Passionate Courtship Turns to Sexless Marriage

[Quigster]

I've been looking for answers on the Internet because I don't really know where else to turn.

 

My wife and I met at work in 2005. We had amazing chemistry and fell in love quickly. We spent every day going to lunch together, talked on the phone for hours or chatted online after work. She would even come back to work after her shift was over just so she could see me again. We couldn't stop thinking about each other. Each of us was in a relationship but we knew we wanted to be together, so we moved in together and got married about a year later.

 

I was prepared for the idea that the passion would fade eventually and that things would change after the "honeymoon" phase was over. I'd seen it happen in my first relationship so I knew that the possibility existed, but for two solid years life was a fantasy come true. We continued to work together and then we spent all night together doing married people stuff, like watching TV or going shopping or whatever.

 

Sexually, we couldn't have been more compatible. She desired me constantly. She couldn't get enough of me. I wasn't afraid to ask her for things in bed, and for the first time in my life I felt like I was with someone who loved me freely and completely.

 

In 2007 when she was pregnant with our first child she changed into a completely different person. She didn't like me touching her because her body was too sensitive. The slightest things, like me taking a wrong turn while driving, sent her into a rage in which she literally screamed at me in the car. We bickered constantly. We now only occasionally made love, perhaps once a month or less, but one day she came right out and said that she felt like it was a chore on her to-do list, and that she only really did it to keep me happy. She certainly didn't do it out of a desire for me, and honestly once a month wasn't enough to keep me happy anyway.

 

When our son was born we were both preoccupied with taking care of the baby so there wasn't a lot of passion for a while. I took care of him most of the time (I have two older kids so I had experience with infants; she didn't) but I was overwhelmed and angry for the first six to twelve months. He's almost four years old now, and he's at a point where I don't feel helpless—I can talk to him and reason with him now. She constantly yells at him to shut up because she's trying to watch TV or read a book or something.

 

I just don't understand what happened to the woman I married. Nowadays, after she gets off work she either goes to take a nap, or plays games on Facebook, or reads a novel about sexy vampires, gets immersed in one of the dozen-odd shows that she watches. (I don't watch TV anymore; I generally take my son to play in the den so she won't shout at him all night.)

 

She's admittedly a control freak and wants everything just so. She manages the bank accounts and daycare and pretty much everything else. I get to take care of our son and scoop the cat's litter box, and that's about it. Whenever I do dishes or the laundry or something, invariably I've put the wrong thing in the dishwasher or folded the towels wrong or something along those lines. She always tells me that she wants me to initiate lovemaking but whenever I try to, she rejects me. I'm forced to leave it up to her to decide when she wants to be intimate, which is, again, less than once a month.

 

One specific example that drives me crazy is that when we sleep at night, she insists on wearing these heavy cotton pajamas. When she's dressed that warmly I don't even want to hold her because I overheat so quickly. She used to sleep in just a T-shirt and panties, which I love because I can wrap my arm around her and snuggle with her. She always comes up with excuses why I can't touch her at night. Either she's too hot or she's too cold or she ate too much so she's too full. I never demand sex from her. All I ask at the end of a long day is that I can spoon with her and experience some vague level of intimacy with her, and she won't even allow me that.

 

So now we have a second baby on the way. I was prepared to go through all the same things that we did the first time, but I figured it wouldn't be so bad since we never really recovered from the change from "perfect" to "horrible" so it wouldn't be as drastic. What I'm finding is that I grow more and more upset with her about this, and my attempts to talk to her go nowhere; we just end up fighting.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Am I just stuck in a sexless marriage until I've finally had enough and divorce her? Or is there some other solution that I'm just not seeing?

[SoleMate]

My sympathies, it sounds like a troubling experience verging on the horrifying.

 

Your most prominent complaint is sexlessness. It is typical that men will focus on this symptom of a troubled marriage above all others. It is because physical intimacy (including but not limited to sex) is typically the #1 (or #2) top emotional need of men and when it is not fulfilled, that causes them great suffering. Please see His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley for more details on this. Let's call sexlessness your Problem A.

 

The most helpful book on sexless marriages is The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. She covers all the numerous causes of sexlessness and has practical and sympathetic solutions (grounded in data) for both spouses. I recommend buying a copy immediately and reading it. If Problem A were your only problem, I do think the book wuld stand a good chance of addressing it successfully for you.

