Wife wants to seperate only after four months married!

[DizzyDevil]

I have been married for four months now and my wife told me a few days ago that she wanted to seperate.

 

Now that I look back everything is so clear, I know exactly why she feels the way she does now and exactly what I have not done in the past to correct this.

 

Its the same thing that is so common in marriages, I wasn't metting her emmotional needs wihich in turn made her feel unimportant, unloved and not my top priority. In my mind she was all of these things, however I wasn't showing it with my actions. Staying up late and not making time to email her, not spending quality time with her, making mean comments, not truly listening to her when she would talk to me about the way she was feeling. In my mind I really thought she was depressed and saw only the negative things

about me, thats why she was unhappy.

 

Friends would say she was depressed and I was convinced that she was depressed due to her low self esteem. So when she talked about not feeling loved I just thought "Its her depression, there is nothing I can do to make this better." However in reality if there was any depression it was due to me not making her feel like number 1 in my life. We have had many discussions in our marriage about things I was doing ! that made her unhappy and I always said I would work on them, but I never had a real understanding of why these things made her unhappy. So in turn I went back to my old ways and I made her feel more and more unloved every day that went by. Now I have a deep understanding of what I was doing and I know exactly why she felt the way she felt. My only problem now is that I am afraid she isnt going to give me another chance to prove this to her.

 

She is going to find another apartment and isnt talking to me very much. I know that I am pushing her away futher because I am becoming more and more of a emotional basketcase and emailing her very frequently. I just feel like if we go very ong without talking that she will like being single more than being married and choose that route. If she doesnt talk to me then she doesnt have to think about me, which I think will allow her to grow apart from me more easily.

 

She says that she still loves me but not like a husband, more like a friend and that she doesnt want to go back to the way they used to be, she said she cant take anymore emotionally. Over the last few days she has been ignoring some of my emails which only makes things worse for me. That makes me wonder 1 million things, what is she thinking, why is she not calling, why, why, why will she not call me.

 

The way I look at it is we are married and when you are married you stayed married unless there is some kind of abuse and you are in harm. If you have the option of spliting up and leaving then there are times in your marriage when you will pick that route because it is "easier" than staying and toughing everything out. If every married couple got seperated or divorced when they didnt think they wanted to be married anymore or doubted their love for their spouce then I dont know of any marriages that would make it.

 

I have two goals right now.

 

The ultimate goal is to get my wife back so I can show her that she is the most important thing in the world to me.

 

I need to be able to deal with her leaving and live a somewhat normal life until she gets back, if she does.

 

I dont kow how to do this. She is always on my mind, rethinking conversations, thinking about future conversations, thinking how to get her back, what can I do, wondering what she is thinking, ect.,ect. I cant concentrate at work, I cant sleep because my mind wont slow down, I cant eat because of always having a feeling like I am going to be sick... I just dont konw how to handle this.

 

Maybe someone out thee has been in my same situation and can give me some ideas?

 

The fear of her not giving me another chance is the main thing that is driving me crazy...

 

Any advice would help me...

 

Thank you.

[Karlise13]

This post is heartbreaking.

 

Unfortunately, it is also very common.

 

Why does it take someone leaving to make the other person realize just how hurtful their behavior is?

 

Well, I don't want to give you a lecture. You sound like you are already in enough pain.

 

Tell your wife you are willing to do ANYTHING to make this work. Tell her you want to go to counseling together. Tell her you have been doing a lot of soul-searching and realize why she's hurt and feeling emotionally distant. Tell her you are dying inside.

 

DO NOT PLAY IT COOL.

 

Let your heart hang out for her to see. Wear it on your sleeve. Be as open as you can. Tell her everything you are terrified to tell her. Take some huge emotional risks right now because if you don't she will not believe you.

 

Good luck, hope you guys can work it out.

[DizzyDevil]

Its kind of hard to do that. We are both in the military and she is out to sea. She wont listen to a thing that I say to her even though for the last two days I have told her this. The only thing that I havent told her was that it is as much HER falt as MINE. She does not want to belive that. I sent her that post. She blames me for all the problems. Plus she is hanging around a bunch of males that are single and want to party all the time and that bothers me a little bit. What are they really telling her. She said that she wants space and time to figure out her feelings. She says that she is confuced. She says alot of things that I will post later but right now I have to go to work. Thank you for the post.

[RackEmUp]

Please see http://www.divorcebusting.com and http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Especially read about WAW (Walkaway Wives).

 

And please men, all of you out there, start listening and acting like REAL HUSBANDS who care about their women enough to meet their needs, before your wife joins the parade of women walking away from their marriages. It's way easier to keep her happy early on, then it is to get her to 180 and come back after her bags are packed.

[DizzyDevil]

The thing is that she seems to not to want to try to work things out.

[Blucordwife]

You say you are both in the military. Are you both in the Navy and are you deployed? I ask thesequestions because my husband is in the Army and while he was deployed he told me he wanted to seperate. I also had a friend that her husband did the same thing. I was told it was because of the stress they are going through and they don't want people to worry. My husband and I are still together but it is because of the counseling we are doing. Just keep telling her your feelings and listen to hers. Communication is the key. Good luck.

