ms.love Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Hi all, I am stuck as to what to do in this situation so would love some views on this situation. I am currently in college in my final year and this year a new man has started in our class. I did find him very attractive when I first saw him but never thought any more about it. About a month ago we started a group project in class and he was added into my group. Since then I have come to really like him. We talk a good bit, go on smoke breaks together. He is lovely, kind, mature, confident, sweet and attractive. I thought he looked maybe 26 years old maximum. We chat a good bit in class but have never exchanged numbers so we have never hung out outside of college, which I think is because I have never let on that I like him. I do feel a spark between us though. I added him as a friend on facebook and he accepted. To my surprise he is 31 years old and I am 21 years old. I was shocked because he looks not a day older than 26. My problem is, I can't stop thinking about him. I just don't know if he would see me as more than a friend because I am 10 years younger than him? I don't want to flirt with him if it does end up making him uncomfortable but I really can't tell if will or not. I know he is single so no problem with him having someone else. So what I am asking is, what would you do in my situation? Do you think a man at 31 would chase a women 10 years younger? I am very attractive and get hit on all the time but it is mostly because the guy wants one thing. Whereas, he actually speaks to me for me and looks at me like I am beautiful and not just someone to sleep with. Also do people agree with people dating when there is a large gap in age? Thank you for reading!
danstanton Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 It's not so much of an issue nowadays. Even then, IMO, 31 and 21 are in the same generation/age bracket.
insertnamehere Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 My dad was 54 and my mom was 27 when I was born. And I was their second kid together. I will say that a female in her early 20s is often a pain in the ass. I have a friend who is 32 who makes a habit of dating girls ten years younger than him. All he ends up with is wall-to-wall childish grief. On balance? What's dating for if not to take a test drive? I'd say go for it, but keep an eye for maturity differences that cause friction.
jerbear Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 10 years in your case is not a big deal. I've pursued women 10 years older than me and had women 10 years younger than me pursue me.
Cee Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 The age barrier is a mental block. When I dated older men, I worried about it. But then I realized people are people. Some people are harsh and judgmental about age differences. To be honest, I don't know why. They are being stupid and I don't listen to them. The advantage of dating older/younger is you have more options. When I was young, I dated older. And now that I'm older, I have a younger boyfriend. Worked great for me. There's a pretty big age difference between my boyfriend and I, but nobody cares. And if they do, they keep quiet about it. I love this man more than any boyfriend and I am so lucky. So I guess I'm biased about dating outside one's age. Everybody is legal and that's all that matters. It sounds you really like this guy. I hope it works out for you.
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Go for it. Life is short, so why not take the chance? Just make sure he isn't married or has a girlfriend.
phineas Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 My buddy is 41 his gf err fiancee (he proposed last night) is pregnant & she's 27 I think. Women your age I consider just for fun because most women that age who are attractive know it & think their all that & a bag of chips & love to play childish games. The fact that you are here asking advice instead of telling us "older men want me" tells me you might not be in that majority. Date him if he's keen on it.
mammamia1 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 31 and 21 are really not a big distance. Go for it girl!!! If you find a 20-something guy, he may be too immature to treat you right. I got hurt a lot. 31 is the perfect age!
thezappa Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 My question would be not about the age difference but do you know if he likes you? Seeing as your both in the same class and probably (i am guessing) see each other most days a week. I think you should be sure he likes you before making any moves on him because it could make things awkward with the two of you if he doesn't. Also are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? You have said he is single, I assume you know that by facebook? I think you are trying to see what people's opinions are on an older man liking a younger women. From your post and the fact that you have asked for advice on the matter, I think you are mature young women. I am a women myself so I wouldn't know what an older man's thoughts are on pursuing a women ten years younger, maybe an older man on this forum could shed some light on that issue? In my opinion it all falls down to a few things: 1. Where the both of you are in life. 2. Does he think you are mature enough to pursue. 3. Does he find you attractive. I do hope things work out for you! Let us know what happens.
mtber75 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 He's probably thinking that he has no chance with you because your so young and attractive! So you should get his attention like talking to him more about school work, leaning more closer to him? You should give him some signs that your into him. Hopefully he'll get the hint and start talking to you more...Unless he's a father or something like that?
