What is wrong with "me"???

[Fenyx]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am new here, and need some desperate advice. I apologize in advance for this long post and rant.

 

My husband and I have been married for going on 13 years and have been together for 15. During our marriage he has cheated on me three times, and one that I recently found out about that happened when we were dating with his daughter's mother.

 

Scenarios:

 

He flew to Arizona to bring his 2 year old daughter back to live with us for a bit so her mother could get her life straight. During that time I was 4-5 months pregnant with our daughter. I just recently found out that he cheated on me with her when he went up there and was honestly thinking about going back to her when he got back (we were living together).

 

The second time, he cheated on me and actually abandoned me and our two daughters while he was doing this...and ended up getting the woman pregnant (they were in a "relationship") we had been married for almost 2 years at this time.

 

The third time was almost 3 years ago, and again he was dead set on divorce and being with this other woman. This last 3 months and then he wanted to try to save our marriage.

 

Amongst the actually infidelity, throughout our marriage my husband has ran up phone bills talking to sex phone operators (and lies about it)...watches porn and most recently about 3 1/2 weeks ago, I found him looking at the close encounters forums in craigslist (which he tells me he goes on there to read what people say on there, but he would have never done anything with anyone).

 

*** Please do not judge me for staying with my husband through all of this because I have spent literally half of my life with this man, and when I give myself to someone, I give it all. I am very passionate and love very hard, and I really need some advice right now. ***

 

My issues:

 

1) I have forgiven him for the infidelity, we have dealt with that issue and he has proven that he is not doing that anymore..well, for the time being /sigh.

 

2) When confronted with the craigslist crap, he lied to me at first and then admitted what he said above, and promised he would never go there again and did not think it would bother me like it did. (What bothered me was him looking at this crap while he was working...)

 

3) When I found the Craigslist stuff, I also found several google searches for porn videos etc on his cell phone (while he was at work). I specifically asked him to let me know if he wanted to look at that stuff and I would be happy to watch it with him (watching porn does not get me excited, I watch it to get an idea of what he likes and try and incorporate it into our "sex life").

 

4) Monday evening, I deleted all of the browsing history from his personal cell and work cell (he does not know how to do this) and gave him the benefit of the doubt for two days... and decided to check them last night...Personal cell, clean. Work cell??? Porn videos up the wazoo. - So, I confront him and he tells me he would never do that on his work cell etc and I literally explained to him that these google searches SHOW what he searches for etc... still denying it. He slept in the livingroom last night and woke up this morning slamming things... all I asked him last night was to give me the respect and dignity I deserve and admit to me that he was doing this while "working" but supposidly not having time to talk to me much throughout the day....still, nothing.

 

Here is another part of my dilemma. My husband does not care for lingerie, I have bought it in the past and it just doesnt do it for him...this may be because of my body (since we have been together and after 4 children, I gained a considerable amount of weight) No lies here..highest weight was 280 lbs..Over the past 2 1/2 years, I have currently lost 91.6 lbs on my own and have kept it off. I eat right and exercise, but still need weight to lose.. I went from wearing a tight size 26 jeans, to now a small size 12. My sex drive is very high, and I want it all the time (it's always been this way) but my husband's sex drive is near non-existant. So, after finding out about him watching porn at work...I've been "trying" certain things to try and spice up our sex life...

 

He has gotten to the point where he will only want sex maybe once a week, but usually once every two weeks and it is usually right before we go to bed, in the bed with the lights off. Most of the time its a turn on your side sex position and 5-7 mins later HE is done. He is not satisfying me. Don't get me wrong... I can do the whole wham bam stuff now and again. But because of the insecurities he has caused me, I want him to kiss me, kiss my neck, touch me, etc and I just don't get it.

 

I have bought new lingerie to wear around the house in front of him at night, making sure my hair and make-up are done and smelling nice etc (even if I dont get any sex, which is usually the case) does this hurt me? Yes. But I keep trying. In between jobs, (he is an installer) sometimes he gets ahead and is far away from home and has some downtime, he will call me and talk for a bit and then get off the phone... well, one time to try and spice it up (he had over an hour of downtime) I asked him to talk dirty to me over the phone, (and I started to "attempt" to masterbate, I say attempt because I can never get myself off) and he said, No. I told him that when he asked me before I did it for him (this was a long time ago) and he still said no. So, I actually told him what I was doing at that moment, and he said No, I will talk to you later, bye. And hung up the phone..to play "angry birds"???? Really?!

 

I've asked him to stop at home for quickies when he is close to home and he never does it, says he doesn't have time to do that kind of stuff, and never has time to look at porn videos while he is at work, but the proof is in the pudding.