 

BUT......I have to say, as rough as sexlessness is, that appears to be only a part of your marital problem. You also have the screaming, bickering, control obsession, and lack of emotional intimacy. That you would have to protect your 4-year old from his mother's pointless raging is one of the sadder things I've heard recently. I will call these behaviors Problem B.

 

You may need to get professional help to get your wife to acknowledge Problem B. I have no easy ways to do this. It will likely be the hardest thing you have done in your life and you may not be successful. I would just like to advise you to look very clearly at the scale, duration and trajectory of Problem B and give this very serious problem the attention it deserves.

[StoneCold]

This sounds very familiar.....

 

and I'm sorry to report to you.....ou are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I was/am here. What did I do? I cheated..not as a solution to a damaged marriage but as a solution to being sexless (its key you are clear on why you cheat)...worked great.... kept me evened out and more balanced as I think of an approach to dissolving my marriage... Now, I'm not saying you gotta do what I did...only you know whats best for you.

 

 

You could try MC... I did and it was useless. But who knows it may work for you.

 

You could stay and tough it out......but why?

 

But heres a question for you to ponder....She'll likely not change so how long can you keep this up? At some point it will catch up with you

 

Many here will say "just divorce" like you decide on which underwear to buy. I understand that its a process and something you dont just up and do (especially you have another baby on the way)....its something you gotta approach when you are ready...you just try to make sure its sooner than later

[norajane]

To me, it sounds like she never wanted to be a mother and DID NOT take to pregnancy or motherhood very well. I'm shocked that she is pregnant again.

 

When sex goes downhill for a woman, the problem isn't always about sex. It's sometimes other problems in the marriage that manifest themselves in a lack of desire.

 

She sounds unhappy in general, and has been for a long time. The rage, the irritation, the annoyance at your child...those aren't about you, they are about how she feels about her life.

 

The only thing I can suggest is marriage counseling. It might help you two communicate in a more productive way to get to the real heart of the problems between you.

[sabiskittles]

To me, it sounds like she never wanted to be a mother and DID NOT take to pregnancy or motherhood very well. I'm shocked that she is pregnant again.

 

When sex goes downhill for a woman, the problem isn't always about sex. It's sometimes other problems in the marriage that manifest themselves in a lack of desire.

 

She sounds unhappy in general, and has been for a long time. The rage, the irritation, the annoyance at your child...those aren't about you, they are about how she feels about her life.

 

The only thing I can suggest is marriage counseling. It might help you two communicate in a more productive way to get to the real heart of the problems between you.

 

 

I have to second the idea that it sounds like she didn't want to be a mother and that it's troubling for her. Even with our son who just turned 4 months old, and both of us working (with him working overtime weekly), my boyfriend and I have managed to find some time to be intimate on a regular basis. Some weeks even daily. This is because we both love our life and our relationship is an absolute top priority.

 

Like Norajane said, a lot of times a lack of interest in sex is due to problems other than in life. Not only marriage counseling but, if you can get her to agree to it, it seems that personal counseling would be a good idea.

 

If I was in your position, I would reconsider whether or not the relationship is worth keeping, and make sure she knows that her actions are causing you to rethink your position. Aside from the fact that she is clearly making you miserable and not satisfying you (in bed or mentally), you need to question whether or not that is the home you want to raise your children in. Is it good for them mentally to be with someone who is angry with them? Do you want to show them that it's normal to be constantly upset and arguing with someone you "love"? In the mean time, keep being the loving husband. Thank her for things she does do, make sure she knows that you desire her sexually (though I would also be weary if she may possibly have an affair?), make it clear that you are willing to put the effort forth and be the man she fell in love with! As well, keep showing that you are a wonderful father and that your family is happy and missing her.

 

If you can, as gently as you can, you may have to make an ultimatum that she must sit down and talk to you (mediated would be best to avoid unnecessary arguing) and to make an agreement. My boyfriend and I had to do this at one point when things were rough right after our son was born. Both of you write down what makes you happy in the relationship, what you need to change, and what you want to change (notice need and want are separate issues.) If you can come to an agreement that keeps everyone happy, then that's fantastic! You have a contract you can both keep to. Otherwise, if she's unwilling to compromise on things that are extremely important (such as, perhaps, not yelling at the kids for being loud and well... kids), or she just flat out refuses to compromise, you may be looking at the wicked witch and you better get yourself and your children to safety before the house lands.