FinOuch Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I don't think it's the age gap that makes a difference...it's the age range. A 45 year old and a 35 year old are a lot more likely to be on the same maturity level (emotionally, mentally, etc) than a 31 year old and a 21 year old.
FinOuch Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 He's probably thinking that he has no chance with you because your so young and attractive! So you should get his attention like talking to him more about school work, leaning more closer to him? You should give him some signs that your into him. Hopefully he'll get the hint and start talking to you more...Unless he's a father or something like that? LOL, or he could be thinking: "man this chick is like 12 and it shows. She acts annoyingly immature. Not for me." Or...he could also be thinking: "21 and naive. Perfect! I can have as much fun with this one as I want without having to treat it like a relationship." I'm not saying don't go for it. But do realize that there might be a maturity gap (has nothing to do with age - and everything to do with wisdom and experience) that may complicate things.
Shaun-Dro Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Hi all, I am stuck as to what to do in this situation so would love some views on this situation. I am currently in college in my final year and this year a new man has started in our class. I did find him very attractive when I first saw him but never thought any more about it. About a month ago we started a group project in class and he was added into my group. Since then I have come to really like him. We talk a good bit, go on smoke breaks together. He is lovely, kind, mature, confident, sweet and attractive. I thought he looked maybe 26 years old maximum. We chat a good bit in class but have never exchanged numbers so we have never hung out outside of college, which I think is because I have never let on that I like him. I do feel a spark between us though. I added him as a friend on facebook and he accepted. To my surprise he is 31 years old and I am 21 years old. I was shocked because he looks not a day older than 26. My problem is, I can't stop thinking about him. I just don't know if he would see me as more than a friend because I am 10 years younger than him? I don't want to flirt with him if it does end up making him uncomfortable but I really can't tell if will or not. I know he is single so no problem with him having someone else. So what I am asking is, what would you do in my situation? Do you think a man at 31 would chase a women 10 years younger? I am very attractive and get hit on all the time but it is mostly because the guy wants one thing. Whereas, he actually speaks to me for me and looks at me like I am beautiful and not just someone to sleep with. Also do people agree with people dating when there is a large gap in age? Thank you for reading! What are you griping about? If you want the guy, let him know in a subtle way, since I know you won't be overt about it. Men been lusting young women and girls since the dawn of time and none of this natural wiring is going to change. So yes, him being 31 will certainly be honored to date a 21 year old if he's interested in you. Why would he settle for someone his own age if he can get younger and more fertile? I'm 33 and easily pass for 27-28 so it's not a big deal. You can't know the age of a person based on societal norms of how a person should look at a particular point in time.
thezappa Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 LOL, or he could be thinking: "man this chick is like 12 and it shows. She acts annoyingly immature. Not for me." Or...he could also be thinking: "21 and naive. Perfect! I can have as much fun with this one as I want without having to treat it like a relationship." I'm not saying don't go for it. But do realize that there might be a maturity gap (has nothing to do with age - and everything to do with wisdom and experience) that may complicate things. That is being very generally in my opinion! If the guy is thinking that about a women then is he not then being immature? Just because she is 21 years old doesn't mean she hasn't experienced life or wisdom. The fact that they seem to get along very well and talk a lot shows that they are both within the same mature level. Of course I agree with you in the sense that their may be some differences in wisdom and experience but is that not the fun of it? She get's a great relationship with a man who is older and more mature than most of the men her own age. He gets a great relationship with someone who is younger and has a fresh look on life. I do think she needs to thread carefully though if she is unsure on whether he is interested or not. Also he could be thinking the same thing?
