Girlfriend's mysterious facebook friend

[misunderstood20]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about eight years. We met through a mutual friend, in which at the time she had just not too long got out of a previous relationship of eight years. (see the pattern) Before we had a first date or anything I told her that I didn't want to be in a relationship and that I wasn't any good for her and she said whatever happens just happens. So here it is eight more years in a new relationship (for her) and things are going downhill. I can admit that yes I have cheated on her some years back in which she did find out about. Since then she says that she has forgiven me and that we can get past that. I just feel like that was a lie and I could be wrong.

 

So, here lately she has added a few new guy friends to her facebook page that she claims are from her job that i've never met. Now I remind you that up to this point we were living together but I moved out and i'll tell you why. We were also communicating regularly too. One day while I was looking on the computer something told me to check her inbox on facebook. (before you judge me she has checked mine too before) Just as my gut had been telling me she had been carrying on a private conversation with one of the guys from her job in her inbox. She was wanting to meet up with him and everything and evidently he knew about me because he told her that if they met up I would be mad at her. She told him some things that confirmed that it was actually her typing the message.

 

So when I confronted her about the message she was saying that it wasn't her talking to the guy and that it was her cousin. But at the time her cousin supposesedly had a boyfriend. So to make a long story short I moved out and since then she is being extra nice. We still talk from time to time. I want to believe her story but I can't. She has also switched jobs too.

 

i'm not sure on what to do at this point. Suggestions anyone????

[Bryanp]

Until she is completely honest with you then there is no point in even thinking about recovery. If you do try recovery then you are sending her a clear message that it is acceptable to lie to you because it works. Good luck.

[RiverRunning]

It seems like in threads like these, I always see a pattern of how the cheated spouse was willing to forgive...but I see very little, if anything, showing that the cheating partner made strides to rebuild the trust in the relationship. Did you go to counseling after you cheated? Did you at least get books on cheating and try to work through some of the exercises together? Did you make concessions about who you would and wouldn't talk to thereafter? Did you figure out WHAT motivated you to cheat?

 

Revenge affairs are very common among women - so I doubt your girlfriend truly forgave you. That's not that surprising. There are plenty of women in these situations who will 'forgive' the cheater...so it gives them the opportunity to find somebody and return the favor. It's a way of boosting their self-esteem again and settling the score. "Take that. I can hurt you too."

 

It doesn't make it OK - but it does make it human nature.

 

You poisoned this relationship from the get-go, and I imagine that's now why you both are invading each others' personal space and looking into your Facebook inboxes. She had reason to, I think, after finding out about your infidelity for a while - it was a way to ensure you weren't talking to the women you cheated with. But what reason did you have to invade hers?

 

Getting new Facebook friends is no reason to start investigating. NONE. She explained to you who they were, and you let your unreasonable suspicions guide you into invading her privacy. It would be one thing had these guys left her flirtatious messages (and even then, you could just talk to her about it). But you had no valid reason to invade her privacy other than your own sordid past, which you then projected onto her.

 

You don't even make it entirely clear what she said to these guys. From what you posted, their exchange sounds relatively benign - she wanted to meet up (for lunch? Dinner?) and he expressed concern that it would look bad. That doesn't necessarily mean it's romantic on either side - it simply means that he knows she's in a relationship and he's not sure if it's crossing your boundary. While I wouldn't say that going out to dinner with a male co-worker while you're in a relationship is ideal - it is a BIT of a red flag - it's not a done-and-sealed sign of cheating. The end doesn't justify the means - just because you've POSSIBLY found evidence that she's cheating (and it seems like very crappy evidence at that) doesn't justify invading her privacy.

 

I think this relationship is ready to be taken off the burner. And I think you need to start seriously looking at yourself and what you've done in this relationship. Why did you betray this woman - and why are you now convinced that she's betraying you? If I felt that my S/O were watching my friends' list that closely, I would be creeped out. I've noticed girls that I don't really know anything about on his friends' list, but he has never given me any reason to question it. He never really talks to them on there so I figure they knew each other in college. To pour over every single person and to question your partner about it is over-kill to me.

 

I think that you will always end up doubting the women you are with, OP - possibly because you are projecting your own insecurities and past infidelities onto them. Because you think that because YOU did it, they too will do it. You need to get to the bottom of that before you can really have a healthy relationship. In the meantime, let her go. There is no trust in your relationship - at all, it appears.