 

If she doesn't get the picture, truthfully, it may be time to make her the past. I'm sorry for what is more or less the loss of someone who sounds like she was truly a wonderful woman.

[eerie_reverie]

To me, it sounds like she never wanted to be a mother and DID NOT take to pregnancy or motherhood very well. I'm shocked that she is pregnant again.

 

When sex goes downhill for a woman, the problem isn't always about sex. It's sometimes other problems in the marriage that manifest themselves in a lack of desire.

 

She sounds unhappy in general, and has been for a long time. The rage, the irritation, the annoyance at your child...those aren't about you, they are about how she feels about her life.

 

The only thing I can suggest is marriage counseling. It might help you two communicate in a more productive way to get to the real heart of the problems between you.

 

I agree, she sounds really depressed. Whose idea was it to have the second baby?

[Hanther]

I have nothing so say except...WHY is she pregnant again? WHY bring another child into this? I mean seriously...what were you thinking??

[Quigster]

The most helpful book on sexless marriages is The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

 

I actually do have a copy of this (an artifact left over from my first marriage) and I've referred to it frequently. Thanks very much for your comments and suggestions.

[Quigster]

But heres a question for you to ponder....She'll likely not change so how long can you keep this up?

 

One of my favorite sayings is, "People change, but not that much." It's very true. What's odd about this is that she did change, though. She used to find me fascinating and desirable. Now sometimes I think I'm just a second paycheck and a babysitter.

 

I think for the first year or two I was hoping that eventually she'd change back to the woman I fell in love with, but so far it hasn't happened and likely never will.

 

This is similar to how my first marriage ended, so I have to question whether I just have a "type" (angry women) or whether I may somehow be doing something to create this situation for myself. Twice could be a coincidence; I guess I won't know if it's officially a pattern until marriage number three...

[Quigster]

I have to second the idea that it sounds like she didn't want to be a mother and that it's troubling for her.

 

We actually tried really hard to get pregnant, and for a while we weren't sure that she could (she only ovulates on one side, as it turns out). I think perhaps that it's the cuteness of babies that she really wanted to experience more than anything else.

 

Like Norajane said, a lot of times a lack of interest in sex is due to problems other than in life. Not only marriage counseling but, if you can get her to agree to it, it seems that personal counseling would be a good idea.

 

She actually did acknowledge her anger issues and was prescribed antidepressants last year, but they made her stomach upset (and negatively affected her sex drive; I was actually an advocate of her getting off the medication because I thought her libido would improve).

 

make sure she knows that you desire her sexually (though I would also be weary if she may possibly have an affair?)

 

I have considered the possibility of an affair (especially since she and I are affair partners ourselves), but there haven't been any other signs that might point to it other than her avoidance of intimacy with me. As much as I would like to have some kind of tangible scapegoat who can be responsible for all my problems, I have no reason to even suspect it.

[Quigster]

I have nothing so say except...WHY is she pregnant again? WHY bring another child into this? I mean seriously...what were you thinking??

 

It was a combination of factors. We have a son, but she hopes we can have a daughter, too. She also thinks our son will grow up to be lonely if he doesn't have any siblings as playmates. I was resistant to the idea at first, but only because I've done, by her own admission, about 95% of the childcare for our son and I didn't want to go through that all over again. She says it will be more balanced this time (I tend to deal better with kids than babies, so I told her, only half-jokingly, that I'll play with our son while she takes care of the new baby.)

 

Also, despite everything else that's happened, I still want to make her happy, and it's what she wanted.

[Lucky_One]

A woman's body goes through huge chances hormonally when she is pregnant. And it sounds as though everything was pretty much copacetic prior to pregnancy.

 

Has she talked with her OB/GYN about this? I am wondering if she has some whacked-out hormone levels. Matter of fact, I would go with her to the doctor for one of the visits, and bring it up directly during the "talking part", without your wife's knowing your intent beforehand. It would be interesting to see her reaction in front of a 3rd person, and it would be a great way for the OB to see how she reacts in a tense situation.

 

But I would certainly ask for a full panel of blood testing - estrogen, testosterone, DHEA, thyroid, etc. Something does not sound "right" here.