FinOuch Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 That is being very generally in my opinion! If the guy is thinking that about a women then is he not then being immature? Just because she is 21 years old doesn't mean she hasn't experienced life or wisdom. The fact that they seem to get along very well and talk a lot shows that they are both within the same mature level. Of course I agree with you in the sense that their may be some differences in wisdom and experience but is that not the fun of it? She get's a great relationship with a man who is older and more mature than most of the men her own age. He gets a great relationship with someone who is younger and has a fresh look on life. I do think she needs to thread carefully though if she is unsure on whether he is interested or not. Also he could be thinking the same thing? Of course it's general. Without actually knowing both the OP and the guy she is referring to, there is absolutely know way to know how she behaves or whether the guy (if he's even interested) is interested for reasons that she would be okay with. I never said that any of the scenarios that I listed were definitely the case, or that the OP wasn't experienced or wise. But does the possibility exist that a 21 year old girl is NOT experienced, wise...and generally acts in a naïve manner? Yep. In fact that possibility is pretty high because it is normal to behave that way at her age. Only those close to her know if she acts "more mature than her age" or not. And yes, there are absolutely many men in their 30s who act like overgrown adolescents...and who's goal in dating gravitate towards "just having fun". I've encountered plenty...and there's countless articles and books written by psychologists, dating advisors, etc that tackle this particular subject. Whether THIS particular guy is one of them is unknown. Whether she's okay with it if he is is also unknown. But, it is something that she should probably think about. It's up to her to define what she wants from the relationship and to figure out if he can offer it. I wasn't trying to dissuade her from exploring the options. Just pointing out some of the possibilities that she may want to reflect on.
Author ms.love Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Hi All, Thank you all for the replies. To answer some of your questions: No he does not have a child nor is he in a relationship with anyone else. The difference in maturity and wisdom I do agree with. I have been told most my life that I am very mature for my age and this is due to my up bringing in which I had to grow up faster than most children. We do seem to be within the same maturity level. I also think another reason as to why I like him is because I don't find men my age very attractive due to their level of maturity compared to mine. I have been in some awful relationships because of it and the last one I was in just pushed me over the edge with the immature behavior my ex showed me when we broke up and throughout our relationship. I don't honestly know if he likes me and this is what worries me the most, he does give off some signals such as: Looking in my eyes as we talk. Smiling at me if we happen to look at each other. He opens doors for me. Lights my cigarette for me. Hangs on to every word I say and we have great conversations. Praises any work I have done and offers guidance if I am stuck on anything. He seems so enthusiastic when we speak compared to when he talks to anyone else in the class. He also approached me first and introduced himself when I was outside the college taking a small break. I know these things are very small but to me they are lovely and I have never had a man my age do any of this for me. Even seeing my friends in relationships, none of their boyfriends treat them like this. Are these signs that he likes me? If however, there does turn out to be a maturity gap and things don't work out, least I will know and have tried it. So I am not worried about that. How would I go about letting him know I like him? Thanks again!
mpc2012 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 I dated a girl who was 8 years younger, but was really smart for her age. I think he might be shy being that you are younger than he and he doesn't want to look like a dirty old man. You should invite him somewhere and see how he reacts to it. There's nothing wrong with asking a guy out, I've had that done to me. If he's paying attention to alot, then there might be some attraction, so I would bank on it and ask him to an event. doesn't have to be grandiose, invite him to some small shin-dig or something.
loversquarrel Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Nothing wrong with it at all. Maturity issues may arise down the road if something were to develop. From personal experience, my last few girlfriends were 10-15 yrs younger than me. I found them to be much more fun than women my age.
insertnamehere Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 One issue that isn't getting noted here is how mature is the older guy. I mentioned a friend of mine who tends to date ten years younger, and frankly he could do to grow up a bit himself. I have a niece who is 19 and she went through an older guys phase around 16. One of the things that constantly struck was how many of these guys were dating down because they weren't mature enough to date women their own age. Or with my friend I mentioned, I think he does it, frankly, because women his own age would expect him to have his **** together financially and he doesn't. Just saying it's worth considering the maturity issues of both parties.
loversquarrel Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 One issue that isn't getting noted here is how mature is the older guy. I mentioned a friend of mine who tends to date ten years younger, and frankly he could do to grow up a bit himself. I have a niece who is 19 and she went through an older guys phase around 16. One of the things that constantly struck was how many of these guys were dating down because they weren't mature enough to date women their own age. Or with my friend I mentioned, I think he does it, frankly, because women his own age would expect him to have his **** together financially and he doesn't. Just saying it's worth considering the maturity issues of both parties. Maturity issues were noted, just not in a one sided manner. I see you took care of that.
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