 

My self-esteem is very low at this point. I do not know what else to do here..I cried for the majority of the night last night coming to the realization that over the years, I just have not been good enough for him. With the cheating and the constant porn crap behind my back, when I offer to do it with him is a slap in the face, especially for a man who has nearly "NO sex drive when it comes to his wife"...what else do I do? How do I act? Can I fix this? I am SO tired of not feeling wanted.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My self-esteem is very low at this point. I do not know what else to do here..I cried for the majority of the night last night coming to the realization that over the years, I just have not been good enough for him. With the cheating and the constant porn crap behind my back, when I offer to do it with him is a slap in the face, especially for a man who has nearly "NO sex drive when it comes to his wife"...what else do I do? How do I act? Can I fix this? I am SO tired of not feeling wanted.

 

There isn't anything wrong with you... This guy just doesn't love you.

 

The way this guy treats you is simply unacceptable. You need to find a man that loves you. You cannot keep living like this.

 

I know it's hard because this guy has really beat down your self-esteem to where you probably don't feel attractive or worth it. However, if you can find the strength to lose this guy and the patience to wait for someone better... you WILL find someone who actually loves you! Believe it!

[norajane]

You can't fix it. More precisely, you can't fix him.

 

He has to do that, and he doesn't want to.

 

I'd call it a day. I know that's rough with children, but why put yourself through more torture? The longer you stay with him, the worse you will feel about yourself. That cannot be good for raising emotionally healthy children.

 

It's time for you to get a grip and get over the "when I love, I love passionately". You are your own worst enemy if you buy into that. Let it go. It's long past time.

[freestyle]

OP, don't beat yourself up about your H's lack of interest in sex--I think the extreme porn usage is a factor.

 

I've read research that find that excessive porn usage can affect a person's brain chemistry, to the point where they are unable to perform with an actual live human.......

 

So, please don't internalize this as you being unattractive (though it's understandable that you would begin feeling that way, when your needs are repeatedly neglected) it's about your H ---it's NOT about you.

 

I get that you love your H, and you are loyal---but at some point , you need to decide if you love YOURSELF enough to expect better treatment.

[skywriter]

Fenyx,

 

Please strongly consider all the advice from all the posts above.Also,

 

think of your precious daughters. If you're self esteem is suffering, then you can't be the best parent, that you should be to them. If you aren't happy they will know this eventually.

 

You don't want your girls growing up, to choose the same pattern of behavior, that you're accepting from this man. Just think about it.

Edited November 17, 2011 by skywriter
to add, besides you don't have this man anyway, so what are you really losing?

[Fenyx]

Thank you all for your advice. Is it possible for him to just have a problem? There have been circumstances in the past 3 years that have happened, where I think changed him for a while, he was dedicated, devoted, and completely in love with me for a long time, and showed it. In 2009, I almost died due to a pedestrian vs. vehicle that hit me going 45 mph head on. I have friends that knew and witnessed our marriage before and after this accident, the accident happened after the last affair, about 7 months after we got back together. I even ask them to this day if they think he loves me, because they completely tell me that before the last affair, they could see in plain light that he did not love me at all by the way he treated me, but they honestly believe that his affection/love etc has completely changed since we got back together, and they do see that he loves me.

 

Besides my sister, I have no family. This is by choice because my family is crap and I do not want my children to grow up how I did. My husband took me away from this family and became my only family for a LONG time and continues to be. He is like my best friend besides the stuff I am complaining about, and he gets me. He does tell me I am pretty, beautiful, sexy all the time... he even teases me alot sexually, but ends up not going through with it...He has no problem having sex with me when we do have sex, it just seems he is lazy about it and a lack of interest. It just frustrates me that if he is looking at it, obviously he is interested in sex, but just not with me for some reason.

 

Maybe something is wrong with me afterall? Not just my self-esteem issues that have reared back up in the past 3 weeks. They were completely gone these past 3 years until now. Ugh.

 

I just thought I would give more of a background story.

[shayla]

*quote**** Please do not judge me for staying with my husband through all of this because I have spent literally half of my life with this man, and when I give myself to someone, I give it all. I am very passionate and love very hard, and I really need some advice right now. ***

 

I am not going to judge you. All I'm going to say is. Take the passion and hard loving you speak of and give it to yourself and stop wasting it on someone that is throwing it back into your face.

 

If your daughters were adults, and either of them had a husband like this, would you advise them to cling to him regardless of what he is doing and how he is treating her?

 

You are making a choice here. And if this is the way you want to live your life, and if this is the way you want your children to play out their lives (continuing the cycle) then so be it.

Edited November 18, 2011 by shayla