Jenna Posted September 21, 2000 Share Posted September 21, 2000 Hey Heather- I just read your post to me regarding "Can't go on like this....." from Girl-20. (9/19) Believe me- I hear you- loud and clear. I know that we don't particularly "enjoy" it when our men look at other women. And I hope that I did not give the impression that Girl-20's feelings weren't valid- I know her feelings are real and deserve the attention of her boyfriend. As I am sure that your's did too with your own boyfriend. But, it does have to do with insecurity- and there really isn't any getting around that fact. People are insecure for all kinds of reasons- and having a partner who isn't sensitive to that can be a problem. I do believe however- that after a period of time- when couples begin to make successful effort to always put their mate first- the insecurity fades. It takes longer with some that others- but it works eventually- as long as BOTH people are putting forth effort. Admiration (telling your mate they are sexy- giving compliments etc...) is only one of many emotional needs that require attention to create trust and security. We also need attention, affection, conversation, support, and to be fulfilled sexually. All of these things combined (among other needs) -given over a period of time will build a strong, secure and healthy relationship. With an open mind- imagine that you were completely satisfied in every way with your husband (and you might already be)- and you noticed one day in the mall that an attractive woman caught his eye- can you agree that it would be less likely to cause a fight? Not that it wouldn't cause a little twinge in you- but given the fact that you were completely happy in your marriage- your husband was attentive to all of your needs on a regular basis- I would think that any negative feelings would pass as quickly as they came on and the moment would be forgotten forever in two seconds. I just wanted to assure Girl-20 , that her insecurity can pass- with effort from both her and her boyfriend. I can certainly appreciate your point of view (and hers)- as I have gone through the same thing. It used to completely infuriate me when my boyfriend (now husband) would look at another woman- no matter how innocently. But as our relationship progressed- and trust developed- he was always sure to give me all of the things I needed - and now he can look at women all day (and probably does-hehehe) and I could care less- I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me- and would never do anything to hurt me. I wish this for everyone- because it is a most wonderful feeling. Thanks for your thoughts- you're a sweetie! Jenna Link to post Share on other sites
Heather Posted September 21, 2000 Share Posted September 21, 2000 In the three years my fiance' and I have been together we have been through alot!! But I have definitly matured when it comes to him looking at other women. He doesn't let me know he does it so that helps alot! When I do notice it I just nudge him and make a joke about it. We laugh and he tells me I am beautiful! (he is always saying that!) It makes me feel so good that I could care less what that other girl looked like. It used to bother me so much that I couldn't even stand watching a movie with him that happened to have a naked or 1/2 naked woman in it! (not porn!) But I have grown up and have learned to feel comfortable with the way I look. I used to be really skinny and then I got pregnant. Need I say more!? Well my self-esteem took a nose dive and that was a horrible time for me and my guy. She (my daughter) is two years old now and I am starting to like the way I look again. But I found out a couple months ago that I am going to have another baby! I really think that I will be able to handle this alot better now that I have already been there, I am older(did I mention that I am only 18 years old!),and I know my guy loves me! Sorry for rambling on so much, you are just sooo easy to talk to, and I love hearing your advice! Thank you for replying back. Heather Hey Heather- I just read your post to me regarding "Can't go on like this....." from Girl-20. (9/19) Believe me- I hear you- loud and clear. I know that we don't particularly "enjoy" it when our men look at other women. And I hope that I did not give the impression that Girl-20's feelings weren't valid- I know her feelings are real and deserve the attention of her boyfriend. As I am sure that your's did too with your own boyfriend. But, it does have to do with insecurity- and there really isn't any getting around that fact. People are insecure for all kinds of reasons- and having a partner who isn't sensitive to that can be a problem. I do believe however- that after a period of time- when couples begin to make successful effort to always put their mate first- the insecurity fades. It takes longer with some that others- but it works eventually- as long as BOTH people are putting forth effort. Admiration (telling your mate they are sexy- giving compliments etc...) is only one of many emotional needs that require attention to create trust and security. We also need attention, affection, conversation, support, and to be fulfilled sexually. All of these things combined (among other