimately, I don't think you'd get as much satisfaction out of having your say as you might think. A person who doesn't compromise and wasn't giving you consideration during your relationship isn't likely to be the kind of person who can show you they even understand what you are saying, much less satisfy your need to "matter".

[HollyHoliday]

You are right, Norajane. And I know it. I guess I am just really sad that we had so many good times in our relationship, but in the end it didn't constitute a friendship. I thought we could be adults about it, but being adults doesn't mean letting a person get what they want when the don't deserve it.

[sunflower11]

Mmmm yea I mean think about it and let it simmer for a while. Sometimes I find that..today I might feel like texting him (even though I know I will regret it later). I write out a draft and leave it on my phone and let it sit there while I think all the pros and cons...usually by the next day I feel much better and realize that, there is no point in sending it to him so I just delete it.

 

People will say a lot of things, you just have to follow your heart. I'm giving you advice based on my situation and experience..and yours could be totally different and the outcome might be different. Just remember, why did you start NC? Think back on the reasons that made you want to do this and stick with those if they still apply