[DizzyDevil]

Thank you and yes we are both in the navy and she is deployed. I had asked what she wanted of me and she said that "to do my own thing.... go out and meet people...." I replyed that I would try and she asked for time " to sort out what she was feeling and to find out what she wanted....." I told her that i would give her her space. So that is where I stand right now. In limbo. Trying to figure out myself and waiting for the person that i love more than life itself. I know that its a over used clesha but its true. Well im going to go to bed. TY all for your posts and your support. You all have made me feel better and given me alot to think about.

Thanks,

Dizzy

[ValeriaM]

I have only been married for 4 months and have already filed for divorce from my husband. I let him talk me into getting married when I wasn't ready. He and his family knew I had cold feet and I protested many times that it was just way too soon. Everyone told me that I should go ahead and get married since I am in my 40's and it's harder to find good mates, etc. What a crock of ****.

 

I let others influence me and married against my gut feelings. Then I started seeing my husband's real personality come out and he became controlling and smothering. I'm mad at myself for getting married but will be divorced soon and learned a huge lesson in this ordeal and that is not to let other people pressure me into doing something I know in my heart isn't right.

 

Being married to this man has felt like walking thru mud with anvils tied to my ankles. The pressure to give up my life and move in his house (which I can't stand because he's a slob) and to be a stepmother to his obnoxious, spoiled, undisciplined son was all too much for me. Huge mistake.

 

If we had continued to just date things would have been great. He rushed me into marriage hoping to fill a void in his life - he basically wanted a cook, maid, mother for his son and sex partner. He wasn't in love with ME as a person - he just wanted a warm body in his house to fill that wife void and to impress his family and neighbors.

[Moose]

Valerie, are you Dizzy's wife?

[jmargel]

The way I look at it is we are married and when you are married you stayed married unless there is some kind of abuse and you are in harm

 

You have done a GREAT deal of abuse. There are quite a few variations of abuse: Physical, emotion, mental & verbal.

 

You emotionally abused her to a great extent from what I've been reading. She came to you, the one who is suppose to help her in every time of need to ask over & over again to be more loving. You tell her you would but your actions proved different. What you are feeling now is what she was feeling while she was with you & telling you these things. Look from things through her own eyes. Your words to her are meaningless now. To her, why would this be any different? She probably feels you are saying all this stuff just so you can get her back, and things will go back to the way they were.

 

You must treat the love of your spouse as a gift, not as a right.

 

So, you want her back. Well, in my opinion before you deserve to get her back you need to improve upon yourself first. Don't you want your wife to feel like she's loved? So you wonder how you can do this, huh?

 

First step is to communicate better with her. Which means, when she talks, listen! When she talks don't try to make reasons why you said the things you said in the past to her, but tell her you understand and make sure she feels her points are validated. Otherwise she'll be going her seperate way. If she asks for space then give it! Trust her. Remember you are the one that hurt her, she is not doing this to get back at you. She is just as emotionally drained as you are.

 

Second is to find counciling for yourself. Do this FOR yourself, but then also for the both of you if there is anything to salvidge. Tell her you are going to counciling and that when she comes back you would like her to join you. Just don't say you'll do it, but start going and then tell her. You may think right now what you done that's wrong, but going through with the counciling will really open up your eyes. Go see a marriage councilor even if it's just with yourself right now.

 

Stop all the emails, the phone calls, the letters. Let her come to you when she is ready. This isn't a guarantee she'll come back to you. Only she can answer that. But realize no amount of begging or pleading will bring her closer to you.

 

If she says she loves you only as a 'friend' then honestly that is not a good sign. There is a huge difference between the two, of loving someone as a husband and a friend. Her telling you to do your 'own' thing as well isn't a positive sign either. Whatever you do, do not put any blame on her. That'll just put her into defense mode and push her back even further. Tell her that you love & respect her and want her to be happy in life. That you are truly sorry for what you put her through and never intended to hurt her. That you are going to counciling and really want to work this out. And that you love & respect her enough to give her the time she needs to think this through and willing to give this a second chance.

 

Everyone goofs up, but unfortunetly alot of the times people get so comfortable with the other, that they take them for granted. I did that with my ex-fiancee (even though she did alot of hurt too). I learned so much from it, that now my current fiancee would never have to endure the negativities that I brought upon my previous relationship.

 

You get what you put into it.

[ValeriaM]

No I am not Dizzy's wife (unless Dizzy is my husband in disguise - but my husband can't type or use a computer...).

[ladyjune]

what a small world.

 

my husband makes me feel the same way. we've only been married 3 months. i feel like me and my baby (im pregnant) is not even part of his priority. we have a lot of issues that we dont talk about. this has put a scar on me emotionally. he is never home with me, always out doing his hobby with his friends until 10-12 at night. we also have money issues. can you believe we spent about $4, 000 in less than 3 months?! and the sad thing is that we have a baby (due in 4 months) on the way and have no money saved up. sometimes i feel like i should just leave and let him figure out why. i feel like he is never going to change. the fact is he just needs to GROW UP.

 

help.