needs) -given over a period of time will build a strong, secure and healthy relationship. With an open mind- imagine that you were completely satisfied in every way with your husband (and you might already be)- and you noticed one day in the mall that an attractive woman caught his eye- can you agree that it would be less likely to cause a fight? Not that it wouldn't cause a little twinge in you- but given the fact that you were completely happy in your marriage- your husband was attentive to all of your needs on a regular basis- I would think that any negative feelings would pass as quickly as they came on and the moment would be forgotten forever in two seconds. I just wanted to assure Girl-20 , that her insecurity can pass- with effort from both her and her boyfriend. I can certainly appreciate your point of view (and hers)- as I have gone through the same thing. It used to completely infuriate me when my boyfriend (now husband) would look at another woman- no matter how innocently. But as our relationship progressed- and trust developed- he was always sure to give me all of the things I needed - and now he can look at women all day (and probably does-hehehe) and I could care less- I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me- and would never do anything to hurt me. I wish this for everyone- because it is a most wonderful feeling. Thanks for your thoughts- you're a sweetie! Jenna Link to post Share on other sites
Jenna Posted September 21, 2000 Share Posted September 21, 2000 It happened exactly the same way with me- when I met my husband (then boyfriend) I was a "hottie"- hehehe- thin, long blond hair, pretty skin- and very comfortable with myself- of course- who wouldn't be. But when I got pregnant and started spreading out- OMG!! I nearly lost my mind. After the baby came- and I didn't go back to my size 5 jeans over-night my self esteem went lower and lower. I was sure that my husband was disgusted every time he looked at me (then a size 12) that I wouldn't even let him see me without clothes on. Silly- I know, now that I look back. But I realized that had been drawing all of my confidence and self-esteem from my appearance- I completely relied on my looks to make me feel secure with a man. I knew that if I were to ever be happy again- I would have to find a new and more dependable source of strength - and thats when I really got to know "me"- the person. I found out that there was so much more to me than what met the eye-literally. And truer words have never been spoken.... "Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder." Congratulations on the new baby! I bet you are soooo excited- I know I would be. I wanted to have another baby- but I can barely keep up with the 2 I have now- both boys- ages 6 and 10. Take care of yourself- and get lots of rest! See ya in the forum! Jenna In the three years my fiance' and I have been together we have been through alot!! But I have definitly matured when it comes to him looking at other women. He doesn't let me know he does it so that helps alot! When I do notice it I just nudge him and make a joke about it. We laugh and he tells me I am beautiful! (he is always saying that!) It makes me feel so good that I could care less what that other girl looked like. It used to bother me so much that I couldn't even stand watching a movie with him that happened to have a naked or 1/2 naked woman in it! (not porn!) But I have grown up and have learned to feel comfortable with the way I look. I used to be really skinny and then I got pregnant. Need I say more!? Well my self-esteem took a nose dive and that was a horrible time for me and my guy. She (my daughter) is two years old now and I am starting to like the way I look again. But I found out a couple months ago that I am going to have another baby! I really think that I will be able to handle this alot better now that I have already been there, I am older(did I mention that I am only 18 years old!),and I know my guy loves me! Sorry for rambling on so much, you are just sooo easy to talk to, and I love hearing your advice! Thank you for replying back. Heather Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted September 21, 2000 Share Posted September 21, 2000 This original Poster's not Pregnant!!!!! What are you trying to say???? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Jenna Posted September 21, 2000 Share Posted September 21, 2000 Did I miss something? Jenna What are you trying to say???? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Heather Posted September 22, 2000 Share Posted September 22, 2000 How the hell would you know if I am pregnant or not?!!! For your information I am 17 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child!!! My due date is March 6, 2001! Why would you write something like that when you have no idea who I am! Grow up! What are you trying to say???? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted September 25, 2000 Share Posted September 25, 2000 I am so sorry. My Bad!!! I honestly misunderstood a very well written, easily understandable post. Sorry for the confusion, and good luck with your new family.. Link to post Share on other sites
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