My husband and I being "used/manipulated" by his parents

[setsenia]

After being disowned by my husband's parents over facebook (see other topic), we have realized they may have just been using us all along.

 

First off, my husband never really had a relationship with his mother. She was young when he was born and had a lot of childhood issues. So his dad raised him and his mom had a few visitation days each month. However, he never saw her for holidays or anything. When his father passed when he was 16, he had to move in with his mother and step-father. His mother and step-father have been together for over 20 years and his step-father, to this day, has never made an effort to get to know him and has discouraged his mother from having a relationship with her only child. The whole 7 years he lived with them, the relationship was nothing but rocky. They flipped out over little things like too much grease on the stove, went out to eat all the time without him, flushing the toilet too late at night and even kicked him out over their dog. Ever since then, the relationship has been up and down the last 4 years. They'd get mad over every little thing, the stepdad has never made an effort to know me since we've been together nor talks to me. Whenever they had us over, on a rare occasion, they hardly talk to us and let their two dogs run rampant all over my husband (their son) who has severe allergies. He finally had to ask for some medicine after sneezing for awhile and them ignoring it. Well, his mom was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and all of a sudden, she made a 180 degree turnaround, saying how much she "loved us" and her and my husband went to a few therapy sessions together. Although the downfall with that is she blames her lack of being a mother on a "lack of maternal instinct" but claims to feel it with his friends. Wtf? He took her to a lot of her medical appointments, did her favors etc etc. Well, now that she is in remission and back to work, they pretty much threw us both under a bus over something we never even did wrong. When she was sick, his stepdad acted like he "owed" it to her to help her with things and even flipped out at him in frustration one time. But it pretty much seems clear to me now. They only wanted us around when it was "convenient for them". No dropping by without making an appointment a few days in advance and his stepfather wouldn't even let him see his mother when she was sick! He controlled the entire situation and kept my husband in the dark, but then expected him to help her with errands whenever she needed it!

 

Well, we're at the point know where we've realized that we might have been used and manipulated all these years. They have hardly made an effort to be in our lives, only want us to see them when they need something or when it's a holiday and never invite us to family events (his mother blames that on her "lack of maternal instinct"). It's not much of a loss, but a pain to know how your own relatives can treat you in such a way. My mother in law was actually really nice to me, which was misleading a lot of the time, but then they rip our heads off over everything. I've never been comfortable with them and I think now is probably time we "let them go" and move on. If they ever decide to speak to us again, we'd prefer to keep them out of our lives. It's not going to change, they aren't going to change either.

Edited November 17, 2011 by setsenia

[RiverRunning]

Setsenia, I think you are making a very healthy decision. These people are seriously screwed up and they don't want to change. THEY are the ones who think they can do no wrong and they're projecting it onto you and your husband. You can't win against someone who will never cave or who will blame everything they do wrong on somebody else/"a lack of maternal instinct." A lack of maternal instinct doesn't explain being selfish and rude. I don't feel in a maternal way to everyone I know, but I don't demand they meet my whims and reject or rebuff them whenever I don't need them.

 

I am sorry to hear your husband has had such a messed-up life with this woman. The desire to be close to her and to be loved by her may never go away. People who have cold, selfish and rejecting parents often spend their lives feeling they did something wrong/they can do something to improve the relationship. I am glad that you both recognize that your relationship can no longer continue.

 

You will have to start preparing yourselves now for their deaths and decide whether or not you will attend the funerals. I get that that's morbid, but you also have to prepare yourself for nosy relatives/friends asking why you weren't around or accusing you of neglecting the mother-in-law.

[Downtown]

Setsenia, I agree with RiverRunning. Nicely stated, RR.

[setsenia]

Thanks and I agree, RR! It's totally annoying for me and him when he's asked, "how are your parents?" heh. It's totally disgusting how she tries her make herself "look" like such a great mother when she isn't and never has been. She has never been a part of his life, but acts in public and with other relatives like she has raised him from birth. "Oh my son this, my son that," you should have seen her totally in control of our wedding. The reality is that when we do see them, they make no effort to even speak to us or ask us how we're doing. It's a waste of our time. It's disgusting how people like this choose to procreate. One time she wanted to go to one of our parties "just to see his friends". I mean, wow. LOL