[xxoo]

Did her first marriage also move into sexlessness?

 

Since this is the way your first marriage dissolved, I would look hard at your part in it. Esp since this is a second marriage for both of you, beginning as an passionate affair, it seems likely that you are missing some skills needed to sustain a happy relationship.

[OliveOyl]

My hypothesis is that for her, the honeymoon period lasted two years (and was exaggerated by the fact that you started out as affair partners, which can add even more intensity to the initial phase). But when she got pregnant, and her hormones changed... boom... honeymoon OVER. For some reason she had an exaggerated response, both the highs of the courtship and the subsequent lows. Add in postpartum depression, the day-to-day grind, and her desire has vanished... for you.

 

Give it a few more years and a novel partner and the cycle could start over again for her... with someone else. I suspect her change may have absolutely nothing to do with you but more part of a larger cycle of hers that spans a few years. How did her previous relationship start? The fact that she can't handle child-raising but seeks vampire romance novels and Facebook games kind of indicates she thrives on a dopamine-rush that she can't get from your relationship anymore.

[Lucky_One]

You know, I went back and read your post again. Has she (or you) talked to her OB about postpartum depression? It can literally last for years, especially without treatment. (I was, sorry to say, discouraged to read that you encouraged her to go off anti-depressants because you were concerned about her libido.)

 

If she has untreated PPD, then this second pregnancy might affect her even more heavily. Please please please go with her to a doctor's appt, and bring these things up. Mood swings, avoidance coping, loss of libido, anxiety, anger, inability to derive pleasure from things she used to enjoy, sleep changes - a whole host of symptoms - she actually sounds textbook.

[Lucky_One]

http://www.psymed.info/default.aspx?m=Test&id=71&l=3

 

This is a link to the standard, self-administered questionnaire that is given to patients who are suspected of having PPD. It should be administered fairly early after childbirth, and answered by the patient (obviously). But if you take it, pretending that you are your wife and trying to put answers as you judge her emotions to be, it may give you an idea of whether or not she might be suffering from untreated PPD. If you can get her to take it, even better!

[Quigster]

If she has untreated PPD, then this second pregnancy might affect her even more heavily. Please please please go with her to a doctor's appt, and bring these things up. Mood swings, avoidance coping, loss of libido, anxiety, anger, inability to derive pleasure from things she used to enjoy, sleep changes - a whole host of symptoms - she actually sounds textbook.

 

Thanks very much for the advice (you and everyone else as well). I'm just going to have to sit down and talk with her and tell her about my concerns. I appreciate everyone who took the time to help.

[The Blue Knight]

One of my favorite sayings is, "People change, but not that much." It's very true. What's odd about this is that she did change, though. She used to find me fascinating and desirable. Now sometimes I think I'm just a second paycheck and a babysitter.

 

I think for the first year or two I was hoping that eventually she'd change back to the woman I fell in love with, but so far it hasn't happened and likely never will.

 

This is similar to how my first marriage ended, so I have to question whether I just have a "type" (angry women) or whether I may somehow be doing something to create this situation for myself. Twice could be a coincidence; I guess I won't know if it's officially a pattern until marriage number three...

 

Man Quig, you've got your hands full. One problem with your favorite quote. She did change . . . A LOT! And now you're stuck with the woman from hell. Not to make you feel even more awful, but I'm going to reiterate what others have echoed because it jumped out at me as well when I read it. Why a second child with her? It's clear the first child is what set this marriage on the awful course it's currently on.

 

I don't know. A lot of guys are going to tell you this is not rare after a woman has a baby. But typically those guys still have a loving wife who loves the kids and isn't otherwise a witch. They typically just become sexless but are otherwise compatible. Your wife (sorry for saying it) sounds like she could be riding a broom.

 

Someone suggested the Willard Harley book "His needs, Her needs." Good read. Good stuff. But she would need to buy into that for it to be effective and from what I'm reading in your description, she's not really interested in "your needs." You have no easy way out of this. You have one young child with her and another on the way. And you have little chance of recovering the woman you knew previously. That's the scary thing about people. They can sometimes become what we want them to be only to turn out to be Franken-wench some time later and then you're effectively screwed. I wish I had an easy answer.

 

Some have suggested marriage counseling. Maybe you answered that but I'd at least start to see if she's willing.